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Adoption Ambiguity in Adoptive Children

Adoption ambiguity, a term introduced by Pauline Boss in the 1970s, encapsulates the intricate emotional landscape adoptive children navigate as they grapple with their identities, relationships, and sense of belonging. Nancy Verrier, in her seminal work “The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child” (1991), further sheds light on the profound impact of adoption on children. In this article, we will explore adoption ambiguity, draw insights from experts in the field, and highlight the relevance of Verrier’s work in understanding the complexities of adoptive experiences.

Understanding Adoption Ambiguity: Adoption ambiguity is a multifaceted phenomenon that encompasses the unresolved emotions and challenges adopted children face. Parents need to acknowledge and address these complexities to provide a nurturing environment for these children. Let’s delve into expert perspectives and the insights shared in “The Primal Wound“:

  1. Ambiguous Loss and Adopted Children:
    • Verrier’s work emphasizes the concept of the primal wound, which refers to the profound loss experienced by adoptees due to the separation from their biological mothers.
    • This primal wound can manifest as a deep-seated sense of loss, grief, and disconnection that adoptive children carry throughout their lives.
  2. Self-Sabotage and Adoption Ambiguity:
    • Adoptive children may exhibit self-sabotaging behaviors as a coping mechanism for the unresolved emotions stemming from adoption ambiguity.
    • Issues such as fear of rejection, trust and control struggles, identity conflicts, and attachment trauma can contribute to self-sabotage in adoptive children.

Insights on Supporting Adoptive Children: Drawing from expert advice and Verrier’s insights, here are key strategies for parents to support their adoptive children through the challenges of adoption ambiguity:

  1. Establishing Open Communication:
    • Foster open and honest communication with your child to create a safe space for discussing their feelings and experiences.
    • Encourage dialogue about adoption-related topics while respecting your child’s emotions and perspectives.
  2. Building Trust and Security:
    • Prioritize building a foundation of trust and security in your relationship with your adoptive child.
    • Demonstrate consistent support, empathy, and understanding to help your child feel secure in their identity and relationships.
  3. Seeking Professional Guidance:
    • Consider seeking guidance from adoption professionals, therapists, or support groups familiar with adoption-related issues.
    • Professional assistance can offer valuable insights and strategies tailored to address the specific needs of your adoptive child.
  4. Embracing Education and Resources:
    • Educate yourself about adoption ambiguity and its impact on adoptive children by exploring resources such as “The Primal Wound” and other relevant literature.
    • Engage with adoption communities, workshops, and online resources to gain knowledge and connect with others who share similar experiences.

The journey of adoptive children is characterized by unique challenges and emotional complexities that require sensitivity, understanding, and support. By integrating insights from experts and works like “The Primal Wound” by Nancy Verrier, parents can cultivate a nurturing environment that empowers their adoptive children to navigate their identities and relationships with resilience. As illuminated by Verrier and other experts, adoption ambiguity underscores the significance of acknowledging and addressing the deep-seated emotions and challenges inherent in adoptive experiences. Empathy, communication, and a commitment to learning can create a supportive space where adoptive children can flourish and embrace their individual journeys.

Here are some recommended books and resources for parents looking to deepen their understanding of adoption-related issues and support their adoptive children:

Books:

Online Resources:

  • Adoption.com: A comprehensive online resource offering articles, forums, and community support for adoptive families.
  • Child Welfare Information Gateway: Provides resources on adoption-related topics, including parenting tips, support services, and legal information.
  • North American Council on Adoptable Children (NACAC): Offers educational resources, training, and advocacy for adoptive families.
  • Adoptive Families Magazine: Features articles, expert advice, and personal stories related to adoption and parenting.
  • Adoption Network: Provides support, education, and resources for adoptive families, birth families, and adoptees.

These books and online resources can offer valuable insights, guidance, and support for parents navigating the complexities of adoption and seeking to create a nurturing environment for their adoptive children.

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Embracing Post-Traumatic Growth: A Guide for Adoptive Families

Adopting a child is a journey filled with love, hope, and challenges. For adoptive families, the road to building a strong and resilient family unit may involve navigating various emotional terrains. One concept that has gained recognition in recent years is “post-traumatic growth” (PTG). This transformative process, arising from adversity, can be a powerful tool for adoptive families seeking to foster connection, resilience, and personal growth.

