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12 New Year’s Resolutions for Happier Families

As I wrote around this time a year ago, I love making New Year’s resolutions. For me, it’s a moment to take stock of where I am, and where I want to be, and of all the things I’ve said I hoped to do and have or haven’t done — and why. The resolutions I fail at are always the ones I didn’t really want to keep.

This year, for the first time, I hope to gather my family and persuade them to talk about what we did and didn’t do well as a family this year, and to make a family resolution: Who do we want to be together in 2013? (My husband will say that he wants us to be a family that does not make New Year’s resolutions.)

In that spirit, I asked authors I admire to offer one single resolution to help shape a happier family life in the year ahead.


Brené Brown, author of “Daring Greatly and The Gifts of Imperfection”: One intention our family is setting for 2013 is to make more art. It doesn’t matter if it’s more photography, more painting, experimenting in the kitchen, or building the LEGO Death Star (which is our family project right now). I want to create together. It keeps us connected and spiritually grounded.

Andrew and Caitlin Friedman, authors of “Family, Inc.: Take a meeting with your partner or family. Spending just 30 minutes a week on our to-do list, schedule and brainstorming bigger decisions really helped us take control of the chaos that is working parenthood.

Po Bronson, co-author of “NurtureShock” and the forthcoming “Top Dog” (January 2013): Our resolution in our family is pretty simple: argue less, talk more. Even though in “NurtureShock” we wrote that arguing is the opposite of lying, and it is, there’s a lot of arguing that’s just about arguing, and we hope for less of it.

Ashley Merryman, co-author of “NurtureShock” and the forthcoming “Top Dog” (January 2013): This year, I want to sit less. You can read that as “need to exercise” – true enough – but sitting also means I’m spending too much time online, watching too much TV, and so on. Instead, I want to do more meaningful things with people I care about.

Bruce Feiler, “This Life” columnist for Sunday Styles and author of “Walking the Bible”, “Abraham” and “The Secrets of Happy Families” (coming in February): Bribe more creatively (fewer direct rewards for good behavior; more unanticipated praise and surprise adventures). Celebrate more fully (worry less about bad moments; make more of the good). Play more often.

Madeline Levine, author of “Teach Your Children Well”: I resolve to lead with my ears and not my mouth. I’ve yet to meet a child who feels like they’ve been listened to too much.

Asha Dornfest, founder of Parent Hacks and co-author of “Minimalist Parenting: Enjoy Modern Family Life More by Doing Less”: Embrace the idea of course correction. When faced with a parenting decision, briefly survey your options then make the best choice you can, knowing you can recalculate your route to the destination as the situation — and your family — changes.

Christine Koh, founder of Boston Mamas and co-author of “Minimalist Parenting: Enjoy Modern Family Life More by Doing Less”: Strive for a less frantic family calendar in 2013 by finding your “Goldilocks level of busy.” Review the last couple of months of your family calendar and identify how many events or activities made your weeks feel too crazy, too slow or just right. Shoot for the “just right” number each week.

Gretchen Rubin, author of “The Happiness Project” and “Happier at Home”: It’s easy to fall into the bad habit of barely looking up from games, homework, books or devices when family members come and go. For that reason, in my family, we made a group resolution to “give warm greetings and farewells.” This habit is surprisingly easy to acquire — it doesn’t take any extra time, energy or money — and it makes a real difference to the atmosphere of home.

Rivka Caroline, author of “From Frazzled to Focused” (@SoBeOrganized): Keep adding to your “to-don’t” list. As frustrating as it is, there just isn’t time for everything. Every “to-don’t” makes room for a “to-do.”

Laura Vanderkam, author of “What the Most Successful People Do on the Weekend”: Think about how you want to spend your downtime. Weekends, evenings and vacations can be opportunities for adventure, but we often lose them in front of the TV because we fail to plan. In 2013, make a bucket list of the fun you want to have as a family — then get those ideas on the calendar.

Michelle Cove, author of “I Love Mondays, and Other Confessions from Devoted Working Moms”: The next time you’re about to apologize to anyone — children, colleagues — ask yourself if you’ve really done anything wrong. Too often, we moms apologize by default.

