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10 Things to Banish from the Dinner Table

Ron Huxley’s Recommends: Here is some good old fashioned advice on how to improve table manners and build better family attachments. Ivillage.com lists ten things to banish from your table:

1. Cell Phones.

2. Salt.

3. Contentious conversation.

4. Unhealthy fats.

5. Corn syrups.

6. Germs.

7. Toys and games.

8. Messy dress.

9. Dangerous dishes.

10. The television!

What do you do to build family unity around the table? Share your thoughts here or post them to us on Twitter and Facebook.

7 Things Every Parent Should Discuss with Their Children and 3 Things They Absolutely Should Not : Parentables

Image via John Cave Osborne

To be an effective parent, you must also be an effective communicator. Yet being an effective communicator doesn’t necessarily make you an effective parent. After all, there’s the little issue of what, exactly, it is that you should be communicating to your children. And, perhaps even more importantly, what it is that you shouldn’t be communicating to them. 

Here are seven things that definitely need to be covered:

1. God

God Image: DamienHR’s photostream via Creative Commons

Parents owe it to their children to have a discussion about God, whether they’re believers or not. It’s a subject that is too hotly contested around the world to ignore as evidenced by the ominous ten-year anniversary that’s fast approaching. So whether you’re a bible-thumping Baptist or a card-carrying atheist, discussing why you believe, or why you don’t is an absolute must. And when you do, you’ll have the perfect opportunity to teach your child that regardless of what your beliefs are, tolerance of others’ beliefs is essential.

2. Sex

sexImage: je@an’s photostream via Creative Commons

A lot of people have a hard time talking about sex with their spouse, much less with their children, but it’s imperative to tackle this issue early and often. How early is impossible to say, but if your kids are old enough to ask, then they’re old enough for the talk. About the birds and the bees, that is. Follow up conversations are crucial if you want your child to have a healthy understanding of and respect for sex. If you do, odds are they’ll better understand when sex is and when it is not appropriate. Not to mention practice it safely when the time is right.

 

3. Drugs and Alcohol

drugs and alcohol Image: Marion Doss’s photostream via Creative Commons

You don’t exactly have to keep your eyes peeled for tragic stories involving fatalities due to underage drinking and drug use. It hurts to even read such stories, but one day it might hurt even worse if you don’t turn them into learning experiences by discussing them with your children.

When it comes to drugs, parents like you as well as kids and teenagers can find advice here at teenzeen.org.

4. Death

deathImage: Emmett Tullos III’s photostream via Creative Commons

For many children, death first rears its inevitable head in the form of a pet. For others, it comes at the loss of a beloved family member. No matter what your child’s first exposure is, a brush with death will always trigger a number of question which need to be handled delicately. But just because the questions stop doesn’t mean that the wondering has. You’re not being morbid if you re-visit the topic from time to time to make sure there aren’t lingering concerns. You’re being a good parent. 

5. Money

moneyImage: jollyUK’s photostream via Creative Commons

At some point, children naturally begin to wonder about money — about where, exactly, their family stands in the pecking order of wealth. And when they do, it’s best to remind them that wherever they stand, it’s just that: a pecking order. Which, of course, means that inordinate concern for all things material is for the birds. A discussion about money opens the door to a discussion about values and if you tackle the issue aggressively, your children stand a better chance of never mistaking their self worth with their net worth. 

6. Bullying

bullyingImage: trix0r’s photostream via Creative Commons

No one likes a bully. And unless your kids turns into one, it’s likely that he or she will be bullied at some point in time. But bullying usually starts gradually. So keep your eyes and ears open. And at the first signs of bullying, act aggressively by encouraging your child to stand up to the bully with a respectful yet forthright approach. With enough coaching your child will handle such encounters with confidence. And the funny thing about bullies? They usually crumble in the face of such confidence. 

7. The Internet

the InternetImage: The Daring Librarian’s photostream via Creative Commons

On the one hand, our kids know all about the Internet. After all, it is to them what the TV was to us. Yet on the other, no one really understands the Internet thanks to it’s virtually limitless reach and astonishing immediacy. If you don’t believe me, ask Karen Owen, the Duke student who sent an email to a few close friends only to have the topic of that email go viral just days later. That topic? A tongue-in-cheek powerpoint presentation of her various “sexcapades” which caused great embarrassment and harm to all involved, especially the creator. It’s impossible to understand the power of the Internet. But if you convince your kids of that very fact, they stand a greater chance of not learning that lesson the hard way. You talk to them all the time about their real lives, so be sure to discuss their virtual ones as well. 

