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Helping Your ADHD Child Succeed in School

Strategies for Parents of Children with ADHD

Raising a child with ADHD presents unique challenges, especially when it comes to succeeding in school. Understanding these challenges and implementing effective strategies can make a significant difference in your child’s educational experience.

Common Challenges for Children with ADHD in School

  1. Distractibility and Inattention: Children with ADHD often struggle to focus on tasks. They can be easily distracted by noises or their own thoughts. This distraction leads to missed classroom information[5].
  2. Hyperactivity and Impulsivity: The need to move and difficulty with impulse control can make it hard for children to sit still. These children often struggle to stay seated. Listening quietly is often required in a classroom setting[5].
  3. Organizational Difficulties: Many children with ADHD have trouble organizing their school materials, managing time, and breaking assignments into manageable parts[2].
  4. Social Challenges: ADHD can affect social interactions, leading to difficulties in maintaining friendships and interacting with peers and teachers[3].
  5. Emotional Regulation: Children with ADHD may struggle with managing their emotions. This can lead to frustration and stress. This is especially true when tasks seem overwhelming[4].

Strategies to Help Children with ADHD Succeed in School

  1. Create a Structured Environment: Provide a consistent routine at home and work with teachers to make sure a structured classroom environment. This helps children know what to expect and reduces anxiety[1][2].
  2. Positive Reinforcement: Use a rewards system to encourage positive behavior and academic engagement. Recognizing achievements, no matter how small, can boost confidence and motivation[4].
  3. Develop Organizational Skills: Teach your child how to organize their schoolwork and break tasks into smaller, more manageable steps. Tools like planners or checklists can be helpful[2].
  4. Encourage Physical Activity: Allow for regular breaks and physical activity to help manage hyperactivity. This can include short exercises or simply allowing the child to move around during lessons[4].
  5. Collaborate with Educators: Keep open communication with your child’s teachers. Ensure they understand your child’s needs. They can then provide appropriate accommodations, such as extra time for tests or a quiet space for work[5].
  6. Focus on Social Skills: Help your child develop social skills through role-playing or social skills groups. Encourage positive interactions with peers to build friendships[3].
  7. Emotional Support: Teach your child strategies for managing emotions, such as deep breathing or positive self-talk. Building self-awareness can help them cope with stress and frustration[1].

Parents can play a crucial role in helping their children with ADHD succeed in school and beyond. This can be achieved by understanding the challenges and implementing these strategies.

Citations:
[1] https://www.beyondbooksmart.com/executive-functioning-strategies-blog/how-does-adhd-in-children-impact-academic-performance
[2] https://rvapediatrics.com/ADHD%E2%80%94Why-Is-My-Child-Having-Trouble-in-School
[3] https://www.cdc.gov/adhd/articles/school-changes-helping-children.html
[4] https://www.graduateprogram.org/2022/08/the-challenges-adhd-students-face/
[5] https://www.helpguide.org/articles/add-adhd/attention-deficit-disorder-adhd-and-school.htm
[6] https://childmind.org/article/whats-adhd-and-whats-not-in-the-classroom/
[7] https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/adhd-school.html
[8] https://www.helpguide.org/articles/add-adhd/attention-deficit-disorder-adhd-in-children.htm

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Trouble making decisions? Make a Pros and Cons list

Making a pros and cons list can be very helpful when someone feels overwhelmed and unsure how to proceed with a decision. Here are some key ways this approach can assist:

