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It is unfortunate how people make a mistake and then believe that they are a mistake. Our behaviors are not our identity. Making mistakes simply means that you are human. There is no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect child. You are a professional mistake maker.
The challenge comes from learning from our mistakes so we can minimize them in our lives and possibly, grow stronger from that process.
Parenting Action Thought: What mistakes have your made lately? What can you learn from this mistake? What can you do differently next time to avoid it from happening in that same way?
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By Ron Huxley, LMFT
How you feel about yourself as a parent has a lot to do with how you talk to yourself. I’m not inferring that you have mental disorder or that you hear voices. I often tease friends and family members when I catch them talking to themselves if they are answering themselves too. Everyone talks to themselves with little awareness of it. Self-talk is automatic and carried out repeatedly through the waking hours. Hidden behind parents self-talk are their thoughts which are rational and
irrational. Rational thoughts create positive, realistic feelings and behaviors. Irrational thoughts create negative, unrealistic feelings and behaviors.
Most parents assume that events around them produce these feelings. You can see examples of this in young children who say, “You make me angry!” The reality is that events cannot make you feel anything. Situations can
be stressful but they cannot dictate our emotions. Take, for example, the parent who becomes angry at her children for running around the grocery store while another parent just brushes it off as “having too
much energy” with no feelings of anger. Regardless of whether children should be running around the store, attitudes determine parents emotional and behavioral reactions.
These thoughts get expressed in our self-talk which, in turn, reinforce our thinking. Changing our thoughts, and by that some of our negative feelings and behaviors, can be as easy as changing what parents say to themselves. By easy, I mean, they can be consciously controlled. Like anything, parents must make them a regular part of their daily routine till positive self-talk comes naturally.
Some examples of negative self-talk would be:
“I am a mean mother.”
“I never get a moment to my self.”
“Everyone takes, takes, takes and no one gives to me.”
In contrast, some examples of positive self-talk would be:
“I sometimes make mistakes but I always try to be the best mom I can be.”
“I deserve to take some time for my self and not feel guilty.”
“Children need to learn boundaries and respect.”
“Although it is nice to be appreciated, I do not have to have the approval of my family to feel good.”
The first examples overgeneralized and focused on the negative part of parenting. It is easy to focus on the problems. Finding solutions and positive reframes of the parenting job is much harder. To help, parents
can make a self-talk plan.
A self-talk plan empowers parents to look at the positive aspects of parenting or view it in a new light. Parents can identify several situations which usually produce negative or distressing feelings. Next, parents can identify their automatic thoughts and feelings about those situations by listening to what they say to themselves. And finally,
parents can create more positive ways of talking to themselves about those situations. Here is an example:
1. Children walk through the house with dirty shoes (distressing situations).
2. My kids have no respect for me or how hard I work around here (automatic thought).
3. I know how hard I have worked and I need to provide consequences for walking through the
house with dirty shoes (positive reframe).
Every time a parent starts to feel those negative emotions bubbling up, they must stop immediately and evaluate what they were just saying to themselves before
the emotions started. Most of the time this will be the self-talk that needs changing. Here are some more positive self-talk statements:
“I am a good parent.”
“I do the best I can.”
“I may make mistakes but that does not determine my worth.”
“It is O.K. if I feel frustrated or anxious. Emotions will pass as quickly as they come.”
“I am not helpless. I have people and resources to call upon if I need to.”
“This is an opportunity to teach my children about life and not ‘the end.’”
“I just need to take one step at a time and everything that can be done will be.”
“I can stay calm when my family members are being difficult.”
“I can get my child’s cooperation without having to threaten or yell.”
“He/she is responsible for their actions and feelings, not me.”
“In the long run, who will remember anyway.”
“In the big scheme of things, this is really a very small matter.”
“Other people’s opinions are not important to me.”
“I do not need other people’s approval to feel good about myself.”
“I won’t put pressure on my self to be the perfect parent.”
“I will not make assumptions about my families actions. I will ask them directly.”
“I will not react, but act on problems with my children.”
“I can still enjoy life, even if it is hard.”
“I will respect others even if they do not show me respect.”
“I do not have to be abused or mistreated. I can change my life to be more satisfying.”
