When life hits hard, most of us naturally focus on damage control. We try to solve problems, push through negative feelings, or simply survive until things get better. But what if there’s another way to cope—one that doesn’t ignore the tough stuff but adds something powerful to the mix?
A Different Approach to Stress
Professor Judith Moskowitz, a researcher at Northwestern University, stumbled onto something important while studying people going through one of life’s most difficult experiences: watching a partner die from AIDS. She was asking participants about their stress, pain, and struggles when something unexpected occurred. The participants pushed back.
“You’re only asking us about the bad stuff,” they told her. “What about the good things that are helping us get through this?”
At first, this seemed almost impossible. How could people facing such devastating loss talk about positive experiences? But as Moskowitz listened, she realized something profound: even in the darkest moments, people were finding glimmers of light. And those who could see these bright spots seemed to be coping better overall.
This observation changed everything. Instead of focusing solely on reducing negative emotions, Moskowitz began studying how positive emotions could serve as a tool for handling life’s inevitable challenges.
It’s Not About Pretending Everything’s Fine
Before we go further, let’s be clear about what this approach is not. It’s not about slapping on a fake smile, pretending problems don’t exist, or falling into the trap of “toxic positivity”—that harmful idea that you should just think your way out of every situation.
Life is complicated, and so are our emotions. You can feel grateful and sad at the same time. You can find moments of joy even while grieving. You can appreciate a sunset while worrying about tomorrow. The goal isn’t to replace difficult emotions but to make room for helpful ones alongside them.
Think of it like this: if you’re walking through a storm, you don’t pretend it’s sunny. But you might notice a sturdy tree that offers shelter, or feel grateful for the warm coat you’re wearing. The storm is still real, but you’re not missing the resources that can help you weather it.
A Toolkit for Tough Times
Moskowitz and her team developed a practical set of skills that anyone can learn and use. These aren’t magic solutions—they’re more like exercises for your emotional well-being. Just like physical exercise, they are most effective when practiced regularly.
Notice the Good Stuff
This might sound obvious, but when we’re stressed, our brains naturally focus on threats and problems. We must intentionally seek out positive moments, no matter how small. Maybe it’s your morning coffee tasting just right, a text from a friend, or noticing that the traffic light turned green just as you approached it.
The key is actively paying attention. Good things happen every day, but we often miss them when we’re caught up in our worries.
Savor the Positive Moments
When something good does happen, don’t let it slip by unnoticed. Take a moment to really experience it. Share it with someone, write it down, or simply pause to appreciate it fully. Think of it like a slow-motion replay for positive experiences—you’re amplifying the good feeling by giving it your full attention.
Practice Gratitude
This goes beyond just saying “thanks.” It’s about intentionally noticing things you appreciate, from the big (having people who love you) to the small (having clean water to drink). Some people keep gratitude journals, others just take a few minutes each day to mentally list what they’re thankful for.
Stay Present
When we’re stressed, our minds often race between past regrets and future worries. Mindful awareness means gently bringing your attention back to the present moment. This isn’t about meditation retreats or complicated techniques—it can be as simple as focusing on your breathing for a few minutes or really noticing what you’re seeing, hearing, or feeling right now.
Being present also helps you notice those joyous moments that are easy to miss when your mind is elsewhere.
Look for Silver Linings
Positive reappraisal means finding ways to reframe challenging situations. This isn’t about convincing yourself that bad things are actually good—it’s about looking for any genuine positives that might exist alongside the negatives.
Perhaps a job loss led to the discovery of a new career path. Possibly a health scare motivated you to take better care of yourself. Or maybe a difficult situation taught you something about your own strength. Moskowitz says this is her personal go-to skill because it can be used in almost any situation.
Recognize Your Strengths
When life feels overwhelming, it’s easy to feel helpless. But you have resources, skills, and strengths that have helped you through tough times before. Taking time to identify these qualities—whether it’s your sense of humor, your ability to listen to others, or your determination—can remind you that you’re not powerless.
Set Small, Achievable Goals
Big problems can feel impossible to solve, but breaking them down into tiny, manageable pieces makes them less overwhelming. Instead of “get my life together,” try “organize one drawer today” or “call one person back.” Each small accomplishment gives you a little boost of positive emotion and builds momentum.
Moskowitz found this particularly helpful during the pandemic, when everything felt uncertain and out of control.
Do Something Kind
Helping others—even in small ways—shifts your focus outward and often brings unexpected positive feelings. It doesn’t have to be dramatic. You might let someone merge in traffic, send an encouraging text, or help a neighbor with their groceries.
Acts of kindness remind us that we can still make a positive difference, even when we’re struggling ourselves.
Be Gentle with Yourself
Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness you’d show a good friend going through a hard time. Instead of harsh self-criticism, try to understand that suffering is a natural part of being human, and you deserve care and patience, especially from yourself.
The Evidence Is Real
This might all sound like common sense, but research shows these practices actually work. Studies have found connections between gratitude and improved physical health. Moskowitz’s own research has shown that people who learn these skills experience improved emotional well-being, and some studies are even finding effects on physical health measures.
The approach has been tested with people facing various challenges: those dealing with depression, caregivers, people with chronic pain, and everyday folks just trying to cope with life’s stresses.
Making It Work in Real Life
Like physical fitness, these emotional skills require regular practice to see sustained benefits. You can’t just try gratitude once and expect lasting change. The key is building these practices into your daily routine until they become as automatic as brushing your teeth.
Start small. Pick one or two skills that resonate with you and practice them for a few weeks. Notice what happens. You might be surprised at how such simple practices can help you feel more resilient and capable of handling whatever life throws your way.
The Bottom Line
When you’re going through tough times, don’t underestimate the power of positive emotions. They’re not frivolous add-ons to “real” coping—they’re legitimate tools that can help you navigate challenges more effectively.
You don’t have to choose between acknowledging your problems and finding moments of positivity. You can do both. And when you do, you might find that you’re not just surviving difficult times—you’re building skills that make you stronger for whatever comes next.
The research is clear: these simple practices might seem small, but their impact can be significant. In a world that often feels overwhelming, that’s a message worth holding onto.
Ron Huxley LMFT 