Marriage is a partnership that requires ongoing effort from both parties. However, one spouse may sometimes be reluctant to put in the work needed to improve or maintain the relationship. Whether you’re a husband or wife facing this challenge, there are strategies you can employ to encourage your partner to invest in your marriage.
Understanding Resistance
Before diving into solutions, it’s essential to understand why a spouse might resist working on the marriage. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes that resistance often stems from:
- Fear of change
- Feeling overwhelmed
- Past failures in addressing issues
- Lack of hope for improvement
Recognizing these underlying factors can help you approach the situation with empathy and patience.
Strategies for Encouraging Participation
1. Lead by Example
Dr. Sue Johnson, developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy, emphasizes the power of modeling desired behavior. Start by working on yourself and demonstrating the positive changes you want to see in your relationship.
Example: Sarah noticed her husband Tom was distant and uninterested in date nights. Instead of pushing him, she focused on her personal growth and started planning enjoyable activities. Tom became curious about her positive attitude and began showing interest in joining her.
2. Improve Communication
Clear, non-confrontational communication is critical. Dr. Gary Chapman, author of “The 5 Love Languages,” suggests:
- Using “I” statements to express your feelings
- Avoiding blame and criticism
- Actively listening to your partner’s concerns
Example: Instead of saying, “You never want to talk about our problems,” try, “I feel disconnected when we don’t discuss our relationship. Can we set aside some time to talk?”
3. Create a Safe Environment
Dr. Harriet Lerner, author of “The Dance of Connection,” stresses the importance of creating a safe space for vulnerability. This means:
- Avoiding judgment
- Showing appreciation for small efforts
- Being patient with the process
Example: When Mike finally opened up about his insecurities in the marriage, his wife Lisa thanked him for his honesty and reassured him of her commitment to working things out together.
4. Seek Professional Help
Sometimes, an outside perspective can make a significant difference. Dr. John Gottman recommends couples therapy as a way to:
- Gain new insights into your relationship
- Learn effective communication tools
- Address deep-seated issues
Example: After months of tension, Maria suggested couples counseling to her reluctant husband, Carlos. She framed it as a way to improve their communication skills rather than “fixing” their marriage, which helped Carlos feel more open to the idea.
5. Focus on Positive Reinforcement
Dr. Shelly Gable’s research on active-constructive responding shows the power of positive reinforcement. Celebrate small wins and improvements in your relationship.
Example: When David started helping more around the house, his wife Emma expressed her appreciation and enthusiastically encouraged him to continue his efforts.
Dealing with Continued Resistance
If your spouse remains resistant despite your efforts, it’s essential to:
- Set boundaries for yourself
- Continue self-improvement
- Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist
- Consider your long-term options and personal well-being
Remember, you can’t force someone to change, but you can create an environment that encourages growth and connection.
Encouraging a reluctant spouse to work on your marriage requires patience, understanding, and consistent effort. By focusing on your growth, improving communication, and creating a safe environment for vulnerability, you increase the chances of your partner joining you to strengthen your relationship. Remember that every marriage is unique; what works for one couple may not work for another. Be willing to adapt your approach and seek professional help when needed.
Ron Huxley LMFT 