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Ron’s Reading: Keep Your Love On: Connection Communication And Boundaries
by Danny Silk
One of the most common aggravations experienced by parents is the “power struggle”. It usually happens when the parent has to get to work or needs to finish dinner or help the child with their homework. Right in the middle of this urgent time, the child decides to exercise their will and demand a treat or refuse to put on their shoes or wants to argue about some topic they really don’t know anything about. Regardless of the circumstance, the outcome is two yelling, arguing, snorting, bug-eyed people who just want the other person to do what they want them to do. No fun for anyone!
Why does this happen so often in families? Danny Silk is one of my favorite authors and I recommend his books to many of the parents I work with in family therapy or parenting workshops. In his book: “Keeping Your Love On: Connections, Communication & Boundaries” he shares how a family is a group of powerful people who are trying to learn how to live in powerful ways. He writes: “If you heard someone described as a powerful person, you might assume he or she would be the loudest person in the room, the one telling everyone else what to do. But powerful does not mean dominating. In fact, a controlling, dominating person is the very opposite of a powerful person. Powerful people do not try to control other people. They know it doesn’t work, and it’s not their job. Their job is to control themselves.”
The trick, for parents, is not to demand respect but to create a respectful environment where non-respect, talking back and control simple can’t exist. Their just isn’t enough oxygen for those negative elements to survive. Learning how to be a powerful and responsible person is one of the most important tasks of parenting.
You can get more information (and read along with me) on Danny’s book here: Keep Your Love On: Connection Communication And Boundaries
(affiliate link).
What else is Ron reading? Click here to see…
Attitude Awards for Your Children
by Ron Huxley, LMFT
Have you ever received an award for “outstanding achievement” or completion of some difficult task or milestone? How did it feel to get that award? Did you place it proudly in your home or office where you and everyone else could see it?
Your children like to get awards too. Trophy’s, certificates, ribbons, and cards can create personal satisfaction. They reinforce our sense of uniqueness and give attention to our gifts and talents and hard work. Try giving your child an award for good attitude. This isn’t for cleaning their room or getting an A on a test. That is a good time for an award as well but attitude awards focus more on the inner qualities that you want to see more of in your children. Giving an unexpected award for goodwill, kindness, generosity, teamwork and other character traits will bring those qualities to the forefront more often. Your child might not be the kindest person in the family. All the more reason to give them a award for any effort in this direction. Anything attitude and behavior you reinforce in a child will reproduce in their life and anything you ignore will decrease. Be sure to use sincerity and surprise to make the award more impactful.
Bossy Children
by Ron Huxley, LMFT
Are you tired of power struggling with your children? Do they believe they are the parent and boss their siblings around (and maybe you too)? Many children have a natural leadership tendency that need parents to direct in a healthy, non-annoying direction.
Try playing a game I call “Follow the Leader” to create more democratic relationships. Invite children to take turns leading the way or overseeing an activity to give them more focused leadership skills and then allowing the natural, low energy followers a chance to be in charge. If you are taking a walk around the block or going into the store, have one child direct the rest of the group or spice it up and have them walk in a “funny way” that everyone has to emulate. It’s goofy but it will reign in those high energy children by making a daily challenge fun. Perhaps the leader can choose a song to sing in the car on the way to school or pick the board game for the night. Choose a day of the week that each child gets to pick out the book for bed time or the desert after dinner. After a while each child will know what day is there day and the group will manage itself (instead of mom or dad playing mediator). Even the quiet ones will assert: “This is my day to pick, not yours.” As the parent, you can also state: “This is your sisters day to pick the desert. Your day is tomorrow.” This will provide more parenting power. The game/rule/day will be the bad guy, not you. It is easy to argue with you and hard to argue with the “rule.” It also eliminates the dreaded “because I said so” statements. No one wins with that statement!
Strong willed children will still want to dominate but you have to set a new, fairer precedent that allows everyone a chance to pick, talk, control. As the parent, you guide your children with this game/parenting style and step out of the emotional tug-o-war. Use this tactic whenever the bossy child starts to become the dictator. Be creative with the game. Short cycles taking turns might be necessary to prevent meltdowns and don’t let those low energy children give up their turn to the more dominant ones. It is easy for natural followers to let others take charge but they need to be empowered too!
Dream Parenting: Act/React or Act/Counteract?
