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Living With Your Adult Child…

Navigating Life with Your Adult Children: Key Insights and Practical Strategies

As children grow into adulthood, the parent-child relationship naturally evolves. While the dynamics change, the desire to support and guide them remains strong. However, this stage often presents unique challenges for parents who must balance offering guidance and respecting their adult child’s independence. Drawing from the wisdom of several insightful books on this topic, here are key strategies and advice for parents navigating this complex phase.

1. Respect Their Independence

One of the most crucial steps in maintaining a healthy relationship with adult children is recognizing and respecting their independence. As Jim Burns, author of “Doing Life with Your Adult Children,” advises, “Keep your mouth shut and the welcome mat out.” This encapsulates the delicate balance of being there for your adult children without overstepping boundaries. It’s important to let them make their own decisions—even if they’re not the choices you would make.

2. Establish Clear Boundaries

Allison Bottke, in her book “Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children,” emphasizes the importance of setting and maintaining boundaries. She introduces the concept of SANITY: Stop enabling, Assemble a support group, Nip excuses in the bud, Implement rules and boundaries, Trust your instincts, and Yield everything to God. Bottke’s framework helps parents avoid enabling behavior while offering love and support.

3. Offer Unconditional Love and Acceptance

In “How to Really Love Your Adult Child,” Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell underscore the importance of unconditional love. They argue that while it’s natural for parents to want to guide their children, it’s essential to do so from a place of love and acceptance rather than criticism or control. “Your adult child needs to know that your love for them is not contingent on their success, choices, or lifestyle,” Chapman explains. This kind of love provides a foundation for a strong and healthy relationship.

4. Communicate Effectively and Listen More

Communication is vital in any relationship, but it’s especially crucial with adult children. Jane Isay, in “Walking on Eggshells,” highlights the importance of listening without judgment. She writes, “The hardest part of being a parent of an adult is to listen, not to advise, unless asked.” Active listening fosters mutual respect and understanding, helping to bridge generational gaps and differing perspectives.

5. Encourage Their Growth and Self-Reliance

Encouraging adult children to take responsibility for their lives is vital for their growth. In “Parenting Your Adult Child,” Gary Chapman and Randy Southern suggest that parents focus on helping their children achieve independence. They advise, “Guide them, but don’t dictate. Offer support, but don’t take over.” This approach helps adult children build confidence in their decision-making abilities while knowing they have their parents’ support.

Practical Ways Parents Can Support Their Adult Children

Based on the insights from these books, here are five practical ways parents can help their adult children navigate life:

  1. Be a sounding board, not a director. Offer advice when asked, but allow your child to make their own decisions. This fosters their sense of autonomy and responsibility.
  2. Encourage financial independence. Whether it’s through discussing budgeting or helping them set financial goals, encourage your adult child to manage their finances responsibly.
  3. Respect their personal space and choices. Understand that your adult child may make decisions that differ from your values or expectations. Support them even when their path diverges from yours.
  4. Model healthy boundaries. Doing so yourself will teach your adult children how to set and respect boundaries, protecting your well-being and teaching them an essential life skill.
  5. Celebrate their achievements, big or small. Acknowledge their successes and offer encouragement during setbacks. Positive reinforcement can be a powerful motivator as they navigate adulthood.

Parenting adult children requires a shift in perspective, moving from a more directive role to one of support and guidance. By respecting their independence, setting clear boundaries, offering unconditional love, communicating effectively, and encouraging their growth, parents can help their adult children navigate the complexities of life while maintaining a strong, loving relationship. These strategies empower adult children and allow parents to enjoy the evolving relationship as they both move into new stages of life.

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How To Deal With Strong Personalities

Strong personalities can present challenges in our interactions, particularly when they exhibit controlling behaviors that can impact our mental well-being. Recognizing signs of control and implementing coping strategies are essential for maintaining healthy relationships and boundaries.

Signs of Controlling Personalities

  1. Dominance: Individuals with controlling personalities tend to dominate conversations, decision-making processes, and interactions, asserting their opinions forcefully and expecting compliance from others.
  2. Lack of Empathy: A lack of empathy is a common trait in controlling individuals, as they may prioritize their own agenda without consideration for others’ feelings, needs, or perspectives.
  3. Micromanaging: Controlling personalities may engage in micromanaging behaviors, closely overseeing and controlling every detail while struggling to delegate tasks or trust others.
  4. Authoritarian Communication Style: Communication with controlling individuals may feel one-sided, with dictation of instructions, demands, or a commanding tone that dismisses opposing viewpoints.
  5. Difficulty Accepting Feedback: Controlling individuals may find it challenging to accept criticism, feedback, or suggestions, often reacting defensively or dismissively to alternative perspectives.