Okay, now that we’ve got some of the must-discuss topics out of the way, time to point out that there are also some things you should not discuss with your kids. Here are three that immediately come to mind. 

1. Marital Problems

marital problemsImage: Ed Yourdon’s photostream via Creative Commons

Everyone knows that a divorce can be devastating for a child. As a stepdad, I’ve seen it firsthand. It’s for that very reason that parents should never discuss marital problems with their children. In most cases, all you’ll do is confuse your child. And have them constantly worrying that a divorce may be imminent. It’ll be bad enough if and when it actually happens, so until then, keep it under wraps.

2. Negative Feelings About Family

mother-in-lawImage: basykes’ photostream via Creative Commons

Do your in-laws drive you nuts? What about that loud and obnoxious nephew? Or the selfish biological parent of your step child? Well, sorry to hear it, but do your child a favor and keep all that to yourself. Unless someone poses a specific threat to your child, why in the world would you stop him or her from loving anyone? Besides, if you plug in hard enough, you just might find that the person you’re not so fond of is A-OK after all. 

3. Your Problems

your problemsImage: aturkus’ photostream via Creative Commons

Remember back in the day when you thought your mom and dad had all the answers? Well guess what? Your kids believe the exact same thing about you. I know, laughable, but perception is reality. So the last thing you want to do is  shatter that “reality” by discussing your own self doubts with your children. That doesn’t mean that you can’t discuss difficult situations which you managed to conquer. After all, every child can learn from stories like that. But it does mean that you shouldn’t bombard your children with the issues that keep you up at night. All that will do is make them feel the same insecure. A better approach is to put a confident foot forward even when you’re feeling anything but. After all, things have a funny way of working out when you approach them with confidence and faith. And wouldn’t you rather teach your kids that than treat them like your therapist? 

Speaking of therapists, does reading this list make you think that I’m in desperate need of one? Anything on here you vehemently disagree with? Please let us know the things you think parents should discuss, as well as the things you don’t think parents should discuss with their children. 

MORE ON PARENTING:

6 Axioms of Step Parenting 
The Golden Rule of Parenting? Judge Not. 
Parenting Through Crisis: Keeping Perspective During Extreme Stress 

Ron Huxley’s Remarks: This is a great article on important subjects to talk to your children about and maybe even more importantly, what not to talk about…

Honoring Step Family Day: September 16

Honoring Step Family Day

by Bonnie Cushing

Friday, September 16 is Step Family Day! Although not a true national holiday, Step Family Day was founded by Christy Borgeld of Grand Rapids, Mich., to recognize and show appreciation for the importance and value of step-parents and their extended relations. It was first celebrated in 1997.

According to Stepfamily Foundation statistics, approximately half of all Americans are currently involved in some form of step relationship. Despite their substantial presence in our society, however, the negative myths of the wicked stepmother and the happily-ever-after Brady Bunch (as well as those commentators, politicians and religious leaders who continue to label any family that deviates from the “nuclear” model as abnormal) persist in plaguing real life stepfamilies struggling to integrate family members in an authentically loving way. Celebrating Step Family Day is one way to challenge society’s stigmas, while simultaneously promoting the health and well-being of families and strengthening the connections between them.

In her book Living Jewish Life Cycle: How to Create Meaningful Jewish Rites of Passage at Every Stage of Life, Rabbi Goldie Milgram outlines for everyone (regardless of their religious or nonreligious affiliation) what ceremonies and rituals can accomplish:

Providing support for desired or necessary change

Identifying the losses inherent in transitions

Acting as ‘speed bumps’ that invite reflection and integration

Affirming identity and location within the community

Promoting healing, balance and nurturance

Helping to connect with the mystery of existence 

These are all tasks that stepfamilies face at some point in their lifecycle—and ceremonies offer an unparalleled opportunity to move a family along the continuum toward robust health.

