Ron Huxley will be one of the many speakers on adoption and foster care at this years “Welcoming Children Home” Conference at Grace SLO Church in San Luis Obispo, Ca. Ron’s talk will be “WANTED: RADical Parents for RADical children”. Learn about Reactive Attachment Disorder and practical ways to build a strong, loving home for children that have experience trauma and loss.
Special Free Report: “Balancing Love and Limits in the NonTraditional Family”
by Ron Huxley, LMFT
Balancing love and limits in discipline is one of the most
challenging aspects of parenting. Love and limits refer to
different styles of parenting with love representative of a
“permissive” or child centered style of parenting and limits
representative of “authoritative” or parent centered style. Each
style is based on a set of beliefs, in the parent, about what it
means to be a good parent. No one wants to be a bad parent.
They adopt a style that they feel best meets the goal of
parenting to raise children that are able to manage themselves
and function productively in the world.
Get some tools to rebuild your family today…click here!
S.A.F.E.R. H.O.M.E. : Helping parents deal with power struggles and out-of-control children.
by Ron Huxley, LMFT
Are you in a constant power struggle with your children? Feeling a little helpless to manage the continual arguments and competition between children in your home? Tired of yelling, bribing, and negotiating to get cooperation? Well here is a 9 step plan to help you create a “safer home”:
S = Stop what you are doing. Your probably reacting to the stress of the situation and making things worse. Take some time to…
A = Assess the situation, environment, mood and motivations of your child(ren). What are they doing? Why are they doing it? How are you handling it? Who is involved? Just notice for now…
F =Focus on one problem or priority to address. Don’t try to tackle all the issues. Try and address the core issue that affects the most people/variables. This will allow you to…
E = Empathize with your child’s feelings. State: “I can understand how you would feel this way or want to act in a certain way, however…”
R = Respond (versus reacting) by offering alternative solutions or asking for responses from the children to come up with the alternatives themselves. This activates all areas of the brain through empathy development (right brain and emotional centers of the brain) and logical thought (left brain and cause and effect areas of the brain)…
H = Help children with suggestions for things they could try if they cannot come up with their own or if they won’t do it. “Would you like some ideas? What if we do x or y?”…
O = Offer choices. Would you rather share the toy or find a new one? Brush teeth before or after putting on your pajamas? The more choices and the smaller they are spread out through the day the more compliance you will get. Choices mean power but only offer ones you can live with and be ready to…
M = Maintain your position when they go for that third choice you didn’t offer them. If they do this, you know you are playing a game that no one will win. You may have to be a broken record and repeat the choice two choices two times (this is important to only do it twice) and then…
E = Execute the choice everyone agreed to or take action if they can’t or won’t agree to one. You chose A or B. This is “do or die” when it comes to parenting. Be ready to stick to your choice and don’t back down. If you do, you give total control back to your child. The fight might be tough today but tomorrow it will be easier and easier the day after that until finally it will be a rare day that you have to fight it at all. Won’t that be nice and safe?
Need more help with power struggles, arguments and out-of-control home situations? Contact Ron today at rehuxley@gmail.com about parenting coaching or family therapy.
The Gentle Path of Parenting
by Ron Huxley, LMFT
“Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.”
Many spiritual traditions, including Christianity, like to turn our normal way of thinking on its head. The answers we get from our faith often contradicts the truths we hear around us. If we follow this different path, it can lead to confusion and ridicule but it may also open doors to greater peace in our relationships. It might also lead to the end result we were wanting in the first place by way of an alternate path.
The verse quoted above is from Matthew 5:5 where Jesus gave the Sermon on the Mount. It is also called the Beatitudes where Jesus gave his “Blessings” or instructions on how to live life with a different “attitude”. If what you have been trying with your family isn’t working perhaps it is time to try something new.
What if you stop fighting with your child to pick up his toys or get your husband to stop leaving his boots on the new carpet? What other approach might you take, a more gentle one, that would get the results you want? The arguing and nagging wasn’t working anyway. That is what your family expects from you. They don’t suspect a different, upside down tactic.
Meek doesn’t have to mean weak. You will have to have a new attitude to make this upside down thinking work. Actually, you will have to stop trying to make it work. Much of the spiritual principle of parenting referenced here is that you get something (or something new and better) when you stop wanting something or striving so hard. It’s kind of like when you tell you child not to eat his broccoli and then he wants to eat it. Unfortunately, our relationships are triggered negatively. We expect a fight and so it is a fight we get. We expect mom to yell and so we ignore or stay stuck in front of the screen until she does. The earlier warnings she gave done mean anything. Predictable and annoying.
