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I just woke up. It’s a new day. Nothing has happened yet. I can determine my future, my choices, my mindsets. I can decide how I will react and feel today. My moods are mine to master, not the other way around. Today is a new day and I can have the family, relationships, joy I choose to have.

So can you…What do you choose?

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Divorce and Parental Alienation

Parental alienation syndrome (abbreviated as PAS) is a term coined by Richard A. Gardner in the early 1980s to refer to what he describes as a disorder in which a child, on an ongoing basis, belittles and insults one parent without justification, due to a combination of factors, including indoctrination by the other parent (almost exclusively as part of a child custody dispute) and the child’s own attempts to denigrate the target parent.[1] Gardner introduced the term in a 1985 paper, describing a cluster of symptoms he had observed during the early 1980s.[1]

Parental alienation syndrome is not recognized as a disorder by the medical or legal communities and Gardner’s theory and related research have been extensively criticized by legal and mental health scholars for lacking scientific validity and reliability.[2][3][4][5][6] However, the separate but related concept of parental alienation, the estrangement of a child from a parent, is recognized as a dynamic in some divorcing families.[2][7][8] Psychologists differentiate between parental alienation and parental alienation syndrome by linking parental alienation with behaviors or symptoms of the parents, while parental alienation syndrome is linked to hatred and vilification of a targeted parent by the child.[9]

The admissibility of PAS has been rejected by an expert review panel and the Court of Appeal of England and Wales in the United Kingdom and Canada’s Department of Justice recommends against its use. PAS has appeared in some family court disputes in the United States.[10][11] Gardner portrayed PAS as well accepted by the judiciary and having set a variety of precedents, but legal analysis of the actual cases indicates this claim was incorrect.

Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parental_alienation_syndrome

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In Defense of “Broken Families”

By Ron Huxley, LMFT

I have been noticing this term “broken families” pop up a lot recently in various professional writings and parent blogs. Each time I read it, I shudder. The underlying connotation is that a family that has undergone a divorce, death, adoption, abuse, etc. is somehow broken and unrepairable. It is a fatal diagnosis that leaves families without hope. I know, I know, it’s just language but words do have power. They percolate in the brain and become belief systems and self identifying references. The more we hear the word, the more we start to belive them and then we start to give up.

When someone witnesses a teenager with substance abuse issues, for example, people will comment: “You know they come from a broken family”. Everyone who goes through foster care, adoption, or experiences a divorce is going to have mental issues, right? Wrong. Many families deal with teenage substance abuse, not just nontraditional families. While it is possible that children of divorce may act out in antisocial ways, this doesn’t mean that all children of divorce will have issues in life that impair them. The same is true for adopted children or someone in a foster home or raised by a grandparent.

I am not denying that families do suffer from going through experiences like divorce or death or adoption. Loss is central to each of these things but that should not be a life-sentence resulting in mental and relational problems. Life is full of suffering. The focus here needs to be on how to help others cope. How can we learn from those who survive and thrive and teach it to everyone. I take affront at these comments and attitudes because they assume a dark, gloomy fate just because they have undergone a loss. That is just one path.

A recent national study on foster care and adoption in the child welfare system listed that 48% of children, in the system, have significant behavior problems. At first glance, that feels devastating but what about the other 52% that don’t? Who studies them? What makes them more of a survivor, better able to cope, more reselient? Let’s see those studies. Perhaps we could learn some useful tools to help us build strong families.

My challenge is too guard our language. This means we have to closely guard the thoughts that produce them too. We have to start looking at loss for what it is, a painful experience and not as destiny. To counter these negative connotations, try identifying the strengths of families and individuals in them. What have they done well that we can build upon? What new words can we use to describe them and assume their inevitable success in life?

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Dream Parenting: Act/React or Act/Counteract?

Parenting can be considered a dance where two people, one big and one little, move in response to one another. Usually, there is one person in the lead and one person who follows. In families, it can be unclear who is leading. At times it is alright if a child leads but in the long run, parents must be in charge if the family is going to get the most out of their relationships. In order to do this, parents may need to redefine how they choose their dance steps. 

Try this new step: Instead of act vs react, try act vs counter act. Parents tend to react toward a child’s mis-reaction and this almost always ends in frustrated dancers. Don’t react to a child’s actions. Plan a counter action. Problems are predictable in that they will come up day after day after day. If what you tried to do (react) today doesn’t work, you can plan a counter act for tomorrow because the problem will be ready for you again. Parents can have a lot of practice with their new steps until it feels comfortable and natural. 

Parents don’t like the idea of act vs counter act because it sounds like a lot of work. It can be but it isn’t as frustrating as dancing the steps of act vs reaction. Parents will dislike that outcome even more. The key to dancing successfully is to be consistent with your counter action to your child’s action. Don’t fall back into the reaction with yelling, threatening or giving in. Try questioning, letting natural consequences be there own teacher or redirecting the child’s misbehaviors. There are many ideas available for counter action. Be creative. Do the opposite of what you usually do. Let the other parent cut in and take the lead in the dance when on is too tired. Sing your request, say nothing at all or whisper instead of lecturing. Do time in instead of time out. Or, just go walk the dog. 