Follow KJ Dell’Antonia on Twitter at @KJDellAntonia or find her on Facebook and Google

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via parenting.blogs.nytimes.com

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What to Do if Your Child Is a Loner

My son is very much a loner at his high school. He was never a very popular child, but in the last year, he has become more and more isolated. I know he would never become violent, but I worry about how to help him. When I try to get him to join clubs or call old friends, he refuses. I don’t know what to do.

We all knew one in high school; the nerd, the loner, the geeky kid who sat in the back of the class and didn’t say much. As teenagers, we didn’t have the skills to reach out to classmates who seemed different from us, not to mention the fact that most of us were afraid to risk sacrificing whatever social status we had by befriending a kid who was “weird.”

Mostly sweet and sensitive, socially awkward kids quietly inhabit the fringes of our world. If they’re lucky, they have one similarly-afflicted friend; someone to take the edge off the loneliness of not fitting in, someone to eat lunch and play video games with them.

But many, like your boy, don’t have a someone. They move like a shadow through their school day, desperately waiting for the end-of-school bell that signals relief from the seven hours of social hell. Some – those who are simply shy – come back to life when they get home, becoming animated, fiesty and fully engaged with family members.

Others, however, remain isolated, even in the midst of family. They retreat to their room, often spending hours in front of some kind of screen to numb their pain, boredom and depression. They often form alliances – “friendships” – with similar kids online, playing group online video games where their particular skill set feels valued, and where they experience a sense of belonging or importance.

Most of the kids I’ve worked with like your son go through the motions of daily life with a heavy heart, and are very much in need of help and support.

One young man I worked with taught me the importance of even the smallest gesture of kindness. Jeff* was a great kid – funny, very smart, emotionally immature and terribly awkward. Each time he came to see me he would catalog, in great detail, the ways he had been ignored or excluded. Jeff’s odd demeanor and quirky comments alienated others. He felt invisible.

I was always touched when this young man would tell me about someone who had acknowledged him with a simple, “Hi, Jeff,” or ask how he was doing on a science project. The fact that someone knew his name, or made even a small effort to connect, would lift his spirits for days.

Here are a few suggestions for helping kids like your son, both for you as a parent, and for those of us who have a youngster in our world whose day might be brightened if we became the one person who reached out:

• Avoid lecturing, shaming or advising. Many kids who suffer from social awkwardness are admonished by their parents to try harder to be friendly. While some may benefit from this advice, making your son feel that he is at fault for his lack of friendships can feel excrutiating, and will certainly make him resistant to any input or guidance you might have to offer.

• Don’t pepper him for information about his day. In your eagerness to draw your son out of his shell you may end up coming across as though you’re interrogating him. “How was your day?” “Did you talk to anyone?” “Who did you eat lunch with?” Kids who are socially awkward are usually quite sensitive, and can be easily flooded by too many questions.

• Create space for your youngster to connect with you at home in his own way. Come alongside, rather than at him. Don’t demand face to face conversation if he is more comfortable talking while the two of you are driving somewhere, or unloading the dishwasher. Show interest in the things he’s interested in, allowing him to come your way without feeling pushed or pressured.

• Identify and nurture his gifts. Social Intelligence is one of the eight forms of intelligence identified by psychologist Howard Gardner. Kids who easily establish rapport and forge friendships are strong in this form of intelligence, but there are many other expressions of genius, including Musical, Logic/Mathematic, Verbal/Linguistic, Naturalist, Visual/ Spatial, Body/ Kinesthetic and Intrapersonal Intelligence. Help your son identify his natural interests, and arrange for opportunities to explore and develop his unique talents.

• Provide him with a mentor. While your son may not have stellar social skills, he’s great at something. Whether it’s playing guitar, designing computer graphics or juggling, look for someone–perhaps a college kid, or a tutor at the local Boys and Girls Club–who can take him under his wing. These get togethers will provide him with the chance to develop his talents and improve his conversational skills in a more relaxed setting.

