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The Four Stages of Competence and Personal Growth

The Four Stages of Competence model, developed by Martin M. Broadwell in 1969, provides a framework for understanding the process of acquiring new skills or knowledge. This model can be applied not only to learning specific tasks but also to personal growth and transformation after traumatic experiences.

Stage 1: Unconscious Incompetence

In this initial stage, an individual is unaware of their lack of knowledge or skill in a particular area. They are oblivious to their incompetence and may even overestimate their abilities.[2] In the context of personal growth, this stage represents a state of unawareness or denial about the need for change or self-improvement.

Stage 2: Conscious Incompetence

At this stage, the individual becomes aware of their deficiencies and recognizes the gap between their current state and the desired level of competence.[2] This realization can be uncomfortable and even painful, as it challenges one’s self-perception and confidence. In the realm of personal growth, this stage often follows a traumatic event or crisis that forces an individual to confront their limitations or unhealthy patterns.

Stage 3: Conscious Competence

In this stage, the individual actively engages in learning and practicing the new skill or knowledge. They are consciously aware of their progress and the effort required to improve.[3] Regarding personal growth, this stage involves actively working on self-improvement, seeking support, and implementing new strategies or behaviors to overcome challenges and develop healthier coping mechanisms.

Stage 4: Unconscious Competence

At this final stage, the individual has mastered the skill or knowledge to the point where it becomes second nature, requiring little conscious effort.[1] In the context of personal growth, this stage represents a state of integration and embodiment of the positive changes, where the new behaviors or mindsets have become ingrained and automatic.

The Four Stages of Competence model can be particularly relevant in the context of post-traumatic growth, which refers to the positive psychological changes that can occur after experiencing a traumatic event or adversity.[4] The process of post-traumatic growth often involves moving through these stages:

  1. Initially, individuals may be in a state of unconscious incompetence, unaware of the need for personal growth or change (Stage 1).
  2. The traumatic event or crisis forces them to confront their limitations, vulnerabilities, or unhealthy coping mechanisms, leading to conscious incompetence (Stage 2).
  3. Through therapy, self-reflection, and active efforts, individuals work on developing new perspectives, skills, and behaviors, entering the conscious competence stage (Stage 3).
  4. Over time, the positive changes become integrated and automatic, leading to unconscious competence and a sense of personal growth and resilience (Stage 4).

By understanding the Four Stages of Competence, individuals can better navigate the process of personal growth and post-traumatic transformation. It provides a framework for recognizing and embracing the discomfort of conscious incompetence as a necessary step towards growth, and it offers a roadmap for the journey towards embodying positive changes and achieving a sense of mastery over one’s life.[1][3]

Citations:
[1] https://www.mentaltoughness.partners/stages-of-competence/
[2] https://blog.hptbydts.com/in-a-nutshell-four-stages-of-competence
[3] https://scottjeffrey.com/four-stages-of-learning/
[4] https://www.businessballs.com/self-awareness/conscious-competence-learning-model/
[5] https://themindcollection.com/four-stages-of-competence/

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The Power of Momentum: Achieving Change Through Consistent Effort

When it comes to creating lasting change, motivation alone is often not enough. While motivation provides the initial spark and desire to take action, it’s momentum that truly propels us towards our goals through small, consistent efforts over time.[2]

Motivation is a fleeting state, fueled by willpower and mental strength. It can be challenging to sustain, especially for those dealing with trauma, stress, or other significant life challenges. Relying solely on motivation can lead to a cycle of starting strong but losing steam, leaving us feeling discouraged and unable to make meaningful progress.[3]

On the other hand, momentum is the force that keeps us moving forward, even when motivation wanes. It’s the habit of taking active steps, day after day, towards our desired outcome. Momentum doesn’t require the same level of mental fortitude as motivation; instead, it relies on the power of consistency and the compounding effect of small, incremental actions.[1]

Building Momentum: A Sustainable Path to Change

Creating momentum is about establishing routines and habits that align with your goals. By breaking down larger objectives into manageable tasks and incorporating them into your daily routine, you eliminate the need for constant motivation. These small, consistent efforts gradually build upon each other, creating a sense of forward motion and progress.[2]

“Small, consistent efforts over time will result in the momentum needed to see real change!”

