self-esteem – Ron Huxley LMFT

March 17, 2024March 17, 2024

Navigating Relation-Based Self-Esteem (RBSE): A Journey to Inner Healing

Understanding the Impact of Contingent Self-Esteem

Relation-Based Self-Esteem (RBSE), a lesser-known aspect of self-worth, can significantly influence our emotional well-being and relationships. Unlike Competence-Based Self-Esteem (CBSE), which stems from personal achievements and abilities, RBSE hinges on external validation and emotional connections. Let’s delve into this topic, explore a relatable example, and discover resources for healing.

What Is RBSE?

RBSE develops from early experiences of emotional deprivation or rejection. Imagine growing up feeling unloved or unworthy due to strained relationships with parents or caregivers. As a result, individuals with RBSE seek affirmation and validation primarily through close relationships. Their self-worth becomes contingent upon external factors—whether they feel loved, accepted, or valued by others.

The Struggle: An Example

Meet Maya, a 30-year-old marketing professional. Maya’s RBSE journey began during her childhood. Her parents were emotionally distant, rarely expressing affection. Maya internalized this lack of warmth, believing she was unlovable. As an adult, she craved validation from her romantic partners, friends, and colleagues. Her happiness fluctuated based on their approval or disapproval.

Maya’s RBSE manifested in several ways:

Fear of Rejection: Maya avoided taking risks or asserting herself. She feared rejection and often stayed in unfulfilling relationships to maintain a sense of worth.
People-Pleasing: She bent over backward to please others, sacrificing her own needs. Maya’s self-worth depended on making everyone else happy.
Emotional Rollercoaster: Maya’s mood swung dramatically based on external feedback. A compliment elevated her, while criticism shattered her confidence.

Healing Strategies

If you resonate with Maya’s struggle, consider these healing strategies:

Self-Reflection and Awareness:

Acknowledge your RBSE patterns. When do you seek external validation? How does it impact your emotions and choices?

Challenge Negative Beliefs:

Identify thoughts like “I’m only valuable if others approve” or “I’m unlovable.” Question their validity.

Intrinsic Self-Worth:

Shift focus from external validation to internal acceptance. Explore your strengths, values, and achievements beyond relationships.

Healthy Boundaries:

Learn to say no. Prioritize your well-being without fearing rejection.
Treat yourself kindly—just as you would a friend.

Diversify Validation Sources:

Seek validation from hobbies, personal growth, and achievements.
Build a support network that appreciates you beyond relational roles.

Resources for Healing

Books:

The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown: A powerful exploration of self-worth, vulnerability, and authenticity.
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller: Understand attachment styles and their impact on relationships.

Therapy:

Consider individual or group therapy. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help restructure RBSE-related thoughts.

Mindfulness Practices:

Meditation, yoga, and grounding techniques foster self-awareness and inner peace.

Support Groups:

Connect with others who share similar struggles. You’re not alone.

RBSE isn’t insurmountable. By nurturing intrinsic self-worth, setting boundaries, and seeking professional guidance, you can embark on a transformative journey toward healing. Remember, you are worthy—simply because you exist.

Maya’s story is fictional, but the struggle is real. Get help today by contacting Ron Huxley.

June 27, 2023

How to Learn From a Narcissist Without Becoming One!

According to a study published in the journal “Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin”, individuals who score higher on the narcissism scale also tend to have higher self-esteem, confidence, and assertiveness levels. These traits can be beneficial in certain situations, such as job interviews or negotiations, where self-assurance can help individuals secure better opportunities and outcomes.

Furthermore, the same study suggests that individuals with high levels of narcissism also tend to possess greater creativity and charisma. These qualities can help individuals become successful leaders and innovators in their fields.

However, it’s important to note that excessive levels of narcissism can also lead to negative consequences, such as strained relationships, conflicts, and isolation. It’s essential to find a balance between healthy self-assessment and self-aggrandizement.

By understanding and harnessing the positive aspects of narcissism, we can become more confident and effective individuals without sacrificing our empathy and authenticity.

