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Vacation Tips for Nontraditional Families (and traditional one’s too!)

Vacation Tips for Nontraditional Families (and traditional one’s too!)

by Ron Huxley, LMFT

After six years of marriage in my new “blended” family, I have vowed to never go on vacation again. At least not with the children. Vacations are supposed to be a time of fun and relaxation. Yeah right! Try taking a vacation when you are a nontraditional family. It is more likely to be a time of stress and frustration. And you have to pay good money for it too! Here are some battle-tested tips for the brave or stubborn among you who still want to go on vacation in a nontraditional family.

Tip #1: Pack your grief, it will follow you anyway.

Nontraditional families of yesterday are the traditional families of today. They include, but are not limited to, single, divorced, step/blended, adoption, and foster parent families. They have some unique characteristics not normally found in traditional, two-parent homes. One of the biggest is grief. Although grief is a common experience in all families, it is particularly familiar to nontraditional families. Grieving comes from the shattering of a dream, namely being a traditional family. It involves the loss of a relationship or death of a family member.

It would be better to pack the grief along with all the toiletries and clothing. This means be aware of and accept that you are going to grieve, even on vacation. Changing an environment will temporarily keep it out of your mind but in the long run it will be right there with you. It is not necessary to dwell on it but don’t pretend you can leave it behind. For more information on nontraditional families and grief, see http://parentingtoolbox.com/grief.html.

Tip #2: Keep your expectations low and your priorities high.

Why are you going on this vacation? I know it’s not because you love pain. Are you doing it for you, the children, or what? Answering this question will allow you to keep your expectations low and your priorities high. The higher your expectations the greater your chances of disappointment and anger. My wife and I have found that when we go on vacation with the children, it is about the children. We don’t try to have a romantic encounter with each other unless it happens unexpectantly. If we wanted that, we should have gone on vacation by ourselves. And sometimes we do.

Going on vacation is always unpredictable. That’s part of why we love to do it. It is different from the daily routine of work and taking care of the house. But it also away from the familiar. So be willing to take some risks and go with the flow. Be focused on your bottom line. If you want to see new things or have fun, there are many ways to have that. And most likely, it won’t be what you imagine. When you take the wrong highway or the kids get sick, remind yourself that you are doing something new and different. If not a little bit anxious.

Tip #3: Take a time cushion, to rest.

If you think it will take seven days for a vacation, plan for eight or nine. If you think it will take four hours to drive to your vacation spot, prepare for five or six. Taking a time cushion will allow you to rest and not be upset because you are late or lost. If you are a single parent, you have the job of two parents to do when on vacation. Be kind to yourself and over prepare. That extra sweater just may come in handy if someone gets theirs wet and need a new one. Those extra snacks may keep the wild things calm when you are trying to find the right turn off on the highway in the middle of the night after being hours on the road. Time cushions allow you to handle the stressors that occur when taking a nontraditional family vacation. For more information on time cushions, see http://parentingtoolbox.com/timecush.html.

Tip #4: The family may be a democracy, but you have veto power.

Nontraditional families vacations fail for two simple reasons. The adults make all the decisions or none of the decisions. Parenting research has proven that the most effective families are democratic in organization. It allows children to take responsibility for their actions and cooperate with parents. Put it can go too far. Have family meetings before you leave, and yes, let them make suggestions about where you go and what you do when you are on vacation. Have frequent huddles, where family members spontaneously put their heads together to come up with a game. Regularly take the pulse of the family by polling family members about where to eat dinner, what movie to rent, or the schedule for fun that day. But always remember that a democracy still has a leader. And this leader has the ability to veto a decision made by the younger family members. Make sure you have a good reason for vetoing a decision but don’t bother trying to fight for your position. One of more of the children may not like your decision but leaders accept that and move forward. The disgruntled child will usually come around soon enough. For more information on the steps of a family meetings, see http://parentingtoolbox.com/steps.html.

Tip #5: To settle things down, mix it up.

