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Co-Parenting After Divorce: A Journey of Love and Growth

Divorce is never an easy journey, especially when children are involved. But fear not, because we’re here to share some insights, tips, and a sprinkle of humor to make this co-parenting adventure a little smoother. Grab a cuppa, sit back, and let’s dive into the world of divorced and co-parenting parents!

  1. The Importance of Communication: Remember, communication is key! To keep things running smoothly, it’s crucial to establish open and honest lines of communication with your ex-partner. Check out books like “Co-Parenting with a Toxic Ex” by Amy J.L. Baker and Paul R. Fine for strategies on effective communication.
  2. Embracing Flexibility: Being flexible is crucial in co-parenting. Life is unpredictable, and plans may change. Books like “The Co-Parents’ Handbook” by Karen Bonnell and Kristin Little can guide you in creating a flexible co-parenting schedule that works for both parties.
  3. Prioritizing the Children: The well-being of our children should always be our top priority. Books like “Mom’s House, and Dad’s House” by Isolina Ricci provide insights on creating a nurturing environment for kids in a co-parenting setup. Remember, your children deserve love and stability from both parents.
  4. Managing Conflict: Let’s face it, conflicts happen. However, it’s important to handle them maturely and respectfully. Consider reading “The High-Conflict Co-Parenting Survival Guide” by Megan Hunter and Andrea LaRochelle for strategies for navigating difficult situations and minimizing conflict.
  5. Self-Care for Co-Parents: Don’t forget to take care of yourself! Co-parenting can be demanding, so it’s essential to prioritize self-care. Books like “Co-Parenting Works!: Helping Your Children Thrive After Divorce” by Tammy G. Daughtry offer valuable advice on self-care practices and maintaining your own well-being.
  6. Building a Support Network: Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends, family, or support groups. Books like “The Co-Parenting Survival Guide” by Elizabeth S. Thayer and Jeffrey Zimmerman provide insights into building a strong support system and finding like-minded individuals who can offer guidance and empathy.

Co-parenting after divorce can be challenging, but it’s also an opportunity for personal growth and creating a nurturing environment for our children. By prioritizing open communication, flexibility, and self-care, we can navigate this journey with grace and love. Remember, no one is perfect, but with the right mindset and resources, we can make co-parenting a fulfilling experience for ourselves and our children.

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Guidelines for Reconciliation with Estranged Adult Children

The following guidebook is designed for estranged adult children. The concepts can apply to younger children, but every case, no matter what age, must be considered when using these steps:

Step 1: Understanding Estrangement

Experiencing estrangement from an adult child can be a devastating and isolating experience for any parent. However, to reconcile and rebuild the relationship, it’s crucial to take a step back and understand the reasons behind the estrangement. As Susan Forward, author of “Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life,” states:

“Understanding the reasons behind our adult child’s estrangement is essential. We must take responsibility for our part in the situation, whether it’s a failure to listen or prioritize our child’s feelings or engaging in toxic behaviors that have caused pain and harm.”

Taking responsibility for one’s actions and being open to understanding the perspective of the estranged adult child is a crucial step toward healing the relationship. Seeking professional help from a therapist can also be beneficial in processing emotions and improving communication skills. As noted by Forward:

“Therapy can provide a safe space for parents to explore their own behaviors and patterns that may have contributed to the estrangement and learn new communication skills to rebuild the relationship.”

For example, a mother may realize through therapy that her behavior of prioritizing her own needs over her daughter’s feelings caused the rift between them. Through therapy, she can learn to listen better and validate her daughter’s emotions, leading to a healthier and more positive relationship.

It’s important to note that estrangement can sometimes result from trauma, such as childhood abuse or neglect. In such cases, a trauma-informed approach is necessary to heal the relationship. As Dr. Támara Hill, a licensed therapist and trauma specialist, states:

“Estrangement can be a protective mechanism for adult children who have experienced trauma at the hands of their parents. Trauma-informed care is essential to help the parent and adult child work through the pain and trauma and rebuild their relationship with trust and safety.”

Step 2: Self-Care for Parents

Taking care of yourself is an important part of maintaining healthy relationships, especially when dealing with estrangement from an adult child. It is crucial to prioritize your emotional, physical, and mental health. As Melody Beattie wrote in “Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself,” “Caring for yourself is not self-indulgence; it is self-preservation.”

Setting healthy boundaries is crucial to self-care, mainly when dealing with an estranged adult child. According to researcher and psychologist Brene Brown, “Boundaries are the most loving things we can do for ourselves and the people in our lives.” Boundaries can help you maintain a healthy relationship with your adult child while protecting your emotional well-being.

