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Does your child seem like a “Square Peg in a Round Hole”?

When Your Child Doesn’t Seem to “Fit”: Understanding and Supporting Neurodivergent Kids

Picture trying to fit a square block into a round hole in a shape sorter. No matter how hard you push or turn it, it just won’t fit. This is how many neurodivergent children feel every day in schools, social situations, and even at home. These are the kids who might have ADHD or autism or simply think and experience the world differently than most. But here’s the thing – they’re not broken blocks that need reshaping. They’re unique individuals who need the right space to shine.

“Why Can’t My Child Just…?”

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Why can’t my child just follow simple directions?” or “Why do they struggle with things other kids find easy?” you’re not alone. Dr. Ross Greene, who has worked with countless families, puts it beautifully: “Kids do well if they can.” This simple but powerful idea turns traditional thinking on its head. When our children struggle, it’s not because they’re being difficult – it’s because something in their environment doesn’t match their needs or abilities.

It’s Not About Trying Harder

Consider asking someone nearsighted to “just try harder” to see clearly. Sounds ridiculous, right? Yet we often expect neurodivergent kids to “try harder” to fit into situations that aren’t designed for their way of thinking or processing information.

Robyn Gobbel, who specializes in helping parents better understand their children, explains that connecting with our kids is more important than trying to correct their behavior. When children feel understood and supported, they’re much more likely to develop the skills they need to navigate challenging situations.

Your Child’s Brain: A Different Kind of Beautiful

Dr. Daniel Siegel helps us understand that every child’s brain develops in its own unique way. Just like some people are naturally artistic while others are mathematical, neurodivergent children have unique ways of thinking and learning. Instead of seeing this as a problem to fix, we can view it as a different kind of gift to nurture.

Making Room for All Shapes

So, how can we help our square pegs thrive in a world full of round holes? Here are some practical ideas:

  • Create “just right” challenges: Break big tasks into smaller, manageable pieces
  • Look for the message behind the behavior: When your child struggles, ask, “What’s making this hard?” instead of “Why won’t they cooperate?”
  • Celebrate different ways of doing things: Maybe your child needs to move while learning or draw while listening.
  • Trust your instincts. You know your child best. If something isn’t working, it’s okay to try a different approach.

A New Way Forward

Instead of trying to make our children fit into spaces that weren’t designed for them, we can work on creating spaces that welcome all kinds of minds. This might mean:

  • Talking with teachers about flexible learning options
  • Finding activities where your child’s unique traits are strengths, not challenges
  • Connecting with other parents who understand your journey
  • Most importantly, helping your child understand that different isn’t wrong – it’s just different

The Real Goal

The goal isn’t to turn square pegs into round ones. It’s to create a world where all shapes are welcomed and valued. Your child isn’t a problem to solve – they’re a person to understand and support.

Recommended Resources

For parents wanting to learn more:

  1. “The Explosive Child” by Dr. Ross Greene
  • Learn about collaborative problem-solving and working with your child instead of against them
  1. “Lost at School” by Dr. Ross Greene
  • Understanding how to advocate for your child in educational settings
  1. “The Whole-Brain Child” by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson
  • Practical strategies for understanding your child’s development and behavior
  1. “Beyond Behaviors” by Mona Delahooke
  • Understanding and helping children with behavioral challenges
  1. “Building the Bonds of Attachment” by Daniel Hughes
  • Insights into connection-based parenting approaches

Online Resources:

Remember, you’re not alone on this journey. These resources are here to support both you and your child as you navigate this path together.

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When Kids Cheat on Their Schoolwork: Understanding and Prevention

Student cheating has become increasingly prevalent, with various factors contributing to this concerning trend. Understanding why children resort to academic dishonesty and implementing practical tools can help parents address this issue effectively.

Why Kids Cheat

Pressure to Succeed

Many students are pressured to achieve high grades and meet societal expectations. This pressure can make them prioritize grades over learning, causing them to seek shortcuts through cheating.

