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Why Are Some People Happier Than Others?

Happiness Quiz:

For each statement, rate how strongly you agree or disagree on a scale of 1-5:
1 = Strongly Disagree
2 = Disagree
3 = Neutral
4 = Agree
5 = Strongly Agree

  1. I feel satisfied with my life overall.
    1 2 3 4 5
  2. I frequently experience positive emotions like joy, gratitude, and contentment.
    1 2 3 4 5
  3. I have close, supportive relationships that bring me happiness.
    1 2 3 4 5
  4. I am engaged in activities that give me a sense of meaning and purpose.
    1 2 3 4 5
  5. I am generally able to stay present and appreciate the current moment.
    1 2 3 4 5
  6. I actively practice gratitude and look for the positive in life.
    1 2 3 4 5
  7. I make time for self-care activities that are important for my well-being.
    1 2 3 4 5
  8. I am resilient and able to bounce back from difficult situations.
    1 2 3 4 5
  9. I feel inspired and motivated to pursue my goals.
    1 2 3 4 5
  10. I have a general sense of peace and life satisfaction.
    1 2 3 4 5

Scoring:
40-50 Points: You have a very high level of happiness! You embrace positivity and well-being.
30-39 Points: You have an above-average level of happiness and life satisfaction.
20-29 Points: Your happiness level is moderate. There are some areas you could work on.
10-19 Points: Your happiness level is below average. Focusing on key areas could increase well-being.
Below 10 Points: Your happiness level is very low. Seeking help from a professional may be beneficial.

This quiz covers key factors like life satisfaction, positive emotions, relationships, meaning, mindfulness, gratitude, self-care, resilience, motivation, and overall peace. While just a snapshot, it can provide insight into your general happiness level and areas to cultivate more well-being.

The question is why are some people happier than others?

Happiness is a universal human desire, yet some people seem to enjoy life with a more perpetual positive outlook than others. While life circumstances certainly play a role, research shows there are some key reasons why certain individuals can cultivate greater happiness.

It’s In Their Genes

Studies suggest that genetics account for approximately 50% of the variation in human happiness levels.[1] Some people’s “set ranges” for happiness are simply higher based on their DNA and brain chemistry related to the production and reception of neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin.[2]

They Nurture Relationships

Having strong social ties is one of the greatest predictors of happiness. People who prioritize close relationships with family and friends and actively work on nurturing those bonds tend to be happier.[1][3] Humans are social creatures who thrive through connection.

They Find Purpose

A deep sense of meaning and purpose in life is associated with greater well-being and happiness. Those who pursue goals, causes or beliefs that are greater than themselves tend to lead more satisfied lives.[1][4] Having a “why” to work towards provides motivation.

They Practice Gratitude

Making a conscious effort to appreciate the positive aspects of life, no matter how small can boost happiness levels. Happier people make gratitude a habit by keeping gratitude journals, savoring positive experiences, and avoiding taking things for granted.[3]

They Live in the Present

Rather than dwelling on the past or worrying about the future, happier individuals have a greater tendency to stay focused on the present moment. This mindful presence allows them to fully experience and appreciate the current circumstances.[3]

They Take Care of Themselves

Self-care isn’t selfish – it’s essential for well-being. Happier people prioritize their physical and mental health through exercise, nutrition, sleep, stress management, and doing activities they enjoy.[1][4] Caring for oneself provides resilience.

While happiness levels have a genetic baseline, there are absolutely habits and perspectives that can be cultivated to increase life satisfaction. By nurturing relationships, finding meaning, practicing gratitude, being present, and caring for themselves, some people can experience more frequent and lasting happiness.