• Find outside groups or clubs he can join. Whether it’s a church or temple youth group, an after school computer club, or a volunteer organization, your son may come to life in a smaller setting where there are older kids/ counselors who can help youngsters feel accepted and celebrated as they are.

• Get professional help. There was once a stigma attached to therapy or counseling, but that is changing. There is no shame in seeking outside support for your son, and he may open up to someone skillful at drawing him out in ways that would surprise you. I have worked with very withdrawn young men and women whose parents warned me by saying, “I doubt if he’ll say more than two words to you.” These very kids often talked non-stop once their parent left the room, desperately relieved to have found a safe place to offload their pent up feelings.

In the aftermath of the tragic shootings in Sandy Hook, the focus on mental health came to the forefront as it was discovered that the perpetrator was a reportedly isolated and troubled teen. We cannot make it the sole responsibility of classmates, teachers or even parents to heal out a socially awkward youngster who may need professional help, but we can each pay more attention to those young men and women in our midst who struggle to create and maintain friendships. Even the smallest expression of care and interest can help boost the confidence of a child like your son. I hope he gets the help he needs and deserves.

Do you have a question for the Parent Coach? Send it to askparentcoach@gmail.com and you could be featured in an upcoming column.

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Parenting through grief

Staying strong through tough times

Losing a loved one is probably the worst thing that can happen to someone.

When you are grieving a loss, continuing to be present as a parent can be difficult — especially if your children are grieving too. How can you give your children what they need during this time, when you aren’t even sure what you need?

Grief is a journey like no other. When you are a parent, you can’t just put your children on hold while you sort out your feelings of sadness and loss. Life goes on, children need stability and they may be dealing with grief as well.

Help yourself first

Jennifer Shurnas was in her early 40s when she experienced the sudden and horrific death of her husband. She was faced not only with grieving the loss of her husband of almost 20 years, but with helping her three daughters through the experience as well. “One metaphor that describes parenting during grief is the airplane oxygen mask instruction which flight attendants give you — in order to help your children you must first help yourself,” Shurnas shares. “Fundamentally, you can’t help your child unless you are helping yourself.” Find the support you need in close friends, family members or a therapist. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need, and accept offers of help when offered.

Got grief?

“Don’t hide your feelings,” advises Christina Steinorth, licensed psychotherapist and author of Cue Cards for Life: Thoughtful Tips for Better Relationships. “Many parents make the mistake of ‘being strong for the children’ and hiding their feelings of grief.” Especially when the children are also grieving the loss, it is helpful for them to see how adults process those same feelings. “Parents need to know that it’s OK for their children to see them sad,” says Steinorth. “When parents hide their feelings while the kids are grieving too, it doesn’t help children learn to process grief. It almost teaches them that it’s not OK to be sad and have feelings of loss and hurt.”

“Each year we release three dozen red, white and blue balloons
into the sky in his memory.”

“A child observing your own grief, mourning and processing makes you authentically human and credible to them — someone they can relate to,” shares Shurnas. “It sends a message that it’s OK for them to do the same.” Depending on the age of the child, they will understand and process feelings of grief and loss differently — but look to parents and other adults for guidance.

“While each individual’s grief journey is unique, they will hopefully settle into their own process with your guidance and the guidance of others,” says Shurnas. Each of her three daughters found a different way to work through mourning their father. “My youngest child made and edited amazing videos of her father and dubbed them to music. My middle child would draw for hours at a time, and my eldest would talk and write about her feelings,” she remembers. Her own way of working through mourning involved touching objects that belonged to her husband, reading things that he wrote, looking at photographs and writing.

What helps

Sometimes, just having someone who counts on you each day is enough to make you keep moving forward. “It isn’t an easy balancing act,” Shurnas adds, “but my desire to take care of my children while making endless necessary decisions actually saved me from falling into a deep ditch of depression. Quite simply, my daughters indirectly saved me.” After the initial period of mourning passes, many find that trying to return to a regular routine of work and family commitments helps them stay on track as parents — and helps their children see that life goes on.