What constitutes an effective celebration for stepfamilies to engage in together, whether it be on September 16th or any other day of their choosing?                                                                             

(1)  Open planning sessions involving as many family members as possible is optimal. This, in and of itself, will help build closer relationships and understanding among family members and provide a space and time for everyone to feel that their voice is welcome and needed in the family. For parents and step-parents, it is important to present your ideas as possibilities and not a statement of what you want or expect the children to do, as that can undermine the sense of cohesion and inclusion you are trying to create. I also recommend a feedback session after a celebration occurs to help refine traditions and continue empowering family members to actively participate. 

(2) Taking into account the developmental stages that the children (and adults!) are in at any given time is critical as well (i.e. with teenagers, resistance and the need to be with peers are both predictable and appropriate).  

(3) Building common ground by drawing upon both the old traditions of the families before re-configuration and new ones created by the family in its present incarnation can communicate that what came before is as important as what exists now. This affirms and softens the inevitable losses sustained by different family members and, at the same time, honors what is unique about your new stepfamily constellation.                                                                                                                         

(4) Being patient and staying with the process is essential. Ron Deal, in his volume The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family, uses the metaphor of cooking to emphasize the importance of taking the time necessary for successful integration. All the quicker cooking methods leave a lot to be desired. What Ron suggests is the Crock-Pot method—using time and a slow and evenly applied heat to allow each family member to cook at their own speed. Take heed—people are not fast food!

So, what forms can a Stepfamily ritual or celebration take?                                                                                   

Although I urge you to let yourselves collectively dream up your own kinds of ceremonial gatherings, here are a few examples of ways you can mark Step Family Day for your family:                                                                                                                      

(A)  Organize a picnic at a local park. This can include favorite foods, games, and music of each family member. Including one or more other step families provides the extra benefit of combating the sense of being different than “real” families and counters the resulting sense of isolation.

(B) Have a “Movie Night” at home with special take-out food or a meal prepared together.                

© Share an adventure such as parasailing, treasure-hunting, canoeing, or camping out together  

(D) Create a communal piece of art—a collage, clay sculpture, finger painting, etc.—or stage a family talent show, with or without an audience!                                                                                             

(E) Create a Family Ceremony, such as one where each family member writes something meaningful about every other member of the family and places it in a box for each person. The notes can then be read aloud, along with a simple candle-lighting.

The point is to use your collective imagination, and remember—the sky’s the limit. This is your family, and you all deserve loving recognition!!

Bonnie Berman Cushing is a family systems therapist with 20 years experience, as well as a celebrant who has collaborated and performed weddings, civil unions, memorials, baby welcomings, public art dedications and other assorted ceremonies. She is proud to have been among the first eight North American celebrants to be certified by the Celebrant Institute and Foundation. In addition to being a licensed clinical social worker specializing in family systems therapy, she is a devoted organizer and educator for racial justice. Bonnie is married to David and is mother to two amazing people, Molly and Jerry. bonniecushing@aol.com

Ron Huxley’s Remarks: As a step parent I used to joke that I suddenly realized why they called us “blended” families. It was because it felt like we were in a blender on high speed. Blended families (not my favorite term for it) or step parent families (also not a favorite term) deserve to be honored and celebrated.

Although not an “official” holiday, it is still a time to say thank you to a step mom or dad for all the hard work they put into loving their own and others children.

Creating an Adoption Lifebook: Instructions and Suggestions to Get You Started

Creating a lifebook is a wonderful way to positively affect the life of a foster or adopted child. Getting started may be the hardest part, here’s how.

Getting started on your child’s lifebook is the hardest part. Once you begin, you may find it hard to stop because it’s so much fun!

Supplies Needed

There are many websites online where you can purchase ready-made lifebooks with fill-in-the-blank pages, similar to a baby book. The problem with using these type of books for a lifebook is that they are one-size-fits-all. Since every adoption and foster care situation is unique, many parents find that they can make very nice lifebooks with a few inexpensive supplies.

First you will need a 3-ring binder, approximately two or three inches thick to allow room to grow over the years. A binder with a clear pocket on the front will allow you to make a cover for the lifebook that is personalized. If you have an older child that you are creating a lifebook with, let him design the cover, making it even more special to him.

Second, you will need a few more supplies:
  • Blank paper—typing paper will work; however, many find that cardstock works better and gives you a nice sturdy page.
  • Clear pages protectors- to keep the pages spot free and for easy loading into the binder.