In order to settle down personality conflicts and power struggles, mix up the quality time with family members. In step families, blending or bonding issues is job one. Being on vacation with yours, mine, and possibly ours, makes it even tougher. You can use this time away from home to spend time with various members of the family in various combinations. For example, biological parent can go fishing with biological children and go for hike with nonbiological children or both. You can mix things up by gender or age as well. Perhaps the boys (dad or step dad included) decide they want to go shopping and the girls (mom or step mom included) decide to go ride horses. This breaks down relational and gender stereotypes. Or maybe the older children, biological or not, go on the scary roller coaster rides with one parent, biological or not, while the younger children watch the animal show with the other parent, biological or not. Don’t forget to do things as a family together. That is part of the bonding process too. But it is not the only way to bond. Mix things up to settle the family down. See communication tips for families at http://parentingtoolbox.com/comm.html.

Tip #6: Show me the money!

The one guarantee to have a bad vacation is to spend money you don’t have or try to take an expensive vacation and create long-term problems. Most nontraditional families have suffered financially as well as emotionally. Money can be one more reminder of our losses. Be realistic about what you can afford. Talk to the children openly about the vacation budget. There are many ways to have a vacation without spending lots of money and still have a great time. In fact, it might be better as the focus is off of doing things and more on being together. Stay over night with relatives that might live in different spots of the country or world. Even those “distant relatives” may be open to visitors. Always be respectful of the relatives home. A card, plant, or small gift left behind after your stay is a nice way to say thanks and costs very little. One family stayed with a relative, helped them paint their fence the next morning, and then traveled on to the next destination. The kids remembered the fence painting as the biggest highlight of the trip. Go figure!

Be creative. Go camping instead of staying at a fancy motel. Buy groceries items to eat for breakfast and lunch and save your money for dinners out. Give the children a specific amount of money at the beginning of the trip and inform them that this is their allotted spending money and there will be no more. Let them spend it on anything they want but don’t give them more when it is gone. Of course, buy their meals. Their money should be budgeting on candy, toys, or novelty items they will want on the vacation.

Tip #7: Model social skills … sometimes!

It is a proven fact that children do what we do and not just what we say. If you throw a tantrum about a flat tire on the highway, you have just taught your child to throw a tantrum when he is frustrated. Model the kind of behavior you desire from your children. Use that bad vacation to teach how to deal with adversity and setbacks. Failures teach much more than successes, and stay with us longer too.

Sometimes you need to let the littles things in life go. You don’t have to be on duty as the politeness police all the time. Let your children get away with a few things that you wouldn’t normally allow at home. My two girls love to go to camp by themselves every summer because there are no parents around to hound them. Turn the other check and listen with your deaf hear or just close your eyes. You and the children may enjoy the time more. Of course, fire-setting and car jacking is out! For more social skills, see http://parentingtoolbox.com/social.html

Tip #8: Nontraditional families may need nontraditional vacations.

If you are a nontraditional family, it goes without saying that you don’t have to follow the traditional family vacation schedules. Try looking at your vacation from a 180-degree angle. Turn it upside down or backwards. Do anything other than what you have always done, if what you have done has been extremely unpleasant. What am I talking about? Just this, break out of old, dysfunctional patterns of doing things and find new ways to enjoy your vacation.

For example, why take the whole family at one time? Can’t you take the girls on one vacation and the boys on a different one? Can’t the younger one’s do one thing and the older children another? Does the vacation have to be one, two, or three weeks in succession? Try breaking it up into smaller, more manageable (or tolerable) chunks of time. Do you have to go with the children at all? Do you have to leave the house or can you just stay home for a week? What works for one family will not always work for another. The important point is that nontraditional families find nontraditional vacations that work. Forget trying to live up to societies’ expectations about what is O.K. It is time to rewrite the family vacation script.

Having said all this… maybe I will go on vacation this year. With the kids. 

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Do you know your child’s Love Language?

To love and be loved is the most basic of all human needs. People will go to extremes to get this need met. It forms the basis of the world’s religions. Society has capitalized on it commercially through the marketing of Hallmark cards, chocolate candy and diamond rings. Whatever its form or expression, getting the love you need and sharing it with others is a life-long process.