One effective strategy for building momentum is to start with a single, achievable task and focus on making it a habit. Once that task becomes second nature, you can then introduce another small step, and so on. This approach allows you to build momentum gradually, without overwhelming yourself or relying too heavily on willpower.[3]

For example, if your goal is to improve your physical health, you could start by committing to a daily 10-minute walk. Once that becomes a habit, you could add a simple strength training routine or make a dietary change. Each small step reinforces the previous one, creating a snowball effect of positive change.

The Role of Momentum in Trauma and Stress Recovery

For individuals who have experienced trauma or are under significant stress, relying on motivation alone can be particularly challenging. Trauma and stress can deplete mental and emotional resources, making it difficult to summon the willpower required for sustained motivation.[4]

In these situations, building momentum through small, consistent actions can be a more accessible and sustainable approach to recovery and growth. By focusing on manageable tasks and establishing routines, individuals can gradually regain a sense of control and progress, without the added pressure of relying solely on motivation.

For example, someone recovering from trauma might start by committing to a daily journaling practice or a brief mindfulness exercise. As these small habits become ingrained, they can serve as a foundation for introducing additional coping strategies or therapeutic interventions.

Embracing the Power of Momentum

While motivation can provide an initial burst of energy and inspiration, true and lasting change often requires the sustained effort that comes from building momentum. By breaking down goals into manageable steps and consistently taking action, we can create a powerful force that propels us forward, even when motivation falters.

Embracing the power of momentum allows us to approach change in a more sustainable and accessible way, particularly for those facing significant life challenges. It’s a reminder that progress doesn’t require grand gestures or superhuman willpower; instead, it’s the culmination of small, consistent efforts that ultimately lead to transformative change.

———

Motivation’s wildfire blazes bright
Spurring heroic acts of might

But flames demand endless stoking
When willpower wanes, fire’s choking

Momentum whispers: “I’ll carry you through”
Asking little, just one step will do

One small action, then another
Mighty rivers, they will follow

Motivation craves grand feats
Momentum nurtures humble seeds

When trauma weighs heavy
Let momentum’s gentle flow
One breath, one step
The way ahead will show

Embrace motivation’s wildfire zeal
But tend momentum’s coals that glow

The small things, steadily unfurled
Change your world

——-

Citations:
[1] https://www.team3xt.com/blog/motivation-vs-momentum/
[2] https://barbstone.me/motivation-vs-momentum/
[3] https://camillemartinrd.com/why-momentum-matters-more-than-motivation-and-how-to-get-it/
[4] https://www.princetonhcs.org/care-services/princeton-house-behavioral-health/news-events/newsletters/winter-2019/motivational-interviewing-creating-momentum-for-change
[5] https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/truth-change-motivation-momentum-haley-gallant

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When “THEY” Won’t Change! What do I do?

When dealing with people who refuse to change, it’s important to accept that you cannot force them to change, but you can control your own reactions and boundaries. Here are some suggestions based on the search results:

Focus on what you can control. You cannot change others, only yourself. Recognize that their resistance to change is not about you, but their own fears, habits or mindset. Ask yourself if this is truly your problem to solve or theirs.[3]

Communicate clearly and compassionately. Express how their behavior impacts you using “I” statements, without criticism or judgment.[1][4] Listen to understand their perspective. Brainstorm solutions together if they are open to it.[4]

Set boundaries. If their behavior is unacceptable, calmly explain your boundaries and the consequences if they continue, such as limiting contact.[1][4] Follow through consistently.

Give them space. Avoid nagging, passive aggression or controlling language.[1] Pressuring someone often backfires. Allow them time and space to consider change at their own pace.[4]

Focus on your relationship. Compliment positive traits, spend quality time together, and look for areas you both can grow.[1] A strong bond can sometimes motivate change more than criticism.

