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Using Your Families Momentum
By Ron Huxley, LMFT

There will come a day when you and your family are not in crisis or feeling stuck. Perhaps it is already here. Whenever it comes how will use the momentum you have gained? Most families want to rest and do nothing. They have been in so much turmoil that all they can think about is taking a break. This might not be the time to pause for long.

When you are stuck all you think about is how to get unstuck. You are in survival mode. Now that you are unstuck it is time to take new ground, focus on left behind dreams, build new family skills. Take your well deserved break and then huddle together and move forward. Use that momentum strategically and with excitement.

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Dream Parenting: Act/React or Act/Counteract?

Parenting can be considered a dance where two people, one big and one little, move in response to one another. Usually, there is one person in the lead and one person who follows. In families, it can be unclear who is leading. At times it is alright if a child leads but in the long run, parents must be in charge if the family is going to get the most out of their relationships. In order to do this, parents may need to redefine how they choose their dance steps. 

Try this new step: Instead of act vs react, try act vs counter act. Parents tend to react toward a child’s mis-reaction and this almost always ends in frustrated dancers. Don’t react to a child’s actions. Plan a counter action. Problems are predictable in that they will come up day after day after day. If what you tried to do (react) today doesn’t work, you can plan a counter act for tomorrow because the problem will be ready for you again. Parents can have a lot of practice with their new steps until it feels comfortable and natural. 

Parents don’t like the idea of act vs counter act because it sounds like a lot of work. It can be but it isn’t as frustrating as dancing the steps of act vs reaction. Parents will dislike that outcome even more. The key to dancing successfully is to be consistent with your counter action to your child’s action. Don’t fall back into the reaction with yelling, threatening or giving in. Try questioning, letting natural consequences be there own teacher or redirecting the child’s misbehaviors. There are many ideas available for counter action. Be creative. Do the opposite of what you usually do. Let the other parent cut in and take the lead in the dance when on is too tired. Sing your request, say nothing at all or whisper instead of lecturing. Do time in instead of time out. Or, just go walk the dog. 

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The Identified Problem in the Family is NOT You or Your Child by Ron Huxley, LMFT

Some people call them the “black sheep” of the family and are content to let them stay that way. Others try to change them and take them to psychologists and doctors. A few give up on them all together. This child is the “identified problem child” and many homes spend a lot of time and energy dealing with the member of the family. This rebellious, acting out child is most often seen in dysfunctional homes, where substance or physical abuse is taking place. The identified problem child serves a very important role in this type of family by balancing out the imbalance and protecting the abusive parent from outside interventions. In a lesser degree, even nonabusive families have children who cause more stress and trouble than other children in the home. This child resists parent’s efforts at discipline, is constantly mischievous, and appears to enjoy the attention that getting into trouble provides.

Family therapists have determined that the symptoms of the “identified problem” child are often a reaction to the family’s state of imbalance.  This imbalance can be anything from severe abuse to a mild family stressor, such as the illness of a parent or the loss of fathers job. The negative behavior of the “identified problem-child” may be an effort, albeit unconsciously, to alleviate the families pain.  The child becomes a stabilizing force to reduce stress and thereby return the family to its previous state of balance, even if it is an imbalanced one. A teenagers acting out, a school-age child’s poor grades, a young child’s temper tantrums — all may be efforts to stabilize an unstable system.

Thomas was an “A” student up until his parents announcement of their divorce. Suddenly, he began getting failing grades on his school report card. Fortunately, his parents recognized this behavior as a reaction to their devastating news and brought him in for therapy. After some time, Thomas’ bad grades were more than his depression over mom and dad’s split. They were also a way for him to save his parent’s marriage by forcing them to focus on him and away from the pain of the divorce.  He overheard his parents saying that they would have to come to the school together to talk to his teacher. This was a glimmer of hope, however feeble and small, that he could influence his parent’s decision.

Many parents react to the behavior and not to the underlying family system issues that might be taking place.  This is because, for many parents, it is easier to use the child as a scapegoat then focus on their own issues and problems.

