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Do you know your child’s Love Language?

To love and be loved is the most basic of all human needs. People will go to extremes to get this need met. It forms the basis of the world’s religions. Society has capitalized on it commercially through the marketing of Hallmark cards, chocolate candy and diamond rings. Whatever its form or expression, getting the love you need and sharing it with others is a life-long process.

 One of the best books on the subject, for me, was the book “The Five Love Languages”

 by Dr. Gary Chapman. In a very practical manner he listed the five love languages as:

1. Words of Affirmation

2. Receiving Gifts

3. Quality Time

4. Acts of Service

5. Physical Touch

 According to the author, every one seeks to get their love needs met through these five areas. Some of us have more dominant love needs through positive words of affirmation while others feel more love through the application of touch. Regardless of the specific dialects you might speak, all of us have one or more of these basic elements in our emotional vocabulary.  

 One of the easiest ways to determine someone’s love language is to observe how they express love. We tend to speak love to others in the way we want to be spoken to. This can result in frustration for people in close relationships who persist in expressing love in ways that met their own needs but don’t take into account the language of the other person. For example, my wife might like acts of service to fulfill her needs for love while I like to receive gifts. Bringing her candy and flowers for Valentines Day might be appreciated but it will not have the same impact as cooking her dinner and drawing a bath.

Take a moment to remember the last time someone did something for you that made you feel loved. How did that action fit into the five love languages? Was it a hug? An evening out? A gift? An act of service? A kind word?

Take another moment to analyze the love needs of those closest to you? How do they fit into these five love languages? It might be more than one. Have you spoken this language in a way that meets others needs?

 Now, think about the clients you serve. Are they getting their love needs met? Are the parents striving in vain to meet the needs of their children but ending up frustrated? Do they need to find new ways to speak love to their child? How are the children expressing love? Are they trying to demonstrate what their needs are by their actions?

 

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7 Skills for Teaching Your Child to Stand-Up to Bullies


Skill 1: Stay Connected

Bullies operate by making their victims feel alone and powerless. Children reclaim their power when they make and maintain connections with faithful friends and supportive adults.

Skill 2: Create Awareness

Sometimes kids feel like adults never do anything–so why even bother to tell them about incidence of bullying? While there are cases when adults fail to acknowledge the seriousness of a situation, it is more often the case that grown-ups are not aware of what is going on. Bullies use relational aggression to inflict their violence in subtle, socially acceptable ways that tend not to register on an adult’s radar. Teach your child that it is her job to create awareness. Be clear in teaching kids that telling an adult about bullying is not a mark of cowardice, but rather a bold, powerful move.

Skill 3: Re-define Tattling

My daughter came to me yesterday, worried that if she told the bus driver about a boy who was spitting on her, then she would be labeled as a “tattletale.” I told her that this is exactly what the bully wanted her to think! Isolation is a bully’s method of intimidation. In fact, it is only by telling an adult that kids can begin to re-balance the power dynamic. When a bully realizes that he will not be able to keep a victim isolated, he immediately begins to lose power.

Skill 4: Act Quickly

The longer a bully has power over a victim, the stronger the hold becomes. Oftentimes, bullying begins in a relatively mild form–name calling, teasing, or minor physical aggression. After the bully has tested the waters and confirmed that a victim is not going to tell and adult and stand up for his rights, the aggression worsens. Teach your child that taking action against the bully–and taking it sooner rather than later–is the best way to gain and retain power.

Skill 5: Respond Assertively 

The more a bully thinks he can pick on a victim without a response, the more he will do it. That’s why an assertive response is so effective in countering bullying. Kids who master the skills of assertiveness are comfortable in the middle ground between aggressive comebacks that up the ante for the next go-round, and passive responses that invite further abuse.

Skill 6: Use Simple, Unemotional Language

Assertive kids use simple, unemotional, direct language to let bullies know that they do not intend to be victimized. Why should you teach your child to use responses that are “unemotional?” Indications that a person can be emotionally impacted signal a bully that he will be able to wield power easily. By encouraging your child to respond without anger or fear, you teach her how to portray confidence. The bully, in turn, detects less potential for wielding control.