Sources:
[1] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/happiness/the-science-happiness
[2] https://www.ipsos.com/en/global-happiness-survey-march-2022
[3] https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/20-reasons-why-some-people-are-always-happy.html
[4] https://study.com/learn/lesson/what-makes-people-happy-research-causes-of-happiness.html
[5] https://www.purdue.edu/stepstoleaps/new/featured/well-being-tips/2021/2021_0308.php

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25 Coping Skills for Children with a Highly Sensitive Nervous System

Here are 25 tools for a coping skills toolbox that can be helpful for a child in managing their emotions and coping with challenging situations:

  1. Stress Ball: A squeezable stress ball can help the child release tension and reduce anxiety.
  2. Breathing Exercises: Include a visual guide or a simple breathing exercise card to help the child practice deep breathing techniques.
  3. Fidget Toys: Small, quiet fidget toys like spinners, cubes, or putty can provide sensory stimulation and promote focus.
  4. Sensory Bottle: Create a sensory bottle filled with glitter, beads, or calming colors for the child to shake and observe when feeling overwhelmed.
  5. Positive Affirmation Cards: Include a set of cards with positive affirmations and encouraging messages for the child to read or recite.
  6. Sensory Brush: A soft sensory brush can be used for gentle tactile stimulation to help regulate the child’s sensory experiences.
  7. Calm-Down Corner Sign: Designate a sign or visual cue for the child’s calm-down corner, signaling a safe space for retreat.
  8. Feelings Journal: Provide a personalized journal for the child to express and reflect on their emotions through writing or drawing.
  9. Noise-canceling Headphones: Noise-cancelling headphones can help the child reduce sensory overload in noisy environments.
  10. Sensory Putty: Offer sensory putty or clay for the child to manipulate and engage in tactile play.
  11. Guided Imagery Recordings: Include audio recordings of guided imagery or relaxation exercises for the child to listen to when needed.
  12. Visual Timers: Use a visual timer to help the child understand and manage time, particularly during transitions or waiting periods.
  13. Comfort Object: Encourage the child to include a comfort object, such as a favorite stuffed animal or blanket, for reassurance.
  14. Coloring Sheets: Provide coloring sheets and colored pencils for the child to engage in calming, creative activities.
  15. Coping Skills Board Game: Introduce a coping skills board game that the child can play to learn and practice different coping strategies.
  16. Sensory Socks or Gloves: Soft, textured socks or gloves can provide comforting tactile input for the child.
  17. Coping Skills Workbook: Include a coping skills workbook with activities and exercises tailored to the child’s needs and interests.
  18. Mindfulness Bell: A small bell or chime can be used as a mindfulness cue for the child to pause and focus on the present moment.
  19. Sensory Chew Necklace: Provide a safe, chewable necklace for the child to use as a sensory tool for oral stimulation.
  20. Nature Sounds Playlist: Curate a playlist of nature sounds or soothing music for the child to listen to for relaxation.
  21. Emotion Cards: Use cards with various emotions depicted to help the child identify and express how they are feeling.
  22. Sensory Tactile Cards: Create tactile cards with different textures for the child to touch and explore when seeking sensory input.
  23. Coping Skills Puzzles: Include puzzles that showcase coping skills or positive affirmations for the child to assemble.
  24. Sensory Bubble Timer: Provide a sensory bubble timer for the child to watch as a calming visual sensory tool.
  25. Coping Skills Journal Prompts: Develop a list of journal prompts to inspire the child to explore their emotions and coping strategies.

These tools can be tailored to the child’s preferences and individual needs, providing a diverse array of options for managing emotions and promoting self-regulation. The coping skills toolbox serves as a resource for the child to access when they need support in navigating their emotions and finding comfort during challenging moments.

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Creating Positive Moods in Your Children

As parents, one of our most important tasks is to help our children navigate the colorful landscape of emotions. From giggles of joy to moments of frustration, children experience a wide range of moods as they grow and learn. Understanding the factors influencing their mood and equipping ourselves with practical strategies can play a significant role in nurturing their emotional well-being.

The Mood Spectrum

Just like adults, children experience a spectrum of moods. Happiness, sadness, anger, excitement, and everything in between contribute to their emotional world. Remembering that all emotions are valid and serve a purpose in our children’s lives is crucial. By acknowledging and validating their feelings, we create a safe space for them to explore and express their emotions.

