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Magical Thinking / Memories Jar

Children say the funniest things, yet all too often, I seem to forget them after a day or two.  I’ll start telling my husband.. “C said the funniest thing…” and then I can’t quite remember. Or I get it a little mixed up and it’s not nearly as funny as I remember.

So I started writing down the funnier moments of the day. I keep a jar on my desk, and when the kids say something particularly worthy of recording, I grab a scrap of paper (phone bill, envelope, chopstick holder.. whatever is lying around) and I quickly jot it down. I read about Joan Didion doing something similar when her daughter was a young girl in The Year of Magical Thinking.

via inchmark.squarespace.com

Ron Huxley Reply: Children life in the the magical world of imagination and mystery. Use this to your advantage as a parent and start to collect little memories of times together. Leave messages for your child at night when they go to sleep and let them reply. Keep the conversations for the tougher days ahead.

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How to Stop or Deal with Backtalk and Talking Back in Teens Children and Kids

As a parent, sometimes it seems like your day is filled with an endless stream of backtalk from your kids—you hear it when you ask them to do chores, when you tell them it’s time to stop watching TV, and when you lay down rules they don’t like. It’s one of the most frustrating and exhausting things that we deal with when we raise our kids.

“Your job as a parent is not to get your child to accept the rationality of your decisions. You just need them to follow the rules.”

 

Backtalk comes from a sense of powerlessness and frustration. People don’t like to feel powerless, and that includes children. So when kids are told “no” they feel like something’s been taken from them. They often feel compelled to fill that empty space with backtalk. I want to make the distinction here between backtalk and verbal abuse, because many times people confuse these two very different things. If your child has started saying hurtful or harmful things, the line between backtalk and verbal abuse has been crossed. For instance, if a child is cursing you, calling you names or threatening you, that’s verbal abuse. If your child is saying, “This isn’t fair, you don’t understand, you don’t love me,” that’s backtalk.

Verbal abuse is a very negative behavior and has to be dealt with aggressively and up front. It’s not that backtalk is harmless, but it’s certainly not as hurtful and hostile and attacking as verbal abuse is. For parents who are dealing with verbal abuse in their home right now, rest assured that we’ll be addressing this topic in an upcoming article.

Backtalk itself can take several forms. One is the kid who can’t keep quiet, no matter what you say: he or she has got to have the last word. And then there’s the child who wants you to understand their point after you’ve already said “no.” It’s easy for kids to get into the mindset of, “If I could just explain it better, you’d understand my situation.” So you’ll get kids who present their problem or request repeatedly in the hopes that their parents will give in and respond to it. If their parents don’t give them the answer they want, those kids will then try to re-explain, as if the parent doesn’t understand. Often, as they launch into their explanation for the third or fourth time, the child and the parent will both get more frustrated until it ends up in an argument or a shouting match.

Don’t Respond to Backtalk: You’ve already set the limit
Why do parents react to backtalk after they’ve already won the argument? I think parents often see it as their job to respond to their children: to teach, train and set limits on them. And backtalk is an invitation to do just that. Just as the child re-explains things to the parent if they’re told “no,” the parent “talks back” and re-explains things to their child. So the parent’s mindset seems to be, “If you really understood what I was saying, you wouldn’t talk back to me—you’d accept my answer.” Let me be clear here: That’s not a rational mindset. It leads parents into attending and prolonging arguments in which they don’t need to engage. Parents sometimes see backtalk as a challenge to their authority, but as long as you accomplish your objective, the fact is that your authority is fully intact.

Here’s an example:

Your child: “Can I stay out until 10 tonight?”
You: “No, because you have to get up early tomorrow for soccer practice.”
Your child: “Who cares? I don’t need that much sleep.”