Skill 7: Use Body Language to Reinforce Words

When coaching your child in the skills of assertive communication, it is helpful to practice using body language to reinforce words. Teach your child to employ these simple, non-verbal assertive strategies that indicate to a bully that your child means what she says:

• Maintain eye contact
• Keep your voice calm and even
• Stand an appropriate distance from the bully
• Use the bully’s name when speaking to him

Teach your child that emotional non-verbals, such as looking away, raising her voice, or shrinking back are all dead giveaways that the bully has gotten to her.

via psychologytoday.com

Ron Huxley’s Reasons: It is a sad state of affairs when we have to teach our children how to deal with bullies but that is exactly what so many parents have to do today. Without these skills our children can be victims in school settings. Share your thoughts on this topic with us!

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Common Reactions to Being a Stay and Home Dad and How to Deal with Them

In one study published in Psychology of Women Quarterly in 2005, researchers from Yale University looked at the attitudes of our culture at large towards traditional and non-traditional families. The researchers defined traditional as a family with a working father and stay-at-home mother, and non-traditional families as families with a working mother and a stay-at-home father. The results of these studies were quite interesting, and they just go to show what some of the common reactions to stay-at-home dads are.

The researchers in this study found that people liked traditional families more, and that they expressed negative attitudes – usually very openly! – towards non-traditional families. Stay-at-home dads were somehow viewed as less-than by other people, and working mothers were not well-respected or well-liked unless they were working because of financial necessity rather than for personal fulfillment.

If you’re already a stay-at-home dad or have talked with people about the possibility of becoming one, this all probably seems like a no-brainer to you! It’s not at all uncommon for people to have a distinctly negative, know-it-all attitude towards stay-at-home dads. But then, of course, there’s the opposite extreme of those who paint you to be a hero just because you stay home with your kids. What’s a guy to do? Here are a few of the most common reactions to being a stay-at-home dad and what you can do about them:

The Hateful Reaction
When it comes to parenting, you simply can’t please everyone, nor should you try to. While every parenting decision from whether or not to breastfeed a child to whether or not to spank a child can come with hateful reactions from certain quarters, nothing seems to draw so many of these reactions as being a stay-at-home dad. (At least, that’s how you probably feel when you tell people that this is what you do!) Some people just don’t get it and never will agree with your decision.

The best way to react to this one is to ignore it! You don’t owe anyone else (not even your own mother-in-law!) a justification about why you’ve decided to stay home with your kids. If you’re getting a hateful reaction from someone you don’t even know, just walk away. In touchier situations – like when you’re dealing with family members – perhaps you can come up with a one-liner such as, “It just works better for us this way,” that you can throw in before you pointedly change the direction of the conversation.

The Effusive Reaction
On the opposite end of the spectrum, you have those very liberal people who think that being a stay-at-home dad makes you a hero. While it can be nice to be praised rather than vilified for your current career choice, it can also be quite annoying because you know you’re just doing what’s best for your family and yourself at this particular moment in your history.

Dealing with those who think you’re a total hero for taking care of your kids can be tricky. Of course, you don’t want to offend them purposefully, but you might also want to just change the subject yet again. Again, having just a little something to say about your role as a stay-at-home dad and then changing the subject can be helpful.

The Advice-Giving Reaction
Part of the problem with our world’s perception of the roles of men and women is that people assume dads don’t understand how to take care of children by virtue of the fact that they are male. This is, of course, no true. Some men are just as much “naturals” at caring for kids as some women are, and every parent has at least a little bit of learning curve, no matter what their gender!

Just because men can’t give birth or breastfeed certainly doesn’t mean they aren’t competent enough to care for a child.
With that said, as a stay-at-home dad, be prepared for more than your fair share of parenting advice. It will come from moms at the playground, your family members, people you know a little, and complete strangers in the grocery store. There are a myriad of ways to handle the advice-giving reaction to your role as a dad, and the option you choose depends on your personality, how well you know the advice giver, and your mood on that particular day.