Understanding Post-Traumatic Growth:
Post-traumatic growth refers to the positive psychological changes that individuals or families can experience in the aftermath of a challenging or traumatic event. Rather than being overwhelmed by difficulties, individuals may find new strengths, perspectives, and a deeper appreciation for life.

Adoptive families often encounter unique challenges, including the complexities of attachment, identity, and the potential for past traumas in a child’s life. By understanding the principles of post-traumatic growth, adoptive families can harness these challenges as opportunities for personal and collective development.

The Five Domains of Post-Traumatic Growth:

  1. Personal Strength:
    Adoptive families can cultivate personal strength by acknowledging and embracing their vulnerabilities. This involves recognizing the resilience they’ve developed in navigating the adoption process and overcoming obstacles. Fostering a sense of self-efficacy can empower family members to face future challenges with confidence.
  2. Appreciation of Life:
    Embracing gratitude for the joys and positive aspects of life can be a transformative practice for adoptive families. Celebrating milestones, small victories, and the everyday moments of connection can create a foundation of positivity within the family.
  3. Relationships:
    Nurturing healthy connections within the family and beyond is crucial for post-traumatic growth. Adoptive families may find strength in open communication, empathy, and a shared commitment to overcoming challenges. Strong support systems, whether through friends, family, or support groups, can enhance the family’s ability to grow together.
  4. New Possibilities:
    The adoption journey opens doors to new possibilities, both for the child and the family. Recognizing and exploring these opportunities, whether through education, hobbies, or cultural exploration, can contribute to the family’s collective growth.
  5. Spiritual or Existential Growth:
    Reflecting on the deeper meaning and purpose of the adoption journey can lead to spiritual or existential growth. This may involve exploring one’s beliefs, values, and the profound impact of building a family through adoption.

Practical Strategies for Adoptive Families:

  1. Promote Open Communication:
    Encourage family members to express their thoughts and feelings openly. Establishing a safe space for communication fosters understanding and strengthens familial bonds.
  2. Seek Professional Support:
    Utilize the expertise of adoption professionals, therapists, and support groups to navigate challenges. Professional guidance can offer insights, coping strategies, and reassurance during difficult times.
  3. Embrace the Journey:
    Recognize that the adoption journey is ongoing, and growth is a continuous process. Embrace the ups and downs, understanding that challenges can be opportunities for learning and development.
  4. Celebrate Milestones:
    Acknowledge and celebrate the achievements and milestones within the family. Recognizing progress, no matter how small reinforces a positive outlook and strengthens the family’s sense of accomplishment.


Post-traumatic growth is a powerful framework for adoptive families seeking to transform challenges into opportunities for personal and collective development. By fostering personal strength, appreciating life, nurturing relationships, exploring new possibilities, and embracing spiritual growth, adoptive families can build resilience and create a supportive environment for their children. The adoption journey is a unique and transformative experience, and with a mindset of post-traumatic growth, families can navigate it with strength, grace, and a deep sense of connection.

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When Your Children Are Hurt By Other Children

As parents, it can be difficult to see our children experience hurt feelings, especially when it comes from their friendships. Whether it’s a disagreement with a friend, feeling left out, or experiencing betrayal, children can be deeply affected by these emotional challenges. However, there are several ways parents can support their children through these difficult times and help them healthily navigate their emotions.

1. Encourage open communication:

  • Create a safe and welcoming environment for your child to express their feelings. Let them know that it’s okay to feel hurt and that you are there to listen without judgment.

2. Validate their feelings:

  • Acknowledge and validate your child’s emotions. Let them know that it’s normal to feel hurt and that their feelings are important.

3. Offer empathy and understanding:

  • Show empathy by putting yourself in your child’s shoes and understanding the situation from their perspective. This can help your child feel heard and supported.

4. Help them identify their emotions:

  • Guide your child in identifying and understanding their emotions. Encourage them to express how they feel and help them label their emotions, such as sadness, anger, or disappointment.

5. Teach problem-solving skills:

  • Help your child brainstorm possible solutions to the situation that caused their hurt feelings. Encourage them to think of ways to resolve the issue or improve the friendship.

6. Foster resiliency:

  • Teach your child that experiencing setbacks in friendships is a normal part of life and that they have the strength to bounce back from these challenges. Encourage them to see the situation as an opportunity for growth.