Finding support is another important component of self-care. This can include seeking help from a therapist, joining a support group, or leaning on friends and family for support. As author Anne Lamott wrote, “Almost everything will work if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.” You can step back and focus on your needs by reaching out for support.

For example, a father struggling with depression and anxiety may prioritize self-care by practicing meditation and seeking therapy. He sets boundaries with his estranged daughter by telling her he won’t tolerate abusive language. This approach allows the father to care for himself and may also improve the relationship with his daughter.

Step 3: Communication Skills

When it comes to reconnecting with estranged adult children, communication is key. Developing active listening and assertive communication skills is crucial to building a healthy relationship. In “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life,” author Marshall B. Rosenberg emphasizes the importance of compassionate communication. He suggests expressing feelings and needs rather than criticizing or blaming others.

It’s essential to approach communication with your adult child without placing blame or being critical. Sincerely apologizing when necessary can also help to rebuild trust and show that you are taking responsibility for your actions. As Rosenberg notes, “The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said.”

Here’s a clinical example of effective communication in action: A mother practices active listening by empathetically repeating her son’s concerns to show she understands. She refrains from criticizing his life choices and takes responsibility for any mistakes made in the past.

Other helpful resources on effective communication include “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High” by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler, and “Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most” by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen.

By developing active listening and assertive communication skills, you can begin to rebuild a healthy relationship with your adult child. Remember to approach communication with compassion, empathy, and a willingness to take responsibility for your actions.

Step 4: Reaching Out to Your Adult Child

Reconnecting with an estranged adult child can be challenging and emotional, but taking the initiative and expressing your desire to reconnect is essential. As noted by Beverly Engel in “The Power of Apology: Healing Steps to Transform All Your Relationships,” “a sincere apology can be one of the most powerful tools we have for healing a broken relationship.” However, respecting your child’s boundaries and giving them the required space is crucial.

Sending a letter or email can be an effective way to initiate a reconnection. As noted by Tina Gilbertson in “Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child: Practical Tips and Tools to Heal Your Relationship,” “Writing a letter can allow the person to express themselves more thoroughly and thoughtfully than in a conversation.” In the letter, acknowledge your past mistakes and express your desire to reconnect. It’s essential to avoid blame or criticism and focus on your feelings and emotions.

After sending the letter, you must respect your child’s boundaries and give them the required space. As noted by Susan Forward in “Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life,” “Children who feel trapped, controlled, or suffocated will distance themselves from the parent who is responsible.” Refrain from pressuring your child to reconcile and allow them to reach out to you in their own time.

Initiating a reconnection with your estranged adult child requires taking the initiative and expressing your desire to reconnect, respecting their boundaries, and giving them the space they require. As noted by Engel, “It is never too late to apologize, no matter how long it has been or how great the offense.”

Step 5: Repairing the Relationship

Mending a damaged relationship with your adult child requires patience, persistence, and a focus on building trust through positive experiences. Dr. Gary Chapman, author of “The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts,” emphasizes the importance of building a strong emotional connection through positive experiences. He suggests that people “focus on what the other person needs, rather than what they think they should give.”

The same concept applies when attempting to reconnect with an estranged adult child. Rather than dwelling on past issues, create new positive experiences together. This can involve participating in shared interests, such as hiking, cooking, or other activities that foster a sense of togetherness.

If necessary, seeking the guidance of a therapist or mediator can also be helpful. According to Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship expert, “Therapy can provide a safe space for you and your partner to work through conflicts, learn new skills, and build a stronger relationship.” This applies to parent-child relationships as well.

It’s also important to be patient and persistent in rebuilding the relationship. Dr. Sue Johnson, author of “Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love,” emphasizes that “rebuilding trust takes time.” It’s important to acknowledge that healing takes time and effort and to stay committed to the process.

When attempting to mend a damaged relationship with your adult child, focus on building trust through positive experiences, seek the guidance of a therapist or mediator if necessary, and be patient and persistent in your efforts. As Dr. Chapman states, “Love is a choice you make every day.”

Step 6: Coping with Disappointment and Loss

Healing from estrangement with an adult child is not always possible, and it is essential to come to terms with this reality. Accepting this outcome can be incredibly difficult, but it can also bring about closure and pave the way for healing. Instead of fixating on the lost relationship, focusing on finding meaning in other areas of life is crucial.

Finding support from a therapist or support group can help process the grief and emotions that come with this kind of loss. As John W. James and Russell Friedman state in “The Grief Recovery Handbook,”: “Grief is the normal and natural emotional response to loss. It is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of, or change in, a familiar pattern of behavior.” Processing these feelings is vital in moving beyond grief and finding a new purpose.