You could, for instance, just let the advice roll off your back with a polite, “Thanks for the advice” and, of course, a quick change of subject if you’re stuck in an actual conversation with the advice-giver. You could also become a little sarcastic, which is especially fun when you’re dealing with those who have much less parenting experience than you (or, in many cases, who aren’t parents at all and just happen to be of the female gender). Of course, if the person you’re speaking with has a similar parenting style to your own and is genuinely trying to help, it can be helpful to listen and learn! It might eat at your pride a little to take unasked-for advice, but sometimes you really will learn something helpful!

Reactions to being a stay-at-home dad can be difficult to get used to and to deal with at first, and if your career had previously been a big part of your identity, things can be even more difficult. However, learning to deal with these common reactions in a way that is helpful for you and for the people involved otherwise is a good way to make your time as a stay-at-home dad more successful.

By Daniela Baker

Daniela blogs at CreditDonkey, a credit card comparison site. She blogs about family finance and as a mother of two, she firmly believes in the idea of having a bit of an emergency fund saved up just in case.

via diyfather.com

Ron Huxley’s Reaction: I love this post by DIY Father.com as it addresses some very common reactions to stay at home dads. I have known several families where the wife makes more money and has a more stable dad and this was the logical conclusion for their family. It seemed to work for them. I think it would drive me crazy.

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TV Has Probably Already Ruined Your Kids

TV Has Probably Already Ruined Your Kids

Is your child younger than two years old? Has your child ever caught a glimpse of your household television set in the “on” mode? Congratulations: you’re raising a loser.

THAT is a highly sensationalized version of what the American Academy of Pediatrics now says, which is that kids under two should not be watching TV, period. What part of “period” do you not understand, Al Bundy? It’s right here on the internet’s leading parenting advice site, Gawker.com: no TV for your babies.

However, the recommendations run counter to what most parents actually do. About 90 percent of parents say their kids younger than 2 watch some type of media, according to a 2007 study. By the age of 3, nearly one-third of kids have a TV in their bedrooms.

Let’s see, all American parents are awful failures wiling to sacrifice their children’s well being at the altar of “shut up so I can relax for five damn minutes.” Got it. Fortunately, you’re all so ambitious for your children that you’ll ruin them in a totally different way by the time they reach high school. Ah, well. They couldn’t have afforded college anyhow.

via gawker.com

Ron Huxley Reply: I reposted this just minutes before my grandson (who was visiting me) got up and wanted to watch Mario Brothers on YouTube. Hmmm, ethical delimna. Guess, what I did? I let him watch it for two reasons:
1. He is 5 and not 2 or younger.
2. I don’t get so hung up about children watching television as so many others do.

I do believe in balance and the importance of children spending time outdoors but at 7 am in the morning, a few minutes watching cartoons in the morning, while I have some coffee, it a good way to wake up for both of us. Also, it is a great time to snuggle on the couch. A few years from now and that reality is long gone. 
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How to WORK with a teen brain

Recently, I was doing some research on the latest trends in neuroscience in preparation for a training for social workers and mental health professionals on how to work with children that have been traumatized. A particular area of interest for me is the teenage brain. It is one of the most rapidy changing period of brain development. This is no surprise to parents who are trying to understand the rapidly changing personality of the teenager.

Perhaps the most dramatic area of development is the area called the prefrontal orbital brain. It is called this because it sits directly behind our eyeballs and it is responsible for abstract thought, moral reasoning, self-control, planning, judgement and so many other areas commonly associated with adults. This area is in constant flux, causing radical shifts in mood and attitude. This formation and reformation of the brain continues into young adulthood (mid 20’s). I often joke with parents that while their child has the hardware upgrade, the software has not yet been installed. This is why the teen is capable of getting pregnant, driving a car or doing alegebra but they doesn’t mean that they are completely ready for the adult world of intense responsibilty or raising a family.

This poses significant challenges to parents who want to navigate the raging waters of adolescence, therefore, I am going to list four basic reminders to help parents stay sane when their child actions appear insane. I am using the acronym WORK to guide parents:

W = Remember that your child is still “wondering” about how the world works. He or she might try to convince you that they already know how it does but they don’t. They haven’t had enough experience yet for this to be possible. They need you to help them by asking “what if” questions that will explain some cause and effect relationship and assist them in planning out their day and making better judgements. Because their brain is still developing they use their “will” to fight you and cover up their inexperience. Don’t shame them. Train the “will” to find positive rewards in daily interactions. “Wait” for them to get it. It will take them longer than you as they haven’t traveled some of this morally sticky situations in life yet. Allow them a little more time to “wake” up to a new world of responsibilities and schedules.