 One of the best books on the subject, for me, was the book “The Five Love Languages”by Dr. Gary Chapman. In a very practical manner he listed the five love languages as:

1. Words of Affirmation

2. Receiving Gifts

3. Quality Time

4. Acts of Service

5. Physical Touch

 According to the author, every one seeks to get their love needs met through these five areas. Some of us have more dominant love needs through positive words of affirmation while others feel more love through the application of touch. Regardless of the specific dialects you might speak, all of us have one or more of these basic elements in our emotional vocabulary.  

 One of the easiest ways to determine someone’s love language is to observe how they express love. We tend to speak love to others in the way we want to be spoken to. This can result in frustration for people in close relationships who persist in expressing love in ways that met their own needs but don’t take into account the language of the other person. For example, my wife might like acts of service to fulfill her needs for love while I like to receive gifts. Bringing her candy and flowers for Valentines Day might be appreciated but it will not have the same impact as cooking her dinner and drawing a bath.

Take a moment to remember the last time someone did something for you that made you feel loved. How did that action fit into the five love languages? Was it a hug? An evening out? A gift? An act of service? A kind word?

Take another moment to analyze the love needs of those closest to you? How do they fit into these five love languages? It might be more than one. Have you spoken this language in a way that meets others needs?

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The Ripples of Change in Your Family

There might be days where you wish you didn’t have to get up in the morning to face your family and the day. Those are difficult moments in life, truly dark days of parenting. Use those transitional moments from sleep to wake to be thankful for your family members. It may take some effort but practice gratitude to help you form new attitudes that lead to higher emotional altitudes.

Consider that to have the family of your dreams you need a family. Change doesn’t happen in isolation. It occurs through the rub of relationships and the repairing of ruptures in our daily interactions. You want to partner with your partner and children today. You need them and they need you even if they do not recognize this reality. A family is a system and like a pebble tossed into a pond, ripples move outward stirring the entire pond. Toss that pebble of thankfulness today and watch how the ripples from it start to create change.

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Are Non Traditional Families the Same as Traditional Ones?

One of the biggest hurdles that nontraditional parents must jump over in society is the feeling of being “less than” traditional, two-parent families. Nontraditional families suffer under the weight of guilt and grief as a result of their particular family structure. They often feel isolated and alone, as if no one else could possibly understand the struggles they are going through. The reality is that most nontraditional parents feel that they do not met with societies standard of acceptable parenting and labor under the same feelings of guilt and grief. One way to help nontraditional parents adjust to their family structure is to look at their situation as the “same but different” and “different but the same” as other family types.

Same But Different

Nontraditional families do not have a clear job description or they try to use an inadequate model of the two-parent, traditional family when operating their blended or broken family. This model only frustrates them further. A new, more relevant plan is needed for nontraditional families. The motto: “same but different” can be used when creating this new job description.

Nontraditional parents may have the same values as traditional parents but the way in which they exercise them may be different. The need to have a strong executive or marital subsystem is the same but the makeup of that subsystem may be different. It may be made up of remarried individuals, grandparents instead of actual parents, nonbiological rather than biological parents, or a single parent instead of two parents. Birth order is the same in the nontraditional family as in a traditional one but is different or more complicated where a first-born child in a remarried family changes roles due to the inclusion of new siblings after the remarriage and becomes the middle or last-born child. This can lead to a difficult adjustment and the need to continue respecting the child’s old position along with their new position. Boundaries are the same as in the traditional family but where and when these are set will be different due to the different structure of the nontraditional family. The perfect parenting standard will be the same in the nontraditional parent but differs as nontraditional parents fall farther from the parenting ideal. And power plays will be the same in the nontraditional family as in the traditional family but detriangulation or diffusion take place differently from traditional families. Focusing on nontraditional parenting as the “same but different” helps normalize parenting for nontraditional parents while acknowledging their uniqueness.

Different But the Same

Likewise, focusing on being “different but the same” is also important for the nontraditional parent, to a point. They need to accept, if they are to move through the states and stages of grief, that they are very different in structure and composition from traditional families. Therefore, their experiences and feelings will be something traditional parents may not share. To believe that nontraditional parents are carbon copies of traditional parents and to attempt to live according to principles establish on their terms, will result in further failure in balancing love and limits.

Another way for nontraditional family to balance love and limits is to focus not of differences or sameness but on solutions. Finding what works, regardless of the traditional or nontraditional family parents find themselves in, will assist parents in achieving a greater balance of love and limits.