In some cases, accepting the reality of estrangement can lead to finding meaning in new relationships and activities. As stated in “Meaning in Life and Why It Matters” by Susan Wolf, “Meaning arises from loving and caring connections to others, from work that has some purpose beyond the self, from belonging to and serving something bigger than the self.” Volunteering, building new friendships, and pursuing new hobbies can all contribute to finding meaning and purpose outside of the lost relationship.

Accepting the possibility of irreparable estrangement is a complex but necessary step in the healing process. Seeking support, processing grief, and finding new meaning in life can all contribute to moving beyond the pain and finding a new purpose.

Get help with your estranged relationship by scheduling an appointment today with Ron Huxley, LMFT.

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Asserting Your Child Custody Rights: How to Deal with a Challenging Ex-Spouse.

Regarding divorce, child custody is often one of the most contentious issues couples face. Disagreements about custody arrangements can be emotional and heated, especially when one parent is trying to manipulate or change the agreement at the last minute. This common hot-button issue can make an already difficult situation even more challenging for parents and children.

Let’s take the example of Tom and Jane. They have two children, and after their divorce, they agreed to split custody equally. However, Jane frequently tries to change the custody arrangement at the last minute, making it difficult for Tom to plan his schedule and causing tension between them. Tom wants to be assertive and stick to the agreed-upon arrangement, but he doesn’t want to create conflict or upset his children.

If you find yourself in a situation similar to Tom and Jane’s, it’s important to remember that there are ways to handle custody disputes effectively without causing unnecessary conflict. Here are some tips to help you be assertive around your child custody while dealing with a challenging ex-spouse:

  1. Focus on the child’s best interests. Custody arrangements should prioritize the child’s needs and well-being above everything else. When discussing custody issues with your ex-spouse, focus on what is best for your child rather than getting caught up in your desires or feelings.
  2. Create a detailed custody plan. Having a clear, detailed custody plan in place can help both parents to understand their roles and responsibilities and make it easier to stick to the agreed-upon arrangement. This plan should include specific dates and times for custody exchanges, as well as guidelines for how decisions about the child will be made.
  3. Communicate assertively. When discussing custody issues with your ex-spouse, it’s essential to be clear and direct about your concerns and expectations. State why the change is not possible or practical, and set firm boundaries to protect your child’s best interests. It’s important to remember that assertiveness does not mean aggression, and being respectful in your communication can help to keep the conversation constructive.
  4. Seek mediation. In cases where communication breaks down or one parent is being challenged, mediation can be an effective way to resolve disputes and come to a mutually agreeable solution. A mediator can help both parents to communicate effectively, identify their underlying concerns, and work together to find a solution that works for everyone.
  5. Take care of yourself. Going through a divorce and dealing with custody issues can be emotionally challenging for both parents and children. It’s essential to take care of your own emotional well-being, seek support from family and friends, and consider working with a therapist or counselor if necessary.

It’s important to note that there is a difference between aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive communication. Aggressive communication is characterized by focusing on one’s own needs and desires at the expense of others and can involve blaming, attacking, or threatening the other person. Passive-aggressive communication is characterized by an indirect expression of one’s needs and desires, often through sarcasm, procrastination, or withholding information. Assertive communication, on the other hand, is characterized by focusing on clearly and directly expressing one’s needs and desires while respecting the other person’s feelings and perspective. Assertive communication can help to minimize conflict and create healthy communication patterns, even in challenging situations such as divorce and custody arrangements.

Assertiveness checklist for parents dealing with custody issues:

  1. Identify your needs and concerns. Before entering into a conversation about custody arrangements, take some time to identify what you need and your concerns. Write them down if necessary so you can reference them during the conversation.
  2. Use “I” statements. Using “I” statements can help you communicate your thoughts and feelings without blaming or accusing the other person. For example, instead of saying, “You always change the custody schedule at the last minute,” say, “I feel frustrated when the custody schedule is changed at the last minute.”
  3. Stay calm and focused. It’s important to stay calm and focused during the conversation, even if the other person becomes defensive or argumentative. Take deep breaths, stay centered, and remind yourself of your goals for the conversation.
  4. Be clear and specific. Use clear and specific language to communicate your needs and expectations. For example, instead of saying, “I don’t want you to change the custody schedule,” say, “I need us to stick to the agreed-upon custody schedule for the benefit of our child.”
  5. Set boundaries. It’s important to set boundaries around what you are willing and not willing to accept regarding custody arrangements. Communicate your boundaries clearly and calmly, and stick to them.
  6. Listen actively. Active listening is an important part of assertive communication. Make sure to listen to the other person’s perspective without interrupting or getting defensive. Reflect on what they are saying to ensure you understand their position.
  7. Be open to compromise. It’s essential to be open to compromise regarding custody arrangements. Work together to find a solution that meets your needs and is in your child’s best interest.