For some families, observing special days of remembrance or having rituals they can perform together helps. Shurnas and her daughters decided to have special rituals from time to time to acknowledge her husband’s spirit and keep the good memories of him close to their hearts. “For example,” she shares, “his favorite holiday was the Fourth of July — Independence Day. So, each year we release three dozen red, white and blue balloons into the sky in his memory. Red represents the love we have for him, the white is for peace in our hearts and the blue represents our releasing our ‘blues.’”

Parenting can be difficult as you face the emotional challenges of grief and loss. By including your children in your process of grief and recovery, you are teaching them a life lesson and helping yourself at the same time.

via sheknows.com

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The Ambiguous Loss Syndrome

Ambiguous Loss

Have you ever lost something you know still exists? Perhaps it was an old picture, a sentimental letter or your favorite pair of shoes. Initially, you search and search for the item but you cannot recover it. It eats away at you, day after day, until you are lucky enough to be reunited with it. When this happens, you give a big sigh of relief, the panic eventually subsides and you move forward with your life.

This same scenario can apply to children in the foster care system. They have been separated from what is most precious to them, their families. They know that their family members still exist, but they cannot live with them. Clearly, those children who are reunited with their families feel a great sense of relief. The children who remain in care hold onto the hope of reunifying with their families as long as they are in foster care. Their losses are unresolved.

Ambiguous loss is also known as an unresolved loss. Boss, 1999, defined ambiguous loss as the grief or distress associated with a loss (usually a person or relationship) in which there is confusion or uncertainty about the finality of the loss. There are two types of ambiguous loss:

1. When the person is physically present but psychologically unavailable. An example of this might be when a child’s parent has a mental health diagnosis or a substance use issue that makes him/her emotionally unavailable to meet the needs of the child, even if that parent is physically present.

2. When the person is physically absent but psychologically present. Examples of this would be when a child does not live with a parent due to divorce, incarceration, foster care or adoption (Boss, 1999).

For children in foster care, ambiguous loss occurs over and over again and is very difficult to process. Children who enter foster care often lose contact with their birth parents, their siblings, other family members, friends and their physical surroundings. They enter uncertain situations and are left wondering if the separation from their biological families will be permanent or temporary. Frequently, the biological family stays psychologically present in the child’s mind, even though the biological family members are not physically present. While in care, many foster children fluctuate between hope and hopelessness with regard to reunification. This is due to the ambiguous loss, which causes them to block themselves from forming healthy attachments to their new foster families. To gain a better understanding of a foster child experiencing an ambiguous loss, consider the example of this 11-year-old boy who was in foster care:

I knew that my mom kept thinking about getting us back and that helped me hang on. She told me she wanted us back. I just could never give up on my mom even though she did so much stuff. I know no matter what she put me through she still loved me. There was no way I was going to call my foster mother Mom. I got a mother. At times my mom said she couldn’t stop thinking about us and wanted to kill herself because she wasn’t with us. I thought one day she will come back and get me, wake up and realize what she did wrong. After all the pain you go through you hope there is happiness waiting for you in the end (Manuel, age 11).

Nationally, there are 463,000 children in foster care, 49% of whom are slated for reunification with their biological parents. With this in mind, it is essential that professionals working with foster children and foster parents understand the concept of ambiguous loss and work with their clients to create more stable relationships between foster parents and their foster children (www.childwelfare.gov).

How Foster Parents Can Cope Ambiguous loss can be difficult for many foster parents to comprehend if they do not have a clear understanding of its role in the foster child’s life. As outsiders, we expect the foster child to be as angry as we are at the biological parents who caused them pain. We cannot understand why the children want to have anything to do with their biological parents after being treated so badly. This may be our reality, but it is not the foster child’s reality. Extreme loyalty remains between the child and the biological family members, and hope of returning home is kept alive by phone contact or visits with biological parents who tell them that they are attempting to regain custody. These statements by parents underscore for the children that reunification is not a fantasy; it can be a reality. Since the loss is unresolved, the children find it very difficult to detach from their biological parents and attach to a new caregiver; their parents are still very much alive.