  1. Provides structure: Creating a list gives structure to scattered thoughts, helping organize the decision-making process[1]. This can reduce feelings of being overwhelmed by breaking down the choice into more manageable components.
  2. Visualizes the options: Seeing the pros and cons written out visually can make the decision clearer. It allows you to step back and look at the bigger picture rather than getting stuck on one particular aspect.
  3. Encourages thorough consideration: The act of listing pros and cons prompts you to think through various aspects of the decision more thoroughly. This can help uncover factors you may not have initially considered.
  4. Facilitates comparison: A pros and cons list allows for easier comparison between options, especially when dealing with complex decisions. This side-by-side view can highlight which choice has more advantages.
  5. Reduces emotional bias: Writing down pros and cons encourages a more objective evaluation of the options. This can help balance emotional reactions with logical considerations.
  6. Identifies priorities: As you list items, you may naturally emphasize certain pros or cons, helping you recognize what factors are most important to you in this decision.
  7. Provides a reference: Having a written list gives you something concrete to refer back to when you’re feeling uncertain, rather than trying to keep all the factors in your head.
  8. Facilitates discussion: If you’re seeking input from others, a pros and cons list provides a clear starting point for discussion and getting feedback.
  9. Builds confidence: Going through this process can help build confidence in your eventual decision, as you’ll know you’ve carefully considered multiple angles.

Remember, while a pros and cons list is a useful tool, it’s not the only factor in decision-making. It’s important to also consider your intuition, values, and long-term goals when making significant choices.

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The Four Stages of Competence and Personal Growth

The Four Stages of Competence model, developed by Martin M. Broadwell in 1969, provides a framework for understanding the process of acquiring new skills or knowledge. This model can be applied not only to learning specific tasks but also to personal growth and transformation after traumatic experiences.

Stage 1: Unconscious Incompetence

In this initial stage, an individual is unaware of their lack of knowledge or skill in a particular area. They are oblivious to their incompetence and may even overestimate their abilities.[2] In the context of personal growth, this stage represents a state of unawareness or denial about the need for change or self-improvement.

Stage 2: Conscious Incompetence

At this stage, the individual becomes aware of their deficiencies and recognizes the gap between their current state and the desired level of competence.[2] This realization can be uncomfortable and even painful, as it challenges one’s self-perception and confidence. In the realm of personal growth, this stage often follows a traumatic event or crisis that forces an individual to confront their limitations or unhealthy patterns.

Stage 3: Conscious Competence

In this stage, the individual actively engages in learning and practicing the new skill or knowledge. They are consciously aware of their progress and the effort required to improve.[3] Regarding personal growth, this stage involves actively working on self-improvement, seeking support, and implementing new strategies or behaviors to overcome challenges and develop healthier coping mechanisms.

Stage 4: Unconscious Competence

At this final stage, the individual has mastered the skill or knowledge to the point where it becomes second nature, requiring little conscious effort.[1] In the context of personal growth, this stage represents a state of integration and embodiment of the positive changes, where the new behaviors or mindsets have become ingrained and automatic.

The Four Stages of Competence model can be particularly relevant in the context of post-traumatic growth, which refers to the positive psychological changes that can occur after experiencing a traumatic event or adversity.[4] The process of post-traumatic growth often involves moving through these stages:

  1. Initially, individuals may be in a state of unconscious incompetence, unaware of the need for personal growth or change (Stage 1).
  2. The traumatic event or crisis forces them to confront their limitations, vulnerabilities, or unhealthy coping mechanisms, leading to conscious incompetence (Stage 2).
  3. Through therapy, self-reflection, and active efforts, individuals work on developing new perspectives, skills, and behaviors, entering the conscious competence stage (Stage 3).
  4. Over time, the positive changes become integrated and automatic, leading to unconscious competence and a sense of personal growth and resilience (Stage 4).