7. Encourage healthy coping mechanisms:

  • Guide your child in using healthy coping strategies, such as engaging in enjoyable activities, spending time with supportive friends, or practicing mindfulness and relaxation techniques.

8. Role model healthy communication and conflict resolution:

  • Demonstrate positive communication and conflict resolution skills in your own interactions. Children often learn by example, and seeing healthy conflict management at home can have a positive impact on their own behavior.

9. Support their social skills development:

  • Help your child develop their social skills by teaching them about empathy, active listening, and the importance of respecting others’ feelings and boundaries.

10. Seek professional help if needed:

  • If your child’s hurt feelings persist or significantly impact their well-being, consider seeking the help of a mental health professional who specializes in working with children.

By providing a supportive and nurturing environment, parents can play a crucial role in helping their children navigate the complex terrain of friendships and hurt feelings. Through open communication, empathy, and guidance, parents can empower their children to develop resilience and healthy coping skills, ultimately helping them build strong and fulfilling relationships in the future. Remember that every child is unique, and it’s important to tailor your approach to your child’s individual needs and temperament.

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Creating a Resilient Mindset for Challenging Situations

Life is an unpredictable journey filled with twists and turns, presenting us with a wide array of challenges and difficult situations. In such moments, the power of resilience becomes paramount. Resilience, the ability to bounce back from adversity, is not an innate trait but a skill that can be cultivated and nurtured. In this article, we will explore how we can draw inspiration from popular books, renowned authors, poets, and philosophers to develop a resilient mindset that empowers us to face life’s difficulties head-on.

Embracing the Power of Mindset:

One of the fundamental aspects of building resilience is adopting a growth mindset. In her book “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success,” Carol S. Dweck emphasizes the transformative potential of embracing a growth mindset. By understanding that challenges are opportunities for growth, we can shift our perspective and view difficult situations as stepping stones towards personal development.

Drawing Inspiration from Literature:

Throughout history, literature has been a source of solace and inspiration for individuals facing hardships. Authors like Viktor Frankl, in his work “Man’s Search for Meaning,” remind us that even in the darkest moments, we can find purpose and meaning. By seeking out stories of triumph over adversity, such as “The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho or “The Odyssey” by Homer, we can glean wisdom and resilience from the journeys of fictional characters.

Wisdom from Philosophers and Poets:

The wisdom of philosophers and poets transcends time and provides us with timeless insights into resilience. Marcus Aurelius, in his “Meditations,” highlights the importance of accepting and adapting to circumstances beyond our control. The poet Maya Angelou, through her words, encourages us to rise above difficulties and discover our inner strength. “Still I Rise” serves as a testament to the power of resilience in the face of adversity.

Cultivating Self-Compassion:

In challenging times, self-compassion becomes a vital component of resilience. Kristen Neff, in her book “Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself,” emphasizes the importance of treating ourselves with kindness, especially when facing difficult situations. By practicing self-compassion, we create a nurturing inner environment that fosters resilience and self-growth.

Building Supportive Relationships:

Resilience is not a solitary endeavor. Building and maintaining healthy relationships can be a source of immense strength during tough times. Author Brené Brown, known for her work on vulnerability and courage, explores the power of connection in her book “Daring Greatly.” Surrounding ourselves with a network of supportive individuals who uplift and encourage us can significantly enhance our resilience.

Setting the right mindset for a specific situation or relationship can greatly contribute to positive outcomes. Here are some questions you can ask yourself to help establish a resilient mindset:

  1. What is my desired outcome in this situation or relationship?
  2. What are my strengths and how can I leverage them to navigate this situation or relationship effectively?
  3. What are the potential challenges or obstacles I might encounter, and how can I prepare to overcome them?
  4. Am I approaching this situation or relationship with an open and non-judgmental mindset?
  5. What assumptions or preconceptions do I have, and how can I challenge or reframe them?
  6. What opportunities for growth and learning exist within this situation or relationship?
  7. How can I practice empathy and understanding to better connect with others involved?
  8. Am I focusing on what I can control or influence, rather than fixating on things outside of my control?
  9. What self-care strategies can I implement to maintain my well-being throughout this process?
  10. Am I willing to communicate openly and honestly, and actively listen to the perspectives of others?