You should stop right there. Any conversation you engage in after that is meant to convince your child that you have sound judgment. Know this: that’s the wrong objective because it addresses a completely different issue—whether or not you made a good decision. So once you give a reasonable explanation for the rule you’ve stated, your job is done. You can repeat it again if need be. You’ve already won the fight. But when you try to convince your child that you’re right and they continue to challenge you through backtalk, you’re just going to get more frustrated. Your job as a parent is not to get your child to accept the reasonableness and rationality of your decisions. You just need them to follow the rules. Look at it this way: when a cop stops you for speeding, he doesn’t care if you think that 35 miles an hour is too slow. He just tells you what the law is. If you argue with him, he repeats what the law is. If you don’t accept it, he hands you your ticket and walks away. If you become verbally abusive, he arrests you. Try to think of yourself as the cop here—you’re the parent making the rules, and your child needs to accept them or pay the consequences.

Shutting Down Backtalk: The Plan
In order to put a stop to backtalk, there are several things you have to do. First of all, when things are good, sit down with your child and lay down some ground rules. Discussions about these rules are critical to good communication and to cooperation down the road. I guarantee that you’ll feel better as a parent if you set up rules and follow them with your children. Your goal then becomes following the ground rules instead of trying to achieve your child’s acceptance. The first rule is, “I’ll explain something once and I’m not going to talk more after that. If you try to argue or debate, I’m going to walk away. If you follow me or if you continue there will be consequences.” You set limits on backtalk and you don’t give it power.

Another option is to set up a certain time of day in which your kid can talk back to you. You can say to them, “From 7-7:10 p.m., you can ask me to re-explain all my decisions. Save it for then. If you need to, write it down in a journal. Then at 7 o’clock, we’ll sit down and I’ll explain to you why you can’t date a 22 year old or how come you got grounded for smoking. But at 7:15, our discussion is done. If you try to keep it going there will be consequences.” That way, if you feel like you want to give your child an outlet to air his or her grievances, there’s a way to do it without getting bogged down in constant arguing.

Remember, there are two kinds of days that a kid has: there are good days and then there are days when things don’t go their way. Don’t try to fight the tide of disappointment that kids experience. They will use backtalk to get their way, but as a parent, you have to accept the fact that they will not always be happy with your decisions. Your job is to set the rules and enforce them because those roles are for your kid’s development and safety. Whether they like those rules or not, they have to learn to live with them.

via empoweringparents.com

Ron Huxley Respects: I have a lot of respect for James Lehman’s Total Transformation Program. Give him a look see and join our Parents “Inner Circle” for even more parenting help.

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Depressed Teenagers: Problem, Risks, Signs and Solutions


Is your child sad or appear to have no affect at all? Is your child preoccupied with the topic of death or other morbid topics? Has your son or daughter expressed suicidal thoughts or ideas? Are they extremely moody or irritable beyond the normal hormonal twists and turns of childhood? Has there been a drastic change in your child’s eating or sleeping patterns? If you answered yes to any of these questions, your child may be suffering from a common but devastating mental health disorder, called depression.

The Problem:

Depression occurs in 8 percent of all adolescent lives. Research indicates that children, in general, are becoming depressed earlier in live. The implications of this is that the earlier the onset of the illness the longer and more chronic the problem. Studies suggest that depression often persists, recurs, and continues into adulthood, and indicates that depression in youth may also predict more severe illness in adult life. Depression in young people often co-occurs with other mental disorders, most commonly anxiety, disruptive behavior, or substance abuse disorders, and with physical illnesses, such as diabetes.

The Risks:

Teenagers often turn to substances to “self-medicate” the feelings of depression. They reject prescribed medications because of the way it makes them feel and because of the negative social implications of being labeled as depressed. Drinking alcohol and using other substances may make teenagers feel better for a short period of time but the need to continually use these substances to feel “high” creates dependence and poses a serious health risk. Depression in adolescence is also associated with an increased risk of suicidal behavior. Suicide is the third leading cause of death for 10 to 24-year-olds and as much as 7 percent of all depressed teens will make a suicide attempt.