O = Be “open” to “opportunities” with your teenage child to share some wisdom about the world and how to survive in it. Don’t preach at them as this will shut them down completely. “Occupy” the same space and look for openings when you are both in a good mood. The relational approach will be more effective and allow more “objective” conversation between you. Remember that “obedieance” at this age is really about natural consequences or trial and error for the teenager. The will learn more about doing then lecturing. Being a good role model will help them understand how to use the “operators” manual called their brain more than lots of words at this time of life. 

R = “Relationship” is one of the toughest things to have with the teen but one of the most important tasks a parent can do for their child. You may only have a split-second when the door is open wide enough to have that former intimacy but use it when you can. It will pay huge ‘rewards" for both of you later in life. “Recognize” that the teen is in process. They are still not fully cooked and need more time in the oven of life before they can be expected to make better decisions. They will “reflect” their peers and “respond” more from other unexperienced teenagers over their own, more experience parents. This is not a true sign of dis"respect" or “rejection.” The teen is just trying to find their own way. Don’t take this personal. “Rebelliousness” is the other side of the “readiness” coin of maturity.

K = Be “kind” to your teen as they develop mentally, socially, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Turn the proverbial other cheek and smile when they growl. Reach out again when they slap away your hand. The “key” to relating to the teenager is long term vision. This isn’t just about today. It is about the next 10, 20, 30, 40 years of your life together. The cold response you get from the teen child today will “kindle” into a stronger fire of connection later in life. Work with that end in mind. Keep in mind this is your “kin.” They may be more like you than you care to admit. They share your nature and your nurture and need your “kudo’s” for every positive effort and end result you can give.  

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10 Tools for Positive Attachment | Psychology Today

It’s never too late to have a close relationship with someone you love. If you had a connection before, you can have it again. If you need a model for building a good relationship, consider what the word “attachment” spells out:

A: Attachment is about creating a bond with those you love. It requires that you accept life’s imperfections and get okay with things being “good enough.” When you have a good attachment with the ones you love almost any obstacle can be overcome.

T: Touch is a very important part of being attached. If you’re not getting enough, talk with your mate about it. Physical connection is a necessary part of creating a healthy attachment. If you don’t want or need to be touched, that’s okay, but if your partner isn’t on the same page, it will chip away at your foundation.

T: Thoughtfulness means that, even in times of strife, you somehow always manage to consider your partner first. You need to want your partner to be happy, and thinking about him or her should make you happy.

A: Affirming verbally how you feel is very important for many people. To never hear “I love you” from your mate can leave you feeling as though you are not truly wanted. Many men and women need to hear they are valued. This is a case where actions do not speak louder than words.

C: Connecting with your partner by looking into his or her eyes, holding hands, and just saying “thank you for being in my life” or holding each other tightly for several minutes are both powerful tools. Give them a shot.

H: Hoping for a better tomorrow is critical for relationships that are in healing mode. If you both honestly commit to working on your relationship together, you will have the best chance of getting through a rough patch.

M: Memories of happier times will help you find the strength you need to get things back on track if you have lost your feelings of attachment. Knowing that you were once in love can give you the motivation you need to find it again.

E: Emotional availability and support are the cornerstones of a loving intimate relationship. Your partner needs to know that you’re going to be there for him or her.

N: Needing another person is not a sign of weakness. Yes, people can be too needy, and insecure behavior can make it difficult for a couple to bond appropriately. But everyone needs to feel valued and that his or her feelings won’t be dismissed.

T: Trusting that you are loved is essential. If you have any doubts, it’s best to sit down and talk about them. Communicating, verbally and nonverbally, is the best tool for creating what you want.

After a little time, what you may find is that your partner isn’t perfect and neither are you. Of course, that means that your relationship isn’t perfect either. It is, however, good enough.

via psychologytoday.com

Ron Huxley’s Additions: As a family therapist, parenting educator and parents, I welcome any movements toward building strong families. It is what the Parenting Toolbox web site has always been about. These 10 tools give some great advice on how to establish the building blocks of relationships. It is actually based on some serious science but that isn’t important here. Practice these parenting tools today.