In the face of life’s challenges, resilience becomes the anchor that keeps us grounded. By cultivating a growth mindset, drawing inspiration from literature, embracing wisdom from philosophers and poets, practicing self-compassion, and nurturing supportive relationships, we fortify our resilience. As we navigate the ups and downs of life’s journey, let us remember that difficult situations are not insurmountable roadblocks but opportunities for growth and self-discovery. With the wisdom of renowned authors, poets, and philosophers as our guiding lights, we can cultivate an unwavering mindset that empowers us to face adversity with grace and resilience.

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Finding Courage and Strength: A Review of “Courage to Change” by Al-Anon

Introduction: Living with a loved one who struggles with addiction can be incredibly difficult and painful. It can leave us feeling overwhelmed, helpless, and lost. Al-Anon is a support group that offers help and hopes to people affected by someone else’s addiction. One of their essential resources is “Courage to Change,” a daily reader book filled with reflections and meditations designed to provide comfort and inspiration. This article will review “Courage to Change” and discuss who would benefit most from this book.

Authors: “Courage to Change” is published by Al-Anon. This support group has been helping families and friends of alcoholics since 1951. The book was written by Al-Anon members and is based on their experiences, strength, and hope.

Who Would Benefit Most: “Courage to Change” is a valuable resource for anyone affected by someone else’s addiction. This includes family members, friends, and loved ones of addicts. The book offers daily reflections and meditations that provide comfort, support, and inspiration to those struggling to cope with the challenges of addiction. It can help readers find peace, serenity, and the courage to change the things they can.

Dealing with a family member with addiction can be an incredibly difficult and stressful experience that can impact a person’s boundaries, communication, and self-worth in several ways:

  1. Boundaries: a) Lack of clarity: Family members often struggle to define and maintain healthy boundaries with their loved ones struggling with addiction. They may feel guilty or responsible for their loved one’s behavior, leading to confusion about where to draw the line. b) Blurred lines: Addiction can cause family members to feel as though they need to be constantly available to their loved ones, leading to blurred boundaries and a lack of personal space. c) Resentment: Family members may struggle with resentment towards their loved one for crossing their boundaries, leading to tension and conflict.
  2. Communication: a) Fear and avoidance: Fear of triggering their loved one or causing conflict can lead family members to avoid communicating openly and honestly with them. b) Enabling: Family members may unknowingly enable their loved one’s addiction by not setting clear communication boundaries or avoiding confrontation. c) Misunderstandings: Communication breakdowns can lead to misunderstandings and misinterpretations that can further strain relationships.
  3. Self-worth: a) Blaming themselves: Family members may blame themselves for their loved one’s addiction, leading to guilt, shame, and low self-worth. b) Codependency: Family members may become so enmeshed in their loved one’s addiction that they lose their sense of self-worth and identity outside of their relationship. c) Lack of support: Lack of support from friends or family members can cause a person to question their self-worth and worthiness of love and care.

The Book’s Contents: “Courage to Change” is a daily reader book that offers 365 reflections and meditations. Each day’s reading focuses on a specific topic: acceptance, self-care, forgiveness, and gratitude. The readings are designed to be short and easy to read, making them a perfect resource for busy people.

The book’s reflections are based on the principles of Al-Anon, which include accepting the things we cannot change, letting go of control, and trusting a higher power. It emphasizes the importance of self-care, setting healthy boundaries, and cultivating self-love and self-compassion.

Similar Sources: Many other resources are available for people affected by addiction. One of the most well-known is “The 12 Steps” by Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). While “The 12 Steps” is written for people who struggle with addiction, it can also be a valuable resource for loved ones who want to better understand the recovery process.

Another resource is “Beyond Addiction” by Jeffrey Foote, Carrie Wilkens, and Nicole Kosanke. This book offers a science-based approach to addiction that focuses on the whole family, not just the addict. It provides practical tools and strategies for families to navigate addiction challenges.

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” This quote, often called the Serenity Prayer, is a central theme of “Courage to Change.” This principle can be applied to many aspects of life but is especially relevant for people affected by addiction which often struggle with helplessness and powerlessness.

Conclusion: Living with addiction can be incredibly challenging, but hope exists. “Courage to Change” is a valuable resource for anyone affected by addiction. Its daily reflections and meditations provide comfort, support, and inspiration, helping readers find the courage and strength to face the challenges of addiction. Other resources, such as “The 12 Steps” and “Beyond Addiction,” can also be helpful tools for those seeking support and guidance.