Poor Time Management

Students often struggle with balancing multiple assignments and personal commitments. Without proper time management skills, they may resort to cheating as a quick solution to complete their work.

Lack of Interest

Students who don’t find the subject matter engaging or relevant to their future goals may be more inclined to cheat rather than invest time and effort in learning.

Technological Accessibility

The widespread use of smartphones and internet access has made cheating more accessible and tempting for students. With answers readily available online, the line between research and plagiarism can become blurred.

Peer Influence

Students may feel pressured to cheat when they see their peers doing so, fearing they’ll be disadvantaged if they don’t participate.

Practical Tools for Parents

Foster Open Communication

Create an environment where your child feels comfortable discussing academic challenges without fear of judgment. This can help address underlying issues before they lead to cheating.

Teach Time Management Skills

Help your child develop effective scheduling habits using planners or digital tools to break tasks into manageable steps. This can reduce the likelihood of last-minute panic and temptation to cheat.

Emphasize Learning Over Grades

Encourage your child to focus on the learning process rather than just the end result. Praise effort and progress instead of solely rewarding high grades.

Discuss Academic Integrity

Have open conversations about the importance of honesty and the long-term consequences of cheating. Help your child understand that integrity is more valuable than a perfect score.

Collaborate with Teachers

Stay in touch with your child’s teachers to understand assignment expectations and areas where your child might struggle. This allows you to provide targeted support at home.

Limit Technology During Study Time

Create designated study areas with limited access to smartphones or unnecessary internet use. This can help minimize distractions and reduce the temptation to seek easy answers online[2].

Seeking Help

Let your child know it’s okay to ask for help when struggling. Whether from you, their teachers, or tutors, seeking assistance is a better alternative to cheating.

By implementing these strategies and maintaining open dialogue, parents can play a crucial role in fostering academic integrity and helping their children develop strong ethical values that extend beyond the classroom.

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“Praise That Empowers: Rethinking How We Encourage Our Kids”

A Moment of Meaningful Praise

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and the kitchen was filled with the delightful aroma of pancakes sizzling on the stove. Eight-year-old Mia was sitting at the table, her brow furrowed in concentration as she carefully colored a picture of a butterfly for her school project.

As her mother, Sarah, flipped the pancakes, she glanced over and noticed Mia’s intense focus. Instead of the usual “Good job!” that might have slipped out in the past, Sarah paused momentarily, reflecting on what she saw.

“Mia,” she called gently, “can you tell me about the colors you chose for your butterfly?”

Mia looked up, her eyes sparkling with enthusiasm. “I wanted it to look like the sunset, so I used orange, pink, and purple. Butterflies can be so colorful!”

Sarah smiled, feeling the warmth of pride swell in her chest. “I love that idea! You’ve really captured the beauty of a sunset. The way you blended those colors together shows how creative you are. It makes me excited to see how it will turn out!”

Mia beamed at the compliment, her confidence visibly growing. “Thanks, Mom! I’m trying to make it the best I can!”

As they continued their breakfast, Sarah felt grateful for the moment. By focusing on Mia’s effort and creativity, she was not only encouraging her daughter’s artistic skills but also fostering a sense of pride in her work.

Later that day, when Mia proudly presented her completed butterfly at school, she felt a sense of accomplishment from knowing her hard work was recognized and valued. And Sarah, reflecting on their morning, realized that this kind of meaningful praise would help Mia build a strong foundation of self-esteem and motivation for years to come.

We’ve all been there—your child shows you a drawing, and you automatically respond with a cheerful “Good job!” But what if there’s a better way to encourage our children? Recent research suggests that praise can significantly impact a child’s development, motivation, and self-esteem.

The Problem with Generic Praise

While well-intentioned, phrases like “good boy” or “good girl” can be counterproductive. These generic compliments:

  • Lack of specificity, leaving children unsure about what exactly they did well
  • Encourage external validation rather than intrinsic motivation
  • It may reinforce gender stereotypes or exclusivity

The Art of Effective Praise

Instead of relying on catch-all phrases, try these strategies:

  1. Be specific: “I love how you used different colors in your drawing!”
  2. Focus on effort: “You worked really hard on that puzzle!”
  3. Highlight process: “You found a creative way to solve that problem!”
  4. Encourage growth: “You’re getting better at tying your shoes daily!”