Know when to disengage. If they remain unwilling to change hurtful patterns after you’ve communicated needs and boundaries, you may need to accept them as they are or re-evaluate the relationship.[3][5]

Prioritize your wellbeing. Don’t sacrifice your own mental health trying to change someone unwilling. Seek support, set firm boundaries, and detach with love if needed.[5][1]

The key is balancing compassion for their journey with prioritizing your own peace of mind. Change is an inside job – you can inspire but not force it upon others.[3][5]

Citations:
[1] https://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Loved-Ones-Who-Refuse-to-Change
[2] https://hbr.org/2001/11/the-real-reason-people-wont-change
[3] https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2018/04/stop-trying-to-change-people-who-dont-want-to-change
[4] https://www.verywellmind.com/when-your-spouse-doesnt-want-change-2302197
[5] https://tinybuddha.com/blog/what-to-do-when-people-dont-want-to-change/

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The Stubborn Heart!

Stubbornness can stem from various factors such as personality traits, past experiences, fear of vulnerability, or a need for control. Here’s an explanation of stubbornness, the reasons behind it, and strategies to shift out of stubborn behaviors:

Understanding Stubbornness:

  • Definition: Stubbornness refers to a firm, inflexible adherence to one’s ideas, opinions, or decisions, often resisting change or outside influence.

Reasons Behind Stubbornness:

Shifting Out of Stubbornness:

  • Practice Empathy: Encourage the individual to practice empathy by trying to understand others’ perspectives and feelings. Empathy can foster openness to different viewpoints and reduce defensiveness.
  • Flexibility and Adaptability: Help the individual cultivate a mindset of flexibility and adaptability. Emphasize the benefits of being open to change and willing to consider alternative solutions.
  • Active Listening: Teach active listening skills to enhance communication and foster understanding. Encourage the individual to listen attentively to others without immediately jumping to defend their position.
  • Seek Compromise: Emphasize the value of compromise and collaboration in relationships and decision-making. Encourage the individual to find common ground and work together towards mutually beneficial solutions.
  • Self-Reflection: Encourage self-reflection to explore the reasons behind their stubbornness. By understanding the underlying motivations for their behavior, they can begin to address and challenge them.
  • Mindfulness Practices: Suggest mindfulness techniques to help individuals become more aware of their thoughts, emotions, and reactions. Mindfulness can promote self-awareness and impulse control, reducing stubborn tendencies.
  • Therapy or Counseling: Consider recommending therapy or counseling to explore deeper issues contributing to stubbornness and develop healthier coping strategies. A mental health professional can provide support and guidance in shifting stubborn behaviors.

By addressing the root causes of stubbornness, practicing empathy and flexibility, and seeking professional support, individuals can gradually shift out of stubborn behaviors and cultivate more open-mindedness and adaptability in their interactions and decision-making processes.

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The Power of Yet: Embracing Growth and Positivity in the Face of Adversity

Yielding: Embracing Change and Adaptability
The first letter of YET reminds us of the importance of yielding to change. Life is constantly fluxing, and being open-minded and adaptable is crucial for personal growth. Instead of resisting change, we can embrace it as an opportunity for learning and development. By letting go of fixed perspectives and welcoming new possibilities, we create space for growth to flourish.

Encouraging: Nurturing Positivity Within and Around
The second letter of YET highlights the significance of encouragement. Positivity acts as a catalyst for growth, fueling our motivation and helping us overcome obstacles. By offering support and motivation to ourselves and others, we create an environment that fosters personal and collective development. Small acts of encouragement, such as uplifting words or acknowledging progress, can make a remarkable difference in our journey toward positivity and growth.

Trusting: Building Confidence in the Journey
The final letter of YET emphasizes the power of trust. Trusting ourselves, others, and the growth process is essential for cultivating positivity. When we trust our abilities, we build confidence and resilience, enabling us to face challenges head-on. Trusting others allows us to collaborate, seek guidance, and learn from their experiences. Moreover, having faith in the growth process helps us navigate uncertainty, knowing that every step forward contributes to our overall development.