Cultivate Confidence, Not Arrogance:
Having confidence is an incredible trait that can drive us towards success. It’s important to acknowledge our capabilities and achievements while respecting others and not diminishing their worth. When we nurture authentic confidence, it motivates us and uplifts those who surround us, leading to a constructive atmosphere for personal development.
Seek Self-Validation through Personal Growth:
Focus on your own self-improvement instead of seeking validation from others. Set achievable goals, learn new skills, and broaden your knowledge. By tracking your progress and finding satisfaction in it, you will be inspired to consistently develop and achieve greatness.
Practice Empathy and Understanding:
It’s true that narcissistic individuals may struggle with empathy, but we have the power to cultivate it within ourselves. One way to do this is by actively listening to those around us, seeking to understand their viewpoints, and forging genuine connections. By prioritizing empathy, we can build stronger and healthier relationships, fostering an environment of compassion and support.
Gratitude: The Key to Humility:
One way to combat narcissism is by practicing gratitude, which helps cultivate humility. Take a few moments each day to reflect on and appreciate the people, opportunities, and experiences that bring richness to your life. By doing so, you can foster a genuine connection with the world and cultivate a sense of humility.
Have Ambition with Purpose:
It’s perfectly okay to have high aspirations. Aim for the stars, establish purposeful goals, and put in the effort to accomplish them. By doing so, you will motivate those around you and direct your ambition toward making a favorable impact while unlocking your full potential.
Embrace Accountability and Growth:
It’s important for us to take responsibility for our actions in order to grow personally. We should recognize our mistakes, gain knowledge from them, and take ownership of them. This allows us to create an environment where we can develop and nurture integrity within ourselves.
Balancing Self-Care and Consideration:
It’s important to prioritize self-care, but finding balance is crucial. Take care of yourself while also considering the needs of those around you. Build healthy relationships by being attentive, supportive, and dependable. This balance will help you take care of yourself while maintaining positive connections with others.
Building Resilience:
As we go through life, we face various challenges, but with resilience, we can bounce back and overcome them. It’s essential to develop emotional strength, learn from setbacks, and maintain a healthy level of self-esteem. Constructive feedback can be a valuable tool for growth, allowing us to adapt, overcome obstacles, and stay on track toward achieving personal fulfillment.

By exploring the positive qualities within narcissism, we unlock valuable lessons that can enhance our lives. By cultivating confidence, empathy, gratitude, ambition, and accountability, we foster personal growth and positively impact the world around us. So, let’s embrace these lessons, learn from narcissism, and become the best versions of ourselves while nurturing genuine connections with others.

April 4, 2023

Boosting Your Teen’s Confidence: 5 Powerful Tips

Teenagers are at a stage in life where they discover who they are, where they fit in the world and their purpose. It’s a time when their self-esteem and confidence can be easily shaken, leading to self-doubt, anxiety, and even depression. As a parent, caregiver, or educator, it’s important to foster their self-confidence and help them build a positive self-image. Here are five ways to do just that:

Encourage their passions and interests.

Teenagers are exploring their identities and interests, and it’s essential to support and encourage their passions. Whether it’s music, sports, art, or any other hobby, show interest in what they enjoy doing and help them pursue their interests. Encouraging their passions will help them feel a sense of purpose and accomplishment and give them a positive outlet to express themselves.

If your teenager loves playing guitar, encourage them to join a local music club or take lessons to improve their skills.
If your teenager enjoys drawing or painting, provide them with art supplies and encourage them to participate in art contests or showcase their artwork in a local gallery.

Praise effort over outcome

It’s important to celebrate the effort teenagers put into achieving their goals, regardless of the outcome. Focusing solely on the end result can lead to anxiety and self-doubt if they don’t achieve the desired outcome. Praise the effort and hard work that they put in, and emphasize the value of the learning experience that comes from trying something new.

If your teenager studies hard for a test but doesn’t receive a high grade, praise their hard work and effort instead of focusing on the grade.
If your teenager participates in a sports game but their team loses, praise their teamwork and effort rather than focusing on the loss.

Encourage healthy risk-taking

Taking risks can be scary, but it’s essential to building self-confidence. Encourage your teenager to step outside their comfort zone and take healthy risks, such as trying a new activity, speaking up in class, or joining a club. By taking risks and facing their fears, they’ll gain confidence in their abilities and learn that failure is not the end of the world.

Encourage your teenager to try a new activity or sport that they’ve been interested in but are nervous to try.
Encourage your teenager to speak up in class or share their opinions with their friends, even if they’re afraid of being judged.

Focus on strengths, not weaknesses.

Getting caught up in our flaws and shortcomings is easy, but focusing on strengths can boost self-esteem and confidence. Help your teenager identify their strengths and celebrate them. Encourage them to use their strengths to overcome challenges and achieve their goals. By focusing on what they’re good at, they’ll feel more confident in their abilities.