Love and limits represent two sides of the parenting coin. To have a balanced home, nontraditional families need to have both a “relational discipline” based on affection and communication and an “action discipline” style based on firm limits and structure. How a nontraditional family organizes these two principles of parenting will be similar and yet different from traditional, two-parent homes. By keeping in mind the concepts of “same but different” and “different but the same” nontraditional parents can better manage this balance of love and limits in their own unique fashion.

What are your thoughts on non traditional vs. traditional families? Share here or at http://www.facebook.com/parentingtoolbox 

Try our Micro-Education for more parenting answers!

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Glancing at your problems

Sometimes the problems we experience in our family relationships can feel so large that we simple stare transfixed at them. It can overwhelm us and cause us to give up hope. We may resign ourselves to the idea that we cannot over come them and this is the way our family will always be…

The unfortunately result of this immobilization is that we often believe the lie that other people (or ourselves) are the problem. I am fond of quoting a line from Narrative Therapy that goes: “The person is not the problem. The problem is the problem." 

It is only when we partner together, against the problem, externalizing it from our person that we are able to overcome that problem. Blaming one another as bad, damaged, or toxic only intensifies shame and keeps us stuck. I am not saying that people don’t make bad choices. We all say things and do things we wish we hadn’t done that can have destructive consequences on our families. The point here is that if we are to have the dream family we deserve to have, we have to work together against the problem. 

Instead of staring at the problem, try "gazing” at your loved one and only “glancing” at the problem. It is still there but it is not where your attention needs to be glued to. Reconnect with your family, work together against the problem and start making changes, however small that will restore relationships and rebuild connections. 

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Ten Ways the Parenting Toolbox Helps You Become A Better Parent

An unsolicited endorsement by Kathleen Karns of the Toddler Tamer.

“Raising a family today can be an almost overwhelming challenge with the diverse differences in the family both socially and culturally. We are a society of single parent families and mixed families that do not fit within the parameters of the traditional, two parent family. When tackling everything from step-parenting to behavioral problems with children, the unprepared parent can feel as though they are drowning.

To provide solutions for this social chaos, family therapist Ron Huxley enters the fray with his phenomenal system called the Parenting Toolbox. By utilizing the vast array of services and educational tools available with a subscription to www.parentingtoolbox.com, struggling parents can find the information and resources that will equip them to face the challenges associated with raising their children in today’s world. The Parenting Toolbox offers an array of tools that will enable you to become a better parent:

  1. Knowing that the most important role that you can have in life is being a parent and learning to express the value of parenthood everyday provides the beginning steps to face all of the challenges that children can bring into life.
  2. You will learn new and variable ways of disciplining children without always resorting to corporal punishment that will stimulate the mind and instill respect.
  3. Either open or improve the lines of communication between parents and their children.
  4. You will be able to learn what more about the ways you were brought up affect the way you raise you own children and provide the means to change these parental patterns.
  5. Not only will your own self-esteem get a boost that it needs, you will be able to teach your children about their own innate value.
  6. Parents are given healthy ways to deal with their anger and stress in ways that will be helpful and non-abusive.
  7. Creative strategies are introduced to deal with challenging behaviors in children in safe and productive ways.
  8. Games, puzzles, and other creative exercises both strengthen the parent’s ability to communicate important concepts to the child but also enable the child’s ability to think and reason in social settings.
  9. Parents no longer have to be in the dark when it comes to ways to raise their children that will promote spiritual growth. Parents can learn ways to incorporate their spiritual heritage into the lessons and sources provided by the parenting toolbox.
  10. More than this, Ron Huxley and the parenting toolbox will equip you with something even more valuable: guaranteed life long support. This is the real commitment that parentingtoolbox.com makes. It will be there through every stage of a child’s development to provide not only just the right tools to make you a better parent but also support through groups of parents and professionals who have been there before.

Whatever the situation, you will be able to count on the resources of this amazing system to give what you need when you need it.”

How has this blog helped you? Leave a comment here or on Facebook at http;//www.facebook.com/parentingtoolbox

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Can you teen handle responsibility?