The Signs:

Signs that frequently accompany depression in adolescence include: · Frequent vague, non-specific physical complaints such as headaches, muscle aches, stomachaches or tiredness · Frequent absences from school or poor school performance · Talk of or efforts to run away from home · Outbursts of shouting, complaining, unexplained irritability, or crying · Being bored · Lack of interest in playing with friends · Alcohol or substance abuse · Social isolation, poor communication · Fear of death · Extreme sensitivity to rejection or failure · Increased irritability, anger, or hostility · Reckless behavior · Difficulty with relationships

Parents often witness these warning signs but fail to act on them. Why? Because some teens hide the symptoms from their parents or parents chalk it up to a stage or moodiness. Many teenagers go through a time of dark looking/acting behavior with all black clothing and bizarre hair arrangements. This can throw a parent off of the trail of depression by the bewilderment of teen actions and behaviors. In addition, many teens react aggressively when confronted about possible depression by their parents causing mom and dad to back off.

The Solutions:

When dealing with teen depression, it is always better to “be safe than sorry.” Coping with an adolescent’s anger is much easier to deal with then handling his or her successful suicide or overdose. When parents notice first notice the signs of depression, it is important to sit down with their teen and ask them, gently but firmly, if they are feeling depressed or suicidal. Contrary to popular belief, asking a child if he or she has had any thoughts of hurting or killing themselves does not cause them to act on that subject. If the teen rejects the idea that they are depressed and continues to show warning signs, it will be necessary to seek professional help.

If the child acknowledges that he or she is depressed, immediately contact your physician and seek the assistance of a mental health professional that works with children and adolescents. In addition, parents can help their teen by confronting self-defeating behaviors and thoughts by pointing out their positive attributes and value. Parents may need to prompt their teen to eat, sleep, exercise, and perform basic hygiene tasks on a daily basis. Doing these daily routines can dramatically help improve mood. Try to direct the teen to hang out with positive peers. Steer them away from other depressed adolescents. Explore underlying feelings of anger, hurt, and loss. Even the smallest loss of a friend or pet can intensify feelings of sadness. Allow the teen to talk, draw, or journal about their feelings without judgment. And for suicidal teens, make a “no-harm” contract for 24 to 48 hours at a time when they will not hurt themselves.

With proper care and treatment, depression can be alleviated and suicidal behaviors prevented. Parents and teen may even find a new, deeper relationship developing between them as they work through the dark feelings of depression.

Reference:

National Institute of Mental Health Web Site. “Children and Depression: A Fact Sheet for Physicians.” (2001) http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/depchildresfact.cfm

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New Definition of Autism May Exclude Many, Study Suggests

The definition is now being reassessed by an expert panel appointed by the American Psychiatric Association, which is completing work on the fifth edition of its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the first major revision in 17 years. The D.S.M., as the manual is known, is the standard reference for mental disorders, driving research, treatment and insurance decisions. Most experts expect that the new manual will narrow the criteria for autism; the question is how sharply.

The results of the new analysis are preliminary, but they offer the most drastic estimate of how tightening the criteria for autism could affect the rate of diagnosis. For years, many experts have privately contended that the vagueness of the current criteria for autism and related disorders like Asperger syndrome was contributing to the increase in the rate of diagnoses — which has ballooned to one child in 100, according to some estimates.

The psychiatrists’ association is wrestling with one of the most agonizing questions in mental health — where to draw the line between unusual and abnormal — and its decisions are sure to be wrenching for some families. At a time when school budgets for special education are stretched, the new diagnosis could herald more pitched battles. Tens of thousands of people receive state-backed services to help offset the disorders’ disabling effects, which include sometimes severe learning and social problems, and the diagnosis is in many ways central to their lives. Close networks of parents have bonded over common experiences with children; and the children, too, may grow to find a sense of their own identity in their struggle with the disorder.

The proposed changes would probably exclude people with a diagnosis who were higher functioning. “I’m very concerned about the change in diagnosis, because I wonder if my daughter would even qualify,” said Mary Meyer of Ramsey, N.J. A diagnosis of Asperger syndrome was crucial to helping her daughter, who is 37, gain access to services that have helped tremendously. “She’s on disability, which is partly based on the Asperger’s; and I’m hoping to get her into supportive housing, which also depends on her diagnosis.”

The new analysis, presented Thursday at a meeting of the Icelandic Medical Association, opens a debate about just how many people the proposed diagnosis would affect.

