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Dream Parenting: Asking Ourselves Tough Questions

In this Dream Parenting series so far we have explored some introductory ideas, such as “Doing More of What Works” and “Finding An Audience of Appreciation.” These two ideas provide a foundation to doing some deeper dream parenting work. It is time now to ask ourselves some tough parenting questions. 

The first question is “Why did you become a parent in the first place?”

This is an important question to ask because it gives you a glimpse into your motivations and drives. It allows you to recognize why certain triggers create explosions of anger and frustration in your home. If parents were truly honest, many would answer that they didn’t want or weren’t ready for parenting. They may have come to parenting by accident or coercion or because they thought they should. 

I personally came from the generation that believed you should marry young and start your family right away. I am not blaming anyone since I made that decision myself. However, I realize now how immature I was when I started my family and how many challenges I have had to overcome from making that decision. I also recognize that I am a much younger grandfather and can actually chase after my two grandsons without risking physical damage!

Other parents may have started their family in hopes that the child would fulfill a need in the parents life. Parents own loss or emptiness in relationships or a lack of a sense of purpose can get projected into our children placing a huge disadvantage on to them. 

Nontraditional families, such as step parents, grandparents raising their grandchildren or adoptive/foster parents start their families after some sort of trauma has occurred. Rescue fantasies or beliefs that “love is all you need” will quickly dissappear when the behavioral problems begin. 

Asking this question about our original motivations make us honest for the hard work we need to do next. It puts us in perspective to deal with the pros and cons of our reasons for parenting in the first place and provides a clear path for ourselves and our families.

The second question is “Do you really want to change?”

The fact that we may have made a poor decision to parents does not alter the reality that we have to now manage that decision. Living in a parenting state of delusion that things should be different or resentment about why we parented in the first place will not aid us in making necessary changes. We now have to ask ourselvs if we really want to have the dream family we deserve to have or are we going to keep doing what we have always done that no longer works for us. 

Perhaps you had the right motivations about parenting and the timing and circumstances were ideal to start your family and yet you are still having family problems. That doesn’t make the second question any easier. Change often means pain and the majority of people avoid it for that reason. 

This question is important because it means work. It means feeling uncomfortable. It requies repairing some broken areas in our lives. The good news is that change is possible. 

If you answer “yes” to this question, you must then ask a the second part: What will be your first step to building your dream family? It won’t happen over night so what one thing will you start doing differently today to start the change process? What resources, support, and information can you make a plan to engage in right away? 

Share your answers to these questions on our Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/parentingtoolbox

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25 Ways to Talk So Children Will Listen

A major part of discipline is learning how to talk with children. The way you
talk to your child teaches him how to talk to others. Here are some talking
tips we have learned with our children:

1. Connect Before You Direct

Before giving your child directions,
squat to your child’s eye level and engage your child in eye-to-eye contact to
get his attention. Teach him how to focus: “Mary, I need your eyes.” “Billy, I
need your ears.” Offer the same body language when listening to the child. Be
sure not to make your eye contact so intense that your child perceives it as
controlling rather than connecting.

2. Address The Child

Open your request with the child’s name,
“Lauren, will you please…”

3. Stay Brief

We use the one-sentence rule: Put the main directive
in the opening sentence. The longer you ramble, the more likely your child is
to become parent-deaf. Too much talking is a very common mistake when dialoging
about an issue. It gives the child the feeling that you’re not quite sure what
it is you want to say. If she can keep you talking she can get you sidetracked.

4. Stay Simple

Use short sentences with one-syllable words. Listen
to how kids communicate with each other and take note. When your child shows
that glazed, disinterested look, you are no longer being understood.

5. Ask Your Child to Repeat the Request Back to You

If he can’t,
it’s too long or too complicated.

6. Make an offer the child can’t refuse

You can reason with a two
or three-year-old, especially to avoid power struggles. “Get dressed so you can
go outside and play.” Offer a reason for your request that is to the child’s
advantage, and one that is difficult to refuse. This gives her a reason to move
out of her power position and do what you want her to do.

7. Be Positive

Instead of “no running,” try: “Inside we walk,
outside you may run.”