Next, here is where the fun begins! A lifebook is as individual as the person creating it. You can scrapbook, design and print pages from the computer, or use various mediums to create pages such as: markers, stickers, paint, colored pencils and so forth. Use your imagination and do what you enjoy doing.

 

The other point to keep in mind is that there are no set rules for lifebooks. They can be as simple or as extravagant as you want to make them. The important thing is to put lots of love into it.

Pages to Include

Lifebooks begin at the beginning of the child’s life- birth. Start by creating pages to tell about his birth parents, such as: names, birth dates, and places of residence. Also, children love to read about the day they were born. Along with the traditional information, include fun details such as the weather on the day they were born, the name of the president and other political figures, titles of popular songs, names of celebrities, and so forth.

More Page Ideas

Once you get started you will find that page ideas come more easily. A few additional page ideas are:

  • Adoption Day
  • Pets
  • The story about why you decided to adopt
  • Where his name comes from and what it means
  • A list of other names you considered
  • Travel information and photos (if you traveled to get him)
  • A local newspaper from the day he was born/ adopted
  • Baby showers, adoption party, or ceremony photos and details
  • Political and Current Affairs
  • Pages for each year of his life

How to Word Delicate Subjects

Handling difficult subjects, such as why the child was placed for adoption or how he came into foster care can be tricky, but should not cause you to shy away from adding this type of information to his lifebook.

The key to answering these types of questions on the pages of the lifebook is to keep it simple and keep it on the child’s level. For instance, if the child was the product of a rape, don’t state it as such. This sort of detail is best left for a one-on-one conversation when he is much older and can understand it, and adequately cope with it. Simply say that his birth mother and birth father were unable to take care of him and wanted him to have a family who could take care of him and love him.

Similarly, a child who has suffered abuse and maltreatment does not need all the gory details. A matter-of-fact explanation that his birth parents were unable to take care of him will suffice until he is old enough to handle the information.

Keep It Going

Some choose to end the lifebook with the child’s arrival into the adoptive family; however, life doesn’t stop with the adoption. Consider adding to your child’s lifebook year after year and create a treasure that will be cherished forever.

Ron Huxley’s Review: I am getting ready to teach a class on Adoption Clinical Skills and doing a little online research. Came across this excellent article on creating life books. If you and your adoptive children have NOT done this yet, I would encourage you to do so. It is healing for all members of the adoption constellation.

What 9/11 has taught us about trauma

Scientific American has a useful piece on how the immediate treatment of psychological trauma has changed since 9/11. The issue is interesting because recent progress has turned lots of psychological concepts on their head to the point where many still can’t grasp the concepts.

The article notes that at the time of the Twin Towers disaster, the standard form of treatment was Critical Incident Stress Debriefing – also known as CISD or just ‘debriefing’ – a technique where psychologists would ask survivors, usually in groups, to describe what happened and ‘process’ all the associated emotions by talking about them.

This technique is now not recommended because we know it is at best useless and probably harmful – owing to the fact that it seems to increase trauma in the long-term.

Instead, we use an approach called psychological first aid, which, instead of encouraging people to talk about all their emotions, really just focuses on making sure people feel secure and connected.

Although the article implies that 9/11 was a major turning point for our knowledge of immediate post-trauma treatment, the story is actually far more complex.

Studies had been accumulating throughout the 90s showing that ‘debriefing’ caused harm in some, although it wasn’t until around the turn of the century that two meta-analyses sealed the deal.

Unfortunately, the practice of ‘debriefing’ by aid agencies and emergency psychologists was very hard to change for a number of interesting reasons.

A lot of aid agencies don’t deal directly with the scientific literature. Sometimes, they just don’t have the expertise but often it’s because they simply have no access to it – as most of it is locked behind paywalls.

However, probably most important was that even the possibility of ‘debriefing’ having the potential to do damage was very counter-intuitive.

The treatment was based on the then-accepted foundations of psychological theory that said that emotions always need to be expressed and can do damage if not ‘processed’.

On top of this, for the first time, many clinicians had to deal with the concept that a treatment could do damage even though the patients said it was helpful and were actually and genuinely getting better.

This is so difficult to grasp that many still continue with the old and potentially damaging practices, so here’s a quick run down of why this makes sense.

The theoretical part is a hang-over from Freudian psychology. Freud believed that neuronal energy was directly related to ‘mental energy’ and so psychology could be understood in thermodynamic terms.