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Forgiveness: Another Way to Eliminate Negativity

When people treat you wrong, it is very easy to hold a grudge. You may not understand how it could be possible to forgive someone for a slight, especially if the action was especially hurtful. Maybe you think forgiveness is about the other person and somehow,they benefit from you forgiving them. Forgiveness is not about the other person; it is about you. 

Forgiving another person does not always mean they stay in your life. Sometimes you do not even let them know you are forgiving them. You do not even need to trust them again. Just forgive them to eliminate the negativity in your life. 

 

Even horrific crimes can be forgiven. For safety reasons, you may want to use an indirect way of forgiving them instead of contacting them directly. Write a letter as if you plan on sending it to the other person. Talk about how what they did made you feel, and about how it made you think about yourself. Write about how you are no longer going to allow them space in your head and how you forgive them for what they did to you. 

 

When you finish writing, seal up the letter in an envelope and put their name on the front. Then either throw it away (shred it first!) or burn the letter. It does not have to actually be read by the person you are forgiving, this exercise is to help you get past the negativity and the chains that are holding you back as a person. 

 

If you find you can’t forgive on your own, you may want to talk with a professional. Therapy can really help you get past this hurdle. Especially if the person committed a serious crime. If you have been abused, particularly over a long period of time, you may need therapy to help you get past what was done to you. There is nothing wrong with seeking help. 

 

Once you have forgiven the other person, you will feel like a weight has been lifted, or chains have been removed. Grudges are not healthy for you and they do not affect the other person. When you bottle up negative feelings, you can increase your risks of developing heart disease, and other health conditions. You tend to age faster as well. Not forgiving others can dim your overall outlook on life, so why put yourself through all of that? 

 

Remember that forgiveness is not about the other person, it is about eliminating the negativity in your own life. So free yourself today by forgiving others for the wrongs they have done to you.

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5 Ways to Boost Your Mental Health

Scientists tell us there are certain things we can do to improve our mental wellbeing. These techniques will help you feel more positive about yourself.

They teach you how to ride the lows and wait out the lows. Once you know that, nothing can stop you from getting what you want out of life.

Today, we’re going to share with you five ways to boost your mental health. Keep reading for more.

1. Connect With Others

Good relationships don’t need years to build. They can form in a matter of months, or weeks even. Plus, they don’t have to be an all-in, best-friends-for-life type of relationship.

Just talking to a neighbor or members of your church can have a great impact on your mental health. You learn to listen, empathize, and build a strong sense of self-worth and value.

Have you and a friend not seen each other in a while? Then, reach out and try to arrange a coffee date so you can get together and catch up.

How about your children or other family members? Why not try to set an hour during the day where you talk or play games?

We all know how social media has become an important part of our lives. And it’s made it easier to stay in touch with important people in our lives, especially if they live far away.

It’s good to text and chat on a regular basis. Just make sure technology isn’t replacing your face-to-face communications with people.

2. Learn New Skills

Learning a new skill or hobby can have a significant boost on your mental health. It’s an excellent way to meet new people and improve your self-esteem.

It’s nice to have a sense of purpose, other than your work. It gives you something to look forward to each day.

The problem, however, is many people complain they don’t have enough hours in the day. Luckily, though, technology has made learning more accessible.

Here are some of the ways you can use those high-tech gadgets you have to good use:

• Sign up for an online course, like learning a new language or a practical skill like programming

• Look for free video tutorials online to help you out with a DIY project

• If you enjoy cooking, find healthy recipes and learn how to make them

• Try a new hobby that challenges and entertains you, like painting, writing, or gardening

• Learn to play a new sport or physical activity

3. Pay More Attention

We’re all guilty of not paying attention to people and things going on around us. We’re always busy with work or scrolling through our social media feed.

Learning to focus all your senses on the present moment can improve your mental well-being. It also boosts your mood and lowers stress levels. Experts call this type of focus ‘mindfulness’.

When you practice mindfulness, you enjoy the little things in life. Things like watching a bird soar overhead or taking in the nuances of nature are just two small examples.

When you’re in tune with the small details, you feel more relaxed and at peace. Plus, you start to get a better understanding of what makes you happy or anxious, which is a healthy way to approach life’s challenges.

4. Get Physically Active

When you do any type of physical activity, you boost your physical fitness, as well as your mental wellness. It could be a short 15-minute walk, an hour of cycling each week, or 30 minutes at the gym. You pick the activities that you enjoy and that make you feel good.