The changes would narrow the diagnosis so much that it could effectively end the autism surge, said Dr. Fred R. Volkmar, director of the Child Study Center at the Yale School of Medicine and an author of the new analysis of the proposal. “We would nip it in the bud.”

Experts working for the Psychiatric Association on the manual’s new definition — a group from which Dr. Volkmar resigned early on — strongly disagree about the proposed changes’ impact. “I don’t know how they’re getting those numbers,” Catherine Lord, a member of the task force working on the diagnosis, said about Dr. Volkmar’s report.

Previous projections have concluded that far fewer people would be excluded under the change, said Dr. Lord, director of the Institute for Brain Development, a joint project of NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital, Weill Medical College of Cornell University, Columbia University Medical Center and the New York Center for Autism.

Disagreement about the effect of the new definition will almost certainly increase scrutiny of the finer points of the psychiatric association’s changes to the manual. The revisions are about 90 percent complete and will be final by December, according to Dr. David J. Kupfer, a professor of psychiatry at the University of Pittsburgh and chairman of the task force making the revisions.

At least a million children and adults have a diagnosis of autism or a related disorder, like Asperger syndrome or “pervasive developmental disorder, not otherwise specified,” also known as P.D.D.-N.O.S. People with Asperger’s or P.D.D.-N.O.S. endure some of the same social struggles as those with autism but do not meet the definition for the full-blown version. The proposed change would consolidate all three diagnoses under one category, autism spectrum disorder, eliminating Asperger syndrome and P.D.D.-N.O.S. from the manual. Under the current criteria, a person can qualify for the diagnosis by exhibiting 6 or more of 12 behaviors; under the proposed definition, the person would have to exhibit 3 deficits in social interaction and communication and at least 2 repetitive behaviors, a much narrower menu.

Dr. Kupfer said the changes were an attempt to clarify these variations and put them under one name. Some advocates have been concerned about the proposed changes.

“Our fear is that we are going to take a big step backward,” said Lori Shery, president of the Asperger Syndrome Education Network. “If clinicians say, ‘These kids don’t fit the criteria for an autism spectrum diagnosis,’ they are not going to get the supports and services they need, and they’re going to experience failure.”

Amy Harmon contributed reporting.

via nytimes.com

Ron Huxley’s Reply: The DSM 5 (Diagnostic Statistical Manual) is one of those necessary evils. We need it for mental health professionals to communicate with one another and for qualifications for reimbursement through insurance companies or treatment services. We hate it because it labels people and can stigmatize them for life. How have you loved or hate your child’s diagnosis? Share with us by clicking the reply link.

> Get more power parenting tools as a member of our Parenting Toolbox “Inner Circle” at http://parentingtoolbox.com/pages/parenting-membership

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Childhood Aggression Predicts Health Care Use Later in Life

via brainblogger.com

Ron Huxley Responds: This repost from Brain Blogger outlines how children who are chronically aggressive at children has increased risks of health issues later in life. The most obvious reason for this is that angry children turn out to be angry adults, which has serious social and health costs. The 15-year longitudinal study revealed that aggressive lifestyles led to increase drug use, alcohol dependency, injuries and overall poor health. Anger takes a toll on our lives!

The blog states: “Young children can be physically aggressive, owing to a combination of instinct, temperament, cultural and social influences, and (sometimes) not getting what they want. But, by the time most kids reach preschool age, they have learned to control their aggression with coping skills and relational techniques. However, children who do not learn to regulate aggressive behavior are at risk for physical and mental health issues, as well as serious patterns of aggression and violence, as adults.”

Children have to learn social skills. They will hit, bite, or knock other children down as a very primal solution to who “gets to play the toy” or any other challenging social situation. Parents have the responsibility to model appropriate social behavior and teach children common social skills.

Homes with lots of stress and conflict can make teaching children how to get along with others as they look for a release valve for their anxiety. This can turn inward or outward depending on the temperament of the child. The solution to this, while not always simple, is to have healthier marriages and improve family communication.

How have you managed anger in children? What tips can you share on teaching social skills?