In addition to using these self-talk statements, read books like “Don’t sweat the small stuff. It is all small stuff" and others that encourage positive affirmations. Daily reading materials, spiritual texts and devotionals, and songs can also change what you say to yourself so that you can change your parenting experience.
By Ron Huxley, LMFT
I recently picked up my copy of Tim Ferriss book “The Four-Hour Chef.” The author has been listed as one of Fast Company’s “Most Innovative Business People of 2007”, Forbes Magazine’s “Names You Need to Know in 2011,” and the wildly successful author of “The Four-Hour Work Week” and “The Four-Hour Body”. Although “The Four-Hour Chef” sounds like another cook book, it is far more than that. It spells out the recipe for how to learn any skill, regardless of your age or how hard the task. The book’s subtitle is “Learning anything, and living the good life.” Who doesn’t want more of that?
The premise behind the Four-Hour Ethos is help you have more control over your own life by doing more of what you enjoy and less of what you don’t. In the example of cooking, many of us love to cook (and eat, of course) but few of us love to shop for the food, do all the prep work or clean up after. Tim Feriss uses the metaphor of cooking to describe his step-by-step process of “meta-learning”. That’s the real recipe for parents.
His idea of meta-learning refers to the Zen concept: “before you can learn to cook, you must learn to learn.” I think this has a lot of relevance for parents who need to learn how to learn before they learn to parent. Parenting education has been around for some time. You can read attend classes, read books, search the internet, watch programs, and listen to podcasts. There is plenty of parenting information out there but still we strive for more. Or are we striving for the “recipe”? Are we looking for that secret ingredient on how to get a teen to do their homework or stop an ongoing sibling rivalry? Perhaps what really need is to first learn how to learn to be a parent.
One step toward this meta-parenting-learning skill is to ask ourselves: “What is one parenting skill I would like to master today or perhaps, one skill I have given up hope of learning with my children?” Ferriss would then suggest we deconstruct this skill to its simple components and reapplies the laws of learning to truly become its master.
Ferriss describe a deconstruction tool to help us called the 80/20 Principle. This is also known as Pareto’s principle or the law of the vital few and it states that roughly 80% of the effects of an event come from just 20% of the causes. Taking cleaning up the house: 80% of the work is done by 20% of the people, probably mom. This applies to other areas of life, such as, 80% of the sales of a business comes from 20% of the clients. Or, 80% of the world’s wealth is owned by 20% of the people.
This economic principle works well in many parenting situations and I have used it for years to describe how 80% of the parenting issues that come up in my consulting office can be answered by 20% of my parenting tools. Most parents have similar struggles: getting homework done or picking up after themselves or talking back or putting their feet on the furniture. There are typical problems that come up by developmental stages. Two year olds and teens are defiant. Five year olds have short attention spans, etc. It is the other 20% that is creates the big challenges and creative solutions. Dealing with a divorce or say, stealing items from a store. These are more serious issues really only occurs 20% of the time but make up 80% of my clientele. Who needs to see a child therapist for not picking up the dog poop or some other chore, really?
As a personal example, I have four adult children and two grandchildren and the skill I would like to master is how to maintain on-going communication with them spread out over various states. I want to do this in a way that feels warm and fuzzy despite the distance. Applying Pareto’s principle to my communication issue, I realized that regularly scheduled phone calls and text messages (20% effort) could result in my perceived sense of connection (80% effect). I also started being more diligent about traveling two hours away to my grandson’s early Saturday morning baseball games. It was a drive and there was a cost of gasoline but the level of connection and my parenting needs were met with this minimal effort once a month.
This was a useful parenting tool with my clients as well. Ten minutes of one-on-one contact in the morning before school and ten minutes on getting home from school dramatically improved many families gauge of the amount of respect and cooperation. Sibling fights and morning tantrums decreased as well. It would seem that there isn’t an extra ten minutes in the morning routine to give to a child but really, how long were those tantrums occurring? How long does it take to make a U-turn back to the house to get the forgotten lunch or homework sitting on the kitchen table? A lot longer than the ten minutes it took to have some one-on-one. And parents and children felt so much more connected all day long.