Foster parents can ease the transition for themselves and their foster children by recognizing the symptoms of ambiguous loss prior to the child entering the home. These symptoms often include: Difficulty with changes and transitions, even seemingly minor ones like sleeping in a new bed Trouble making decisions Feelings of being overwhelmed when asked to make a choice Problems coping with routine childhood or adolescent losses (last day of school, death of a pet, move to a new home, etc.) A sort of learned helplessness and hopelessness due to a sense that he has no control over his life Depression and anxiety Feelings of guilt Fear of attachment Lack of trust

(www.nacac.org). Foster parents can also help alleviate the ambiguous foster child’s anxieties and fears and create a healthy attachment by:

Acknowledging that the foster child’s biological family still exists; denial can be a real enemy. Not taking sides but spending time exploring the foster child’s feelings if he is open to this.

Giving a voice to the ambiguity – give a name to the feelings of ambiguous loss and acknowledge how difficult it is to live with this ambiguity.

Learning to redefine what it means to be a family, both foster and biological. Giving your foster children permission to have feelings about being separated from their family of origin without feeling guilty.

Helping the child identify what has been lost (the loss may not be limited to the actual parent – loss could also include the membership of that extended family, the loss of the home or town, the loss of having a family that looks like them or the loss of their family surname.

Create a “loss box.” In her work with adopted adolescents, therapist Debbie Riley guides youth as they decorate a box in which they place items that represent things they’ve lost. This gives them both a ritual for acknowledging the loss and a way for them to revisit the people or relationships in the future.

Creating a life book and writing in the birthdays and names of their biological family members. Understanding that sometimes certain events trigger feelings of loss, such as holidays, birthdays or the anniversary of an adoption.

Alter or add to family rituals to acknowledge the child’s feelings about these important people or relationships that have been lost. For example, adding an extra candle representing the child’s birth family on his or her cake may be a way of remembering their part in your child’s life on that day.

Don’t set an expectation that grief over ambiguous loss will be “cured,” “fixed” or “resolved” in any kind of predetermined timeframe.

Explain that feelings related to ambiguous loss will come and go at different times in a person’s life and provide a safe place for the child to express those feelings (www.nacac.org).|

In addition to unconditional love, the best gifts that anyone can give a foster child coping with an ambiguous loss are patience, honesty and acknowledgement.

References Boss, P. (1999), Ambiguous Loss. Learning to live with unresolved grief. Cambridge, MA. Harvard University Press. National American Council on Adoptable Children. (2011). Retrieved October 2, 2010, from www.nacac.org/links.html

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How can I raise a gracious loser?

While it’s perfectly natural for your child to be disappointed when she loses something she’s worked hard for, like the championship soccer game, it is important for her to learn to accept loss without feelings of bitterness or low self-esteem. A child who doesn’t learn to lose graciously has a hard time making friends and is often frustrated by failures. Here are some ways to encourage a sourpuss to sweeten up.

  • Play on your child’s sense of empathy. At this age, she’s starting to develop the ability to put herself in another person’s place. She can now begin to understand that getting angry when she doesn’t win hurts the feelings of the people she’s playing with. Ask her to think about how it would feel if someone got angry at her when she did something she was proud of. Tell her that it’s okay to be sad about losing, but she should try not to hurt others because of it.
  • Play cooperative games. Noncompetitive games eliminate winning and losing altogether and help your child learn what it’s like to play on a team. Try hitting a balloon back and forth, or play a game of Chinese checkers in which the idea is to get your marbles on her side and hers on your side at roughly the same time. As children get older, they will have to start playing with teammates to accomplish a common goal, and cooperative games give them a great foundation for this.
  • Emphasize effort, skill, and fun. It’s trite but true: “It’s not whether you win or lose but how you play the game.” Your job is to get your child to take this adage to heart. After she plays a game with a friend, ask, “Did you have a good time?” instead of “Who won?” Offer praise for anything done well, no matter how small it may seem. The more you can get your child thinking about developing the skills needed to be a good player — regardless of the outcome — the less important winning becomes.
  • Teach your child how to win and lose well. Show her what it means to be a good winner and a good loser. Tell her that good winners don’t brag about victories or make fun of another player’s skills. And help her become a good loser by giving her opportunities to lose as she plays against you. It seems harsh, but she’ll never learn the skill if she doesn’t practice it. Most important, don’t let her see you being a poor sport. Take your losses well, and always congratulate the winner.

