We all have moments where we fall into perfectionism. For some of us, this might happen kind of often. For others, it’s reserved for those special occasions where we have a project where we can’t rest until we get it right.

While occasional super-attention-to-detail is okay, it’s when we make perfectionism a way of life that it becomes a problem. Those are the times when we finally need to take charge of our lives and learn to let go.

Try this:

Start at the Core

Why are you so wrapped up in perfectionism? Are you genuinely trying to become a better person somehow, or are you just trying to impress someone else or meet expectations from those around you? Neither of these reasons is very healthy, and both need to be addressed.

Drop the “Should”

The moment you start using this word in a conversation, especially regarding your action, you’re already driving yourself crazy. Remind yourself you don’t need validation from anyone. You’re good just by being you.

Rewrite the Script

What are you telling yourself as you throw yourself into perfectionism? Do you think this is the path to success? Or do you have other unrealistic expectations of the outcome? Here’s where you switch up your self-talk to get out of any negative spaces and unrealistic outcomes.

Drop the Comparisons

Speaking of self-talk, just who are you holding up as role models? Has this, too, become unhealthy, going from “I want to be more like them” to “Why can’t I have everything they do?” Wouldn’t it feel better to celebrate where you are and all the effort you’ve been putting into things?

Show Some Mercy

Perfection never allows for excuses. If you can’t succeed, you’re automatically a failure. By chasing imperfection, you learn the value of self-forgiveness and the ability to let go of your mistakes in favor of embracing the lessons you can learn from them.

You wouldn’t think these steps are all so essential at first glance. After all, is chasing imperfection worthwhile?

The answer is a resounding, “Yes!” Perfection pulls us away from others and gets us so tangled up inside with worry and stress about getting things right; that we negatively impact our mental and physical health. 

With this in mind, isn’t it time to let go and enjoy life once and for all?

Anxiety is a feeling of fear, dread, and uneasiness that may occur as a reaction to stress. It can be characterized by feelings of tension and increased blood pressure in the body, worried thoughts in the mind, and a lack of hopefulness about the future.

Knowing what triggers your anxiety can help you address and accommodate your life through it. Notice I said “through it” and not “around it.” Trying to avoid or go around anxiety causes it to grow in strength. It is like feeding table scraps to the dog and then wonder why they come begging all the time.

A better way of managing anxiety is using the three-step method I am illustrating here… Aware, Address, and Accommodate. I am focusing only on the first step in this article.

On a scale of 0 to 10, with 10 being the highest, how would you rate the triggers? Let the range of 0 to 2 be about “calmness,” 3 to 5 about “small amounts of anxiety,” 6 to 8 about “higher levels” of anxiety, and 9 and 10 listed as “extreme” anxiety.

Review each of the trigger situations below and rank them on this scale. It is ok to add trigger areas I didn’t cover.

___ Conflict or drama in my family, friendships, or relationships

___ Being in a large crowd of people

___ Meeting someone new or going to someplace I haven’t been before

___ Having to confront or approach someone

___ Trying to make other people happy

___ Having too much to get done

___ Making plans with other people

___ Being away from my parent/guardian or family members

___ Performing or presenting in front of others

___ Any kind of sudden change

___ Having too much time to think

___ Not knowing what will happen in the future

___ Grades or stress from schoolwork

___ Being away from home/family/loved ones

___ When I or my loved ones travel

___ Getting criticized for something I did wrong

___ Going anywhere or doing certain things by myself

___ Loud noises or raised voices

___ Being around certain people

___ Being in tight spaces or being in wide open spaces

___ Having conversations

___ Being unprepared

It is important to mention that past traumas can create triggers in present situations and relationships. These triggers may be false alarms designed by the body’s hypervigilant warning system. Recognize these alarms as friendly protectors and stop fighting them. When you are in the middle of a trigger, tell yourself that this is just anxiety and it is trying to protect me from harm from the past, and this is different. This feeling of anxiety will go away soon, and joyful feelings will return.

Anyone with a teenager knows how challenging it can be to get them to share deeply. Part of the reason is that teens want to establish their own identity that is separate from you. Communicating on a deep level is connecting, not operating. The truth is that teens need and want both. You can use open questions to create dialogue and depth in your relationship.

Try these simple questions and see what happens:

How would your friends describe you?

What would you take if you were moving and could only take 3 things with you?

What age would you like to be if you could be any age and why?

What was the best day of last week and why?

What is it that you wish I understood better about you or your friends?

If you could be famous what would you like to be known for?

If you could take 3 people on a trip, who would you take and why?

What is something you wish you could change about yourself?

What is one of your or my greatest strengths and/or weaknesses?

What is the hardest thing about school for you?

Do you have a favorite teacher, or coach? What makes them your favorite?

Which feelings are the hardest for your to express? Anger? Sadness? Jealousy?

When asking these questions, don’t give advice or judgment. If you do, you will stop the flow of communication between you and your teen. Let them ask these questions of you or volunteer to answer them first to create more safety and openness. If your teen doesn’t want to answer them, don’t push. What they don’t say can be as informative of what they do say.

It’s a simple question. Not really complicated, right? Actually, it can be a tricky question to answer for some people. Many men and women who didn’t grow up with healthy examples of managing emotions or feelings were not valued or punished for expressing them. Anger is often an emotion that is used to cover up unpleasant feelings states, like sadness or fear. Anger has more energy and control but prevents us from knowing what is really underneath.

In couples, one person can be flooded with emotions and can shut down to control them. They might appear unemotional when in fact, they have too many emotions. A good therapist or life coach can help someone learn to be more aware of and address their feelings.

Try this simple exercise to know when you are feeling different types of emotions:

I feel happy when…

I feel sad when…

I feel excited when…

I feel angry when…

I feel safe when…

I feel scared when…

I feel invisible when…

I feel confident when…

Use the answers to these sentences to share with others close to you. Knowing what you feel may help you. Sharing them will help others. Practice noticing what you are feeling throughout the day. It is said that the only people who have no feelings are sociopaths and dead people. As stark a truth as that is, it means you have feelings, and you are able to be aware of, address them, and accommodate feelings in your relationship.