8. Begin your Directives With “I want.”

Instead of “Get down,” say
“I want you to get down.” Instead of “Let Becky have a turn,” say “I want you
to let Becky have a turn now.” This works well with children who want to please
but don’t like being ordered. By saying “I want,” you give a reason for
compliance rather than just an order.

9. “When…Then.”

“When you get your teeth brushed, then we’ll begin
the story.” “When your work is finished, then you can watch TV.” “When,” which
implies that you expect obedience, works better than “if,” which suggests that
the child has a choice when you don’t mean to give him one.

10. Legs First, Mouth Second

Instead of hollering, “Turn off the
TV, it’s time for dinner!” walk into the room where your child is watching TV,
join in with your child’s interests for a few minutes, and then, during a
commercial break, have your child turn off the TV. Going to your child conveys
you’re serious about your request; otherwise children interpret this as a mere
preference.

11. Give Choices

“Do you want to put your pajamas on or brush your
teeth first?” “Red shirt or blue one?”

12. Speak Developmentally Correctly

The younger the child, the
shorter and simpler your directives should be. Consider your child’s level of
understanding. For example, a common error parents make is asking a three-year-
old, “Why did you do that?” Most adults can’t always answer that question about
their behavior. Try instead, “Let’s talk about what you did.”

13. Speak Socially Correctly

Even a two-year-old can learn
“please.” Expect your child to be polite. Children shouldn’t feel manners are
optional. Speak to your children the way you want them to speak to you.

14. Speak Psychologically Correctly

Threats and judgmental openers
are likely to put the child on the defensive. “You” messages make a child clam
up. “I” messages are non-accusing. Instead of “You’d better do this…” or “You
must…,” try “I would like….” or “I am so pleased when you…” Instead of
“You need to clear the table,” say “I need you to clear the table.” Don’t ask a
leading question when a negative answer is not an option. “Will you please pick
up your coat?” Just say, “Pick up your coat, please.”

15. Write It

Reminders can evolve into nagging so easily,
especially for preteens who feel being told things puts them in the slave
category. Without saying a word you can communicate anything you need said.
Talk with a pad and pencil. Leave humorous notes for your child. Then sit back
and watch it happen.

16. Talk The Child Down

The louder your child yells, the softer you
respond. Let your child ventilate while you interject timely comments: “I
understand” or “Can I help?” Sometimes just having a caring listener available
will wind down the tantrum. If you come in at his level, you have two tantrums
to deal with. Be the adult for him.

17. Settle The Listener

Before giving your directive, restore
emotional equilibrium, otherwise you are wasting your time. Nothing sinks in
when a child is an emotional wreck.

18. Replay Your Message

Toddlers need to be told a thousand times.
Children under two have difficulty internalizing your directives. Most three-
year-olds begin to internalize directives so that what you ask begins to sink
in. Do less and less repeating as your child gets older. Preteens regard
repetition as nagging.

19. Let Your Child Complete The Thought

Instead of “Don’t leave
your mess piled up,” try: “Matthew, think of where you want to store your soccer
stuff.” Letting the child fill in the blanks is more likely to create a lasting
lesson.

20. Use Rhyme Rules

“If you hit, you must sit.” Get your child to
repeat them.

21. Give Likable Alternatives

You can’t go by yourself to the park;
but you can play in the neighbor’s yard.

22. Give Advance Notice

“We are leaving soon. Say bye-bye to the
toys, bye-bye to the girls…”

23. Open Up a Closed Child

Carefully chosen phrases open up closed
little minds and mouths. Stick to topics that you know your child gets excited
about. Ask questions that require more than a yes or no. Stick to specifics.
Instead of “Did you have a good day at school today?” try “What is the most fun
thing you did today?”

24. Use “When You…I Feel…Because…”

When you run away from mommy in
the store I feel worried because you might get lost.

25. Close The Discussion

If a matter is really closed to discussion, say
so. “I’m not changing my mind about this. Sorry.” You’ll save wear and tear
on both you and your child. Reserve your “I mean business” tone of voice for
when you do.

via askdrsears.com

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What to Do When Your Child Hates His Teacher

6 Steps to Take When Your Child and his Teacher Just Can’t Get Along

What should you do when your child doesn’t like his teacher? Should you call the principal or sit on the class? Or should you brush it off as a normal childhood grievance and move on? 