Parenting can be considered a dance where two people, one big and one little, move in response to one another. Usually, there is one person in the lead and one person who follows. In families, it can be unclear who is leading. At times it is alright if a child leads but in the long run, parents must be in charge if the family is going to get the most out of their relationships. In order to do this, parents may need to redefine how they choose their dance steps.
Try this new step: Instead of act vs react, try act vs counter act. Parents tend to react toward a child’s mis-reaction and this almost always ends in frustrated dancers. Don’t react to a child’s actions. Plan a counter action. Problems are predictable in that they will come up day after day after day. If what you tried to do (react) today doesn’t work, you can plan a counter act for tomorrow because the problem will be ready for you again. Parents can have a lot of practice with their new steps until it feels comfortable and natural.
Parents don’t like the idea of act vs counter act because it sounds like a lot of work. It can be but it isn’t as frustrating as dancing the steps of act vs reaction. Parents will dislike that outcome even more. The key to dancing successfully is to be consistent with your counter action to your child’s action. Don’t fall back into the reaction with yelling, threatening or giving in. Try questioning, letting natural consequences be there own teacher or redirecting the child’s misbehaviors. There are many ideas available for counter action. Be creative. Do the opposite of what you usually do. Let the other parent cut in and take the lead in the dance when on is too tired. Sing your request, say nothing at all or whisper instead of lecturing. Do time in instead of time out. Or, just go walk the dog.
Stepparenting can be tough. Stepparents frequently report feeling confused about their role, displaced from their spouse when the stepchild is around, helpless to change the situation, and guilty because they know that God is expecting them to love their stepchildren, even though they sometimes don’t.
Finding an effective stepparent role is a challenge—you must persevere to find success. Here are some practical tips for the journey.
Relationship Building Tips for Stepparents
Play! Having fun is a great way to connect.
Track with them. Know what activities a child is engaged in and enter that world. Take them to practice, ask about an activity, and take interest in their interests.
Share your talents, skills, and hobbies.
Communicate your commitment. Let the child know you value and want a relationship with them.Share the Lord and your walk. Shared spirituality can facilitate connection and a sense of family identity, but don’t be preachy. Instead share with humility your faith journey so they will experience you as a safe person.
The cardinal rule for stepparent-stepchild relationships is this: Let the children set the pace for their relationship with you. For example, if your stepchildren are open to physical affection from you, don’t leave them disappointed. If they remain aloof and cautious, respect their boundaries. As time brings you together, slowly increase your personal involvement and affections.
It’s important that stepparents not consider themselves failures if they do not form deep emotional bonds with every child.
The length of time required to move into this role depends on multiple factors, most of which are beyond the stepparent’s control. Enjoy the relationship you have now and trust that investments made over time will increase affection and respect.
Do’s and Don’s for Stepparents
Early on biological parents must pass power to stepparents so that children understand that stepparents are not acting on their own authority
Parents and stepparents negotiate rulestogether behind closed doors and seek unity in leading the family. The biological parent then communicates the rules to the children with the stepparent’s support.
Stepfamilies, where both parents bring children to the stepfamily, still negotiate rules together, but each takes the lead role with their own children.
Over time as emotional bonds with stepchildren deepen, stepparents can become more authoritative and shows of affection can become more common.
Don’t be harsh or punish in a way inconsistent with the biological parent. This tends to polarize parents and create marital discord.
Do focus on relationship building with each child. This is your long-term strength as a parent-figure.
Source: Youversion.com
Adults who are securely attached put a high value on relationships and are objective regarding their own thoughts and emotions. They don’t all have trouble-free childhoods but they have and are working through past issues. The have learned to effectively communicate with others and are working to forgive and have more compassion in life. They are creators of a new generation of secure people. #secureparenting #parentingtoolbox
One of parents main goals is to improve communication in the home. Unfortunately, what they really mean is they want the child to “listen” to them and cooperate with their “instructions.” Communication is two-way. It requires parents to listen as well as be listened to. More importantly, parents cannot judge or shame a child’s efforts to communicate when they express their opinions. Either you value communication or your don’t. Back up your values with your actions. The good news is that communication doesn’t need to be learned. It needs to be protected. If parents will allow their children to talk and feel heard then they will talk more. If parents allow conversation to be two-sided and value their children’s thoughts, even if is immature and irrational, then parents will have the opportunity to “speak into” their child’s life. Don’t waste time lecturing, criticizing or showing children the error of their thoughts. That shuts down communication FAST! Try this talk tool the next time your child opens up. Say: “That is interesting. Tell me more!” and just listen…
Take the 10 Day Parenting Challenge…
Are you the type of parent you thought you would be or are you everything you said you would NEVER be?