Susan was an overly aggressive child.  She was kicked out of several preschools and was finally referred to a therapist when she viciously bit another child, drawing blood. The doctor recommended medication, but at 4 years of age, the parents felt something else might work.  Over time, it was found that Susan hurt other children to express her own feelings of being hurt.  Due to her poor communication skills, she demonstrates her own internal state by aggressively acting out the role of “I hurt, therefore I will hurt others.”  Her biological father had abandoned Susan when she was just a baby and her mother had recently married another man that Susan didn’t like. Her mother never saw the rejection as a reason for her behavior because she was so young when the biological father left.

When children are misbehaving they are said to be “acting out.”  What is the child acting out, exactly?  According to family systems theory, they are acting out the family’s pain.  Stated another way, when the family experiences sudden change, for better or worse, and members undergo stress, the “problem child” pops up ready to stabilize the family system.  Parents who are able to read their child’s behavior in this way will be able to help them express it in a more positive manner and cope with their “big” feelings or anger, frustration, and loss.

In some cases the best way to deal with the “child’s problem” is to include the whole family. Obviously, the child is not the real problem anyway and the whole family is affected by, and affecting, the child’s behavior. The first task of the family is to unmask the real problem and relabel it as a family issue versus a child centered one. This can be difficult, as other members of the family may have to share some of the blame and resist stepping down from the ideal child or parent pedestal. The next task is to find family focused solutions to the problem. This might involve improving family communication, adjusting family boundaries and rules, and renegotiating family activities.

In the case of Thomas, the parents did not get back together but they did increase their involvement with him and reassure them of their love for him, regardless of the divorce. It took a while for his grades to improve but with patience and cooperation they were able to get them back to normal. With Susan, the family started more family oriented activities and had the new father pick her up from preschool a couple of times a week to spend some one on one time together. This helped her feel connected to the new dad, lessening the hurt she felt from her biological father. With time, she started calling this new person “dad” and her aggressiveness completely stopped.

Not all children act out because of internal struggles but it does occur frequently enough that parents need to look for this as a possible explanation for their child’s behavior. They will have to set aside their own issues and struggles to accomplish this and that could be a difficult thing for many. Family members may need to redraw family roles and responsibilities, and change, even in the best of circumstances, is a difficult experience. The intervention for identified problem children is to look at the entire family system. Sometimes, the problem is bigger than we think!

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Parents need to stop thinking about how to “fix” their children’s behavior problems and begin to look at how to “re-source” them instead. Stop trying to stop tantrums or talking back and start re-connecting them to the source of the problems. What is your child needing that he or she cannot get or getting that he or she doesn’t want? Decode and recode your children to add social skills, self-soothing, understanding, competence, attention, love, affection, security that is driving the behaviors in the first place. 

It is time to put away punishment and use discipline which is to disciple or teach/guide a child to appropriate behaviors. The goal is not “stop irritating mommy” today but learn to live life successfully tomorrow! You can never deal with a negative by using a negative and expect a positive outcome. 

Visualize who and what your child is becoming and connect them to that source of choice-making, problem-solving, character. 

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“He Never Acts This Way At School!”
By Ron Huxley

“The energy which makes a child hard to manage is the energy which afterward makes him a manager of life.” – Henry Ward Beecher"

by Ron Huxley, LMFT

Have you ever heard a parent say this or perhaps said it yourself? Why do some children misbehave at home and not other settings, like school? While the opposite situation might be true, where the child misbehaves at school and not home, let’s look at this common parenting frustration.

Teaching is a good definition of balanced discipline. In fact, the word discipline comes from the root word “disciplinare”, which means to teach or instruct. Most parents understand discipline as reducing inappropriate behaviors (punishment) instead of helping children achieve competence, self-control, self-direction, and social skills. Of course, all parents want this. But reinforcing appropriate behaviors seems like a luxury or fantasy when parents are having problems with their children. One reason for this may be the act of juggling work and family that so many contemporary parents find themselves performing. In this situation, only the most annoying or irritating behaviors are sure to get a parents attention. Children quickly learn that good behavior or even quiet, self-directed behavior rarely gets the attention of overloaded parents. Good behavior is one less thing a parent has to deal with while bad behavior guarantee parents attention. This is what educators and therapists call “negative attention” – a powerful reinforcer of children’s misbehavior.