Factors Influencing Mood

Several factors can influence a child’s mood, including:

  1. Sleep: Adequate sleep is essential for emotional well-being. Children who consistently get enough sleep tend to be more balanced and cheerful.
  2. Nutrition: A balanced diet rich in nutrients supports physical and emotional health.
  3. Physical Activity: Regular exercise helps release endorphins, promoting positive emotions and reducing stress.
  4. Social Interactions: Healthy relationships with family, friends, and peers contribute to positive mood development.
  5. Environment: A safe, nurturing environment at home and school set the tone for emotional well-being.
  6. Stress Management: Equipping children with coping mechanisms to deal with stressors can prevent negative moods from escalating.

Creating Positive Moods

As parents, we have the power to foster positive moods in our children:

  1. Open Communication: Encourage your child to talk about their feelings. Create a judgment-free space where they feel comfortable sharing their emotional experiences.
  2. Model Emotional Regulation: Children learn by observing. Demonstrate healthy ways of managing emotions, such as taking deep breaths or calming activities.
  3. Validate Feelings: Let your child know their feelings are understood and accepted. Avoid dismissing or belittling their emotions.
  4. Create a Routine: Consistency provides stability, which can positively impact mood. Establish a daily routine with ample sleep, play, and relaxation time.
  5. Encourage Play and Creativity: Play is a natural way for children to express their emotions and work through challenges. Encourage creative outlets like drawing, painting, and imaginative play.
  6. Promote Healthy Lifestyle Choices: Encourage nutritious eating, physical activity, and adequate sleep to support their overall well-being.
  7. Empower Problem-Solving: Teach your child problem-solving skills to handle challenges constructively, boosting their confidence and reducing frustration.
  8. Practice Mindfulness Together: Introduce simple mindfulness exercises like deep breathing or guided imagery to help your child manage strong emotions.

Nurturing positive moods in children is a journey that requires patience, understanding, and an unwavering commitment to their emotional well-being. By recognizing the factors influencing their moods and implementing strategies promoting positivity, parents can play an instrumental role in shaping their children’s emotional landscapes. Through open communication, validation, and a nurturing environment, parents can help their children navigate emotions with confidence and resilience.

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Are you in a mood?

How’s your mood? Is it cheerful, irritable, fearful, or optimistic? Does your mood change from day to day, or is it relatively constant? Do you find that your mood creates problems in your relationship at home, school, or work?

When someone asks you how your mood is doing, it’s usually not because your mood is cheery and light, right? Someone has noticed a change in your attitude or demeanor. Perhaps this has been going on for some time, or it changes from day to day. People often get offended by this question precisely because of their negative feelings. It can feel like criticism or a put-down like you are a problem to them. But asking about your mood may be an attempt for others to understand what is going on. They may want to help but don’t know how difficult it is to explain when you are unsure about what is happening!

No one wants to feel sad or grumpy. We want to be happier, optimistic, open to new experiences, and deeply connected to others. That is not always the reality. Some people may not shake their negative moods, no matter how hard they try. Is this your situation?

If you could flip a switch on your mood, you would, wouldn’t you? It is hard to have a greater thought than your most intense feeling.

Let Ron Huxley help you today!

What is a “mood”?

A mood is an affective state that can last for days, months, or even a lifetime. In contrast to emotions or feelings, moods are not as intense, may reflect a general state of mind, or, if persistent, become descriptive of your personality. Moods aren’t usually swayed by external events, or not for very long. You might be intensely happy about a job promotion or getting an “A” on a test, but you quickly return to feeling angry or sad. What happened? There is no reason to feel this way. The reason is due to the nature of mood.

We describe the mood as an attitude, spirit, temper, tenor, disposition, tendency, or character. A parent might say that their teenager is “in a mood.” A spouse might tell a friend, “don’t bother him right now; he’s in one of his moods.” It can also be a way to describe a strong desire or craving, as in, “I am in the mood for ice cream” or, like the famous song states: “I am in the mood for love.”

Creative works of art can be said to have a mood. Masterful literature or film has light, cheery, or dark moods and is somber in tone. The story, song, or painting might be reflective, gloomy, romantic, mysterious, calm, hopeful, angry, fearful, tense, or lonely. These works of art resonate with our current mood. Comfort can be found in a book, movie, or lyric. Soundtracks give scenes in a film a mood that creates tension, fear, and drama.