Strategies for Dealing with Controlling Personalities

  1. Establish Clear Boundaries: Setting boundaries is crucial when dealing with controlling individuals. Clearly communicate your limits, expectations, and needs to maintain a healthy balance in the relationship.
  2. Practice Active Listening: Show genuine interest in the person’s perspective, validate their feelings, and seek to understand their viewpoint without judgment. Active listening can help defuse tensions and improve communication.
  3. Maintain Calmness: Stay composed in confrontational situations. Responding with patience and composure can prevent conflicts from escalating and help you navigate interactions more effectively.
  4. Assertiveness: Assert your thoughts, feelings, and opinions respectfully. Express yourself clearly while acknowledging the other person’s viewpoint to establish open communication and mutual respect.
  5. Focus on Collaboration: Emphasize finding common ground and working together towards solutions rather than engaging in power struggles. Collaboration can lead to more positive outcomes and strengthen relationships.
  6. Seek Support: If interactions with controlling personalities become overwhelming, consider seeking guidance from mental health professionals or counselors. They can provide tailored strategies and support to help you navigate challenging relationships.

By recognizing signs of control, setting boundaries, practicing effective communication, and seeking support when needed, you can manage interactions with controlling personalities to protect your well-being and foster healthier relationships. Remember, your mental health is essential, and prioritizing self-care in challenging situations is key to maintaining balance and resilience.

Expert Insights

  • Dr. Judith Orloff, a psychiatrist and author specializing in empathetic communication, emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries and practicing self-care when dealing with strong personalities.
  • Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and expert on personality disorders, advises on strategies for managing challenging personalities and maintaining emotional well-being in relationships.
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10 Ways to Manage Your Panic Attacks

“In my experience, the words “now just calm down” almost inevitably have the opposite effect on the person you are speaking to.” – Elyn Saks

A panic attack is a sudden and intense feeling of fear or anxiety that can be overwhelming and debilitating. It is often accompanied by physical symptoms such as rapid heartbeat, difficulty breathing, dizziness, sweating, trembling, and a feeling of impending doom. Some people may also experience chest pain, nausea, and a fear of losing control or going crazy.

During a panic attack, the body’s fight or flight response is activated, even though there is no real danger. This response causes the physical symptoms of a panic attack and a heightened state of alertness and arousal.

Many things trigger panic attacks, social events, public speaking, conflict with family or coworkers, and situations reminiscent of past traumas. Sometimes, an accumulation of stress builds up over time and then pops up unexpectedly in a panic. 

Most people believe they have a heart attack when experiencing a panic attack. They often go to the emergency room or their doctor for a checkup. When the doctor cannot find anything physically wrong with them, they suggest that the individual might have had a panic attack and recommend talking to a mental health professional. 

Family and friends feel helpless around individuals who struggle with panic attacks. They can suggest useless advice or tell them to “calm down,” which never works. 

Mental health professionals might offer several strategies to cope with a panic attack:

  1. Focus on your breathing: Take slow, deep breaths through your nose and out through your mouth. This can help to calm your body and mind.
  2. Use positive self-talk: Remind yourself that you are safe and that the panic attack will pass.
  3. Find a peaceful place to relax: Find a quiet place where you can sit or lie down and relax.
  4. Use relaxation techniques: Try progressive muscle relaxation, visualization, or mindfulness meditation to help you relax.
  5. Find a focus object: Redirect your attention to something in clear sight and consciously notice all the details about that object, engaging all of your senses if possible.
  6. Picture a safe place, face, or space: Visualizing a place or location that holds a positive memory can be helpful to calm the nervous system. Additionally, you can picture someone safe or an activity that gives you joy. 
  7. Engage in light exercise: Taking a walk, stretching, or playing an outdoor game with someone can alleviate the stressful energy in your body.
  8. Use a mantra or affirmation: A positive statement, verse, song, or quote can redirect fear or worry about your condition and reset negative thoughts. 
  9. Change your life situation: If panic results from stress, consider distancing yourself from people, changing jobs, setting boundaries, or reorganizing living situations for your future health.
  10. Reach out to someone: Talk to a friend or loved one, or consider seeking support from a mental health professional.

The best time to deal with a panic attack is before you have a panic attack. Trying to deal with one in the middle is highly challenging to control. A daily practice of calming, affirming prayer and meditation, healthier living, and new perspectives can strengthen the body’s defenses, so the panic never comes up again. 

Panic attacks can be very distressing and may interfere with daily activities. It is essential to seek help from a mental health professional if you are experiencing panic attacks, as they can be treated effectively with therapy and medication. Consult Ron Huxley today if you are struggling with panic attacks and want help. 