You beat the back-to-school shopping blues, mastered your hectic morning routine, and haven’t had one homework headache to date. Then, just when this school year is promising to be smooth sailing, your star student comes home with the complaint all parents dread: “Mom, I hate my teacher!” (Drat! You knew things were going too well!)

So now what do you do? Ignore the problem and hope it goes away? Write a nasty note to the teacher in your child’s planner? Storm into the principal’s office to complain?

The correct answer is: “None of the above!” Instead, you have to give the problem careful consideration and think before you act in any capacity.

The negative feelings a child has about his teacher can have any number of origins. It can be anything from frustration over a bad grade on a test to a more serious situation that could potentially impede his learning. But you can’t know for sure until you follow some simple steps and do some investigating of your own.

Here are six steps that any parent should take in order to effectively address her child’s accusations about his teacher.

Step 1: Expect It

At some point, most kids are going to come home complaining that they hate their teacher. Admit it, most of us had our share of teachers we weren’t so fond of when we were growing up as well—and most of us stuck it out and eventually discovered that the teacher wasn’t so bad after all. So don’t be too alarmed when you hear those first complaints as you are pulling out of the carpool line after school. It’s completely normal for children to feel frustrated with their teachers at some point during their school years.

Related: 4 Academic Lessons to Teach at Home

Just stay calm, don’t jump to any conclusions, and certainly don’t take any action before you’ve given the complaint and your child some time and careful consideration.

Your best initial response in this situation is to be calm, to listen to his complaints and be reassuring. Then remind yourself to tune into to your child a bit closer over the next few days to see if the problem goes away or sticks around. If the complaints disappear- great! If not, then its time to take the next step and form a plan for resolving whatever issue is as hand.

Step 2: Don’t Fly Off the Handle

Just because Sally came home from school one day full of complaints about her teacher, it doesn’t mean you should pick up the phone and start demanding that she be removed from her classroom. The best policy is to be patient. Her complaints could be the result of a particularly bad day, her frustration with a difficult test or assignment, or embarrassment over being called down in front of the class. If she continues to complain-and if the complaints are consistent-then you can be confident that its time to take some action.

Don’t be too quick to call the principal and demand that your child be reassigned a new teacher. Doing so only sends your kid the message that you are going swoop in and solve every little problem for her – and she does need to learn how to get along with all kinds of people. Be careful not to badmouth the teacher in front of your child. If the problem miraculously disappears within a day or two, you will run the risk of tainting her view for the rest of the year.

Step 3: Get to the Heart of the Matter

So your child has come home and told you that he hates his teacher. But what does he really mean when he says that? Getting to the root of the complaint is paramount to you finding a solution. Asking your child “Why” questions will typically reveal little in your quest, so pose “What” queries instead.

When you sit down with your child, ask him the following: “What does your teacher do that concerns you?” “What have you tried to make this work?” “What could your teacher do to make it better?”  “What do the kids who are happy with the teacher say about her?” The answers to these questions will help you to figure out if this is your child’s problem or an issue with the teacher’s style or personality.

Getting to the heart of the issue is the only way you can begin to solve it effectively. Is this a personality conflict with the teacher in which your child feels the teacher is unfair or too strict? Or is your kid concerned he won’t succeed because of his teacher’s expectations? It could be that it’s not really an issue with the teacher at all, but instead a reflection of other problems your child is experiencing at school.

For instance, if he is having trouble making friends, is being bullied, or has a learning problem, he may be channeling that frustration into a problem with her teacher. Once you know the real issue you’ll be able to create solutions.

Step 4: Get Perspective from Parents and Peers

When your child comes to you with a problem, its natural to want to take her word for it so that you can swoop in and make it better as soon as possible. However, a good indicator into what’s really going on in your child’s classroom is how other students and parents feel about the teacher. Before you take your kid at face value, or brush him off completely, talk to some of the other parents to see if their children have expressed similar concerns. At their next play date, ask your child’s friends what they think about their teacher. If what you hear is in line with the complaints you’ve been hearing at home, then it may be time to take action. If not, then it may call for a little more investigation before you stage a teacher takeover.

Listen to your child’s friends and their parents to get their take. Go to open house night at the school and listen to the teacher’s expectations and watch her style so that you can get a feel for how she may interact with the students and run her classroom. You can even plant yourself outside the classroom door as a ploy that you’re picking your child up early so that you can watch how they relate to one another. It’s important that you don’t just jump to conclusions-and into action- before you get the story from all sides.