If your child regularly “loses it” when she loses, you might need to take a break from game playing altogether. Turn the focus to other areas of her life that she can feel good about. And teach her that mistakes are okay by not reacting harshly when she makes one. For example, instead of getting angry about a bad grade in school, talk about what she can do to do better. In time, you should see some improvement.

via babycenter.com

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Caring for Our Greatest Generations: Children and Elderly

via brainblogger.com

Philosophers, religious leaders, and anthropologists have long asserted that the true measure of the goodness of a culture is how it treats those hardest to care for — namely children and the elderly. According to a new report by the National Research Council, our society is missing the mark.

The report specifically examined the ability of U.S. healthcare workers to meet the mental health needs of an aging population. In 2010, 40.3 million Americans were 65 years or older. By 2030, that number will grow to 72.1 million. Currently, an estimated 1 in 5 of these older adults have at least one mental health or substance abuse condition. Depressive disorders and dementia-related symptoms are the most common problems. Additionally, age alters the body’s ability to metabolize medications and cognitive impairments lead to an inability for self-care. These age-related issues lead to multiple healthcare challenges, including high costs, decreased quality of life, and increased morbidity and mortality. To add insult to injury, the report claims that there is a shortage of healthcare workers who are able to care for these elderly patients.

Primary care providers are currently ill-equipped to care for the mental healthcare needs of an aging population. And, as the aging population grows and becomes more diverse, providers will fall further behind in their ability to care for the elderly. Most providers receive little training in geriatric care and virtually no training on mental health in this specific population. The authors of the IOM report cite a lack of financial incentives and mentorship opportunities within this specialty. They released the report as a wake-up call to the nation that will, hopefully, prompt an expansion and preparation of a geriatric healthcare workforce. The authors suggest augmenting Medicare and Medicaid reimbursement for mental health and substance abuse counseling services and intensifying government grants and programs that encourage professional training in geriatrics.

However, all of these recommendations require money and time — two other things facing significant shortages in the American healthcare system. Inadequate training and personnel shortages are not easily overcome. Coordinated efforts by health professional and social services schools, agencies that promote training in geriatric care, and public and private care providers must espouse a new attitude toward caring for an aging population. Educational experiences that encourage a quality-of-life, rather than just a medical, approach to geriatric care has proved successful in some healthcare curriculums. Clinical knowledge and didactic education are obviously important for improving the care of elderly patients, but the attitude and affective knowledge gained through non-clinical interactions with older adults may be the best approach to expand and improve the care of our aging population. Affection and care for the elderly are truly gold mines of a culture. If we are not able to care for those who have spent their lifetimes caring for us, what kind of care can we expect in our own golden years?

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Parenting: Don’t Praise Your Children!

Let’s start with the purpose of praise: to encourage children to continue to engage in positive behaviors that produce positive outcomes. Now you can start to see the problems with “good job!” First, it lacks specificity. It doesn’t tell children what precisely they did well and without that information they can’t know exactly what they should do in the future to get the same outcome. Second, “good job!” focuses on the outcome rather than the process. If you’re going to be lazy with your praise, at least say, “Good effort!” because it focuses them on what they did to do a good job.

Unfortunately, many parents have been misguided by the “self-esteem movement,” which has told them that the way to build their children’s self-esteem is to tell them how good they are at things. Unfortunately, trying to convince your children of their competence will likely fail because life has a way of telling them unequivocally how capable or incapable they really are through success and failure.

The reality is that children don’t need to be told “good job!” when they have done something well; it’s self-evident. They do need to be told why they did well so they can replicate that behavior in the future to get the same positive outcome.