By understanding the Four Stages of Competence, individuals can better navigate the process of personal growth and post-traumatic transformation. It provides a framework for recognizing and embracing the discomfort of conscious incompetence as a necessary step towards growth, and it offers a roadmap for the journey towards embodying positive changes and achieving a sense of mastery over one’s life.[1][3]

Citations:
[1] https://www.mentaltoughness.partners/stages-of-competence/
[2] https://blog.hptbydts.com/in-a-nutshell-four-stages-of-competence
[3] https://scottjeffrey.com/four-stages-of-learning/
[4] https://www.businessballs.com/self-awareness/conscious-competence-learning-model/
[5] https://themindcollection.com/four-stages-of-competence/

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The Power of Momentum: Achieving Change Through Consistent Effort

When it comes to creating lasting change, motivation alone is often not enough. While motivation provides the initial spark and desire to take action, it’s momentum that truly propels us towards our goals through small, consistent efforts over time.[2]

Motivation is a fleeting state, fueled by willpower and mental strength. It can be challenging to sustain, especially for those dealing with trauma, stress, or other significant life challenges. Relying solely on motivation can lead to a cycle of starting strong but losing steam, leaving us feeling discouraged and unable to make meaningful progress.[3]

On the other hand, momentum is the force that keeps us moving forward, even when motivation wanes. It’s the habit of taking active steps, day after day, towards our desired outcome. Momentum doesn’t require the same level of mental fortitude as motivation; instead, it relies on the power of consistency and the compounding effect of small, incremental actions.[1]

Building Momentum: A Sustainable Path to Change

Creating momentum is about establishing routines and habits that align with your goals. By breaking down larger objectives into manageable tasks and incorporating them into your daily routine, you eliminate the need for constant motivation. These small, consistent efforts gradually build upon each other, creating a sense of forward motion and progress.[2]

“Small, consistent efforts over time will result in the momentum needed to see real change!”

One effective strategy for building momentum is to start with a single, achievable task and focus on making it a habit. Once that task becomes second nature, you can then introduce another small step, and so on. This approach allows you to build momentum gradually, without overwhelming yourself or relying too heavily on willpower.[3]

For example, if your goal is to improve your physical health, you could start by committing to a daily 10-minute walk. Once that becomes a habit, you could add a simple strength training routine or make a dietary change. Each small step reinforces the previous one, creating a snowball effect of positive change.

The Role of Momentum in Trauma and Stress Recovery

For individuals who have experienced trauma or are under significant stress, relying on motivation alone can be particularly challenging. Trauma and stress can deplete mental and emotional resources, making it difficult to summon the willpower required for sustained motivation.[4]

In these situations, building momentum through small, consistent actions can be a more accessible and sustainable approach to recovery and growth. By focusing on manageable tasks and establishing routines, individuals can gradually regain a sense of control and progress, without the added pressure of relying solely on motivation.

For example, someone recovering from trauma might start by committing to a daily journaling practice or a brief mindfulness exercise. As these small habits become ingrained, they can serve as a foundation for introducing additional coping strategies or therapeutic interventions.

Embracing the Power of Momentum

While motivation can provide an initial burst of energy and inspiration, true and lasting change often requires the sustained effort that comes from building momentum. By breaking down goals into manageable steps and consistently taking action, we can create a powerful force that propels us forward, even when motivation falters.

Embracing the power of momentum allows us to approach change in a more sustainable and accessible way, particularly for those facing significant life challenges. It’s a reminder that progress doesn’t require grand gestures or superhuman willpower; instead, it’s the culmination of small, consistent efforts that ultimately lead to transformative change.

———

Motivation’s wildfire blazes bright
Spurring heroic acts of might

But flames demand endless stoking
When willpower wanes, fire’s choking

Momentum whispers: “I’ll carry you through”
Asking little, just one step will do

One small action, then another
Mighty rivers, they will follow

Motivation craves grand feats
Momentum nurtures humble seeds

When trauma weighs heavy
Let momentum’s gentle flow
One breath, one step
The way ahead will show

Embrace motivation’s wildfire zeal
But tend momentum’s coals that glow

The small things, steadily unfurled
Change your world

——-

Citations:
[1] https://www.team3xt.com/blog/motivation-vs-momentum/
[2] https://barbstone.me/motivation-vs-momentum/
[3] https://camillemartinrd.com/why-momentum-matters-more-than-motivation-and-how-to-get-it/
[4] https://www.princetonhcs.org/care-services/princeton-house-behavioral-health/news-events/newsletters/winter-2019/motivational-interviewing-creating-momentum-for-change
[5] https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/truth-change-motivation-momentum-haley-gallant

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The Stubborn Heart!