Step 5: Make a Date with the Teacher

If the complaints last at least a week then it may be time to set up a conference with the teacher. Of course, or if you see a sudden change in your child’s behavior: he becomes more anxious and clingy, has trouble sleeping, is in emotional or physical distress, or starts refusing to go to school, call for a conference, ASAP.

And while confronting the situation head-on probably isn’t on the top of your list of things you’re looking forward to-don’t wait. The best approach is to use caution and listen to the teacher’s side. Begin the meeting positively by briefly describing the problem and sticking to the facts as you know them.  Once you’ve laid it out on the line, ask the teacher what the two of you can do to solve the problem. Letting her know that you are willing to work with her, and not against her, will go a long way towards garnering results. Remember, kids do act differently in different situations.

If your child is older, then it might be helpful for him attend the meeting with you and that you let him do the speaking. Explain to the teacher that you are there to support your child but that he needs to try and work things out on his own. Once there, watch the teacher’s interaction with your child. Are you catching positive vibes and a genuine concern? Is your child more anxious or relaxed?The goal in the meeting is to see if your child and teacher are able to talk through their differences and come up with a positive solution.

And do let your child know he may not be able to transfer classes before you go into the meeting. Its important that he understands a positive resolution with that particular teacher is the best solution, in the likely event that he will remain in the same classroom for the rest of the school year. Much will depend of the dynamics of the situation, but if your child has had a pattern of expecting to be bailed out-and you’ve complied-refrain!

Step 6: Take Your Issue To the Higher-Ups

If you have exhausted all the other options and things continue to be tens then its time for you to involve someone from the school’s chain of command. Whether it’s the principal, vice principal, or your child’s guidance counselor, it’s important that you get someone involved that is in a position to address your concerns about the teacher with some action. When you meet with them, make sure you remain calm and tell your side of the story from a factual point of view. It may also be helpful to have a written record of the complaint and any steps or actions (like the previous teacher conference) that you have taken up to that time.

If you find yourself in a situation that is continuing to decline, then its time to involve a third party. If things continue to be tense despite the meeting, if the teacher refuses to meet with you or if your child’s behavior or learning begins to slide set up a meeting with principal or counselor immediately. Keep in mind that you may still end up having to switch schools but a positive learning experience is crucial for your child’s education. In the end, you just want to find the solution that provides the safest, healthiest environment for your child to learn and grow.

Like any other parenting problem, the key to solving this one is patience. I n most cases, our children are spending their days with qualified educators who will help them to grow and prosper as the school year progresses. If there truly is a problem that needs to be solved, it will benefit both you and your child if you handle it in a calm, respectful way that isn’t accusatory or attacking. After all, you are your child’s teacher outside of the classroom…so always keep in mind that those little eyes will be watching!

Michele Borba, Ed.D., is an educational psychologist, former teacher, and mom. She is recognized for offering research-driven advice culled from a career of working with over one million parents, educators, and children. A frequent Today show contributor and recipient of the National Educator Award, Michele is the author of 22 books including Building Moral Intelligence, No More Misbehavin’, and The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries.

via galtime.com
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Dream Parenting: Find an Audience of Appreciation

Parenting is a tough and often, lonely job. Who can you talk to share your successes and your struggles? Who will appluad you when you have a good day and hug you when you don’t? You need an audience that is nonjudgemental and empathic. Not many of us have this in their lives currently. You may have to look long and hard for this person(s) but don’t give up on this exercise. It is important. Call this person daily and tell them what you did great, no matter how small. Let them be your cheerleader. In turn, you can be there’s. This isn’t necessarily a time for confession of your parenting problems but you don’t have to hide them either. You wand, no need, to find someone who will appreciate your efforts and your end results. 


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Amanda Todd’s Story: Are Parenting and the Internet to Blame?

Caution: This is a very serious and disburding story but one that needs to be heard to protect our teens

 

Cyberbullying (well, bullying in general) is becoming a bigger problem for today’s youth. The internet has created a web of connections that allows teens to harass others from behind a screen and never be held accountable for their actions. Now, another teen has reportedly taken her own life due to bullying which occurred both on- and off-line.