In conclusion, dealing with custody issues can be challenging and emotional, but it’s essential to prioritize your child’s best interests and be assertive when necessary. By focusing on clear communication, creating a detailed custody plan, seeking mediation, and taking care of yourself, you can navigate custody issues effectively and minimize conflict with your ex-spouse. Remember, your words have power, so use them wisely to improve the situation for everyone involved.

If you’re struggling with custody issues and dealing with a challenging ex-spouse, know that you don’t have to go through it alone. Seeking support from a therapist can help you navigate the emotional challenges of divorce and custody arrangements and develop effective communication and coping skills. Don’t hesitate to schedule a therapy session today to get the help you need to move forward healthily and positively for yourself and your child. Click here to schedule a session with Ron Huxley today!

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Marriage Advice on How To Make Love Last

A good marriage isn’t something you find. You have to make it great, and then you have to keep making it that way. Most people stop working on their marriage right after the honeymoon is over. They get bogged down in work, kids, mortgages, and all the trials of life. If you don’t stay focused on then intimacy in marriage, you will lose it. Here are a few tips to help you keep the flame of love and happiness lit:

Show Them Respect

Every healthy relationship must include respect. Without it, you are doomed to fail. When your partner wants to speak with you, take the time to do so. Don’t mock their words or belittle them in any way. By showing your significant other that you value their thoughts, feelings, time and effort, you will let them know you respect them.

The opposite of respect is contempt or criticism. That is poison to the relationship and part of the “Four Horseman” of the final days of marriage. The other two destructive forces in marriage are stonewalling and defensiveness. These latter two “horseman” refer to emotionally shutting down and overly protecting oneself.

John Gottman, marriage researcher and author states: “Successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts.”

Give Them Priority

Your partner may not always be your number one priority, especially if you had children before you entered the relationship or have another situation that demands a lot of your time. If your partner is always last on your list, though, there will be trouble. Giving your partner at least some priority shows them that you value them.

Marriage needs balance to succeed. After work and kids are gone, couples end up with nothing. Put some time into one another, through date nights, talking after the kids go to bed, enjoying hobbies or activities together, reading, etc. What you do isn’t as important as the fact that you are doing things together.

Have Fun Together

Make time to laugh together. Plan fun activities and do new things together so that you can always remember the experience. Making memories builds bonds. This will give you and your partner good feelings when thinking about one another, because of the great times you have when you are with each other. Fun can involve the children too. Watch funny movies, tell jokes, ask about the highs and lows of the day so marriage and family intimacy deepens.

Have Fun and Show Appreciation to each other!

Learn with Them

Take a class together, or embark on learning a new hobby as a duo. When you stretch your brains in regards to the same subject, it gives you something to talk about. When a couple feels like they are challenging each other and helping each other to become their best, it brings strength to the relationship.

If you are struggling in some area of your relationship this is an excellent topic to read a book on or attend a course. There are thousands of YouTube videos and podcasts. Listen to one on the way to the store or off to visits grandparents. You might discover that one magic idea that causes your relationship to soar.

It has been said that the “capacity to learn is a gift, the ability to learn is a skill, the willingness to learn is a choice” (Brian Herbert).

Maintain Your Individuality

Although time as a unit is important, don’t do absolutely everything together. Give yourself the opportunity to grow your other friendships and hobbies. When you do this, it gives you a break so that you can appreciate each other when you are together, and it also gives you something to talk about.

Women are more likely to connect with friends than men. Developing relationship as a couple and then branching out or reaching out might be something men can work on. Getting involved in men’s groups or sports can be an excellent outlet for men as well.

Express Your Appreciation

Let your partner know that you are grateful for them and who they are. When they have made sacrifices to do something kind for you, write them a thank you card or cook them their favorite meal. Showing your thankfulness and appreciation never goes out of style. The opposite could also be true: Stop showing appreciation for others and they might stop doing the things we appreciate!

Be Creative in Showing Your Love

Say “I love you” to your partner, but don’t stop there. Get creative in the ways that you show your love. Demonstrate it by using your own personal talents through actions such as writing them a poem, making their favourite dessert or composing a song for them. Plan a relaxing vacation weekend or even a one-on-one movie night together at home. It doesn’t take a lot of money to demonstrate that you love your partner.

Gary Chapman wrote a popular book: “The 5 Love Languages”. It outlines how everyone feels most loved in unique ways. We tend to show love in the ways we like to feel loved versus loving them in their own way.

Learn each other’s love language!