What would this meek approach look like if we tried that? What is the opposite of what you have been doing? What would calm look like if that was your super power? Nothing rattles mom or dad, not even forgotten chores. Ta da!
What if natural consequences took over instead? What if you get a carpet cleaning estimate and gave it to dad and then asked him to schedule it because you and your girlfriends are going out for coffee and a movie? Perhaps it sounds a bit manipulative but why should everyone else have all the fun watching you spin like an angry top. The alternative to keep doing what you have been doing and that hasn’t worked. You could give up instead and pick up dad’s shoes for him or your children’s toys and just be your families slave. No? Well, that’s try my idea of meekness. It isn’t weakness or complacency or wimpish. It is a calm, gentle approach to dealing with life’s problems and owning your own power. It is accepting that you are a powerful person and using that power in a productive, gentle manner that also respects the other powerful people in your family and fosters creativity in them to use that power respectfully toward you.
Take some time to reflect on this and begin to brainstorm some different strategies and tactics other then a tantrum or yelling or giving up?
//e.infogr.am/trauma-transformation-program
Dependent or Dependable Children?
by Ron Huxley, LMFT
When children enter the world they are completely dependent on big people for everything. Over time they become more independent. This is seen most dramatically in various neurological growth spurts during the “terrific two’s” and “thrilling teen” years. It can be a time of challenging parental authority. Children need learn to do things on their own, make important decisions, and establish a unique identity. These are also trying times and worrying times for parents and may cause us to not let go of a our grip.
The goal is not to keep a child dependent or just teach independence although both are part of life. We will always be dependent on someone for something so purely teaching independence is just part of the goal. A more realistic pursuit is to teach our children to be dependable. This means that a child is worthy of trust and has integrity in life and it will be one of the most important survival skills (and arguably one of the most lacking) needed for a successful adult life.
Are you a Perfect Parent?
by Ron Huxley, LMFT
How many of the parents, reading this column, are perfect
parents? None? Well, how many of the imperfect
parents, reading this column, have perfect children? Still
none? While it may be that perfect parents don’t need to
read this column, I think the real truth is that there are no
perfect parents or perfect children.
If that is true, then why do so many parents act as if there is
such a being as the “perfect parent” or “perfect child?"
To illustrate my point, try completing the following
sentences. Just say the first thing that comes to mind:
1. A good parent always… 2. Good children should…
3. As a parent, I must… 4. My children ought to be more…
5. If I were more like my own parents, I would be more…
If a parent falls short of these standards, and so, is not a
"good” parent, what does that leave the parent to be?
Parents are left with the belief that he or she is a “bad"
parent. These beliefs are responsible for why parents feel
so out of control and powerless in their parenting roles.
Parents need more realistic beliefs about parenting.
Realistic Beliefs about Parenting
Beliefs are expressions of parents’ values about
themselves, other people, and the world. Unrealistic beliefs
create a feeling of demand that pushes and drives parents
unnecessarily where realistic beliefs create a feeling of
inner stability, even when circumstances aren’t always
stable.
One way to create more realistic beliefs is to evaluate the
evidence for your unrealistic thoughts about parenting. Ask
yourself these questions: What law states that a child will
always listen and be respectful? What evidence really
suggests that all parents must be available to their children
at all times? What edict states that I must be perfect?
For one day, make a list of all the negative thoughts that
come to mind as you go about your parenting duties. At the
end of the day, look over the list and write out alternative,
positive counter-thoughts. Whenever the negative thoughts
come up, immediately state the alternative thought to break
its power over you. If it is too hard to remember them all,
pick one or two of the negative thoughts that create the
most interference in your parenting and counter those only.
Do that for about a week and then move down the list to the
others.
Changing what you say about your parenting will change
how you feel about your parenting. Try this experiment:
complete the following incomplete sentences and notice the
emotional difference between these and the first list.
1. A responsible parent always… 2. Good children
sometimes… 3. As a parent, I can be… 4. I desire my
children to be more… 5. If I were like my own parents, the
positive qualities I would like to have…
Only one word was changed in each of these sentences
and yet it dramatically changes how you think and feel. If
you are going to accept the fact that you are imperfect then
you will have to eliminate "perfection” language from your
thoughts and words. You will need to accept the fact that
you are acting “good-enough.” This doesn’t mean that you
shouldn’t strive for more out of yourselves or your child.