So when parents say their child doesn’t misbehave in school, perhaps we should investigate the school/teaching model a little closer to see what frustrated parents can use when disciplining their children. Of course, as any teacher will admit, perfect behavior from children never occurs at school or anywhere else. But, let’s compare school behaviors to home discipline and ask a few questions.

Schools are learning environments. Discipline requires a learning environment characterized by positive, nurturing parent-child relationships. Is your home a learning environment or an entertainment center? Are their books, activities and private spaces for children?

Teachers use a curriculum. Discipline occurs when a plan or structure is in place for children. Do you know what you want to teach your children? What values or ideas do you want your children to believe? Is there a set time or routine for learning these things? Are you available to the child for help and instruction? Do you have materials available to educate you about topics you want to teach your children? Are there regular discussions about daily responsibilities, spiritual ideas, personal dreams, and problem areas? Grades are used to evaluate a child’s progress in school. Discipline can be both an instruction and a measurement of children’s behavior. What grade would you give your child in hygiene, social ability, responsibility, etc.? What rewards (physical or verbal) are given for “A” grades? Are parent-child conferences held to discuss strengths and weaknesses and make a plan for improvement? Do children get regular feedback from parents on how they are doing at home?

Teachers are in charge of the classroom and model appropriate behavior. Discipline is most effective when parents remember that they are the leaders of the home and “practice what they preach.” Are you firm and consistent in your discipline with your children? Do you model appropriate behavior for your children? Do you give the things, to your children, that you ask for, from your children, such as respect? Do you say what you mean rather than threaten or bribe children? Do you have a list of rules posted where children can see them? Do you allow children to “raise their hands” and ask questions? Do you listen attentively to those questions and give an appropriate answer?

Children, in schools, are given opportunities to explore and understand the world and themselves. Discipline is about internal control and not just external control. Do you give your child choices that require him or her to think about consequence? Are children recognized for behaving in an appropriate manner? Are there any “field trips” that children go on to inspire, instruct, or experience appropriate behavior? Are children give opportunities to act in a responsible and trustworthy manner? Are children encouraged to help their siblings and work as teams? Are there any parties for celebrating hard work?

Classrooms have rules that children must follow. Are their assigned seats at the dinner table or car? Are there any rules about waiting, talking, and seeking help? Do children get to “line up first” or “pass out the snacks” for exemplary behaviors? Are consequences given for inappropriate behaviors? Do children get warnings about misbehavior? Do children get to go to recess when they misbehave? Are the rules discussed with the children, posted where everyone can see them, and frequently reviewed?

Schools have recesses, school holidays, and summer breaks. Discipline is about doing nothing as much as it is about doing something. Do you allow your child to make mistakes and decide difficult (but not dangerous) situations on their own? Are there healthy balances between fun and chores, rest and responsibilities, work-time and playtime? Do you allow your child to simply be a child? Are developmental expectations appropriate to the age and abilities of your child? Do you allow yourself to be off-duty by having other adults to watch over your children? Are plans made, in family meetings, for fun as a family? Is quality time a regular part of your time with your children?

While this may not cover all aspects of school routines or discipline practices, it does ask some very reflective questions. It is possible we missed the most basic reason for children’s different behaviors, namely, novel situations and conditional love. Novel situations refer to a phenomenon that affects a child’s behavior, for good, when in a new environment. A new environment is unpredictable and may require a child to be on his or her best behavior until the child learns what the rules and consequences are or what they can get away with. Home is often predictable. The child already knows what they can or cannot get away with.

Conditional love refers to the communication of worth a child will get from another individual based on their behavior. A teacher may only consider certain behaviors to be worthy of his or her love and care. At the root, this is a good strategy. It advocates reinforcing only positive behaviors and ignoring negative behavior. But the fruit of it can have devastating consequences for children’s self esteem. A child’s sense of self should never be based on conditions. A child is worthy of love, dignity, and worth regardless of what they do. Reinforcement and even approval can be placed on a child’s behavior to communicate what is appropriate or inappropriate. A child may not feel this conditional love at home, knowing that mom will always love him or her and so manipulate this to their advantage.