The 5 Love Languages include: Words of appreciation, physical touch, gifts, acts of service, and quality time. It is possible to have more than one but learning your partners special way of feeling loved is an act of love in itself. Try taking the online quiz to learn with your spouse at https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language

If you would like more help learning how to make love last, consider talking with Ron Huxley for online couples counseling today.

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Conflictual coparenting is under an illusion

conflictual divorce and coparenting

Conflictual coparenting acts like it is a form of competition but that is an illusion. High levels of conflict has no winners, only losers! Parents fight to one up each other or get revenge for past hurts and this includes the children.

Most mediators, myself included, want parents to put the “best interests of the child” first but this is difficult for parents to do when consumed by anger and resentments. The costs are high, and not just financially with on-going court costs. The emotional costs are high for everyone. Research is clear that children who go through long-term, conflictual divorce, are negatively impacted. There is the risk that children will have severe mental health issues into adulthood.

The legal definition of the “best interests of the child” is about who the child belongs to…the psychological definition of the “best interests of the child” is who belongs to the child. There is a big difference between these two definitions but they don’t have to be mutually exclusive of each other. Setting boundaries, using strength-based language, and keeping the needs of the child paramount will help a true cooperative parenting process.

The best way for parents to reduce conflict is to learn to manage themselves. Keeping the focus on personal healing and not on how the other parent should act or be. Managing ourselves is the only guarantee that we can have of making the coparenting relationship healthy.

Get more support and help with your coparenting conflict with a session with Ron Huxley today.

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Parental Alienation in Modern-Day Divorce

Parental alienation is a controversial diagnosis but a common concern in modern-day divorce. Psychology and legal professions disagree on using the term Parental Alienation. Still, both fields recognize the harm that parents can do to one another and their children in a high-conflict divorce.

What is parental alienation, and why is it so controversial? According to Wikipedia, parental alienation “describes a process through which a child becomes estranged from a parent due to the psychological manipulation of another parent. The child’s estrangement may manifest itself as fear, disrespect, or hostility toward the distant parent and may extend to additional relatives or parties.”

The controversy involves whether this action is a form of child abuse, family violence, or a criminal act. It should not be used as a formal diagnosis and may not be allowable in a legal court battle. However, it is useful to know the behavioral characteristics of a parent or child to navigate this painful reality of modern-day divorce.

“The theory of parental alienation has been asserted within legal proceedings as a basis for awarding custody to a parent who alleges estrangement, or to modify custody in favor of that parent. Courts have generally rejected parental alienation as a valid scientific theory. Still, some courts have allowed the concept to be argued as relevant to determining the child’s best interest when making a custody determination. Legal professionals recognize that alienating behaviors are common in child custody cases, but are cautious about accepting the concept of parental alienation.” (Wikipedia)

Parental alienation places the child in a “loyalty bind” where they must choose between parents. To resolve this inner conflict, they will start to prefer one parent over the other. They may refuse to go with the non-preferred parents when it is their time for custody, and they may make false claims or accusations against the non-preferred parent.

One reason for alienation and loyalty binds is to view what is in the “best interest” from a legal vs. a psychological perspective. From a legal view, child custody is determined by “who the child belongs to” vs. a psychological view of “who belongs to the child.”

This is not merely semantics. Many people could belong to the child’s emotional security. The legal viewpoint is rigid and creates one winner and multiple losers in the custody situation.

In high-conflict divorce situations where alienation may occur, all family members can engage professional support and guidance. Family therapists and mediators can be essential to reduce estrangement and manipulation and set a straightforward course of behaviors to prevent harm to children and their parents.

Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parental_alienation#:~:text=Parental%20alienation%20describes%20a%20process,to%20additional%20relatives%20or%20parties.

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The Summertime Parent

While most children were anxiously waiting for the school year to end, Jonathan was simply anxious. Although most boys loved traveling across the country during vacation, Jonathan dreaded the annual trek to see his father. It wasn’t that he didn’t love his father or enjoy being with him. It was the children from his father’s new marriage that he didn’t like. He felt like he was no longer his father’s son and that his dad loved them more than him. To top it off, he wouldn’t get to see his friends or his mother for almost ten weeks.


Jonathan’s parents had divorced, and his father had moved to another state. He only saw his father during Christmas and summer vacations. His father would send birthday cards and occasional letters, and with the invention of email, he could type off a quick note anytime he or his dad wanted. But that didn’t make the situation easier for him. In some ways, it only made a hard situation harder.

It was no summer picnic for Jonathan’s father either. Instead of feeling excitement about seeing his son, he felt anger and resentment that was often channeled toward his ex-wife whom he blamed for the custody arrangements. “I never realized how hard divorce could be,” exclaimed Jonathan’s father, “and getting remarried has only made it worse. Now I am stuck in the middle of two sets of frustrated families.”