We are so moody or easily swayed in our moods because human beings are hardwired social-emotional creatures. Moods can be contagious and quickly picked up by being around someone else who is in a different mood than us. A dark and depressing mood can promptly shift the atmosphere of the room. You weren’t depressed before you walked into the room, but now, one second later, you are. We think we are “bipolar,” but this is just being social-emotional creatures.

Test this out: the next time you have a sudden mood switch, look around you and notice who is in the room and how they are acting? You might spot the culprit giving off negative vibes that you are picking up.

Take a deep breath of relief and let your confusion and negative energy on. Breathe in and tell yourself: “the feeling is not about me,” and on the exhale, release it. Want this means about yourself is that you are empathic and sensitive, two wonderful human traits.

As a therapist with three decades of experience working with people with mood disorders and trauma, I have discovered some practical tools to help “flip the switch.” Schedule a session today!

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What If Your Feelings Could Talk?

Sadness might be telling you it is time to cry. Loneliness might be telling you of a need for connection.
Shame might be telling you to increase self-compassion.
Resentment is talking about people (or self) you need to forgive.
Emptiness may be sharing a desire for more creativity.
Anger could be trying to tell you to add more boundaries in life.
Anxiety could be telling you to breathe more, or at least exhale!
Stress might be telling you to slow down and take one step at a time.

Feelings are often untrusted physical and emotional sensations that can lead us to make impulsive, irrational decisions. But I believe this is more due to our mis-understandings of them than their inherent deceptiveness.


We are taught, from childhood, to stuff our feelings and keep them under control. How are we then able to partner with them for greater emotional intelligence in later life?


Most men funnel all their emotions into their anger. Anger is respected and awarded to men in most cultures. They are told to “man up” or “keep a stiff upper lip” when it comes to other emotions.


The consequences of squelching emotions are poor communication that stonewalls relationships, increases disease risk, and destroys self-esteem and personal worth. The answer is to begin making friends with our emotions and see them as messengers who provide you with wisdom for life’s journey.


Start learning the vocabulary of emotions. Most men in couples therapy appear to have no capacity for emotions or refuse to comply with the therapist’s and partners’ requests to share feelings. The real problem is lack of competency, not compliance. They don’t know the words. When men are presented with a list of feelings words to describe what they are experiencing, they can share a dozen real emotions.


Why could they share their emotions when they have a list but couldn’t come up with it when asked in the “heat” of the interaction with the therapist or partner? Often, it is simply a lack of practice recognizing their feelings.

TIPS FOR MAKING FRIENDS WITH FEELINGS:


Allow your feelings to be neutral. Think of them as messengers designed to help you interpreting information from the sensory world. Our bodies are not machines but complex information processing systems. They are your “gut instincts” that can guide you through complex situations.

When your feelings are your enemies, you will be in a continual “fight or flight” state. Creative problem solving shuts down in this hyper-response situation. Conscious thought is powerful but slow. The body/brain system is rapid and responsive but will hijack you every time. Make friends with your feelings by practicing calming strategies.

Deep breathing is an easy way to connect with feelings. Science has proven that breathing in a pattern of longer exhales will bring almost instant relaxation. Try repeating a 4 second count for inhale and an 8 second count on exhales.This simple exercise engages the “vagus nerve” responsible for “rest and digest.”

Inhale on a 4 second count and exhale on a 8 second count.

Do this exercise as many times as you would like but most people start to feel more relaxed after two or three tries. Once you are feeling relaxed, check in with your body and notice what physical sensations and feelings are located in your body. Put you hand on this location and do the breathing exercise again. Allow the sensation or feeling to speak to you…what does your body need you to know? Maybe you are just sitting in a weird position and need to adjust yourself. You didn’t even realize you were sitting so oddly.

Start to journal your feelings and narrate what they are saying. Give them a name and watch when they show up in your daily life and how they are trying to help guide you with some wisdom. What happens when you listen or ignore them? Where the consequences helpful or harmful? Use a feeling wheel or chart to build your emotional vocabulary. Practice using feeling words in your communication with the simple script of “I feel X when Y happens.”