Take a few moments to review these questions. If you are one of those parents who have said, “My child never behaves this way at school?” maybe now, you can finally find out why, and be able to say your child behaves appropriately at home as well as school.

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Coping with difficult circumstances

When attempting to build your dream family it is tempting to focus on right circumstances over right responses.

In your mind, when you imagine your dream family, life is happy and warm. What do you do in the meantime when things are hard and cold relationally?

The answer is you concentrate on how you respond to others as if the reality of your new family has already taken place until it actually does. Take the vision of who you want your family to be and hold on to that as you begin acting in a manner congruent to it. It won’t fit the situation but you are working to transform your family from the inside out to get real, lasting change not just outward compliance. 

Take a moment to picture what would be different in your dream family? Allow yourself to imagine how YOU would be reacting to others in your home. Start that behavior today…

Click on the freebies link above to get helpful tools to build your dream family.

Share your success and struggles on our Facebook page. 

Get more fun ideas for parenting in our DIY Parenting Blog!

Find Inner Healing on Ron Huxley’s newest blog here.

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Troublesome behavior problems

If you are dealing with several troublesome behavior problems with your child, give yourself permission to focus on one or two issues and ignore the rest. That’s right, ignore the rest.

We are not super parents and can’t mange every behavioral issue. Pick one that has the most serious consequence and work on it and then focus on the next one and so forth.

A common conflict comes when a behavior issue impacts school. Often it is better to focus on the behavior and not worry about the grad point average. That will work itself out after you gain success with the behaviors.

Try this for two weeks and let us know how it goes.

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The Cure for Whining

The Cure for Whining

Should they get what they want by whining? Absolutely not. Should
they learn that they can get their way by marshaling good arguments
and making them in a reasonable, humorous, charming way that meets your
needs as well as theirs?  Absolutely, if you want them to get anywhere
in life. But how to help them make that transition?

Whining is
common with toddlers and preschoolers.  Parents are usually advised
to tell their kids to ask in a nice voice, because they can’t hear the
whiny voice.  But whining is a symptom of a deeper issue.   So if you
want to eliminate whining, you have to address what’s underneath. If
your child’s whining is driving you crazy, here are six parent-proven
secrets to stop your child from whining. Which secret you use depends on why he’s whining.

1. Whining because he doesn’t have the internal resources to cope with what’s being asked
of him:

When humans feel overwhelmed, they get whiny. (As a toddler, he would have thrown himself howling to the ground, but by three or four he can often whine instead.) Meet his basic needs for food, rest, down time, run-around time, and connection with you, or you can count on whining. He may not tantrum as much as he
used to, but he will certainly whine if you force him to endure that
shopping trip while he’s hungry and tired.  Why create a negative
situation from which he’ll learn and repeat?

2.  Whining
because she needs more connection:

Be pre-emptive. Make sure
that your child gets enough of your positive attention, unprovoked. 
Pre-empt whining by giving attention BEFORE she gets demanding.  Anyone
who’s had to ask a romantic partner “Do you love me?” knows that
attention given after you ask can never really fill the need. The secret
is to take the initiative and give attention the child hasn’t asked
for, often, so she feels your support and connection. And of course it’s
particularly important to give attention when she shows the first sign
of needing your emotional support, before that quick downhill slide. (No, you’re not rewarding “bad” behavior by giving her attention when she’s whining. If she were whining from hunger, would you think you were rewarding that by feeding her?  It’s our job to meet kids’ needs so they have the internal resources to cope. That includes giving them our loving presence so they feel safe and loved.)

3. Whining because she doesn’t like what’s happening but feels powerless to get her way: 

Lawrence
Cohen says, “When
children whine they are
feeling powerless. If we scold them for whining or refuse to
listen to them we increase their feelings of powerlessness. 
If
we give in so they will stop whining, we reward that
powerlessness. But if we relaxedly, playfully, invite them
to use a strong
voice, we increase their sense of confidence and competence.
And
we find a bridge back to close connection." 