Wounds of Divorce
Regardless of the reasons, divorce hurts! Any separation between two connected people will cause emotional wounds when pulled apart. Like any wound, the traumatized area must be cleaned and cared for if healing is going to be possible. The more dirt slung between divorced parents, through verbal and physical fights or nasty legal battles, the more infection in the relationship between parent and child will develop.


Jonathan’s father moved across the country because of a great job offer…or at least, that was what he told everyone. The job was great, but the real reason was that he couldn’t get along with Jonathan’s mother and just needed to leave and start over again. Unfortunately, that left Jonathan behind. “In retrospect, I would have stayed, regardless of the situation,” admits Jonathan’s father. “At the time, the hurt was too much to stand. I didn’t want the divorce, and his mother’s new boyfriend was just salt in the wound. Rather than continue to argue and waste money on lawyers, I decided to leave.”


Parents who have a long-distance relationship must address the wounds of divorce. Cleaning out a wound is painful but necessary. Similarly, letting go of old hurts and memories is important for healing and growth. Jonathan relates that his first summer with his dad in his new home was fun: “We went out to eat, the movies, miniature golf, and then my dad started pumping me for information on my mom and her boyfriend, when I just wanted to be with my dad.”

When parents do not deal with their own issues, children suffer all over again and their wounds are not allowed to heal. “Summer time parents” need to take care of themselves throughout the entire year so that they can enjoy the time with their children. Parents can care for themselves by consulting with a professional, developing a strong network of friends, exercising regularly and eating right.

Reassurances and Permissions
Major changes are frightening to young children. The loss of a parent creates fears of loss of food and shelter, being forgotten, attacked, punished, or unloved. While this might seem irrational to a parent, it is a real concern for the child. Children need reassurances that these things will continue to
be in their lives and, most importantly, that they are loved. Don’t make promises that things will go back to the way they were or be just as good. That is one promise parents can’t deliver, and it breaks down a child’s trust. Simply offer a verbal hug of hopefulness that the future will be secure and safe. In addition to reassurance, children often need permission to let go of the guilt that attaches itself to living with the “school-year” parent and visiting the summer parent. Both parents need to tell the child that it is okay that he/she are going. Be honest about missing the child but save the wailing and cloth-ripping for another time and place.

Permission giving helps to untangle the loyalty binds that children get caught in after divorce. Don’t ask a lot of questions about the other parent and his/her life back home. If the child wants to talk, fine, but don’t start an investigation and definitely keep your opinion of the other parents life to
yourself. Children feel they are disloyal to one parent by staying with and loving another parent. This problem is rooted in the concrete thinking styles of school-aged children. It is a developmental issue that can’t be removed and everyone must learn to adjust.

Creative Communication
The key to being a successful summer parent is to have regular communication during the other months of the year. Because it is difficult for the parent who moves away to watch the child grow up, predictable and consistent communication in the form of phone calls, letters, postcards, e-mails, photos, and tape recordings can help. There are many social media tools and apps that can also be used.

Too many parents spend their time on the phone or in letters mourning the time they are apart or how much they miss the child. This re-traumatizes the child and makes the parent look pathetic. If it has to be said, say it one time and move on. Focus the discourse on what is going on in your and your child’s life. Make plans for the upcoming visit and discuss emotional issues important to the child. Stay away from morbid meanderings.

Make the communications short and newsworthy. A one page letter talking about how the dog ate your favorite shoe or describing a beautiful sunset will make a better connection between parent and child than a long, boring letter that lists every detail of the week. E-mail is also a great way to communicate as the medium itself is geared toward brief, informal notes, and the instantaneous nature of the format makes frequent communication practical.

Try alternative mediums. If the parent or the child is not a “letter writer,” try using a tape recording. Buy a compact recorder or use your phone and walk around for a day recording various activities and thoughts. Capture
the sounds of the dog eating your shoe or describe the sunset as you look out the back window. Buy a Polaroid camera and take pictures of the new house and neighborhood and send those (by e-mail or snail mail) to the child. Alternative forms of communication can add a little more color and life to dry words on paper and bring the child and parent closer together emotionally.

If you like creative ideas, do a project or play a game across the time zones. Read a sport article or watch a favorite television program and then discuss it later on the phone or by e-mail. Keep separate journals that are exchanged during the visits. Create an online web page with both parent and child as co-webmasters. Play a game of checkers (with two sets) and give the moves to each other during your communications.

Make up a “sharing box” where you put mementos and little treasures for the other person to look at and discuss when together. Start a garden or acquire an aquarium and get advice on what to plant and how to care for the fish from the other person. Creative ideas, such as these, foster family solidarity despite time and place. It makes the relationship feel real and alive and that is important to parent and child.