Self-improvement is not the same as expecting perfection.
“The Courage To Be Imperfect”
It takes courage to be a “good-enough” parent. This is what
the child psychiatrist, Rudolph Driekurs, calls “the courage
to be imperfect.” While there are plenty of perfect parenting
standards to fall short of, there are no rules for how to be
an imperfect parent. Here are ten un-commandments for
developing the “courage to be imperfect”:
1. Children should be encouraged, not expected, to seek
perfection. 2. Accept who you are rather than try to be
more than or as good as other parents. 3. Mistakes are
aids to learning. Mistakes are not signs of failure.
Anticipating or fearing mistakes will make us more
vulnerable to failure. 4. Mistakes are unavoidable and are
less important than what the parent does after he or she
makes a mistake. 5. Set realistic standards for yourself and
your child. Don’t try correcting or changing too many things
at one time. 6. Develop a sense of your strengths and your
weaknesses. 7. Mutual respect, between parent and child,
starts by valuing yourself. Recognize your own dignity and
worth before you try and show your child their dignity and
worth. 8. Unhappy parents are frequently discouraged,
competitive, unrealistic in their standard for themselves and
their children, over ambitious, and unbalanced in their love
and limits. 9. High standards and expectations are
frequently related to parents’ feelings of inferiority and
lack of adequate parenting resources. 10. Parents need to
develop the courage to cope with the challenges of living,
which means, they must develop the “courage to be
imperfect.”
How do you feel about your child today?
Are you feeling love or are you feeling anger or sadness or disappointment?
Our feelings are responses to events that occur in us and around us. They are not definitions of the relationship status or the amount of affection we can direct towards our children. When they mess up and they are good mess makers, we never change our affections toward them regardless of our emotional state.
Emotions come and go. The word emotion comes from the French term “to stir up” and stir up they do but they also settle down. Our emotional statement is based on our state of mind about our intentions to love our children in unconditional ways no matter what emotions have been stirred up.
The good news about emotions and relationships is that they are new every day. Today is a new day to start fresh and re-store new emotional experiences. Don’t let emotions drag yesterday into todays thoughts and actions. Yesterday is a drag…it drags down your ability to parent from a fully charged emotional purpose to love and cherish your children.
Give yourself permission to feel freely, in love, with your child today.
Parents need to stop thinking about how to “fix” their children’s behavior problems and begin to look at how to “re-source” them instead. Stop trying to stop tantrums or talking back and start re-connecting them to the source of the problems. What is your child needing that he or she cannot get or getting that he or she doesn’t want? Decode and recode your children to add social skills, self-soothing, understanding, competence, attention, love, affection, security that is driving the behaviors in the first place.
It is time to put away punishment and use discipline which is to disciple or teach/guide a child to appropriate behaviors. The goal is not “stop irritating mommy” today but learn to live life successfully tomorrow! You can never deal with a negative by using a negative and expect a positive outcome.
Visualize who and what your child is becoming and connect them to that source of choice-making, problem-solving, character.
“He Never Acts This Way At School!”
by Ron Huxley, LMFT
“The energy which makes a child hard to manage is the energy which afterward makes him a manager of life.” – Henry Ward Beecher”
by Ron Huxley, LMFT
Have you ever heard a parent say this or perhaps said it yourself? Why do some children misbehave at home and not in other settings, like school? While the opposite situation might be true, where the child misbehaves at school and not home, let’s look at this common parenting frustration.
Teaching is a good definition of balanced discipline. In fact, the word discipline comes from the root word “disciplinare” which means to teach or instruct. Most parents understand discipline as reducing inappropriate behaviors (punishment) instead of helping children achieve competence, self-control, self-direction, and social skills. Of course, all parents want this but reinforcing appropriate behaviors seems like a luxury or fantasy when parents are having big problems with their children.
The Parenting Juggling Act
One reason for this may be the act of juggling work and family that so many contemporary parents find themselves performing. In this situation, only the most annoying or irritating behaviors are sure to get a parents attention. Children quickly learn that good behavior or even quiet, a self-directed behavior rarely gets the attention of overloaded parents. Good behavior is one less thing a parent has to deal with while bad behavior guarantees parents attention. This is what educators and therapists call “negative attention” – a powerful reinforcer of children’s misbehavior.
What’s the Model?