Then, once you start noticing the difference, you start to feel good about your looks. That’s when your confidence will soar through the roof.

In addition, your brain signals the nervous central system to release ‘feel-good’ hormones known as endorphins. These wonder chemicals trigger a positive response, which boosts your mood. They also reduce feelings of pain and anxiety.

Check out the following tips on how to get moving to boost your mental health:

• Look online for free activities catered to your fitness level

• Find local centers where you can dance, swim, or cycle

• Try running with a ‘couch to 5K’ app or podcast

• If you have a chronic health condition or a disability, there are many exercise’s and physical activities that can be customized to meet your needs

5. Give to Others

According to research, acts of kindness and giving are great ways to improve your mental well-being. The reason is that when we help others, our brains trigger the release of another ‘feel-good’ hormone called oxytocin.

This chemical promotes feelings of empathy and trust. It also makes us calmer, happier, and more inspired to do more.

Giving to others could be volunteering at a local shelter or helping out someone on a personal level. The point is to offer your time and energy doing something for other people. In return, you’ll feel good about yourself, knowing that you’re valued and appreciated

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Helping children to be more resilient

Resiliency is the ability to adjust to life’s difficulties and overcome challenging and stressful situations. On a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the highest, how resilient are you? How resilient is your child?

Resilient parents don’t automatically have resilient children. This can be frustrating for parents who want their kids to get motivated about school, say no to bad choices, or accept rejection and failures. If your child scores low on the resiliency scale, you can build new skills to help them grow emotionally and mentally.

Resilience has several attributes that parents would love to see in their children:

  • Emotional awareness and regulation
  • Inner drive or motivation
  • Future focus and readiness for change
  • Strong social connections/relationships
  • Physical health, sleep, and diet

Creating this in your child will be a process that occurs over time. The hope is that children will show these characteristics by the time they turn 18 and leave the home but even if it takes longer it is a goal parents will want to continue nurturing in them.

Don’t compare your child to others. Focus on the qualities of your child only! Comparisons places to much pressure on you and your child and will sabotage your efforts to develop this mental strength.

Parents have to model resiliency. You can’t preach resiliency if you don’t practice resiliency. Children will always do what you do over what you say. Put words and actions together to encourage resiliency.

Peers have a strong pull on children actions contrary to what your teenager tries to tell you. Be aware of who they are interacting with and work to know your children’s friends and their family, if possible. You don’t have to ban a friend you feel is the best influence on your child but you can talk with your them your concerns and offer suggestions on how to set boundaries and stand up for themselves and what they believe in.

Start with emotions. The more you validate and empathize with your child the stronger their conscience development. A strong moral compass will help your child overcome tough circumstances and follow the right path. This way you don’t have to be hovering over their shoulder every minute. If your child handles a situation poorly or makes a wrong decision, be empathic but encourage them to try again. Isn’t this how we all learn? Focusing on your child’s emotional awareness will produce more resilient people. about changes in behavior and encourage your child’s friends to be at your home and offer your supervision over them. Children with high emotional awareness will be more resilient people.

Young children will need to increase their emotional vocabulary. Label feelings, explore different feelings, validate positive and uncomfortable emotions. Make feelings ok and don’t push them down or brush them off but don’t over focus on them. A good healthy, emotional balance translates into greater resiliency.

Older children can have more complex conversations about feelings and social situations. Don’t shy away from cultural discussions and world situations. Use them to explore thoughts and ideas, helping the older child to see all sides of an issue. A more open-minded approach will rap children who have better judgment and compassion.

You can learn more about resiliency by consulting with Ron Huxley through a free online course at FamilyHealer.tv or schedule a session today.

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Are you in a mood?

How’s your mood? Is it cheerful, irritable, fearful, or optimistic? Does your mood change from day to day, or is it relatively constant? Do you find that your mood creates problems in your relationship at home, school, or work?

When someone asks you how your mood is doing, it’s usually not because your mood is cheery and light, right? Someone has noticed a change in your attitude or demeanor. Perhaps this has been going on for some time, or it changes from day to day. People often get offended by this question precisely because of their negative feelings. It can feel like criticism or a put-down like you are a problem to them. But asking about your mood may be an attempt for others to understand what is going on. They may want to help but don’t know how difficult it is to explain when you are unsure about what is happening!