> Get more power parenting tools in our Parenting “Inner Circle” at http://parentingtoolbox.com/pages/parenting-membership

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New Kindle eBook: “101 Parenting Tools”

We are excited to announce our latest ebook formatted for the Amazon Kindle: 



Click here to get it hot off the electronic press!

Parents need the right tools for the job. Get 101 Parenting Tools from family therapist Ron Huxley and his popular ParentingToolbox.com website. This 53 page ebook gives an A-Z guide on how manage the toughest parenting problems. In addition, each tool lists the age of the child and parenting style (balance of love and limits) it is best suited for…get it and start taking back control of your home today!

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Teenage Drug Use: Preventing and Treating

Teenage drug use is a severe problem in our society. It is a big concern for parents with very few clear directions on how to parents should prevent it from occurring in the first place. This is due to the fact that it is a subject that is considered “taboo” in our society leading to parents avoiding talking about the risks and dangers. It should be no surprise, then, that over-indulgent parents tend to have children with the highest drug abuse problems.

The problem of teenage drug abuse is huge.  According to the US Center for Disease Control, approximately 75% of teenagers have tried alcohol, 35% of teens have used marijuana at least once and almost 20% of teens currently use it regularly. Reports from the National Survey on Drug Use and Health state those 5.2 million youths ages 12 and older used non-medical pain killers within the month prior to being surveyed.  It is reported that drug use has affected the lives of nearly 40 percent of all teenagers in America. This would include health problems, driving under the influence, highway crashes, arrests, impaired school and job performance. The drugs that teenagers most often use range from Alcohol, LSD, Marijuana, and tobacco products, to name just a few. 

Signs that your teenager might be using drugs include: loss of interest in family activities, sudden increase or decrease in appetite, disrespect for family rules, disappearance of valuable items or money, lying about activities, verbally or physically abusive interactions between the teen and the rest of the family, secretive behaviors, and/or excuses for bad behavior. Other warning signs include missing prescription drugs, finding cigarette rolling papers, pipes, small glass vials, plastic baggies or remnants of drugs, use of incense or room deodorant to hide smoke or chemical odors, and using breath mints or mouth wash to cover up the smell of alcohol.

If your child has any of these signs, it is important to address those concerns directly. Don’t be in denial or fear your child’s anger at your questions or concerns about drug use. Better a little negative reaction from your teen then allowing a problem to move from use to abuse and long-term addiction or death. Permissiveness is as big a factor as peer pressure when it comes to why teenagers use drugs or alcohol.

As much as teenagers attempt to reject being like their parents, they do view their actions as role models. The positive side of this is that parents who handle the problem with directness and empathy will have a better chance at treating the teenager’s drug use and maintaining a healthy relationship. The negative side is that parents who abuse drugs and alcohol themselves cannot preach what they do not practice. Additionally, parents who react in an overly hostile manner toward their children will reinforce the very problem they are trying to stop.

Protective factors that will help parents prevent or treat drug use include learning better family communication skills, appropriate discipline styles, firm and consistent rule enforcement, and other positive family management approaches. Research confirms the benefits of talking to children about drugs, monitoring their activities, getting to know their friends, understanding their problems and concerns, and being involved in their school activities.

If you are a parent that is looking for teenage drug treatment and teenage rehab centers there are many options available.

Refer to sites like http://www.rehabs.com to see if there is one near where you live.

You can look into detoxification, residential rehabilitation, an intensive outpatient program, or an aftercare/continuing care program.

For the successful fruition of the drug treatment program the role played by the family is very vital. Drug addiction is a problem that affects not only the individual but also the family members. The family should act as a support system for the recovering patients. For these teenagers to be able to stay clean and free of drugs they need the involvement and support of their family.

An addicted teenager must be given timely and proper help from a professional source to take care of their condition. For proper treatment a correct diagnosis of the condition is very vital at the beginning. During the recovery process at a teenage drug treatment center a patient goes through a treatment procedure that suits them and their requirements. Drug abuse has several physical and emotional challenges which must be dealt with in a highly professional and caring manner.

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What’s New in Our Parenting App?

Have you downloaded our freee parenting app yet? NO! Why not? It offers parents on the go helpful advice on management crisis situations, creative ideas to keep the kids busy, much needed affirmations and our regular Parenting Toolbox blog posts.