Are you wanting to be a better parent starting immediately?
Parenting can be hard and is often full of disappointments but it is never TOO LATE to transform yourself and your children into the family you dreamed you would be.
If you are serious about wanting to make some big changes in your family relationships, take our 10 Day Challenge by following the steps listed below. Post your successes and difficulties on our Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/parentingtoolbox to get more support and success tips along the way.
SPECIAL NOTE: The power of the 10 days comes from its “additive value.“ Every day builds on the next. You don’t just do day 1 and never do it again. You have to keep doing day one for ten days (and perhaps longer) while adding day 2 and then day three, etc. By day 10 you will be doing 55 power parenting tools. YES, I said 55 new tools that will repair and restore your family relationships. If you are really serious about better parenting, start your challenge TODAY!!!
Day 1: Take Inventory.
What is your biggest strength as a parent? What is your biggest weakness? This isn’t a time for denial to rear its ugly defenses. Be honest. What is your best plus or minus when it comes to parenting? Perhaps you don’t like your child. If that is it, admit it. Perhaps you are a horrible cook. Time for the truth, because the truth, as they say, will set you free. Be honest about your strengths too. Don’t minimize them…blow them up. You will need this strength to get you through the days ahead. What do you love more than anything else about what you do as a parent or how you do it? Love crafts, snuggle time, early mornings, weekend walks, trips to the park, reading stories together? Capitalize on these positive resources to meet the challenges ahead.
Remember, you will do this inventory of your most positive and negative qualities, behaviors, moments over the next 10 days…it gets easier fortunately.
Extra tip: Get a notebook or diary and put a ”-“ or ”+“ and list a quality or behavior over the next 10 days to evaluate your ups and downs. This will give you more insights that will help you move forward.
Day 2: Do more of what works.
Based on what you answered for day 1, do more of the positive thing you listed for yourself. Do it daily, even hourly if you can. Build up some energy and good vibrations with this power parenting tool. Conversely, do less of the negative thing you identified. Simple right?
Give yourself some grace here…You won’t be perfect. You might still yell at your child when they leave the towel on the bathroom floor. Just start over doing it less and more of what works for you. If you hate cooking, it’s not really feasible to stop cooking and eat out every meal, right? What foods are less challenging to prepare or how can you combine what you love to do when you are doing what you hate to do. Setting limits and sticking to them is hard for you? Keep practicing it daily, hourly, etc. You get the drill, yes?
Day 3: Find an audience of appreciation.
Who can you talk to share your successes and your struggles? Who will applaud you when you have a good day and hug you when you don’t? You need an audience that is nonjudgmental and emphatic Not many of parents have this in their lives currently. You may have to look long and hard for this person(s) but don’t give up on this exercise. It is important. Call this person daily and tell them what you did great, no matter how small. Let them be your cheerleader. In turn, you can be there’s. This isn’t necessarily a time for confession however. Just state it factually. Tell each other it will get better and in the spirit of most recovery programs, fake it till you make it.”
Are you doing the power parenting tools from the days previously that you already learned? Do ever parent tool and add to your tool belt over the total 10 days!
Day 4: Use Empathy.
Empathy is defined as the perception of being deeply understood by another. It is a “felt" sense that can be conveyed in words, no words, or just a grunt. Really! It is the under carriage of all attachment-based parenting and (sadly) one of the things most traditional parents rarely convey to their children. Spend an entire day just being empathic. Say things like “that is so sad" when you child complains and try to make it sound real 🙂 Look at the situation from their perspective and voice that feeling. You don’t have to agree with it. You may still make them eat their vegetables but you can certainly understand their dislike of them.
This can be one of the hardest parenting tools in this challenge. We don’t realize how often we judge, lecture or dismiss our children’s feelings. As a child therapist with over 20 years’ experience, 80% of parenting is emotion-based. This is how we model appropriate social/emotional behavior that will ultimately make your child a success in life. It is more powerful than IQ scores. Truly!
Observe how your child’s behavior change after one one example, one day, one week.. What did you learn about yourself?
Day 5: Plan.
Most of the problems that will come up today with your family also came up yesterday and probably the day before that and the day before that…get my point? Problems are predictable. That is to your advantage because now you can plan to manage the problems in a new way today. If today doesn’t work on the problems, you can plan for something new tomorrow and so on.