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Parenting Styles and the Effect they have on Children

Parenting is sometimes referred to as the hardest job in the world. Although there are millions of parenting books, your individual child is not born with a “how to raise me manual.”

By Carnigee Truesdale

Source: http://www.psychiatry.emory.edu/PROGRAMS/GADrug/effect_on_children.html

Most parents look to their own parents, their friends and parental experts with questions they have on how to be an effective parent. Naturally, every parent has traits that they admire as well as a value system they wish to instill to enable their child to mature into a successful and morally just adult. However, parents partake in different methods to achieve the same goal. Unfortunately, not all methods are conducive in raising a healthy individual and may have a severe impact on child development.

Psychologist, Ron Huxley believes parenting styles are defined as the “manner in which parents express their beliefs about how to be a "good” or “bad” parent.“ He says that parents adopt styles of parenting learned from their parents because they do not know what else to do and because they feel that their way of parenting is the right way (The Four Styles of Parenting-personal communication, June 5, 2001).

There are four basic styles of parenting each having an effect on child development. The first is the rejecting/neglecting style of parenting. The rejecting/neglecting parent rarely sets limits or shows positive affection (Huxley, 2001). Typically, the rejecting/neglecting parent is frequently absent or pre-occupied with social and environmental disruptions (work, divorce, illness, alcoholism, etc.) (Dr. Stein, Impact of Parenting Styles on Children, June 5, 2001). According to Dr. Stein, children of rejecting/neglecting parents may lack the ability to form close relationships, feel unloved, helpless and isolated. Children may even develop bitter, hostile and anxious feelings (Stein, 2001).

The second parenting style is the authoritarian parent who is very restrictive, punitive and shows little positive affection. Authoritarian parents are very strict and encourage perfectionism. Physical punishment is sometimes used for discipline or training. Dr. Stein believes children of authoritarian parents develop self-guilt and self-hatred that could lead to low self-esteem (2001).

The third parenting style is the permissive parent who shows a lot of positive affection but rarely disciplines or sets limits. Within this parental dimension the roles are often switched. The child has control and manipulates the parents, and the parents become the children. Sometimes a permissive parent may shower the child with gifts and certain privileges without regard to the child’s specific needs. Permissive parents may also submit to the child’s demands, temper tantrums or impulsivity to calm the child. Children of permissive parents fail to take initiative, ignore the rights and respect for others and lose responsibility (Stein, 2001).

The last parenting style is authoritative or democratic/balanced. The authoritative parent exhibits high amounts of positive affection and disciplinarian techniques. The authoritative parental style is based on democratic concepts such as equality and trust. Parents and children are equal in terms of their needs for respect and self-worth but not in terms of responsibility and making decisions (Huxley, 2001). Children of authoritative parents feel secure, accepted, have autonomy and find satisfaction in achievement and contribution (Stein, 2001).

It appears that modeling and imitation may have the most beneficial effect on childhood development. Dr. Firestone believes that the modeling effect derived from the child’s daily living with their parental figures who themselves should consistently behave in a responsible manner, is more important than specific training or disciplinary measures (1990). Toxic personality traits in parents not only have a profoundly destructive effect on children directly, but the negative qualities are passed on to succeeding generations through the process of identification and imitation (Firestone, 1990). Instead of turning to everyone else for answers on how to be an effective parent, parents should look within themselves first and become the person they want their children to emulate.

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Children Heal in Healthy Families

By Ron Huxley, LMFT

When parents decide to build their family they don’t want to believe that their child may in up with developmental or special needs that require a lot of time, commitment and yes, money. They are dreaming of the perfect family, playing and enjoying warm, cuddly time together. There is nothing wrong with that but not every dream turns out that way. 

Many families choose to build their family through adoption or end up taking care of a relatives child due to many misfortunes and circumstances. Consequently, many children come with a history of trauma and loss. The dream family is still possible but it must be modified and made more realistic. You have to say goodbye to the old dream to allow room for the new one to unfold.

Research and common experiences proves that children can heal in a healthy family. A child needs a secure attachment relationships in order to maximize all the areas of their lives, socially, physically, emotionally, cognitively and spiritually. 

Because many children comes from insecure attachment relationships, they don’t always know what it means to be in a health family. Their special needs may be based on survival in high stress family situations. Their “abnormal behaviors” in a normal family were perfectly “normal” in their abnormal situations before entering the new home. A bit of rehabilitation is necessary to help them make the internal and external adjustments. 

Trauma situations impact the children development. This includes their brain development as well. The child needs to adapt to overwhelming and hostile environments and can create a position of offensive behaviors that don’t want to submit to parental controls. An internal model develops that believes the world and caregivers cannot be trusted. 

Fortunately, the same brain that adapted to stressful circumstances can re-adapt to calm living environments. This happens over time, sometimes quickly and sometimes not so quickly. This is challenging for parents to understand and cope. 

The brain must be re-activated to change. Experience dictates form and function when it comes to brain adaptation. New, positive experiences that happen repeatedly will open up new neuronal brain growth that allows for a feelings safety and security to settle in. Once this happens, parents can begin to enjoy that “dream family” once again.