Another way of getting at this core parenting skills is to ask yourself if I only had 20 minutes to spend with my child each day – you couldn’t see or interact with them at any other time during the day – how would I best spend that time? Do more of that parenting behavior and witness the 80% effect from that minimal parenting activity. I am just guessing but that 20 minutes would be spent doing laundry or watching television together.
Parenting Action Plan:
Take a few moments and ask yourselves these questions above. Start focusing on how to better manage your time with your child this next week. Start deconstructing what makes up the core elements of your parenting day and concentrate on the main ingredients behind what really makes a good family recipe. It is different for everyone so don’t look at the neighbor parenting activities. Start with works for you. Let us know how it goes by leaving a comment or sharing on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/parentingtoolbox
Take are 10 Day Parenting Challenge to build even more skills at home by clicking here http://parentingtoolbox.tumblr.com/10DayChallenge
Child abuse is a persistent problem in this country. Research published in February in Pediatrics found that child abuse kills 300 kids under 18 each year and accounts for 58.2 hospitalizations of babies per 100,000 births — more than the annual rate of SIDS. Another recent study made the case that child abuse sets the stage for future mental illness.
For a pediatrician, it can be dicey sussing out whether a child came by a broken bone or a bruise naturally or whether the injury was inflicted by an adult. As of 2009, there is an entirely new specialty devoted to making those types of assessments: the board-certified child abuse pediatrician, who focuses on identifying child maltreatment and neglect.
What does this saying mean to you as a parent? How does it inspire us in our parenting ideas and methods? Share here or at http://www.facebook.com/parentingtoolbox
The new parenting lingo ranges from the serious to the ridiculous. Picture: Supplied Source: National Features
MEET the new types of mums and dads and see if you recognise anyone.
With the ever-growing pile of parenting resources and information out there, mums and dads may need to wrap their heads around the latest lingo, some serious, others not.
+ Authoritarian vs authoritative styles
There may be just a few letters separating these parenting styles, but they are worlds apart. Authoritarian parents are all about strict discipline and following rigid rules with punitive consequences for bad behaviour. Authoritative parents have a loving, democratic style with strong but flexible boundaries and fair, consistent and understandable discipline.
+ Attachment parenting
This is in vogue again since the recent Time magazine cover of a woman defiantly breastfeeding her three-year-old. In general terms, this is a parenting philosophy involving babywearing (see below), long-term breastfeeding, co-sleeping and immediate responses to a child’s needs.
+ Babywearing
It may sound like an odd fashion trend, but according to Babywearing International, the term simply means holding or carrying a baby or young child close to the body using a cloth baby carrier. Essentially it is a form of baby transport which, supporters claim, has psychological benefits for parent and bub.
+ Cotton wool kids
Also called “bubble wrap kids”, these over-protected offspring are usually raised by helicopter parents (see below). At the opposite end of the scale are the “free-range kids”, who are given the tools and skills by their parents to become independent and solve their own problems.
+ Elimination communication
This is a term for a toilet-training practice which can start from birth. Basically, a parent uses timing, signals, cues and intuition to know when their child is about to poo or wee, thus eliminating the need for nappies.
+ Helicopter parenting
These are parents who “hover” around their kids, protecting them from real and imagined problems and dangers. They share similar principles with the “lawnmower” parents, who mow down all obstacles in their progeny’s path.
+ Parental presence
This is a fairly new term, coined by NSW parent education organisations Karitane and Tresillian. It involves a parent sleeping with their baby until the child learns to self-settle at bedtime and during the night.
+ Slow parenting
This is a bit like free-range parenting (see above left) except even more pared down. This style encourages less structure and organised activities for kids, allowing them to explore the world at their own pace. TV is a big no-no.
+ TTC
Once just an acronym used in parenting forums, it now seems to have crept into the spoken language in childcare and preschool car parks. It stands for “trying to conceive”.
And the top terms are…
A 2011 poll of 2000 UK parents came up with a list of new parenting terms.
+ Dummy mummy: A woman who loses the ability to talk about anything other than babies after giving birth. Also said to be suffering from “pramnesia”.
+ Dadmin: Domestic tasks particularly suited to fathers.
+ Pump and dump: When mums express breast milk in preparation for a big night out.
+ Baby Gaga: A little show-off, or child performing prodigy.
What words would you add to this list? Share…
Ron Huxley LMFT 