Thank your feelings for coming to your aid. I know, it sounds weird to talk to your feelings but they will show up in the wrong ways at the wrong time if you ignore them…Start by making friends today and learn to hear the important messages they are trying to tell you.


Learn more techniques for regulation and resiliency in our TraumaToolbox.com ecourse or connect with Ron Huxley for a session today.

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Emotional Mastery: Surfing Unpleasant Emotions

I was watching a TED Talk on YouTube about Emotional Mastery: The Gifted Wisdom of Unpleasant Feelings. Emotional mastery of these feeling states is a timely question as we deal with a Pandemic, teaching children from home, and struggling with the uncertainty of our social, financial future. Knowing how to manage unpleasant emotions is always a key question for our mental health and success in life.

Unpleasant emotions include feelings of shame, guilt, anger, sadness, anxiety, depression, fear, and grief, to name a few.

The TED Talk speaker explores how emotional mastery is demonstrated by our ability to move past/through these unpleasant emotions and not be shut down or run from them.

By “move through,” she refers to the neuroscience idea that when an emotional feeling gets triggered, chemicals flood the body, activating bodily sensations that can put into a survival state of fight, flight, and freeze. Interestingly, we experience these unpleasant emotions in our bodies before we cognitively understand them. The body always reacts first, fast, and defensively. If unpleasant feelings come from a traumatic event, we will develop emotional programs that will be set in the body to protect us from other unpleasant feelings or situations. We may make a conscious vow to never “trust people again,” be put “into an embarrassing situation ever again,” or “never take such a risk like that again” to further protect ourselves from such unpleasantness. Emotional programs (from the unconscious body-mind) and cognitive vows (from the conscious thinking-mind) paint us into a corner. Although they protect, they also prevent us from growth and success.

The goal is to “move through” unpleasant emotions and not avoid or dissociate from them. To do this, we have to “surf” the wave of bodily chemical sensations and stand up on the board of our own conscious choices. That unpleasant wave of chemicals only lasts 60-90 seconds. That is less time that a song on the radio, explains the psychologist from the TED Talk. Unpleasant emotions rush and then flush from the body.

It is the fight or flight from unpleasant emotions that make the waves more significant and more threatening than they are, and the vicious cycle of the more chemical reaction and mental obsessions continue.

How do we “move through” emotionally unpleasant feelings? The psychologists claim that the uncomfortable sensations are like a wave of chemicals that go through us like a wave. It lasts only 60-90 seconds and then dissipates. Rush and then flushed by the body.

Different unpleasant emotions have different patterns of waves: Grief has waves after waves. Anger is perhaps a big roaring wave. Sadness is a slow, lingering wave. Shame a sneaky, rip curl of a wave. But all of them come and go. We can get back on the beach and feel stable again. The beach is the place of acceptance in this metaphor.

The speaker’s recommendation is to learn to surf the unpleasant waves, let them rise, and then let them retreat. Stop fighting them, fleeing them, or freezing in the middle of them. With consistent practice, insights into life and your character will develop. The speaker describes how we will be better able to pursue the goals you dreamed about, have courageous conversations, and feel more conformable in your skin. Surfing them won’t take a lifetime. It only takes a moment. The present now where change always starts.

If you would like more information on how to surf the waves of unpleasant emotions, schedule a one-on-one session with Ron here or take a FamilyHealer.tv course at your convenience.

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Dealing with the Soul and Emotions

Everyone struggles with how to deal with their emotions. This is especially challenging for children whose neurological development has not matured to the point that they can use more rational thinking to deal with their emotions. It becomes even more problematic if our children have suffered a traumatic event or experienced toxic stress. 

Trauma and toxic stress impair all areas of development for children causing them to act and think below their chronological age. We call this gap “Age vs. Stage” to reference how a 16-year-old can act socially and emotionally like a 6-year-old. Often, the age that the child experienced the trauma is the emotional age they get stuck at even while the rest of them advance in years. This can open the eyes for many caregivers who are puzzled by the age vs stage problem. 