Why It Matters

Effective praise:

  • Boosts self-esteem and confidence
  • Encourages persistence and resilience
  • Fosters a growth mindset
  • Improves parent-child communication

Putting It into Practice

Next time your child accomplishes something, take a moment to consider your response. Instead of a quick “good job,” try something like, “I noticed you helped your sister without being asked. That was very thoughtful of you!”

Remember, the goal isn’t to praise constantly but to make your praise meaningful when you do give it. By being specific, genuine, and focused on effort, you’ll nurture your child’s growth and development in powerful ways.

References for Further Reading:

  1. Dweck, C. S. (2017). Mindset: Changing The Way You Think To Fulfil Your Potential. Robinson.
  2. Kohn, A. (2001). Five Reasons to Stop Saying “Good Job!”. Young Children, 56(5), 24-28.
  3. Henderlong, J., & Lepper, M. R. (2002). The effects of praise on children’s intrinsic motivation: A review and synthesis. Psychological Bulletin, 128(5), 774-795.
  4. Gunderson, E. A., et al. (2013). Parent Praise to 1- to 3-Year-Olds Predicts Children’s Motivational Frameworks 5 Years Later. Child Development, 84(5), 1526-1541.
  5. Podcast: “The Parenting Junkie Show” – Episode on Effective Praise
  6. Video: TED Talk by Carol Dweck – “The power of believing that you can improve”

By rethinking how we praise our children, we can help them develop resilience, motivation, and a lifelong love of learning. It’s a small change that can make a big difference in your child’s life.

Citations:
[1] https://evergreenpsychotherapycenter.com/the-dos-and-donts-of-praising-your-child/
[2] https://www.parentingforbrain.com/words-of-encouragement-for-kids/
[3] https://parentingscience.com/effects-of-praise/
[4] https://mybrightwheel.com/blog/effective-praise
[5] https://sarahockwell-smith.com/2018/09/14/why-saying-good-boy-or-good-girl-is-not-a-good-thing/
[6] https://www.understood.org/en/articles/ways-praise-can-empower-kids-learning-differences
[7] https://centerforcbt.org/2020/09/25/labeledpraise/
[8] https://amotherfarfromhome.com/use-phrases-good-girl-good-boy-well/

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How to Focus When You Have ADHD

Parenting a child with ADHD can present its own unique challenges, especially when it comes to helping them focus on tasks and activities. ADHD, or attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, can make it difficult for children to concentrate and stay on track, but there are strategies that parents can use to help their child improve their focus and attention. Here are some tips on how to help your child focus when they have ADHD.

  1. Create a structured routine: Children with ADHD thrive on structure and routine. Establishing a consistent daily schedule can help them know what to expect and when, which can in turn help them stay focused on tasks. Set specific times for waking up, meals, homework, and bedtime, and try to stick to this routine as much as possible.
  2. Break tasks into smaller steps: Large tasks can be overwhelming for children with ADHD, making it difficult for them to focus. Break down tasks into smaller, more manageable steps, and provide clear instructions for each step. This can help your child stay on track and feel a sense of accomplishment as they complete each step.
  3. Minimize distractions: Create a quiet, clutter-free environment for your child to work on tasks. Minimize distractions by turning off the TV, removing toys or other items that may be distracting, and finding a quiet space for your child to focus. Consider using noise-cancelling headphones or white noise machines to help block out distractions.
  4. Use visual aids: Visual aids, such as charts, checklists, and timers, can help children with ADHD stay focused and organized. Use visual schedules to help your child understand what needs to be done and when, and use timers to help them stay on track and manage their time effectively.
  5. Provide positive reinforcement: Positive reinforcement can be a powerful motivator for children with ADHD. Offer praise and rewards when your child can stay focused and complete tasks. This can help build their confidence and encourage them to continue working on their focus and attention skills.
  6. Encourage physical activity: Regular physical activity can help children with ADHD release excess energy and improve their ability to focus. Encourage your child to engage in activities they enjoy, such as sports, dance, or outdoor play. Exercise can help improve attention and concentration, so make sure your child has opportunities to be active every day.
  7. Seek professional help: If you are struggling to help your child focus, consider seeking support from a professional. A pediatrician, psychologist, or other mental health professional can provide guidance and support for managing ADHD symptoms and improving focus and attention.