Amanda Todd of Canada made a bad decision when she was in seventh grade. It was while talking on a webcam that she flashed a stranger. Although the incident seemed to be forgotten, a year later she was faced with the possibility of the photo surfacing and being shown to everyone. Threats ensued and the picture eventually released. She was depressed, as can be imagined, and things never seemed to get better, despite the fact that she was on antidepressants.

She uploaded a Youtube video detailing her bullying through the use of note cards and then allegedly committed suicide. The video has gone viral and has really struck a chord with people. Why did this young girl choose this fate? While some may blame the bullies, there are others who are blaming the parents, and not just in Amanda’s case, but in these kinds of stories in general.

The Vancouver Sun ran a report, outlining the reactions to Amanda Todd’s story from all around the world. While nearly everyone agreed that the story was tragic, many felt that the internet is to blame. Many pointed out that through the use of social networking, teens are connected 24/7. However, it isn’t solely an internet issue, though, is it? Many users also pointed out that it is a parent’s responsibility to monitor what their children do on the internet. Of course, these days, kids are connected to the web via their laptops and their smartphones, the latter of which can make it harder to monitor.

One Facebook user said, “No matter how old they are, follow your children/teen’s activities on the internet. It’s not ‘an invasion of privacy’ to be attentive to this type of activity, especially since this behaviour is so prevalent in today’s society and it’s new to everyone.”

The problem is all of this technology is very new and too often, parents aren’t exactly keen on how it works.

Amanda’s mother seemed to help her the best she could, even relocating her daughter to a different school when the bullying got out of hand. Sadly, the bullying followed her there, something that she was virtually unable to escape.

Several Facebook pages have gone up in memory of Amanda, one in particular reaching nearly 34,000 likes at the writing of this article. There, many people have expressed their condolences and continue to discuss what needs to be done to prevent teens from taking their own lives due to bullying.

via news.gather.com

 

 

Ron Asks: How are you protecting your teens from this kind of abuse online? Share your thoughts and comments with us…

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Dream Parenting: Do More of What Works

In day one of our new Dream Parenting Series we explored the need to “take inventory” of our family situations. Today we want to focus on how to start shifting the balance from the negatives, in your inventories, to a positive. The simpliest and quickest way is to “do more of what works” and less of what doesn’t. It really can be that simple…


What is it about your family that works? What is that you do as a parent, however infrequently, that seems to make a difference in others? What is one thing that you like about your own parenting and your family interactions?

The simpliest way to transform your family into your “dream family” is to do more of those positive things. Do it daily, hourly if you can. Build up some energy and good vibrations.I know that you can’t go to Disney Land everyday, if that was your only answer. But you can find the underlying positive thing that going to Disney Land brought about. Was it engaging in a new challenge that brought out the fun in each of you? What other, less costly things, can you do to challenge yourself and your family? Was going to the Magic Kingdom about not doing laundry and worrying about poor school grades? Those are both realities to family life but how can you carve our time in your day, each day, to not think or do those things and just focus on one another?

The other side to this coin is to do less of the negative things in life. I know paying bills is a negative and you have to do it. I am not suggesting you stop paying the light bill. Can you do it at a time when the kids are in bed and your focus with them is on more positive attitudes. If you hate cooking, you can’t exactly not cook, right? What foods are less challenging to prepare or how can you combine what you love to do when you are doing what you hate to do. 

You won’t be perfect in this act of dream transformation. You may still yell at your child when they leave the towel on the bathroom floor. Just start over by doing less of the negative thing (yelling) and more of what works for you. Over time, you will see better outcomes in your interactions with your family. Being with each other will be more about what works and less about what doesn’t. 

Share how you have used this dream parenting principle in your family!


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New “Dream Parenting” Series

I originally started this series on my Inner Circle membership for the Parenting Toolbox a couple months ago. The short story is that I didn’t finish it. It also didn’t get as many eyeballs as I would have liked so I decided to put it out here, on the main blog page, to get a better conversation going. It might also get me to be more accountable about writing more. 