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4 Ways to Get Clear on Why You Care So Much 

Caring is an important quality in one’s life. What would the world be like if we didn’t have caring people? Too much caring can create problems, however. Overcaring can cause fatigue, burnout, or secondary trauma, enabling addictive behaviors, preventing healthy child independence, rejection and estrangement from loved ones, and so much more. Finding a healthy balance is essential to living a healthier, happier life. The first step in this process is learning WHY you care so much so that you can find that balance.

Here are four ways to help you get clear on why you care so much that you can use:

Reading

Sounds too simple, right? The truth is that it is that simple…mostly! There are a lot of books and devotionals for people who care too much. Melodie Beattie is one of my favorite authors. She wrote the books Codepency No More, The Language of Letting Go, and Codepence Guilt to the 12 steps. Another classic is Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. I regularly recommend this book to families. Of course, there are other great reads, such as Women Who Do Too Much, Raising Empowered Children, Keeping Your Love On, Caregivers Survival Guide, The Heart of the Caregiver, and so many more.

In addition to books, there are YouTube videos and online courses that you can take to learn healthier caregiving lifestyles. Try one now at FamilyHealer.tv

Journaling 

You can use your computer, buy a specialized journal, or you can simply use a notebook you have created to journal. It’s up to you what type of system you use and whether it’s modern or analog. 

The important part is that you try to use your journal to express your thoughts, emotions, and stream of consciousness about a problem you’re trying to solve or a feeling you’re trying to explore without judgment or censoring. 

Write in your journal every day when you’re trying to understand why you care so much. You may end up discovering your life purpose or a new reason for getting up each day that you had not realized before. 

Become a Patron Sponsor of FamilyHealer.tv and get free journals and many more tools for living a happier life at FamilyHealer.tv

Meditation 

Before you use your journal, it can help to clear your mind using meditation. Meditation practice is all about not thinking and not judging your thoughts or feelings even as they still happen during the meditation. 

Each time you meditate, you can have a purpose of self-discovery or have a goal to clear your mind and relax. To practice this type of meditation, you’ll want to find a quiet, comfortable place to sit or lay down. Then concentrate on your goals for the meditation, close your eyes, and start focusing on your breathing. 

Think about the situation you’re trying to understand for a moment, then clear your mind. If any intrusive thoughts come in, brush them aside by refocusing on your breathing. You mustn’t allow any outside information or sensation to distract you during this time. 

Try using an app, like Headspace, Calm, 10% Happier, Stop Breath Think, or Abide.

Therapy 

These days you’re so fortunate because you can get psychological therapy from the comfort of your home using your computer or smartphone. Numerous companies offer this service and varying price points, but you can expect to pay $60 or more per hour to get therapy. In addition, many insurance companies include several sessions as part of your benefits.

If you seek therapy, make sure you find someone experienced working with you on overcoming people-pleasing and putting yourself last in life. Remember, your wants and needs matter too. Most therapists can guide you through the self-discovery process to finally know what you want and feel good about it regardless of the reactions from other people. 

Any or all three of these methods help you become crystal clear regarding your motivations to seek approval from others and even help you stop doing it. Remember, what you want from life is important too, and following someone else’s dreams will never get you what you want and need to feel successful and, more importantly, satisfied and content in your life. 

Let Ron Huxley help you today by scheduling a therapy session online. Just click here to start!

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Parenting and Pain

Parenting & Pain

By Ron Huxley, LMFT

It is hard to be on top of our parenting game when you are in a lot of emotional pain. This is especially challenging if the origin of this pain comes from the children that we are trying to parent. It might be simplistic to say but the pain is “painful.” It hurts! It shuts us down and drives a wall between us and others so we can’t be hurt anymore. We want to retreat to nurse our wounds before risking more in relationships. Unfortunately, the everyday tasks of life have to be completed and our children continue to need us. As a compromise to this situation, we become robotic in our actions. We are hyper-functional but we are hypo-relational. We get stuff done but we are just going through the motions and have no emotions to share. We are too raw!

If you are in this place, make a resolution to find some help through good friends, therapists, doctors, etc. There are a lot of support groups and parenting educations classes in your community. Be determined not to repeat past problems. Find new ideas and new support to achieve new, less painful interactions with your family. Second, be OK with being in a place of pain but don’t let it define you. You feel bad but YOU are not bad. Hurtful feelings are normal responses to hurtful actions they are not meant to be permanent. You will have better days again but don’t allow shame to pull you deeper into that dark place of despair. Set some boundaries, find some help and get mad a shame. It is not your friend!