Particularly important in this approach is the first law of thermodynamics that says that energy cannot be created or destroyed just turned into another form. Hence Freud’s idea that emotions need to be ‘expressed’ or ‘processed’ to transform them from a pathological form to something less harmful.

We now know this isn’t a particularly reliable guide to human psychology but it still remains hugely popular so it seemed natural that after trauma, people would need to ‘release’ their ‘pent up emotions’ by talking about them lest the ‘internal pressure’ led to damage further down the line.

And from the therapists’ point of view, the patients said the intervention was helpful and were genuinely getting better, so how could it be doing harm?

In reality, the psychologists would meet with heavily traumatised people, ‘debrief’ them, and in the following weeks and months, the survivors would improve.

But this will happen if you do absolutely nothing. Directly after a disaster or similarly horrible event people will perhaps be the most traumatised they will ever be in their life, and so will naturally move towards a less intense state.

Statistically this is known as regression to the mean and it will occur even if natural recovery is slowed by a damaging treatment that extends the risk period, which is exactly what happens with ‘debriefing’.

So while the treatment was actually impeding natural recovery you would only be able to see the effect if you compare two groups. From the perspective of the psychologists who only saw the post-trauma survivors it can look as if the treatment is ‘working’ when improvement, in reality, was being interfered with.

This effect was compounded by the fact that debriefing was single session. The psychologists didn’t even get to see the evolution of the patients afterwards to help compare with other cases from their own experience.

On top of all this, after the ‘debriefing’ sessions, patients actually reported the sessions were useful even when long-term damage was confirmed, because, to put it bluntly, patients are no better than seeing the future than professionals.

In one study, 80% of patients said the intervention was “useful” despite having more symptoms of mental illness in the long-term compared to disaster victims who had no treatment. In another, more than half said ‘debriefing’ was “definitely useful” despite having twice the rate of postraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after a year.

Debriefing involves lots of psychological ‘techniques’, so the psychologists felt they were using their best tools, while the lack of outside perspective meant it was easy to mistake instant feedback and regression to the mean for actual benefit.

It’s worth saying that the same techniques that do damage directly after trauma are the single best psychological treatment when a powerful experience leads to chronic mental health problems. Revisiting and ‘working through’ the traumatic memories is an essential part of the treatment when PTSD has developed.

So it seemed to make sense to apply similar ideas to those in the acute stage of trauma, but probably because the chance of developing PTSD is related to the duration of arousal at the time of the event, ‘going over’ the events shortly after they’ve passed probably extends the emotional impact and the long-term risks.

But while the comparative studies should have put an end to the practice, it wasn’t until the World Health Organisation specifically recommended that ‘debriefing’ not be used in response to the 2004 tsunami [pdf] that many agencies actually changed how they went about managing disaster victims.

As well as turning disaster psychology on its head, this experience has dispelled the stereotype that ‘everyone needs to talk’ after difficult events and, in response, the new approach of psychological first aid was created.

Psychological first aid is actually remarkable for the fact that it contains so little psychology, as you can see from the just released psychological first aid manual from the World Health Organisation.

You don’t need to be a mental health professional to use the techniques and they largely consist of looking after the practical needs of the person plus working toward making them feel safe and comfortable.

No processing of emotions, no ‘disaster narratives’, no fancy psychology – really just being practical, gentle and kind.

We don’t actually know if psychological first aid makes people less likely to experience trauma, as it hasn’t been directly tested, although it is based on the best available evidence to avoid harm and stabilise extreme stress.

So while 9/11 certainly focussed people’s minds on psychological trauma and its treatment (especially in the USA which is a world leader in the field) it was really just another bitter waymarker in a series of world tragedies that has shaped disaster response psychology.

So unusually for a psychologist, I’ll be hoping we’ll have the chance to do less research in this particular area and have a more peaceful coming decade.
 

Link to SciAm piece on psychology and the aftermath of 9/11.

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This isn’t a typical piece for a parenting blog but seeing as how I work with so many traumatized children and since today is 9/11 it seemed appropriate to share a couple thoughts.

One of the first things I teach my clinical interns is that you have to “stabilize” before you can do “interventions.” As therapists and parents we want to help a child talk about their traumas and get it all out. As the article explains above, this is an out dated and incorrect hypothesis about how to manage trauma. What children need FIRST is to know that they are safe and connected to others. This is the first law of attachment if you will and the very thing that so many traumatized children lack. Think about it: trauma destabilizes your sense of safety, so what would be the best intervention? Recreating safety.