Start by letting her know that you hear what she wants, and you see her point of view: "You really want to go to the playground, and you keep telling me that, and here I keep stopping at all these stores that you aren’t expecting, and you’re disappointed, right?”  Sometimes just feeling heard is enough to stop whining in its tracks.

Then, if she keeps whining, you can say playfully “You don’t sound like yourself.  I wonder where your usual strong voice went?”

Express confidence that your child can use her “strong” voice
and offer your assistance to help her find it, by making it into a
game:  “Hey, where did your strong voice go?  It was here a minute
ago.  I LOVE your strong voice!  I’ll help you find it.  Help me look. 
Is it under the chair?  No…In the toy box?  No….  HEY!  You found
it!!  That was your strong voice!! Yay! I love your strong voice! Now,
tell me again what you need, in your strong voice.”

Finally, give her alternate tools by teaching her how to ask appropriately for something
and negotiate with you.  Since whining is so often a function of
powerlessness, helping your child to feel that she can get
what she wants through reasonable measures will carry over into the rest
of her life. 

In other words, you don’t want her to learn that she gets her way in life by whining or tantrumming, but you do want her
to learn that she can get what she wants through managing her emotions,
seeing things from the other person’s point of view and setting up
win/win situations. (And of course, that’s what you always try to model.)

So if you simply don’t have time to go to the playground today, then don’t.  Be empathic about his desire, and nurture him through the meltdown, as described in #4 below.   But if your objection is to his whining, rather than his request, and he manages to pull himself together and ask in a
reasonable way for what he wants, then you’ll be able to engage in the kind of conflict resolution that finds a win/win solution.

“Ok, you want to go to the
playground, and I need to stop at the hardware store.  Let’s do this: 
If we’re really quick at the hardware store, we’ll have time to stop at the
playground on the way home.  Think you can help me be quick? And if you are really fast about getting
in and out of your car seat, we
can stay even longer at the playground.” 

Are you “rewarding” whining?  No, you’re empowering him by demonstrating that finding solutions that work for both of you is the way to get what he wants in life. 
 
4. Whining because he needs to cry: 

He has a lot of pent-up emotions about things that are stressing him – the new babysitter you left him with on Friday night, that kid who grabbed the truck away in the sandbox, potty training, the new baby – there’s no end of stressful developmental challenges!  Toddlers let off stress by simply having a meltdown, but as they get older they gain more
self-control, and begin to whine instead.  Be kind in response to his whining until you get home and have a few minutes to spend with him.  Then draw him onto your lap, look him in the eye and say “I notice you were feeling so whiny and sad, Sweetie.  Do you just need to cuddle and maybe cry a bit?  Everybody needs to cry sometimes.  I’m right here to hold you.”

5. Whining because it works:

Don’t reward whining.  Don’t give
in and buy the candy. But there is never a reason to be less than kind about it. Responding to his desire with empathy  (“You wish you could have that candy”) helps him feel less alone with his disappointment.  And there’s nothing wrong with finding something else that will make him happy, like a shiny red apple or a trip to the playground.  That teaches him to look for win/win solutions. If, by contrast, he feels
like he only gets what he wants by whining, he’ll become an expert
whiner.

6. Whining
because you’ll do anything to stop it: 

Change your attitude.  Why do parents hate whining so much?  Because
whining is your little one’s more mature form of crying.  She’s letting
you know she needs your attention.  And human grownups are programmed to
react to whining as much as to crying, so the needs of tiny humans get
met.  So the minute you hear that whine, you react with anxiety.  You’ll
do anything to stop it. 

But if you can take a deep breath and remind
yourself that there’s no crisis, you’ll feel a lot better, and you’ll
parent better.  Don’t let your automatic crisis mode of fight or flight kick in.  Don’t feel like you
have to do anything at all except love your child.  Just smile at your child and give her a big hug.
Most of the time, the whining will stop.

via ahaparenting.com