Click here for more information on our FREE parenting app!

Now you can list your local parenting class or event too. Just send us the details of your next group, class or conference for parents to rehuxley@gmail.com

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Why Our Preschoolers Are Couch Potatoes

Http://i.huffpost.com/gen/455811/thumbs/scouchpotatokidslarge300.jpg

Our preschoolers are couch potatoes.

I’m serious. They really are – at least the ones in childcare or some sort of school program, which is three-quarters of the US kids ages 3-5. They spend 70-83% of their time being sedentary – and that’s not including meals or naps. In fact, they spend only about 2-3% of their time in active play.
To find out why our little kids are mostly sitting, researchers at Cincinnati Children’s put together focus groups of different childcare and preschool programs in the area and asked them why the kids weren’t more active. The study, released this week, is in the February issue of Pediatrics.

For some providers the issue was financial: they couldn’t afford much outdoor (or indoor) play space or equipment. But even when they could afford it, the researchers found that the equipment they had, chosen for safety reasons, wasn’t all that interesting to kids (face it, those little slides are boring). To make matters worse, the staff often discouraged kids from being active for fear of injury (sometimes at the request of the parents). And the centers felt pressure to get as much academics into the day as possible.
Why do we care, if they are safe and learning? Isn’t that what we want for them when they go to preschool?

Hmm … not necessarily.
Kids need active play. They need it for the exercise; a third of US kids are either overweight or obese. And what’s particularly worrisome about that statistic (besides the fact that it’s likely to rise given our TV and Super-Size culture) is that more and more studies are showing that fat kids grow into fat adults. If we don’t act now, we could literally be dooming our children to diabetes, heart disease, cancer, and everything else obesity brings.

Kids need play for more than that, though. They need it to learn what we call “executive function” – the organizing principles of behavior. Through play they learn to share, negotiate and solve problems. They learn to be creative and use their imagination. They learn to focus and finish tasks – and they learn empathy. Play isn’t just goofing around. It truly is the work of childhood.
It’s easy when your kids are small to get sucked into the paradigm of keeping them totally safe and trying to turn them into Einsteins. It’s our culture, after all – the culture of keeping kids in bubbles (God forbid they get stitches!), and of achievement. We don’t want them to just enjoy books, we want them to start reading them really early so that they will go to an Ivy League college. As for play, we think of it as a waste of time. If they are going to be active, we want them to join teams so they can get really good at a sport and get an athletic scholarship. Starting early on this stuff is key, we are told.

(It was really different when I was young, which is why I spent my childhood in trees).
Okay: reality check here, folks. About 1% of high school athletes get athletic scholarships to college. And less than 1% of kids who go to college graduate from an Ivy League school. Starting early doesn’t guarantee anything – in fact, often it hurts more than it helps. And despite what the Occupy people might say, I really don’t think that 99% of us are miserable.

Stop for a moment. What do you really want for your child when he or she grows up? I am hoping that the answer is that you want them to be healthy, happy, kind and self-sufficient adults.
To make this happen, we need to get over ourselves and let our kids be kids.

So when you are looking for a program for your preschooler, look for places where the kids really play – inside and out. Look for places with the fun stuff to play on and open spaces where kids can run. Look for dress-up clothes and blocks and finger paint. Sure, you want somewhere that encourages learning – but they should encourage singing and dancing and making pretend dinner just as much.
And don’t be afraid to let your kid climb trees. I had a wonderful time up there – and still made it to med school.
via huffingtonpost.com

Ron Huxley’s Comments: This post takes a balanced look at a common (if not all too common) problem of the lack of adequate play/exercise in children. It is easy to judge parents for this problem but many homes have to deal with unsafe environment or have no outside for children to play. The helpful insight of this article is that it illustrates the psychological value of play. The idea of “executive functioning” is lacking in many children and the author correctly pins this crucial development on child’s play.

How have you encouraged your children to play? Get more power parenting tools by joining our Parenting Membership Club at http://parentingtoolbox.com/pages/parenting-membership