So when parents wonder why their child doesn’t misbehave in school we should investigate the school/teaching model a little closer to see what frustrated parents can use at home. Of course, as any teacher will admit, perfect behavior from children never occurs at school or anywhere else but let’s compare school behaviors to home discipline.
Schools are learning environments. Discipline requires a learning environment characterized by positive, nurturing parent-child relationships. Is your home a learning environment or an entertainment center? Are their books, activities and private spaces for children?
Teachers use a curriculum. Discipline occurs when a plan or structure is in place for children. Do you know what you want to teach your children? What values or ideas do you want your children to believe? Is there a set time or routine for learning these things? Are you available to the child for help and instruction? Do you have materials available to educate you about topics you want to teach your children? Are there regular discussions about daily responsibilities, spiritual ideas, personal dreams, and problem areas?
Grades are used to evaluate a child’s progress. Discipline can be both an instruction and a measurement of children’s behavior. What grade would you give your child in hygiene, social ability, responsibility, etc.? What rewards (physical or verbal) are given for “A” grades? Are parent-child conferences held to discuss strengths and weaknesses and make a plan for improvement? Do children get regular feedback from parents on how they are doing at home?
Teachers are in charge of the classroom and model appropriate behavior. Discipline is most effective when parents remember that they are the leaders of the home and “practice what they preach.” Are you firm and consistent in your discipline with your children? Do you model appropriate behavior for your children? Do you give the things, to your children, that you ask for, from your children, such as respect? Do you say what you mean rather than threaten or bribe children? Do you have a list of rules posted where children can see them? Do you allow children to “raise their hands” and ask questions? Do you listen attentively to those questions and give an appropriate answer?
Children are given opportunities to explore and understand the world and themselves. Discipline is about internal control and not just external control. Do you give your child choices that require him or her to think about consequence? Are children recognized for behaving in an appropriate manner? Are there any “field trips” that children go on to inspire, instruct, or experience appropriate behavior? Are children give opportunities to act in a responsible and trustworthy manner? Are children encouraged to help their siblings and work as teams? Are there any parties for celebrating hard work?
Classrooms have rules that children must follow. Are their assigned seats at the dinner table or car? Are there any rules about waiting, talking, and seeking help? Do children get to “line up first” or “pass out the snacks” for exemplary behaviors? Are consequences given for inappropriate behaviors? Do children get warnings about misbehavior? Do children get to go to recess when they misbehave? Are the rules discussed with the children, posted where everyone can see them, and frequently reviewed?
Schools have recesses, school holidays, and summer breaks. Discipline is about doing nothing as much as it is about doing something. Do you allow your child to make mistakes and decide difficult (but not dangerous) situations on their own? Are there healthy balances between fun and chores, rest and responsibilities, work-time and playtime? Do you allow your child to simply be a child? Are developmental expectations appropriate to the age and abilities of your child? Do you allow yourself to be off-duty by having other adults to watch over your children? Are plans made, in family meetings, for fun as a family? Is quality time a regular part of your time with your children?
Novel Situations
While this may not cover all aspects of school routines or discipline practices, it does ask some very reflective questions. It is possible we missed the most basic reason for children’s different behaviors, namely, novel situations and conditional love. Novel situations refer to a phenomenon that affects a child’s behavior when in a new environment. A new environment is unpredictable and may require a child to be on his or her best behavior until the child learns what the rules and consequences are or what they can get away with. Home is often predictable. The child already knows what they can or cannot get away with.
Conditional vs Unconditional Love
Conditional love refers to the communication of worth a child will get from another individual based on their behavior. A teacher may only consider certain behaviors to be worthy of his or her love and care. At the root, this is a good strategy. It advocates reinforcing only positive behaviors and ignoring negative behavior but the long-term fruit can have devastating consequences for children’s self-esteem. A child’s sense of self should never be based on conditions. A child is worthy of love, dignity, and worth regardless of what they do. Reinforcement and even approval can be placed on a child’s behavior to communicate what is appropriate or inappropriate. A child may not feel this conditional love at home, knowing that mom will always love him or her and so manipulate this to their advantage.
Take a few moments to review these questions. If you are one of those parents who has said, “My child never behaves this way at school?” maybe now, you can finally find out why, and be able to say your child behaves appropriately at home as well as school.
> Get more tools for the job of parenting with an online consult. Contact Ron today at rehuxley@gmail.com for more information…
Ron Huxley LMFT 