Research has shown that how you praise your children has a powerful influence on their development. The Columbia University researchers Claudia Mueller and Carol Dweck found that children who were praised for their intelligence, as compared to their effort, became overly focused on results. Following a failure, these same children persisted less, showed less enjoyment, attributed their failure to a lack of ability (which they believed they could not change), and performed poorly in future achievement efforts. Says Dweck: “Praising children for intelligence makes them fear difficulty because they begin to equate failure with stupidity.”

Too much praise of any sort can also be unhealthy. Research has found that students who were lavished with praise were more cautious in their responses to questions, had less confidence in their answers, was less persistent in difficult assignments, and less willing to share their ideas.

Children develop a sense of competence by seeing the consequences of their actions, not by being told about the consequences of their actions. The researchers Mueller and Dweck found that children who were praised for their effort showed more interest in learning, demonstrated greater persistence and more enjoyment, attributed their failure to lack of effort (which they believed they could change), and performed well in subsequent achievement activities. Rewarding effort also encouraged them to work harder and to seek new challenges. Adds the Clark University researcher Wendy Grolnick: “Parental encouragement of learning strategies helps children build a sense of personal responsibility for control over-their academic careers.”

Based on these findings, you should avoid praising your children about areas over which they have no control. This includes any innate and unalterable ability such as intelligence, physical attractiveness, or athletic or artistic gifts. You should direct your praise to areas over which your children have control-effort, attitude, responsibility, commitment, discipline, focus, decision making, compassion, generosity, respect, love, the list goes on. You should look at why exactly your children did something well and specifically praise those areas. For example, “You worked so hard preparing for this test,” “You were so focused during the entire chess match,” and “You were so generous for sharing with your sister.”

Particularly with young children, you don’t need to praise them at all. The best thing you can do is simply highlight what they did. For example, if your toddler just climbed a playground ladder for the first time, just say, “You climbed that ladder by yourself.” Their smile of pride will tell you that they got the message you wanted them to get, namely, “I did it!” Nothing more needs to be said.

As another alternative to praise, just ask your children questions. You can find out what your children thought and felt about their achievement, for example, “What did you enjoy most about your performance?” and “How do you feel about what you just did?” Allow your children to decide for themselves how they feel about their accomplishments, enable them to reward themselves for their own good actions, and encourage them to internalize what they observed about their own achievement efforts.

Or really go out on a limb and don’t say anything at all to your children. As I just mentioned, kids know when they do well. By letting them come to this realization on their own, they learn to reinforce themselves and they don’t become praise junkies dependent on you for how they feel about their efforts and accomplishments.

Here is my challenge to you. First, next time you’re at the playground or a youth sports competition, take note of what parents say to their children. I’ll bet you hear “Good job!” (or some variation) constantly. Next, monitor what you say to your children in the same situations. Then, erase “Good job!” from your vocabulary. We’ve already established how useless it is. Finally, start to praise your children in the healthy ways I just described. When you have broken yourself of the “Good job!” habit, you can then pat yourself on the back and tell yourself, “Good job!”

psychologytoday.com

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Hottest Parenting Tools of 2012

Here’s a list of the hottest parenting tools posted on this blog during 2012. Read and enjoy…see you next year, in 2013, for more tips for parents:

25 Ways To Talk So Children Will Listen

Dream Parenting: Doing More of What Works

Cannibas and the Adolescent Brain

Parenting A Child With Anxiety

Co-Parenting After a Seperation or Divorce

Father’s Day Quotes: Best Sayings About Dads

The Terrible Two’s: Myth or Reality?

Chidren and Grief

Real World Stress Tips for Parents

Moral Development of Children

And the all-time, reader favorite of 2012 is…

10 Habits for a Well-Run Home

 

 

 

 

 

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Parenting Guru: Help your kids feel safe at school

Comforting kids
after a tragedy

Our hearts break every time we think about the families in Newtown, Connecticut, and how they’re struggling to cope with the horror of last Friday’s shooting at Sandy Hook School. In the midst of our sadness, we’re faced with needing to respond to our own kids’ queries about the attack, often clueless as to how much, or how little to say. My three elementary-aged kids want some details, for example: How many guns did the shooter have? How did he get in if the doors were locked? Did the kids see blood? Deep breath. Thankfully, Nancy Berns, associate professor of sociology at Drake University, an expert in grief, death and violence and author of Closure: The Rush to End Grief and What It Costs Us, stepped in to give us all guidance.


