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Ron’s Reading: Keep Your Love On: Connection Communication And Boundaries
by Danny Silk
One of the most common aggravations experienced by parents is the “power struggle”. It usually happens when the parent has to get to work or needs to finish dinner or help the child with their homework. Right in the middle of this urgent time, the child decides to exercise their will and demand a treat or refuse to put on their shoes or wants to argue about some topic they really don’t know anything about. Regardless of the circumstance, the outcome is two yelling, arguing, snorting, bug-eyed people who just want the other person to do what they want them to do. No fun for anyone!
Why does this happen so often in families? Danny Silk is one of my favorite authors and I recommend his books to many of the parents I work with in family therapy or parenting workshops. In his book: “Keeping Your Love On: Connections, Communication & Boundaries” he shares how a family is a group of powerful people who are trying to learn how to live in powerful ways. He writes: “If you heard someone described as a powerful person, you might assume he or she would be the loudest person in the room, the one telling everyone else what to do. But powerful does not mean dominating. In fact, a controlling, dominating person is the very opposite of a powerful person. Powerful people do not try to control other people. They know it doesn’t work, and it’s not their job. Their job is to control themselves.”
The trick, for parents, is not to demand respect but to create a respectful environment where non-respect, talking back and control simple can’t exist. Their just isn’t enough oxygen for those negative elements to survive. Learning how to be a powerful and responsible person is one of the most important tasks of parenting.
You can get more information (and read along with me) on Danny’s book here: Keep Your Love On: Connection Communication And Boundaries
(affiliate link).
What else is Ron reading? Click here to see…
Fight Now or Fix Later? A Parenting Tool to Manage Defiant Behavior
By Ron Huxley, LMFT
Parents can diffuse defiance by delaying actions or a response. Conflict is inevitable in a family. Parents and children will not always see things eye-to-eye and arguments may pop up. If this becomes a regular hassle, this may mean that children are starting to consider it a game for how to guarantee mom or dad’s attention. Of course, it is negative attention, but that can make it all the more challenging to eliminate.
Who says that mom or dad have to fight with the child? Why do you HAVE to reply to talking back or rude comments or annoying demands right now? A favorite Love and Logic tool of mine is Delaying Replies. Instead of fighting now, say: “I love you too much to argue with you…” or “I will have to do something about this behavior or attitude but not right now.” Delaying allows parents to cool off and consider a consequence or reply in a clear headed way and gather the support of the other parent.
Try this Parenting Tool next time your child is defiant with you:
Parenting With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition)
(affiliate link)
What else is Ron reading? Click here to see…
Telling your kids to be better, do better, and get more motivated may not make them want to be better, do better, or be more motivated.
If your child tends to do the opposite of what you’re trying to get them to do, try telling them what you already love about them, what you appreciate about what they’re doing now, and talk about their dreams and hopes.
Understanding Attachment Theory
Understanding Attachment Theory – infogram
Dream Parenting: Act/React or Act/Counteract?
Parenting can be considered a dance where two people, one big and one little, move in response to one another. Usually, there is one person in the lead and one person who follows. In families, it can be unclear who is leading. At times it is alright if a child leads but in the long run, parents must be in charge if the family is going to get the most out of their relationships. In order to do this, parents may need to redefine how they choose their dance steps.
Try this new step: Instead of act vs react, try act vs counter act. Parents tend to react toward a child’s mis-reaction and this almost always ends in frustrated dancers. Don’t react to a child’s actions. Plan a counter action. Problems are predictable in that they will come up day after day after day. If what you tried to do (react) today doesn’t work, you can plan a counter act for tomorrow because the problem will be ready for you again. Parents can have a lot of practice with their new steps until it feels comfortable and natural.
Parents don’t like the idea of act vs counter act because it sounds like a lot of work. It can be but it isn’t as frustrating as dancing the steps of act vs reaction. Parents will dislike that outcome even more. The key to dancing successfully is to be consistent with your counter action to your child’s action. Don’t fall back into the reaction with yelling, threatening or giving in. Try questioning, letting natural consequences be there own teacher or redirecting the child’s misbehaviors. There are many ideas available for counter action. Be creative. Do the opposite of what you usually do. Let the other parent cut in and take the lead in the dance when on is too tired. Sing your request, say nothing at all or whisper instead of lecturing. Do time in instead of time out. Or, just go walk the dog.
Dream Parenting Project: I Choose You
All families have disagreements and fights. It is easy to get into polar opposition toward one another and the result can be feelings of hurt and loss. How do you build a dream family when these painful elements exist? You make a choice! You choose one another despite the hurts. Of course, you work to change that negative atmosphere and you must have boundaries and even consequences for certain behaviors but you still make a choice to connect. Take a moment today to tell a family member: “I choose you.” If it is not safe to say it aloud, at least, say it to yourself when you are thinking about that person and how they wronged you. Again, set good boundaries and make positive, safe behavioral choices but make a choice to connect by taking your will to task and declaring: “I choose you."
Dreaming is difficult when we have had disappointments. We can give up on our dreams for a healthier, happier family because it hurts too much to put our hearts out there again. Living without a dream is a dry, empty place to be as well. What is the answer? Must you take a risk again and be hurt again? That might be the answer for some but not for others. Take a risk to look at the dream itself. What was it that birthed it in the first place? How can you take parts of it and pursue hope in that direction if you feel the direction you have been going is shut? Who can be your audience of appreciation for your efforts and support you in your new journey? Maybe a new dream needs birthing that meets the underlying need of the original dream. The point is, don’t give up dreaming just because one dream, for your family, has stopped. Mourn the loss of it but allow life to bring you a new one…
Ron Huxley LMFT 