Embracing the YET Mindset:
Embracing the YET mindset is a powerful tool for personal transformation. By yielding to change, we open ourselves up to new possibilities and embrace the growth potential. We uplift ourselves and others through encouragement, creating an atmosphere that fosters positivity and fuels our motivation. Trusting in ourselves, others and the journey ahead instills confidence and resilience, helping us navigate the ups and downs of life with grace and determination.

Practical Tips for Cultivating the YET Mindset:

  1. Practice prayer and mindfulness: Cultivate awareness of your thoughts and emotions, allowing yourself to yield to change and adapt more quickly.
  2. Celebrate progress: Encourage yourself and others by acknowledging achievements, no matter how small. Celebrating progress boosts motivation and creates positive momentum.
  3. Seek support: Trust in the power of collaboration and seek guidance and support from others who can help you grow.
  4. Embrace challenges: Instead of shying away from challenges, approach them with a mindset of curiosity and learning. Trust that you can overcome obstacles and grow from the experience.


Embracing the YET mindset—Yielding, Encouraging, Trusting—enables us to unlock our potential for growth and positivity. By yielding to change, encouraging ourselves and others, and trusting in the journey, we create an empowering environment for personal development. Let us embrace the power of YET and embark on a path of growth, resilience, and unwavering optimism. Remember, you can yield, encourage, and trust—ultimately transforming your life and positively impacting those around you.

Affirmation for the Power of YET!

  1. I am not completely forgiving YET, but I will be compassionate and embrace forgiveness, nurturing harmonious relationships.
  2. I am not an active listener YET, but I will be present and attentive, fostering deeper connections with others.
  3. I am not self-confident YET, but I will be secure in my identity, radiating inner strength and inspiring others.
  4. I am not entirely patient YET, but I will be understanding and cultivate patience, promoting peaceful interactions.
  5. I am not consistently empathetic YET, but I will be understanding and compassionate, supporting those in need.
  6. I am not entirely self-accepting YET, but I will embrace my uniqueness and love myself unconditionally.
  7. I am not entirely assertive YET, but I will express my needs and boundaries clearly and confidently.
  8. I am not always a good forgiver YET, but I will release grudges and embrace healing in my relationships.
  9. I am not fully mindful of my words YET, but I will speak with kindness and consideration, nurturing positive connections.
  10. I am not entirely free from self-doubt YET, but I will embrace my worthiness and trust in my capabilities, fostering inner growth.

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The Five Big Ideas of Real Change (New Years Resolutions that WORK!)

The Five Big Ideas of Real Change

  1. Habits are the compound interest of self-improvement.
  2. If you want better results, then forget about setting goals. Focus on your system instead.
  3. The most effective way to change your habits is to focus not on what you want to achieve, but on who you wish to become.
  4. The Four Laws of Behavior Change are a simple set of rules we can use to build better habits. They are (1) make it obvious, (2) make it attractive, (3) make it easy, and (4) make it satisfying.
  5. Environment is the invisible hand that shapes human behavior.

It is tradition, at the beginning of each year, to set New Year Resolutions. We have great intentions for lasting change but soon lose motivation and drive to complete them. Consequently, most people will stop trying to set habits to avoid the disappointment of failure. There has to be a better way to see real change that actually work, isn’t there?

Enter the book “Atomic Habits” by James Clear. As the byline states, this book will help you “build good habits and break bad ones.” Sounds simple!

The key to making changes in your life that are successful is to take a new perspective of change from the one’s we are used to. The problem isn’t us. It is the systems we surround ourselves with that fail us and result in feelings of failure. See big idea #2 above.

The book lists 5 Big Ideas about how to create effective habits. You will have to read the entire book to get all the details for each big idea or you can read this summary here (Link) or watch a YouTube video here (Link). I have affiliate connections to there resources…

My focus for this blog article is on big idea #3: The most effective way to change your habits is to focus not on what you want to achieve, but on who you wish to become. Repeats this big idea to yourself a couple of times. Let it soak in. It is possible that everything you have tried to do to change your life has been wrong. You might have blamed others for the way you are or blame your bad luck or situation. These could be serious issues that make your habit difficult but it is not the final reason. Or, as I like to say, “it is a reason but isn’t a good excuse.”