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10 Discipline Tricks from Teachers

via parenting.com

Ron Huxley’s Remarks: Ever wonder why your child behaves at school but not at home? In this very informative article, parents.com lists 13 ways your child’s teacher uses to gain control:

1. Give them a “do-over.”

2. Set up a take-a-break space.

3. Get on your knees.

4. Channel their superpower.

5. Change “go” to “come.”

6. Say their name first.

7. Let them swap chores.

8. Let them make the rules.

9. Give them a piece of the rock.

10. Do a countdown to liftoff.

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How Parents and Adult Children Can Rebuild Relationships

How Parents and Adult Children Can Rebuild Relationships

by Lindsey Rich

As an empty nester, your relationship with your grown children may be filled with joy or disappointment. Do you act like best friends and weekly phone conversations, go on weekly shopping trips or seek one another’s advice? Or is their life like adolescence all over again?

Frustration ferments with questionable choices in dating lifestyles, drug and alcohol consumption and spending habits.

Sure, your kids may need to grow up.

But consider this: Maybe you are the impetus of the conflict. The fights increase because you have saddled unrealistic expectations on them; maybe they don’t follow the career path you have set for them; maybe they make choices you wouldn’t make.

If any of these ring to a familiar tone, it is time to examine the source of your conflict.

Causes of Conflict

Researchers at California State University have found that, while some children may have “grown up,” adulthood is fraught with problems, stemming from:

  • Communication style
  • Lifestyle choices
  • The way grandchildren are raised
  • Politics and religion
  • Employment status
  • Household conduct1

Psychiatrist Harry Bloomfield agrees with these findings, adding that almost 90 percent of children in adulthood do not get along with their parents.2

Advice for Repairing the Relationship

If you are a parent whose relationship is strained, Dr. Kathryn Bechkam Mims of Albany State University makes these recommendations:

  • Always tell the truth to one another.
  • Keep the lines of communication open.
  • Be sensitive to each other’s feelings.
  • Respect one another, despite differences in opinions.
  • Do not hold on to the past or judge their decisions. We all make mistakes, and each slip-up provides an opportunity for a life lesson.
  • Don’t blame one another. Blame is not always necessary and it’s often unhelpful.
  • Decide that your relationship with your child or parent is more important than most disagreements.3

Love and respect are the most important parts in any relationship. With a healthy dose of each, parents can move past their role as disciplinarian and into their new role as friend and confidant. “Reaching a comfortable adult-to-adult friendship is a growing, changing process, and it’s never too late to make new progress.”4

1 Clarke, Preston, Raksin, and Bengston, “Types of conflicts and tensions between older parents and adult children,” The Gerontologist, 39(3) (1999), 261-270.
2 Carol Kuykendall, Give Them Wings (Wheaton, Illinois: Tyndale House Publishers, 1994).
3 K.B. Mims, “They’re all grown up but I’m still a parent!,” Family Information Services, Minneapolis, MN (1998).
4 Chuck Colson, “The Return of Peter Pan,” Breakpoint (July 23, 1992), 5.
Copyright © 2006 Lindsey Rich. Used with permission. All rights reserved.
via troubledwith.com

Ron Huxley’s Reflections: As an empty nester myself, I found this a simple, but helpful article on how to maintain a relationship with your adult child. I find that the toughest thing to do is allow them to make their own decisions and know when to keep you mouth shut or when to speak out. I admit, I haven’t always managed this balance.

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Take a Brain Break – Mindfulness for Children

http://cdnapi.kaltura.com/index.php/kwidget/wid/0_9w4mpxly/uiconf_id/5590821

via elevatedexistence.com

Ron Huxley’s Comments: In this video, actress Goldie Hawn talks about the importance of teaching children mindfulness. Her program is called MindUp and takes only a few minutes a day. Mindfulness research is promising huge improvements in mental health. Some of it gets, well, a bit out there! For the most part, however, it holds great benefits in improving mood, increases focus, and promote self-control. What child doesn’t need that? What parent doesn’t need that?