Parenting a child with ADHD can be challenging, but by implementing these strategies, you can help your child improve their focus and attention. Remember to be patient and understanding, and seek support when needed. With the right support and strategies in place, children with ADHD can learn to focus and succeed in their daily activities.

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Your Beautiful, Wonderful, Broken Brain: Understanding Trauma-Informed Care

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Please join us for the 9th Annual Child Abuse Prevention Academy, a training for students, professionals, and community members.
​
Brought to you in partnership with Center for Family Strengthening and Cuesta College.​

Participants will:

  • learn how to report incidents of suspected child abuse,
  • understand what occurs after a report,
  • understand the role and funtion of the brain in Trauma-Informed Care
  • learn to recognize the effects of trauma on the brain, behavior and development
  • explore primary strategies for healing trauma in the lives of children and adults.

Presenter: Lisa Fraser, Executive Director, Center for Family Strengthening, the San Luis Obispo County Child Abuse Prevention Council

Guest Speaker: Ron Huxley, LMFT will share,
The Beautiful, Wonderful, Broken Brain: Understanding Trauma-Informed Care.

Noted child and familiy therapist, speaker, and blogger Ron Huxley has worked in several systems of care, including community-based mental health, child therapy clinics, wraparound, County mental health, private psychotherapy practice, and faith-based counseling/coaching services. He has certifications in various clinical evidence-based and promising practices: EMDR, Incredible Years, Family Wellness, Love & Logic, S.T.E.P. (Systematic Training for Effective Parenting), TheraPlay, Love After Marriage, and Developmental Dyadic Psychotherapy (attachment-focused family therapy).

Student participants are urged to attend and will receive a Certificate of Participation. The training is free, but preregistration is required. Register here!

When

Friday April 28, 2017. 9:00am – 12pm
Add to Calendar

Where

Cuesta College Student Auditorium – #5401
 CA-1, San Luis Obispo, CA, CA 93403

Free Parking  Lot #2

For More Information, Contact:

Center for Family Strengthening
805-543-6216
support@cfsslo.org  

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Clinical competencies for the effective treatment of foster children

Source: http://ccp.sagepub.com/content/21/1/32?etoc

Abstract

Despite a high level of documented mental health needs among children who have experienced foster care, research indicates that treatment outcomes are often disappointing. In order to improve outcomes, evidence-based treatments for attachment, trauma and behavioral difficulties are often promoted for this population. However, little research exists on whether or not those interventions effectively address the unique and complex mental health needs of many foster children. While a rather robust literature exists on foster children’s multifaceted difficulties, most treatments do not fully represent that range and complexity in their interventions. This article attempts to begin to fill that gap by outlining the knowledge and skills clinicians must acquire if they are to effectively treat foster children. Treatment of foster children should be seen as a subspecialty within the field of child mental health, and trainings that help clinicians gain more knowledge of foster children’s unique needs should be more available.

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It is unfortunate how people make a mistake and then believe that they are a mistake. Our behaviors are not our identity. Making mistakes simply means that you are human. There is no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect child. You are a professional mistake maker. 

The challenge comes from learning from our mistakes so we can minimize them in our lives and possibly, grow stronger from that process. 

Parenting Action Thought: What mistakes have your made lately? What can you learn from this mistake? What can you do differently next time to avoid it from happening in that same way? 

If you don’t know the answer to the last question, who can you contact for extra support? 

Try our Micro-Education for more quick and convenient help to your challenging parenting issues.