Stubbornness can stem from various factors such as personality traits, past experiences, fear of vulnerability, or a need for control. Here’s an explanation of stubbornness, the reasons behind it, and strategies to shift out of stubborn behaviors:

Understanding Stubbornness:

  • Definition: Stubbornness refers to a firm, inflexible adherence to one’s ideas, opinions, or decisions, often resisting change or outside influence.

Reasons Behind Stubbornness:

Shifting Out of Stubbornness:

  • Practice Empathy: Encourage the individual to practice empathy by trying to understand others’ perspectives and feelings. Empathy can foster openness to different viewpoints and reduce defensiveness.
  • Flexibility and Adaptability: Help the individual cultivate a mindset of flexibility and adaptability. Emphasize the benefits of being open to change and willing to consider alternative solutions.
  • Active Listening: Teach active listening skills to enhance communication and foster understanding. Encourage the individual to listen attentively to others without immediately jumping to defend their position.
  • Seek Compromise: Emphasize the value of compromise and collaboration in relationships and decision-making. Encourage the individual to find common ground and work together towards mutually beneficial solutions.
  • Self-Reflection: Encourage self-reflection to explore the reasons behind their stubbornness. By understanding the underlying motivations for their behavior, they can begin to address and challenge them.
  • Mindfulness Practices: Suggest mindfulness techniques to help individuals become more aware of their thoughts, emotions, and reactions. Mindfulness can promote self-awareness and impulse control, reducing stubborn tendencies.
  • Therapy or Counseling: Consider recommending therapy or counseling to explore deeper issues contributing to stubbornness and develop healthier coping strategies. A mental health professional can provide support and guidance in shifting stubborn behaviors.

By addressing the root causes of stubbornness, practicing empathy and flexibility, and seeking professional support, individuals can gradually shift out of stubborn behaviors and cultivate more open-mindedness and adaptability in their interactions and decision-making processes.

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Oppositional Defiance in Teens

How do you deal with defiance in teenagers? All teens can be defiant some of the time. It can be a sign of healthy development as teens work to assert their own identity, but what happens when it is the daily pattern?

For oppositional behavior to be a true mental health diagnosis, a child must show a pattern of symptoms of angry/irritable, argumentative/defiant behavior, or vindictiveness for at least six months. Children and adolescents with ODD may have trouble controlling their temper and are disobedient and defy authority figures. Teenagers who present with these symptoms often have a history of depression or anxiety that coincides with this disorder. Treatment and medication that addresses these issues can reduce disruptive behavior as well.

As you can imagine, individuals with oppositional defiance also have problems making or keeping friends, performing in school, and can’t hold on to a job. Big problems with their own emotional regulation create chaos in relationships inside and outside the home.

Oppositional Defiance Disorder

Parents can learn new skills to manage their child’s disruptive moods and behaviors. Modeling how to collaboratively solve problems and using natural consequences decreases arguments and fights.

Using harsh discipline or aggressive behavior toward teenagers causes the situation to be worse. Authoritarian styles of parenting make get some control of teen behavior in the short term but create more problems over the long term and may ruin relationships with teens as they grow into adulthood. It may push teens into social conduct problems that result in them having trouble with law enforcement and being removed by social services.

Professionals use a “Child Behavior Checklist” to screen for criteria that meet the Diagnostic Manual of Mental Disorders definition of Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Other comorbid disorders may include ADHD, Conduct Disorder, Depressive or Bipolar Disorder, Intellectual Disability, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, Language and Expressive Disorders, Social Phobia, and Anxiety.