SheKnows: How can parents help their kids cope with the elementary school shooting in Newtown, Connecticut?

Nancy Berns

: Try to answer questions appropriate for their age and reassure them as often as they need it. Be willing to take the time to listen and ask questions over days, weeks and months.

  • Hug your children. Hold them if they are seeking the closeness. Don’t rush them as they are processing their own feelings.
  • Limit their exposure to media if possible, including news reports and images. Be careful about how much they overhear you talking to others or listening to news. Children pick up more than you realize.
  • Keep your kids’ routines as normal as possible. This will help give them a sense of security.
  • If your family has a religious faith, you can pray with your children. Encourage them to pray for others — focusing on helping someone can give them hope.
  • Spend time playing, reading and doing other activities together.

Take it slow

SK: What are some specific things parents can say to help kids feel safe at school? And what shouldn’t you say or do?

NB: Even if children are not asking about the shooting, they may be hearing other people talk about it. So you want to check in with them at different times to see if they have questions or concerns. By asking, you give them permission to talk about it. They may not know if it’s OK to discuss it since they’ll likely pick up fear and anxiety as they hear other people talk. If you don’t talk about it with them, they may get even more scared. You can start with a general statement like, “Something sad happened last week. Have you heard anyone talking about it?” And then go slowly from there.

Some children don’t say a lot when they’re upset. You can ask some direct questions. “Are you sad? Are you angry?” Even if they don’t answer, you can reassure them that it is all right to be sad or angry or confused. Let them know it’s all right to ask questions. You can tell them you’re sad, too, so that they don’t feel alone. But don’t lean on your kids for your own emotional support.

Be their safe place

SK: When your kids want to know details about the shootings should parents give honest answers?

NB: Each child may respond differently to this kind of news. You want to be honest with children and also age-appropriate. If children are old enough to be getting news from the internet and social media, you want to provide information so you can help them think through the details.

“You can reassure them that it is all right to be sad.”

For younger children, answer their questions but keep the details limited and vague. If they continue to ask questions, try to answer because there is a need there for something. Depending on the age of the child, you have to discern how much detail is too much. If they are asking questions that you are uncomfortable answering, gently ask them why they are wondering. You can also ask what they’ve already heard to find out what images might be in their head. Keep the lines of communication open and let them see you as a safe place to express concerns.

Too young to understand?

SK: Should parents expect their kids to grieve and talk a lot about death?

NB: While researching my book, Closure: The Rush to End Grief and What It Costs Us, I found that some similarities that children have in grieving, differ from many adults. Kids can switch their attention and emotions quickly. Children may hear about a loss, cry and be upset one moment, and then they go play and laugh. It’s important not to assume that this quick change means that the shooting isn’t bothering them. They may come back to it later in ways we don’t always pick up on.

Adults may assume kids are fine after a death, thinking that “They’re too young to understand” and then the adults may be reluctant to bring up the tragedy. But when no one else is talking with a child about it, he or she may feel alone with the confusing feelings or start to think he shouldn’t talk about it.

Children are likely to be sad, scared and confused and wonder if the same thing can happen to them or their friends and family. Reassure them that you are watching out for them and that their school is safe. Hug them and tell them you love them.

How have you helped your child understand and feel safe during tragedies? Share your thoughts with us at http://www.facebook.com/parentingtoolbox

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Success in tiny steps

The key to building the family of your dreams is to measure your success in tiny steps. Stop looking for the big changes and focus on the small. Eventually you will get to the big ones but only one tiny step at a time.

Parents have a shortage of time. The quickest way end a parents dream strategy is feeling “overwhelmed.” Map out your day with your family in terms if hours and minutes. Build in time cushions so that you can get everything done. Eliminate anything that is not absolutely essential to the type of relationships you want and deserve to have.

Share your tiny successes with us at http://www.facebook.com/ParentingToolbox