Understanding the Impact of Contingent Self-Esteem
Relation-Based Self-Esteem (RBSE), a lesser-known aspect of self-worth, can significantly influence our emotional well-being and relationships. Unlike Competence-Based Self-Esteem (CBSE), which stems from personal achievements and abilities, RBSE hinges on external validation and emotional connections. Let’s delve into this topic, explore a relatable example, and discover resources for healing.
What Is RBSE?
RBSE develops from early experiences of emotional deprivation or rejection. Imagine growing up feeling unloved or unworthy due to strained relationships with parents or caregivers. As a result, individuals with RBSE seek affirmation and validation primarily through close relationships. Their self-worth becomes contingent upon external factors—whether they feel loved, accepted, or valued by others.
The Struggle: An Example
Meet Maya, a 30-year-old marketing professional. Maya’s RBSE journey began during her childhood. Her parents were emotionally distant, rarely expressing affection. Maya internalized this lack of warmth, believing she was unlovable. As an adult, she craved validation from her romantic partners, friends, and colleagues. Her happiness fluctuated based on their approval or disapproval.
Maya’s RBSE manifested in several ways:
- Fear of Rejection: Maya avoided taking risks or asserting herself. She feared rejection and often stayed in unfulfilling relationships to maintain a sense of worth.
- People-Pleasing: She bent over backward to please others, sacrificing her own needs. Maya’s self-worth depended on making everyone else happy.
- Emotional Rollercoaster: Maya’s mood swung dramatically based on external feedback. A compliment elevated her, while criticism shattered her confidence.
Healing Strategies
If you resonate with Maya’s struggle, consider these healing strategies:
- Self-Reflection and Awareness:
- Acknowledge your RBSE patterns. When do you seek external validation? How does it impact your emotions and choices?
- Challenge Negative Beliefs:
- Identify thoughts like “I’m only valuable if others approve” or “I’m unlovable.” Question their validity.
- Intrinsic Self-Worth:
- Shift focus from external validation to internal acceptance. Explore your strengths, values, and achievements beyond relationships.
- Healthy Boundaries:
- Learn to say no. Prioritize your well-being without fearing rejection.
- Treat yourself kindly—just as you would a friend.
- Diversify Validation Sources:
- Seek validation from hobbies, personal growth, and achievements.
- Build a support network that appreciates you beyond relational roles.
Resources for Healing
- Books:
- The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown: A powerful exploration of self-worth, vulnerability, and authenticity.
- Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller: Understand attachment styles and their impact on relationships.
- Therapy:
- Consider individual or group therapy. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help restructure RBSE-related thoughts.
- Mindfulness Practices:
- Meditation, yoga, and grounding techniques foster self-awareness and inner peace.
- Support Groups:
- Connect with others who share similar struggles. You’re not alone.
RBSE isn’t insurmountable. By nurturing intrinsic self-worth, setting boundaries, and seeking professional guidance, you can embark on a transformative journey toward healing. Remember, you are worthy—simply because you exist.
Maya’s story is fictional, but the struggle is real. Get help today by contacting Ron Huxley.
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