School Connections
Summer parents feel out of touch when it comes to the child’s life at school. Request to be put on the school’s mailing list or give the child’s teacher an e-mail address to update the distant parent on activities and progress. Many schools and teachers have web sites set up so parents can view their child’s itinerary and grades. Knowing what is going on at the child’s school allows parents to ask intelligent questions about upcoming field trips and school projects. The child will also feel that the parent cares about him or her. Parents can make similar connections with doctors, therapists, and coaches.
Jonathan and his father still miss each other, but their relationship has blossomed despite the distance. They are routing for the same baseball team and are working on a go-cart that Jonathan and his new siblings will race during the summer at a track near the father’s house. “I started taking
pictures of the engine as I dismantled it and I scan and send them out each week by e-mail to Jonathan. He told me last night that he has started a scrapbook with all the pictures in them. When he gets here, the go-cart should be all put together, and we can paint it together,” explains his father.

Geography doesn’t have to separate parents and children emotionally. Summer-time parents can keep the relationship alive during the school year so that they look forward to being together and can pick up where they left off. “Jonathan has excitement in his voice when we talk about our time together.That is the biggest gift I could ever receive!”

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Co-Parenting Isn’t Working? Try Parallel Parenting.

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Many divorced parents are frustrated about their co-parenting arrangements. No matter what they try to do to work things with their ex, all of their efforts end up in conflict. Co-parenting feels more like game where there are no winners.

In these situations, the best advice is “no contact is no conflict”. If it wasn’t for the shared children they would have no contact and then there would be no problem but since that isn’t the case how do you co-parent with no contact? The answer is Parallel Parenting!

The situation reminds me of small children who are learning to share. Before they develop the skills to play cooperatively, they engage in parallel play. Both types of play look alike but when you watch more closely you realize that they are in the same room, with similar toys, playing next to one another but they are not really playing together. They are quite disengaged. Eventually, development will help create the skills needed for cooperative play. In the case of high-conflict divorce, parents may have to let go of the more mature cooperative parenting and shift to parallel parenting.

Parallel parenting purposefully disengages from the conflictual partner and concentrates on connection with the child. It may involve one parent focusing on dealing with the child’s school and the other on their soccer games. While both parents need to agree on major decisions, they will differ on daily logistics about bedtime routines, acceptable television watching, choice of baby sisters, and church attendance. When the daily heat can be turned down between parents, it makes the bigger decisions easier to navigate.

Parallel parenting protects the children. Research clearly demonstrates that high-conflict divorce results in higher rates of behavioral disturbances and mental illness later in life. More commonly, when a child tries to have a positive relationship with both parents who do not have a positive relationship with each other, they experience a “loyalty bind.” When the child is with parent A, he misses parent B. The child might even feel that he is being disloyal to parent B when he is with parent A and vice versa. This is easily intensified by parents who talk negatively about the other parent in front of the child. It can also occur when one parent acts like a victim causing the child to worry about them. Another way is leaning on your child for moral support and treating the child like the co-parent instead of a child.

It is a delicate balance to parallel parent and break down loyalty binds. A parents natural inclination is to protect their child and if they believe the other parent is harmful then…

The truth is that both parents are important to the child. To really protect them and find some sanity in the relationship, try using alternative methods to communication than face-to-face, like email or a notebook. Keep the wording factual about the child’s health, sleeping patterns, school events, weekend schedules, medical care, etc. Request separate school notices or records. Avoid showing up at the same events without prior knowledge. When you do end up at the same event, make a huge effort to demonstrate working together. You might actually find you can do it all the time!

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Keeping Love Alive Loving Through Difficult Times

By Ron Huxley, LMFT

How we love family members during the emotional distances and dark shadows of our relationships determine the long-term quality of those relationships. All relationships have ups and downs and our ability to ride out the extremes is challenging but a normal process of loving others. At the heart of the dark moments, we want to abandon the roller coaster ride for the firm safety of the ground. Our inner brains want us to fight or flee or if both of these options fail us, to freeze internal emotional reality. How do we overcome the turbulence and deep disconnect for the long haul?

One truth is to develop our identity and remind ourselves that relationship in not contained in the ups and downs but over the entire course of life. Look for the long tail of relationships and how to keep a spark alive even if it just nurture by you and not the other. The fight or flight mechanism of the brain wants us to rush our actions or re-actions when we really need to do in these crucibles is slow down and evaluate our choices. My best advice to families in the middle of chaos is to slow down but that is one of the hardest things to do. Many fail in the attempt.