It is a common problem for new therapists to want to talk it out. I get social workers and parents pressing me to do this all the time. The fact is that it is the worst thing for the child at first. Before working out issues, let’s create safety and stability at home and school. Build more support system. Give more hugs. Stay longer in the room at night and read that extra book or two. Be more tolerant of the meltdowns and resistance to changes in routine. Follow a routine if you don’t have one. Give back rubs and an extra scoop of ice cream.

What do you do to create safety and stability after a child experiences something traumatic?

Grand Connection: Donut Dates

A fun thing that Pops and I have done with all of our grands is to take them on a “donut date”—right to the donut factory itself, so to speak—Krispy Kreme.

There’s a Krispy Kreme not too far from where we used to live. I think that the grandkids and I enjoyed watching the donuts being made even more than eating them. Well … almost.

What could be better than a piping hot glazed donut—especially one with all of the calories removed? Of course, there are not just plain donuts at Krispy Kreme. There’s a counter-display filled with donuts of different sizes and shapes—chocolate covered with sprinkles, strawberry filled, cinnamon apple …

When we took some of our grands to Krispy Kreme one fall, did they just want glazed donuts? No, they wanted pumpkin donuts. Guess what? They got pumpkin donuts.

Pops and I have brought the camera with us for our "donut date with the grands.“ We’ve snapped some great pictures and captured some great memories.

Perhaps one day, when Pops and I are no longer on this earth, our grands will be eating donuts with their kids and they’ll say, “I remember when our grandparents took us to the donut shop.” And later they might even take out a tattered scrapbook and point to an old picture—a picture of Pops and me enjoying a Saturday morning with our legacy at Krispy Kreme.

Is it time for you to take your grands on a donut date?

If they live out of town, you could mail them a gift card to a donut store. Ask the grands’ parents to snap a picture of them eating donuts and e-mail it to you. You might respond by e-mail with your own memories of eating donuts.

Most people know that tomorrow is 9/11, the time of great loss and tragedy for Americans. It is the memorial of the terrorists attack on the Two Towers in New York city. It is a day to remember and honor those that lost their lives.

What most people don’t know is that it is also National Grandparents Day. As a "papa” I want to also share in this celebration. One simple way for grandparents to connect is to have a “donut date.” A sweet treat and a sweet way to spend time with grandkids.

Adults Behave Better When Teddy Bears Are in the Room – Harvard Business Review

The finding: Adults are less likely to cheat and more likely to engage in “pro-social” behaviors when reminders of children, such as teddy bears and crayons, are present.

The research: Sreedhari Desai and her research partner Francesca Gino had people play classic psychology games in which the subjects controlled how much money other people earned and could earn more themselves if they lied. Half the participants were either in a room with children’s toys or engaged in children’s activities. Across the board, those participants lied less and were more generous than the control subjects.

The challenge: Could the simple presence of toys really make people behave more ethically? Should we stock boardrooms with stuffed animals? Professor Desai, defend your research.

Desai: In all our lab studies, we found that when subjects were near toys or engaged in activities like watching cartoons, the number of cheaters dropped almost 20%. In several studies we had participants play games in which they filled in missing letters to complete words. Those who were primed with childhood cues were far more likely to form “moral” words like “pure” and “virtue” than those who weren’t. In addition, people behaved better in the presence of childhood cues even if they weren’t feeling particularly happy.

HBR: To us, these lab games often feel completely detached from reality. How do you know people will behave better in the real world based on this?

Larry Lessig, my boss at Harvard’s ethics center, had the same question. He asked me point-blank, “Can you demonstrate this kind of effect in the field?” So we took KLD’s massive database of corporate information and cross-referenced it with geographical data, and we found that if companies have five or more day-care centers, nurseries, or kindergartens within a two-mile radius of their headquarters, their charitable giving increases significantly.

How can you link charitable giving to day-care centers in the area? There are a lot of variables at work here.

We ran a regression analysis that controlled for firm-specific variables—size, age, risk, business performance. And we controlled for population density, because research has shown that people are somewhat meaner in very dense places. Even after controlling for all this, the more day-care centers and kindergartens there were, the more likely the company was to engage in charitable behavior. This was so exciting. For someone who does lab work, it was nice to see the same pattern of results in the real-world data.