I call this series, the “Dream Parenting” because we all want to be the kind of parent we dreamed of but usually fall short of… I hope these thoughts help you and your family. Share your thoughts by leaving a comment here or on our Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/parentingtoolbox

Dream Parenting: Taking Inventory

What is your biggest strength as a parent? What is your biggest weakness? This isn’t a time for denial to rear it’s ugly defenses. Be honest. What is your best plus or minus when it comes to parenting? Perhaps you don’t like your child. If that is it, admit it. Perhaps you are a horrible cook. Time for the truth because the truth, as they say, will set you free. Be honest about your strengths too. Don’t minimize them…blow them up. You will need this strength to get you through the days ahead. What do you love more than anything else about what you do as a parent? Love crafts, snuggle time, early mornings, weekend walks, trips to the park, reading stories together. Let’s build on those strengths and “do more of them”. This will make your journey to becoming the parent you “dreamed” you would be more of a reality.

Share your thoughts with us… 

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My Child Is Stealing! Why?


Your child does homework on time, helps you clear the table after dinner, and even helps with housework on the weekends. So can it be true that this same child is stealing?

Before you react, it helps to know a little about why kids steal and where to get help.

Why Kids and Teens Steal

Kids of all ages — from preschoolers to teens — can be tempted to steal for different reasons:

  • Very young children sometimes take things they want without understanding that things cost money and that it’s wrong to take something without paying for it.
  • School-age kids usually know they’re not supposed to take something without paying, but they might do so anyway because they lack enough self-control.
  • Preteens and teens know they’re not supposed to steal, but might steal for the thrill of it or because their friends do. Some might believe they can get away with it. As they’re given more control over their lives, some teens steal as a way of rebelling.

And other complex reasons can be factors. Kids might be angry or want attention. Their behavior may reflect stress at home, school, or with friends. Some may steal as a cry for help because of emotional or physical abuse they’re enduring.

In other cases, kids and teens steal because they can’t afford to pay for what they need or want — for example, they may steal to get popular name-brand items. In some cases, they may take things to support drug habits.

Whatever the reason for stealing, parents need to find out the root of the behavior and address other underlying problems, like drug abuse, that may surface.

via kidshealth.org

Ron Reacts: This is one of those “tough” parenting issues that go above the regular family issues. What have you done to deal with a child who steals? Tell us your story by clicking post reply…

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Sisters protect siblings from depression, study shows

Sisters protect siblings from depression, study shows

Sisters protect siblings from depression, study shows

 

Something about having a sister – even a little sister – makes 10- to 14-year-olds a bit less likely to feel down in the dumps according to research by Brigham Young University. Credit: Mark Philbrick/BYU

Something about having a sister – even a little sister – makes 10- to 14-year-olds a bit less likely to feel down in the dumps.

That’s one of several intriguing findings from a new study on the impact have on one another. Brigham Young University professor Laura Padilla-Walker is the lead author on the research, which also sorts out the influence of siblings and the influence of within families.

“Even after you account for parents’ influence, siblings do matter in unique ways,” said Padilla-Walker, who teaches in BYU’s School of Family Life. “They give kids something that parents don’t.”

Padilla-Walker’s research stems from BYU’s Flourishing Families Project and will appear in the August issue of the Journal of . The study included 395 families with more than one child, at least one of whom was an adolescent between 10 and 14 years old. The researchers gathered a wealth of information about each family’s dynamic, then followed up one year later. Statistical analyses showed that having a sister protected from feeling lonely, unloved, guilty, self-conscious and fearful. It didn’t matter whether the sister was younger or older, or how far apart the siblings were agewise.

Brothers mattered, too. The study found that having a loving sibling of either gender promoted good deeds, such as helping a neighbor or watching out for other kids at school. In fact, loving siblings fostered charitable attitudes more than loving parents did. The relationship between sibling affection and good deeds was twice as strong as that between parenting and good deeds.

“For parents of younger kids, the message is to encourage sibling affection,” said Padilla-Walker. “Once they get to adolescence, it’s going to be a big protective factor.”

Many parents justifiably worry about the seemingly endless fighting between siblings. The study found hostility was indeed associated with greater risk of delinquency. Yet Padilla-Walker also sees a silver lining in the data: The fights give children a chance to learn how to make up and to regain control of their emotions, skills that come in handy down the road.

“An absence of affection seems to be a bigger problem than high levels of conflict,” Padilla-Walker said.

Provided by Brigham Young University

How has your sibling helped you buffer the stressors of living? Share with us…