If your teenager struggles in math but excels, focus on their writing skills and encourage them to enter writing contests or start a blog.
If your teenager is shy in social situations but is a great listener, praise their listening skills and encourage them to join a listening and counseling club.

Practice positive self-talk

Our thoughts have a powerful impact on our emotions and behavior. Help your teenager develop a positive self-talk routine by encouraging them to challenge negative thoughts and replace them with positive affirmations. Encourage them to focus on their strengths, accomplishments, and progress. Positive self-talk can help build resilience and self-confidence and can also help combat negative self-talk that can lead to anxiety and depression.

Encourage your teenager to write down positive affirmations, such as “I am capable and strong,” and repeat them to themselves every morning.
Encourage your teenager to challenge negative self-talk, such as “I’m not good enough,” and replace it with positive self-talk, such as “I am unique and have my own talents.”

In conclusion, building self-confidence in teenagers is essential to helping them develop into healthy, happy adults. Encourage their passions, praise their efforts, encourage healthy risk-taking, focus on strengths, and practice positive self-talk. By doing so, you can help your teenager build a positive self-image and develop the self-confidence they need to thrive in life.

If you would like help with your teenagers, consider scheduling a session with Ron Huxley, LMFT. Ron has 32 years of experience in child and family therapy. Click here now!

November 24, 2021

Yes, you can! Build up your confidence

Why Self-Confidence Matters

It often seems that confidence is elusive, like a smoky mirage. Sometimes, it feels magical and wonderful; other times it can be frustrating.

But I’ll let you in on a little secret: you can build up your self-confidence without having to resort to any crystal. ‘How?’ you ask.

It’s simple.

Start by recognizing that confidence is a skill you can learn. You set a goal and take small steps each day to work towards it.

Keep reading to find out more about self-confidence and why it matters.

What Is Self-Confidence?

Self-confidence isn’t tangible. You can’t touch it and say, “This is confidence.”

It’s something we get a feeling for when we, or others, have it.

Likewise, we can recognize when someone lacks it. Even when they try to attempt to compensate for it, we sense it and feel bad for them.

The good news is that self-confidence is a soft skill, which means you can learn it and apply it to your daily life. It’s not fixed, like your height for example. It’s mainly based on your mindset and the actions you do to follow through.

You can boost your confidence and self-esteem by trusting your abilities. Seeing yourself succeed in your mind is the first step in making better decisions. Then, when your decisions make your life better, your confidence gets a nice little boost. And round and round it goes.

Bear in mind that confidence is infectious. Even though we can’t see it, we still sense other people’s confidence levels in the way they behave and speak.

When someone is confident, they exude excitement and energy. You’re motivated to work hard and feel that same energy.

The downside is it goes both ways. When one person lacks confidence, it can deflate everyone around them. They just get the sense that there’s no point in trying.

Why Does Self-Confidence Matter?

There are different reasons why being confident can improve your life. Below, you’ll find a few examples of how it can make you a happier, more fulfilled individual.

Allows You to Take Positive Risks

We all need the confidence to bring balance and a sense of direction in our lives. Making a conscious decision to develop your confidence will allow you to take positive risks. It gets you out of your comfort zone and puts you on the path to success.

The trick is understanding your own strength. You have to believe that you can master whatever skill you’re striving towards. Yes, it’ll be weird and difficult in the beginning. Yes, you’ll make mistakes along the way. So what?

That’s what life is about. This is what boosts your self-esteem and makes you better at everything you do.

Empowers You to Embrace Your Failures

We all make mistakes. We all fail and meet obstacles in our lives.

The key is to understand that failures are a necessary part of progress. Read that again and really take it in.

Often, we feel that when we fail, it’s the end of the journey. But that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

To fully embrace your failures, you have to think of them as detours. When you’re forced to change lanes or take a detour that doesn’t mean the entire journey is over. It just means you’re taking a different path, but you’ll get there eventually.

Now, why do some people succeed after failing and others don’t? Those who manage to learn from their mistakes. They go over what went wrong and find a way to fix it.

In other words, they use their failures to their advantage. They use them to prop them up and give them the push they need to keep going on their path.

Let’s take a second to think about Thomas Edison and Michael Jordan. What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think of these two names? Success? Fame? Glory? All of the above?

How about failure? You’re probably saying to yourself, ‘These are two of the most prominent members of society. They haven’t failed.’

Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but they have—many times, in fact. Yet, they’re smart enough to use their failures as stepping stones to aim higher and work harder. Imagine our much our lives would have been impacted if these two men had given up every time they failed!

One of Edison’s quotes about refining the light bulb is, “I haven’t failed. I’ve found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

Enables You To Trust Yourself

Many times, we can be our own worst enemies. We critique every move, every word, and every thought over and over again.

In moderation, it can be a great incentive to do better. Although, this only works if we treat ourselves with the same kindness and empathy, we show others. Sadly, it doesn’t happen very often.

The best way to break out of that negative self-talk is to have faith in yourself. Have faith in your decisions. Even if you made mistakes in the past, that doesn’t necessitate future failures.

Own up to your bad decision, embrace it, and move on. That’s now part of your DNA; it’s helping shape a stronger, more resilient person.

Imagine it being part of your arsenal or a superpower. Now, you’ve turned your mistake into something that can make you more resilient and less anxious.

A Final Note

Self-confidence is an integral part of who you are. Understanding why it matters can mean the difference being happy and being miserable.

Having that self-assurance can help boost your relationships and career. You’ll also be able to inspire others to become happier, more fulfilled individuals.

August 12, 2013

Could Your Child Have Too Much Self-Esteem?

Parenting in the Middle Ground

As with most parenting challenges, we are called upon to strike an all-too-elusive balance between two extremes: the tough love approach, typified by “tiger mom” Amy Chua, who advocates criticism, corporal punishment and name-calling of children who must earn their self-esteem through accomplishments, and the phony praise approach, common among some modern American parents, who cheer their children on whether they’ve earned it or not.

There’s more to effective parenting than either extreme offers. Here are a few ways to find the middle ground:

Keep it Real. High self-esteem isn’t a problem – it’s false self-esteem that knocks kids off course. Instead of applauding your child’s every move, reserve your praise for noteworthy accomplishments and behaviors. Praise should go beyond accomplishments to include personality traits that make your child who they are, such as being a good friend, telling the truth and working hard.

When you do praise your child, be specific and focus on effort rather than the end result. Telling your child you’re proud of all the effort they put in to getting an A on their test is more helpful than saying, “You’re so smart.” Knowing exactly what they did well will enhance your child’s sense of self-worth.

Encourage Strategic Risk-Taking. Self-esteem forms when children challenge themselves. Create opportunities for your child to try new things, and when fears and setbacks arise, encourage them to keep trying rather than giving up or rescuing them.

Acknowledge Strengths and Weaknesses. Children need to know that everyone has strengths and weaknesses. If you pretend your child is great at everything, this may artificially inflate their ego or send the message that perfection is expected – a set-up for low self-esteem.

Embrace Mistakes. Overprotective parents do a disservice to their children’s self-esteem. From mistakes and setbacks children develop resiliency and faith that they are worthy even if they don’t always “win.” Share your own stories of overcoming obstacles and work through problems with your child so they can be successful next time.

Love Unconditionally. Self-esteem flourishes when children know that you will always love and accept them (though you may not always like their behavior or decisions). This message comes through clearly when parents are generous with their affection and listen attentively to their children’s thoughts and feelings.

Reward Social Success. True self-esteem stems from close ties with other people. A 2012 study shows that positive social relationships during youth are better predictors of adult happiness than academic success or financial prosperity. In addition to reinforcing a child’s intellect or athleticism, celebrate their ability to empathize with or help others and encourage them to participate in activities that build social connections.

Avoid Comparisons. Your child needs to be respected for their individual talents and abilities. Resist the temptation to compare your child to their friends or siblings, even if the message is positive. Instead, emphasize your child’s strengths and help them work on their weak spots.

Set Realistically-High Expectations. Children do best when they know what is expected of them. Set clear rules and consequences and follow through when a rule is broken. This predictability lets kids know that discipline and constructive criticism aren’t personal attacks but violations of pre-established rules.

The Byproduct of a Healthy Relationship

The so-called “self-esteem movement” is not a complete abomination. Kids should feel “good enough” and “smart enough,” so long as those sentiments don’t cross the line into “better than” or “smarter than,” particularly if they’re not based on genuine accomplishments and abilities. As parents, this is one area where we can start taking it easy – no more nurturing self-esteem for its own sake but instead doing the things that naturally build self-esteem, like spending quality time as a family.

Could Your Child Have Too Much Self-Esteem?