Adults don’t always have good solutions to this problem, however. We may not really know how to manage our own emotions. Perhaps we have had our own trauma that shuts us down when overwhelmed by stress or we haven’t had many examples of what healthy, responsible adults do with their intense feelings and so, we limp along with our own developmental journey. 

What most adults do is stuff their feelings. They might do this by dissociating from their bodily reactions and disconnect from extreme feelings of intimacy or closeness. They might push the feelings down until the boil over in a fit of rage, with everyone around the just waiting for the next volcanic explosion. They might try to be super reasonable and lecture their family and be perfectionistic with expectations no one can live up to. 

The healthier answer is not to try and live from our emotions at all! The secret is that you can change your emotions by changing what you believe. When you wake up in the morning, don’t ask yourself “How do I feel today?” Ask yourself, instead “What do I believe today?”

Families who are faith-based believe many things they don’t always practice. For example, we believe that God will take care of all our needs but we spend hours being worried. Our beliefs must go deeper into our subconscious minds where habits exist. You don’t think about how to do certain things in life, like driving your car or make dinner, because those thought structures are set in our subconscious mind so that we can spend more energy on other conscious thoughts and actions. Practicing what we preach has to become a natural reaction to life’s challenges as well. 

Faith-based families have a strange distrust of their own souls as well. Our souls comprise our body, mind, and will. Perhaps we distrust them because we haven’t changed our subconscious habits yet. This will be an on-going process, for sure, and one we can start modeling for our children as well. We also have to live healthy lifestyles, eating good food, engaging in playful activities, and getting rest and exercise. 

Our beliefs allow us to overcome shame from our past. This is what causes traumatized children (and adults) from believing they deserve a good life because they are unworthy of love, unwanted by biological parents, and damaged in some way – maybe many ways. This negative belief results in the sabotage of success, self-injurious behavior, suicidal ideations, depression, anxiety, and fear. This list could go on…

God’s mercies are supposed to be “new every morning” and the same level of grace should be extended to ourselves as well as to other. We need to offer this to our traumatized children, as well. Whatever happened yesterday must be forgiven and our thought life must be taken captive. 

A powerful tool for ourselves and for our families is to make biblical declarations – out loud! Life or death is on the tongue and what we say can steer the direction of our lives (Proverbs 18:21; James 3). Speaking out our new beliefs is an act of faith because we may not feel that what we are saying is true but we are not letting our emotions guide our beliefs, we are letting our beliefs direct our emotions. 

Renewing the mind is how we are to live our faith governed lives and it is a continual process of maturity for our children and will help to close the age vs. stage gap (Romans 12:1-1). 

Start your declarations with the words “I believe” and see what happens to your own mindset as well as to your child’s attitude and behaviors.

“I believe” that I have all the grace I need to face any challenge or problem that comes up for me today.

“I believe” that I am worthy of love and the love of God, who is love, overflows from me to everyone I encounter today.

“I believe” that I am trustworthy, kind, and tenderhearted. I am able to forgive other people who have hurt by and not live in bitterness or seek revenge. 

  • “I believe” that my prayers are powerful.
  • “I believe” I am great at relationships and making friends.
  • “I believe”  that my family is blessed and I am a blessing to everyone around me.
  • “I believe” God is on my side and doesn’t hate me or punish me. 
  • “I believe” I can think right thoughts and make good decisions.
  • “I believe” that I am successful and have the ability to think and act creatively today.
  • “I believe” today is a new day, full of new mercies, and I can be happy and rejoice in it. 
  • “I believe” that the joy of the Lord is my strength. 
  • “I believe” I do not have a spirit of fear and God gives me power, love, and a sound mind. 
  • “I believe” that I can control what I say and everything from my lips speak love, live, and encouragement. 
  • “I believe” that I can remember everything I am studying and will accomplish everything that needs to get down today. 
  • “I believe” that believing the truth sets me free of fear and depression. 

Don’t worry if you don’t always feel what you say is true. Don’t be concerned or deterred if your children don’t agree with your declarations, at first. I believe that if you practice these declarations and start to create your own personal list that you will see incredible changes in your own heart and the heart of your family, today and over time!

Take a free online course to help your family heal at FamilyHealer.tv