I am glad to see this type of research out there…it makes my office look more normal. I can get away with having toys in my office since I am a child therapist but now everyone has a good excuse to bring in a couple stuffed animals or box of crayons.

Teen Conflict Spillover

Parents of teens probably know this all too well. A conflict at home can mean sending your teen out the door in a funk, which can spur negative interactions outside of the home. Conversely, teens can come in the door having had a conflict with a friend and that means anyone in his or her path is in for it, too. This dynamic is what a recent study in the journal Child Development studied.

Chung and colleagues set out to examine whether or not there was spillover between conflict with parents/family and conflict with peers. As one may guess, the researchers found that when teens had a conflict with a parent or other family member they were more likely to report having a conflict with a peer, and vice versa. They referred to this phenomenon as “spillover”.

The authors discuss spillover in the context of a “transmission of negative emotions” and an extreme and negative quality that can color the adolescent emotional experience. Teens simply experience emotions with an intensity that is specific to being a teenager. With all of the changes that teens go through (remember puberty?), it would make sense that they would experience some fierce emotions.

The authors collected daily diary entries for two weeks from over 500 ninth-grade males and females from diverse backgrounds. Study participants reported on family and peer conflict, as well as emotional distress. Because the entries were subjective, the results certainly need to be interpreted within the framework of perception. That is, the diaries were the information that the teens reported to be their experiences. Asking someone else could have potentially offered different information.

In each situation of conflict, same predicted same at the highest rates. In other words, peer conflict predicted peer conflict more than family conflict predicted it. Conversely, family conflict predicted family conflict at a higher rate than peer conflict predicted it.

Although the effects were smaller, family conflict still significantly predicted same-day and next-day peer conflict. Interestingly, it also significantly predicted peer conflict two days later. Now that’s some spillover! Peer conflict significantly predicted same-day and next-day family conflict. Effects were stronger for girls than for boys and girls reported the experience of arguing with family members as being more stressful than arguing with peers.

Nobody suggests that parenting a teen is a walk in the park. On the contrary, it is a challenging time for both parent and teen and brings with it a host of trying situations unique to this phase of life. While parents can’t be there to keep peer conflict from happening, they do have some control over parent-teen conflict. And improving parent-teen conflict, according to this study, may have the added bonus of improving teen conflict with peers.

So what can parents of teens do to bring down the conflict at home? Oftentimes, learning how to talk about tough (or even not so tough) topics in a different way can make an amazing difference. I know, I know. Teens are especially clever at knowing exactly which buttons to push to make your face turn purple and your voice raise an octave or two. If you’d like to, in turn, be clever by learning some new ways to defuse these situations and make them productive rather than meet them with conflict, I definitely recommend Faber and Mazlish’s book “How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk”. It’s chock full of different techniques and strategies that both parents and teens can use to increase respect and decrease conflict while helping teens become more responsible individuals. Enjoy! -Anita

Source: Chung GH, Flook L, & Fuligni AJ (2011). Reciprocal Associations Between Family and Peer Conflict in Adolescents’ Daily Lives. Child development PMID: 2179382

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Does your interactions with your teen at home affect their interactions with peers? According to this review of the research it does. Your teen will never let you know you have such an influence on them other than blame you for all the problems that exist in their lives but you do have an emotional impact, called a “spillover.”

Teaching children about 9/11


The twin towers at the World Trade Center on Sept. 11, 2001.
(Jeff Christensen – Reuters)

What are your telling your child, if anything, about the events of 9/11? This year is the 10 year commemoration of this tragic event. It raises an even bigger question about how to talk to children about violence in general. Share your thoughts on this timely subject.

Boys and Girls Worry Differently

Here are some of the things girls worry about: (ranked in order of importance)

• Relationships between family and friends
• Appearance
• School/Grades
• Boyfriend/Girlfriend
• College/Future

Here are some of the things boys worry about: (also ranked in order of importance)

• What to do with time/Having fun
• School/Grades
• Friends
• Girlfriend/Sex
• College/Future

The apparenting.com site is looking at one of the differences between boys and girls: things they worry about. I never considered this to be part of the gender difference literature but found it interesting. What are your thoughts? Do boys and girls worry about different or similar things in life?