Provide Only the Help Your Teen Needs

1. Whenever possible, communicate indirectly — using a note or text message. The idea is to create distance between you and your teen, so that the cue can work without both of you being in the same place at the same time.

2. Send notes, don’t nag. A voicemail, note, or text message reminding your son to empty the dishwasher before he goes to the dance may get him to do it. Nagging won’t. In the case of regular chores or routines, try reminders for a few weeks. Then stop prompting him and see if he does the chore on his own. If not, return to the reminders.

3. Ask your teen to develop his own cues. This is a way to hand off the skill to the teen, so she can remind herself in her own way.

4. Edit your words. When it comes to reminders, parents talk too much, include lessons and lectures, and use an irritated voice. This frequently leads to conflict.

5. Use an outside expert to teach your child a skill. If teens are going to be independent problem solvers, they need to use people and information, not their parents, to help them. While we all feel good when our teen asks us for help from time to time, this does not increase their independence, unless they internalize the information and stop coming to us.

Identify One Challenge and the Times It Occurs

6. Let your teen choose which challenge to work on first, and how to address it. It could be moving too slowly in the morning or driving carelessly. Anything that increases your teen’s interest in the problem increases her investment in solving it.

7. If your teen is open to help, choose a goal for which implementation is shared. By letting your teen decide in what way you can help, you decrease the burden the task places on you. The objective is to fade out your help over time, but not so quickly that your teen fails at a task.

8. Start with a problem that is small and easily tackled. This will build your teen’s confidence and will increase the likelihood that he will be willing to work on other problems. In the morning routine, you can move from waking your teen to having him wake himself.

9. Address a problem that puts your teen at immediate risk. This is when parental judgment and decision-making must override teen choice. If your teen has trouble controlling emotions or sustaining attention, which you fear may pose a risk of unsafe driving or substance abuse, closely monitor his behavior. This will strike your teen as intrusive, but a parent’s job is to keep the teen “in the game.” This does not mean that parents should lock up their teen during his adolescence, but it does mean that parents find ways to balance choice and risk management.

Meet Resistance with Creativity

10. Be open to negotiation. If you have approached a problem as a “have to” or a “do it or else,” consider offering an exchange. You’ll give up something you want if the teen will give up something she wants (or do something you want). If you want chores done in exchange for using the car, change the chores to errands you need done and offer the car if she’ll run a couple of errands for you before she goes off with friends.

11. Use your teen’s personal goals to teach executive skills. Virtually any goal requires planning, time management, sustained attention, task initiation, and goal-directed persistence. Focus on personal goals that are a high priority for your teen — saving to buy a car or going to Europe next summer. These are ideal vehicles for learning executive skills, and have the advantage of built-in motivation if they come from your teen.

12. Consider more rewards. Parents are often cheap in terms of what they will offer their teen, because they are annoyed at having to offer anything at all. If you accept that these are difficult skills for your teen to learn, understand what is needed for her to make the effort.

Excerpted from Smart but Scattered Teens: The “Executive Skills” Program for Helping Teens Reach Their Potential, by Richard Guare, Ph.D., Peg Dawson, Ed.D., and Colin Guare. Copyright © 2013. Reprinted with permission of The Guilford Press, New York.

Can you teen handle responsibility?

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Be Thankful for Your Family Today!

It is easy to focus on the negative behaviors and personality traits of your most intimate of relationships. While these people are the ones you most care about, they are also the ones who may have hurt you or disappointed you the most too. 

As you re-structure your relationship start by listing 5 things you are thankful for with each person in your life. It will help you address their strengths and it will open you up to more possibilities for hope. 

Consider “thankful” to be your new password to your new dreams for your family. 

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It is unfortunate how people make a mistake and then believe that they are a mistake. Our behaviors are not our identity. Making mistakes simply means that you are human. There is no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect child. You are a professional mistake maker. 

The challenge comes from learning from our mistakes so we can minimize them in our lives and possibly, grow stronger from that process. 

Parenting Action Thought: What mistakes have your made lately? What can you learn from this mistake? What can you do differently next time to avoid it from happening in that same way? 

If you don’t know the answer to the last question, who can you contact for extra support? 

Try our Micro-Education for more quick and convenient help to your challenging parenting issues.