No one wants to feel sad or grumpy. We want to be happier, optimistic, open to new experiences, and deeply connected to others. That is not always the reality. Some people may not shake their negative moods, no matter how hard they try. Is this your situation?

If you could flip a switch on your mood, you would, wouldn’t you? It is hard to have a greater thought than your most intense feeling.

Let Ron Huxley help you today!

What is a “mood”?

A mood is an affective state that can last for days, months, or even a lifetime. In contrast to emotions or feelings, moods are not as intense, may reflect a general state of mind, or, if persistent, become descriptive of your personality. Moods aren’t usually swayed by external events, or not for very long. You might be intensely happy about a job promotion or getting an “A” on a test, but you quickly return to feeling angry or sad. What happened? There is no reason to feel this way. The reason is due to the nature of mood.

We describe the mood as an attitude, spirit, temper, tenor, disposition, tendency, or character. A parent might say that their teenager is “in a mood.” A spouse might tell a friend, “don’t bother him right now; he’s in one of his moods.” It can also be a way to describe a strong desire or craving, as in, “I am in the mood for ice cream” or, like the famous song states: “I am in the mood for love.”

Creative works of art can be said to have a mood. Masterful literature or film has light, cheery, or dark moods and is somber in tone. The story, song, or painting might be reflective, gloomy, romantic, mysterious, calm, hopeful, angry, fearful, tense, or lonely. These works of art resonate with our current mood. Comfort can be found in a book, movie, or lyric. Soundtracks give scenes in a film a mood that creates tension, fear, and drama.

We are so moody or easily swayed in our moods because human beings are hardwired social-emotional creatures. Moods can be contagious and quickly picked up by being around someone else who is in a different mood than us. A dark and depressing mood can promptly shift the atmosphere of the room. You weren’t depressed before you walked into the room, but now, one second later, you are. We think we are “bipolar,” but this is just being social-emotional creatures.

Test this out: the next time you have a sudden mood switch, look around you and notice who is in the room and how they are acting? You might spot the culprit giving off negative vibes that you are picking up.

Take a deep breath of relief and let your confusion and negative energy on. Breathe in and tell yourself: “the feeling is not about me,” and on the exhale, release it. Want this means about yourself is that you are empathic and sensitive, two wonderful human traits.

As a therapist with three decades of experience working with people with mood disorders and trauma, I have discovered some practical tools to help “flip the switch.” Schedule a session today!

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Want to reduce stress? Get some sleep

If you don’t get the right amount of sleep, your mind cannot be at its best. You won’t function properly and may make some serious mistakes. Unfortunately, stress can cause people to stay awake at night. However, getting the right amount of sleep can help eventually reduce your stress levels.

To get better sleep, start exercising on a regular basis. While exercise may give you energy throughout the day, when you go to bed at night, it will help you to sleep better. You will have a quality sleep as well. Some people find that exercising in the evening causes them to be wired, and they can’t get to sleep. If you fall into this camp of people, consider doing your exercising in the morning. This way, you’ll use that energy burst throughout the day and will give you time to become tired.

Try to avoid using alcohol in excess. Although this seems counterintuitive as alcohol makes you sleepy, it causes you to fall into a deep sleep. You then wake up in the middle of the night and have a difficult time getting back to sleep. Without the alcohol, your sleep will be more even and allow you to sleep throughout the night. If you feel you must have alcohol, don’t have more than one drink.

See a doctor if you have sleeping problems that persist. Not getting enough sleep can lead to a decline in your health. Sleep recharges the body and allows it to function properly, including building up antibodies to fight off diseases. When you are deprived of sleep, a bunch of problems can arise because of it.

Hopefully, if you do resort to seeing a doctor, he will find solutions that are not drug-dependent. This may help your sleep problems in the short term but doesn’t do much to fix the reason why you are not getting sleep. Press your doctor for alternative solutions if drugs are being prescribed.

Consider learning meditation as that can relax the mind. It’s much easier to get good sleep when the mind is relaxed than when it is thinking about all the problems you are facing. Meditation won’t solve those problems. But, getting to sleep can help you to come up with solutions faster.

Eating at the proper times during the day and eating the right kinds of foods, can help you to sleep better at night, as well. If you have a heavy meal right before you are going to bed, you could suffer from indigestion, which will not lead to a good sleep at all.