A lot of my therapeutic work is with adoptive families. Many times the early life trauma results in an out-of-control teenager that ultimately forces the parent to consider residential care. They believe they have failed as parents and the relationship feels like it has ended. The truth is that relationship trumps residence. Your connection is stretchier than you thought. You may have to make a decision to create distance to ensure safety but you are not letting go of the relationship. You are protecting it and that is very different.

Because we like “up” moments filled with laughter and hugs and emotional closeness and hate the “down” moments with its harsh words, self-pity, victimization, and loneliness, we can start a rocking motion that swings faster and faster between the ups and downs. Pushing on one side and then the other increases chaos that throws everyone off the see-saw entirely.

When I work with bitter couples, hurt by infidelity and emotional rejection, I ask them to step off the see-saw, remember what attracted them to each other, the values they used to believe and to forgive one another. Too many nurture the wound and do not receive the healing. It is difficult to forgive but unforgiveness is like a poison that kills the heart of the relationship. It doesn’t say what was done was acceptable or that I will “forget and forgive”. You do not forget but you must forgive to allow life to start up again. From here we rebuild new creations that last.

Give up the illusion of control. You cannot control anyone else. You only have 100%, guaranteed results with yourself. You must manage you. Controlling your reactions is what allow the extreme ups and downs to settle and become smooth again. Take 5 to keep your relationship alive and pause to consider your best long-term actions. Take 10 and then reconsider again. If you need to make a hard, drastic decision, it is better to take the time to think it through completely vs. carrying a weight of regret.

Identity is the most important ingredient in loving through the distance.  Victim-minded people seek their identity through others instead of operation from a place of a sense of self. If I need you in order to be me and you are the source of my hurt and pain, then I cannot manage me that doesn’t exist. I cannot sustain a relationship that is one-sided. Start a journey of knowing yourself and your needs and your drives and your desires to deal with others in the distant relationships. Operating FROM a place of identity allows you to remain you even if others reject you. A simple starting place is journaling or talking to a therapist.

A final truth is that love is unconditional. It doesn’t have to agree with the other person’s actions or allow it to continue damaging the family but it doesn’t have to turn off. It can continue from a safer distant to provide an opportunity to bring it into closer intimacy. We don’t turn off love when others don’t do what we want. That is false power. Real power says I can set a boundary and I can exist without you but I choose to continue to love you. If you do not choose the same than I will remain me and love myself and others too.

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Parenting Through the Tough Times

By Ron Huxley, LMFT

No one likes to go through tough times. Everyone would prefer to avoid extreme challenges and painful relationship encounter but we all go through them. How we endure them reveals what we are a really made of…Difficult situations reveal our parenting character and attitudes quicker than anything else in life. 

Attachment researchers call this “rupture and repair”. A rupture can be anything from a minor disagreement to a child stealing or running away to a major incident like a death or divorce. All families have them but how do they discover how to repair? It is the ruptures that tear down old strategies that didn’t support healthy communication and connection. Ruptures quickly remove strongholds in our relationships that prevent us from having the family of our dreams. This can be considered a good thing. It doesn’t feel good but it provides an opportunity to redefine our relationships. 

One way that families repair is they break agreements with lies they have believed about themselves and their family. These are often dysfunctional beliefs learned early in life that served to protect us from painful rejections and taught us our to get needs met even if it was distorted and manipulative. Fortunately, if we learned dysfunctional and distorted ways to navigate safely in relationships, we can learn new ideas and adopt healthier beliefs about how to have intimacy and connection. Most parents never stop to reflect during rough times to discover these new truths. 

Take a moment to ask yourself what did I learn about myself and my relationship during this most recent crisis? What was identified that needs to change and what am I willing to do to change it? Are you going to keep doing what didn’t work so well in the past and lead to this recent moment of pain or are you going to find a new thought and a new truth? 

Imagine you are taking a helicopter ride straight up, about a mile high, and look back down at your situation. What do you notice that you didn’t see before being so close to the circumstance? What details stand out to your now and what new directions do you need to get yourself and your family unstuck? You don’t have to know all the steps just yet. What is the first step that you feel you need to take right now to get healthier. 

The other way that successful families met tough times is to not blame one another. Even if someone else created a mess, they look at themselves to determine what messes are on their side of the street that they need to clean up. They stand on the principle of “the problem is the problem. The person is not the problem.” It can take a lot of emotional strength to stand on that thought but the truth is that you cannot change anyone, even a small child. You have to clean up your messes and your can model/teach your child how to clean up their messes. Guiding children, not controlling children is the real goal of parenting. 

Learn more power parenting tools with Ron Huxley’s parenting book: 

Love and Limits: Achieving a Balance in Parenting