The nice thing is that you can DO ANYTHING DIFFERENT so long as it isn’t abusive or mean and you will problem make a significant change in your family member. Getting stuck if your worst enemy here. Innovation and novelty is your parenting toolbox friend.
Are you still using the previous days parenting tools? Are you sharing your progress with us on Facebook? Go now to share at http://www.facebook.com/parentingtoolbox
Day 6: Have a Routine.
I don’t care how old the child is, everyone needs structure. This is a basic element of parenting. You don’t have to post a daily to-do list but you can. You don’t have to set the timer for bath time but you can. You don’t need to have a large whiteboard with everyone chores listed but it might be a good idea. Children who have a structure feel more secure and safe. A secure child is better behaved. A behaved child makes for a happy home. Routines can be negotiated and relaxed as they get older but some form of schedule is always a necessary part of home life.
Day 7: Games are more fun!
It doesn’t take long for the little people to realize that work is not fun. Helping dad sweep the sidewalk was fun when they were younger but now it is torture. Anything that you can do to make an activity a game will increase your child’s cooperation. Challenge is an important part of parenting and life. Everyone needs it to stay motivated and happy.
You can take turns being the leader as you walk to bath time. See you can be the first one to fold the towels. Who can shoot their garbage into the bin? How high can you get the leaves raked into pile? Add incentives by offering praise at the end of a chore challenge and always give lots of admiration for technique, flair and creativity.
Of course, sometimes this backfires or older children get wise to the tactic but if you do this often enough in small ways, so it doesn’t seem so obvious, even teenagers will be more engaging with you.
Day 8: Use Leverage.
It doesn’t take long after the first child is born that mom and dad realized they are out-matched. How is that two adults can be so exhausted and the child is just getting his second wind at 11 pm! It gets worse when you have a second or third child trust me. My wife and I raised four children. How nuts were we…ha.
It is better if you accept the fact that you will be out-gunned, out-numbered, and out-smarted by the little people in the home. When you let go of the need to be perfect and have it all together or be faster, smarter, stronger, you will have much more fun as a parent. This doesn’t imply that parents stop being in charge.
Once you recognize you are out-numbered, you will have to start looking for special ways in which you can retain some leverage. Leverage is the ace card when negotiating with children. This is especially true for teenagers although negotiation happens a lot earlier than that. Many parents feel they have no leverage; therefore they can’t get their child to do anything they don’t want to do. The reality is that our children, in our society, have way too much entitlement.
You may have to feed them dinner but it doesn’t have to be fancy. You may have to take them to school but you don’t have to go to the Mall afterwards. You may have to clothe them but you don’t have to buy the expensive stuff. The thrift store has lots of decent items ready to be taken home and loved (again). In the real world, we all have to negotiate with other people to get what we need and want in life. Teach them in a calm and respectful way what it means to have to learn to scratch each other’s backs. I will scratch yours if you will scratch mine. They want something other than tuna salad for dinner. You want a clean bedroom. They want the more expensive shoes, you want a week of no homework battles. Everyone wins!
Day 9: Give Yourself a Cool Title.
The word “parenting" simply defined means to care for or raise a child. BORING! Try something with a little more pizazz like “Mom of Magical Moments" or “Household President" (but please no “dictator" titles) or “Conductor of Strategic Developmental Experiences" or how about “Captain of WOWness" or “Impresario of Daily Routines". Anything that puts a little smile on your lips when you child can’t find his shoes in the morning will make the situation more endurable.
Playfully, insist your family call you by your new title. In fact, they might want a new title too. Come up with one and imagine how someone with these titles might act toward one another and what they family as a whole might be or do with this fantastic new descriptors. Maybe this won’t help you be a better parent but you will feel like one.
Keep practicing all the earlier tools you learned today too.
Day 10: Take a Break.
Even the toughest marathon running mom will be worn out managing all the responsibilities of parenting. Get into the practice of taking time for you so you have more time and energy for your family. It could be an hour of quiet meditation after the children go off to school or it could be a night out with your partner while the children are with a babysitter. It could be taking turns sleeping in on the weekend while someone else makes breakfast for the kiddo’s. Taking time away to work or get your tooth crowned isn’t the point. This should be something specifically for you like starting a yoga class, reading a novel, gardening, taking a music lesson, personal shopping, having a sugary coffee drink with a friend. You will be amazed how much more energy you have for your family when you do this consistently.
Share your successes and your struggles on our Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/parentingtoolbox
Ron Huxley LMFT 