Real change occurs from the inside out. This is true of parenting, marital relationships, business endeavors, or anything you attempt to do in your life. A habit, by definition, is a the tendency to behave or act in a regular manner. Habits require very little energy because it has become an automatic way of reacting. Initially, they take a lot of energy and practice but soon become reflexes that take little to now thought to initiate. It is their strength and their weaknesses when we try to break them.

Many habits start out of a reaction to traumatic situations. They start off as ways of coping with stress and pain, splitting off parts of ourselves to manage or protect from further pain. This may be a very “normal way to react in a very abnormal situation.” Unfortunately, traumatic habits can end up being “abnormal behaviors” in a new, more “normal situation.” The ways you had to behavior in an alcoholic home, for example, may not serve you will now, in a healthier relationship and home.

Find a way to change or develop new habits can become extremely urgent to maintain a healthy relationship and avoid new forms of pain in our lives.

One place to start is with you. Work on your character issues instead of waiting for others to change. The only thing you have 100% guarantee of change is through your own growth. You can change other people. You can coerce them, threaten them, or manipulate them but that will always backfire on you. Stick with you and the big idea working on who you want to become.

Start with a vision of what character traits you wish for yourself and picture how these traits will bear positive fruit in your life. It is just imagination so you run no risk of disappointment at this stage. Be sure to write this vision down. It may change from day to day but continue to modify it till you have something that truly inspires you. People have motivation for things they really want and desire. Make this idea of a new you very attractive!

Problem are destined to get in the way of this new habit of being you. That is a good thing. What is predictable is preventable. Predict what will get in the way, how you will look your motivation, who will try to stop you, what limitations might pop up…Set a plan for how you will encounter them before they show up so you are ready.

Small changes every day will reap big results in the end. Focus on a 1% change every day. That’s not a lot, right? You can do one thing to be a new, better version of you each day. Taking on too much, too soon, will choke out your efforts.

Use the power of gratitude for positive things in your life every day. Science has demonstrated that gratitude changes the very structure of our brain and enhances motivation to healthy, positive behaviors.

If traumas are making you stuck and all of this feels impossible, work with a professional to help you through it. If you would like to set up an appointment with me, to deal with trauma and anxiety, click on the Link here to set a time to work on some real life change!

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We live in a broken world, full of broken families and broken hearts, resulting in anger, depression and anxiety. When people come to see a family therapist, they want change but they want other members of the family to change, not them. How much pain do we have to go through before we are willing to do something different than we have always done before? Listen to Ron Huxley, Family Therapist, as he shares some insights on how to create love and honor in the home to have real, permanent change in the family. 

Be sure to share this with a friend…

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Decide who you want to believe in 5 years, 5 months, 5 days and start declaring it today and every day until you become it!

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I just woke up. It’s a new day. Nothing has happened yet. I can determine my future, my choices, my mindsets. I can decide how I will react and feel today. My moods are mine to master, not the other way around. Today is a new day and I can have the family, relationships, joy I choose to have.

So can you…What do you choose?

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Dream Parenting: Winning the Battle

You don’t have to win every battle with your child. You don’t have to be a perfect parent. Some days are going to be sweet one’s, with lots of cuddling, peaceful interactions and other days are going to be more chaotic and bumpy. It is important that parents learn how to ride these ups and downs and now that they are still headed in the right direction. if today was a bad day, than you get to have another day. Make tomorrow different. If tomorrow is bad too, look forward to the day after than and so on…

You were there to write the first chapter of your child’s life and you get to help write the next one until the day they start writing their own chapters. You are never totally powerless and no mistake cannot be forgiven and un-reconciled. It make take a while but time really is on your side and it can heal the most grievous hurts. Use this to your parenting advantage. 

Action Parenting Tool: Don’t focus on today’s problem. Visualize how you want tomorrow to look and start working toward it. Be OK with small adjustments until you achieve the family you dreamed about.