Individual and group therapy for teenagers can be helpful. Parents can also learn new skills for managing oppositional behaviors. Learning about attachment styles and generational patterns of trauma can also be beneficial. Reading books on normal teen development is also recommended.

If you need more help with your teen or want to learn how to better parent, contact Ron Huxley today and schedule a session.

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Helping children to be more resilient

Resiliency is the ability to adjust to life’s difficulties and overcome challenging and stressful situations. On a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the highest, how resilient are you? How resilient is your child?

Resilient parents don’t automatically have resilient children. This can be frustrating for parents who want their kids to get motivated about school, say no to bad choices, or accept rejection and failures. If your child scores low on the resiliency scale, you can build new skills to help them grow emotionally and mentally.

Resilience has several attributes that parents would love to see in their children:

  • Emotional awareness and regulation
  • Inner drive or motivation
  • Future focus and readiness for change
  • Strong social connections/relationships
  • Physical health, sleep, and diet

Creating this in your child will be a process that occurs over time. The hope is that children will show these characteristics by the time they turn 18 and leave the home but even if it takes longer it is a goal parents will want to continue nurturing in them.

Don’t compare your child to others. Focus on the qualities of your child only! Comparisons places to much pressure on you and your child and will sabotage your efforts to develop this mental strength.

Parents have to model resiliency. You can’t preach resiliency if you don’t practice resiliency. Children will always do what you do over what you say. Put words and actions together to encourage resiliency.

Peers have a strong pull on children actions contrary to what your teenager tries to tell you. Be aware of who they are interacting with and work to know your children’s friends and their family, if possible. You don’t have to ban a friend you feel is the best influence on your child but you can talk with your them your concerns and offer suggestions on how to set boundaries and stand up for themselves and what they believe in.

Start with emotions. The more you validate and empathize with your child the stronger their conscience development. A strong moral compass will help your child overcome tough circumstances and follow the right path. This way you don’t have to be hovering over their shoulder every minute. If your child handles a situation poorly or makes a wrong decision, be empathic but encourage them to try again. Isn’t this how we all learn? Focusing on your child’s emotional awareness will produce more resilient people. about changes in behavior and encourage your child’s friends to be at your home and offer your supervision over them. Children with high emotional awareness will be more resilient people.

Young children will need to increase their emotional vocabulary. Label feelings, explore different feelings, validate positive and uncomfortable emotions. Make feelings ok and don’t push them down or brush them off but don’t over focus on them. A good healthy, emotional balance translates into greater resiliency.

Older children can have more complex conversations about feelings and social situations. Don’t shy away from cultural discussions and world situations. Use them to explore thoughts and ideas, helping the older child to see all sides of an issue. A more open-minded approach will rap children who have better judgment and compassion.

You can learn more about resiliency by consulting with Ron Huxley through a free online course at FamilyHealer.tv or schedule a session today.

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W.O.R.K. With Your Teen’s Brain

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A particular area of interest for me is the teenage brain. It is one of the most rapidly changing periods of brain development. This is no surprise to parents who are trying to understand the rapidly changing personality of the teenager.

Perhaps the most dramatic area of development is the area called the prefrontal orbital brain. It is called this because it sits directly behind our eyeballs and it is responsible for abstract thought, moral reasoning, self-control, planning, judgment and so many other areas commonly associated with adults. This area is in constant flux, causing radical shifts in mood and attitude. This formation and reformation of the brain continue into young adulthood (the mid-20’s). I often joke with parents that while their child has the hardware upgrade, the software has not yet been installed. This is why the teen is capable of getting pregnant, driving a car or doing algebra but they don’t mean that they are completely ready for the adult world of intense responsibility or raising a family.

This poses significant challenges to parents who want to navigate the raging waters of adolescence, therefore, I am going to list four basic reminders to help parents stay sane when their child actions appear insane. I am using the acronym WORK to guide parents:

W = Remember that your child is still “wondering” about how the world works. He or she might try to convince you that they already know how it does but they don’t. They haven’t had enough experience yet for this to be possible. They need you to help them by asking “what if” questions that will explain some cause and effect relationship and assist them in planning out their day and making better judgments. Because their brain is still developing they use their “will” to fight you and cover up their inexperience. Don’t shame them. Train the “will” to find positive rewards in daily interactions. “Wait” for them to get it. It will take them longer than you as they haven’t traveled some of these morally sticky situations in life yet. Allow them a little more time to “wake” up to a new world of responsibilities and schedules.

O = Be “open” to “opportunities” for your teenage child to share some wisdom about the world and how to survive in it. Don’t preach at them as this will shut them down completely. “Occupy” the same space and look for openings when you are both in a good mood. The relational approach will be more effective and allow more “objective” conversation between you. Remember that “obedience” at this age is really about natural consequences or trial and error for the teenager. The will learn more about doing then lecturing. Being a good role model will help them understand how to use the “operators” manual called their brain more than lots of words at this time of life.

R = “Relationship” is one of the toughest things to have with the teen but one of the most important tasks a parent can do for their child. You may only have a split-second when the door is open wide enough to have that former intimacy but use it when you can. It will pay huge ‘rewards” for both of you later in life. “Recognize” that the teen is in process. They are still not fully cooked and need more time in the oven of life before they can be expected to make better decisions. They will “reflect” their peers and “respond” more from other inexperienced teenagers over their own, more experienced parents. This is not a true sign of his “respect” or “rejection.” The teen is just trying to find their own way. Don’t take this personal. “Rebelliousness” is the other side of the “readiness” coin of maturity.

K = Be “kind” to your teen as they developmentally, socially, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Turn the proverbial other cheek and smile when they growl. Reach out again when they slap away your hand. The “key” to relating to the teenager is a long-term vision. This isn’t just about today. It is about the next 10, 20, 30, 40 years of your life together. The cold response you get from that teen-child today will “kindle” into a stronger fire connection later in life. Work with that end in mind. Keep in mind this is your “kin.” They may be more like you than you care to admit. They share your nature and your nurture and need your “kudo’s” for every positive effort and the end result you can give.

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The Emotionally Regulated Classroom

Screen Shot 2017-10-20 at 11.59.21 AM

It’s been reported that one out of every four children attending school has been exposed to a traumatic event that can affect their learning and/or behavior. Educators need the right information, with the right tools, to be prepared at the right time.

When children have experienced chronic and pervasive trauma, their thinking skills are literally hijacked by their emotional brain, shutting down their ability to focus, initiate tasks, follow directions, organize work, and control impulses. Everything a child needs to be successful in school.

The Emotionally Regulated Classroom:

Screen Shot 2017-10-20 at 12.07.10 PM

Educators can model emotional self-regulation for their students.

They can demonstrate how to notice, name, and respond to intense feelings instead of reacting to them. Doing so, will build resilience within and beyond the classroom.

Educators can use classroom design to prepare a space that promotes self-regulation. Classrooms should, generally, be well organized, clean, well-labeled, and provide resources for overwhelmed students.

Many of the principles and techniques used to interact with students with trauma are broadly applicable to conversations with all students.

Clear, assertive, comfortable communication can establish trust and provide structure.

However, it is important for educators to realize that the emotional and social needs of students with trauma are different.

Students should be made aware, in a clear, specific fashion, what their teachers and staff expect of them.

School discipline policies should be communicated at the beginning of the year to all students, faculty, and staff, and should be consistently described.

Allowing students an opportunity to inquire about, and even challenge, rules, will increase their sense of procedural justice.

If students perceive the procedures as basically transparent and fair, they are more likely to go along with an individual decision or policy they do not agree with.

Regulation Strategies for the Classroom:

Screen Shot 2017-10-20 at 12.09.30 PM

One strategy to regulated the classroom is called “Two Before Me.”

In a group discussion, a student may initially speak up whenever they have the opportunity & are called on.

However, after speaking, a student must wait for at least two other people to speak before they can raise their hand or contribute again.

This prevents conversations from being dominated by a limited few people and can reduce conflict/arguments.

Another strategy is the “Suggestion Box.”

Students with trauma often find it scary to communicate their needs or express displeasure.

Students who have been neglected may not be used to identifying or sharing needs at all.

To encourage these students to express their needs, supply them with a suggestion box or cubby hole in a circumspect place in your classroom.

Set aside a weekly or monthly time where the contents of the box are discussed or provide written answers to students concerns on a bulletin board.

You can name this box something other than a suggestion box. Perhaps call it a comment box or question box or come up with a name the class decides together. Remind students that it is OK to write feelings they are uncomfortable to say out loud as long as the feeling is not directed at a specific person, or intended to cause harm.

In the “Ouch/Oops” strategy,  the classroom learns how to manage hurt feelings and resolve conflicts.

If your class adopts this rule, anyone is free to say “Ouch” if something a peer or teacher says rubs them the wrong way.

For example, if someone said something hurtful, accusatory, or generally offensive, the person who caused the “Ouch” is required to say “Oops”. It is then up to the person who said “Ouch” to determine how the conflict should be resolved, like having a private discussion or a mediation with the teacher or other peers.

Educators will need to watch for misuses of this strategy, such as a student using “Ouch” frequently to derail a conversation or target a disliked peer. Also, students may “Ouch” something benign a teacher says that they don’t like, such as assignment due date. And students may refuse to respond with an “Oops” if there are no firm rules on it.

If necessary, educators may want to restrict this strategy to personal discussions to prevent misuse.  Generally speaking, older students are somewhat more likely to use “Ouch/Oops” strategy correctly but with some practice, it can be a useful regulation tool for all ages.

References:

https://store.samhsa.gov/product/TIP-57-Trauma-Informed-Care-in-Behavioral-Health-Services/SMA14-4816
http://kids-alliance.org/programs/education/edtoolkit/

Click to access TipSheetFor_Polyvictimization.pdf

Community Based Interventions
https://developingchild.harvard.edu/science/national-scientific-council-on-the-developing-child/

GET MORE Trauma-Informed Tools by contacting Ron Huxley at rehuxley@gmail.com for a consultation or in-services at your next event or conference. Click here for more information. 

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A family is a group of power-full people…

Ron’s Reading: Keep Your Love On: Connection Communication And Boundaries

One of the most common aggravations experienced by parents is the “power struggle”. It usually happens when the parent has to get to work or needs to finish dinner or help the child with their homework. Right in the middle of this urgent time, the child decides to exercise their will and demand a treat or refuse to put on their shoes or wants to argue about some topic they really don’t know anything about. Regardless of the circumstances, the outcome is two yelling, arguing, snorting, bug-eyed people who just want the other person to do what they want them to do. No fun for anyone!

Why does this happen so often in families? Danny Silk is one of my favorite authors and I recommend his books to many of the parents I work within family therapy or parenting workshops. In his book: “Keeping Your Love On: Connections, Communication & Boundaries” he shares how a family is a group of powerful people who are trying to learn how to live in powerful ways. He writes: “If you heard someone described as a powerful person, you might assume he or she would be the loudest person in the room, the one telling everyone else what to do. But powerful does not mean dominating. In fact, a controlling, dominating person is the very opposite of a powerful person. Powerful people do not try to control other people. They know it doesn’t work, and it’s not their job. Their job is to control themselves.”

The trick, for parents, is not to demand respect but to create a respectful environment where non-respect, talking back and control simply can’t exist. There just isn’t enough oxygen for those negative elements to survive. Learning how to be a powerful and responsible person is one of the most important tasks of parenting.

You can get more information (and read along with me) on Danny’s book here: Keep Your Love On: Connection Communication And Boundaries